Prompt #18 sugar

Title: Selfless, Cold and Composed

Rating: PG

Pairing: Renji/Byakuya

Word count: 1141

Warning/s: None I'm aware of.

Summary: "Worrying about the past will get you nowhere."
Byakuya let out a wry, humorless chuckle.
"Nowhere is exactly where I've been heading for the last fifty years, Renji."

"I want you to apply for one of the emptied captain seats. The exams start in two weeks."

He said that in the same even voice he used when giving commands on the battlefield, as if this was just another such command. Draw your sword. Kill that Hollow. Leave my side.

So calm, so emotionless. How did that song go? Selfless, cold and composed. Yes. This all perfectly applied to Kuchiki Byakuya, Renji thought.

Right now his taichou was seated across him at the table, looking at him with his usual expression – that is, with no expression at all – motionlessly waiting for his reply.

When Renji instead picked up a sugar bowl and emptied a good portion of its contents into his coffee cup, some kind of emotion finally found its way onto the other man's face. A small trace of distaste.

"It will bring merit to the whole of Seireitei. You achieved your bankai and proved yourself ready to proceed to the next step. You served under me well, Renji, and I will recommend your promotion."

Now go remained unspoken, but it heavily hung in the air.

These were the words Renji had always wanted to hear, yet suddenly they became everything he didn't wish for his taichou to say. Not after yesterday.

…

Early autumn sun was setting down, finding the captain of the sixth division still seated at his desk, immersed in paperwork. Or so it seemed.

Renji, who was leaning against the door frame, intently staring at the sitting figure, knew better. He was sure that Byakuya's thoughts were wandering far away from the neatly folded papers in front of him.

He knew that his captain had much greater regrets than he allowed himself to show to the outside world.

He knew that Byakuya's world was now in shreds, as though he suddenly woke up to find everything he had believed in cracked like an empty shell.

He knew that he was perhaps the only one to understand this.

He wanted to say something comforting, something that would help both of them, but the sight of Byakuya who for once didn't seem to emanate his usual calm, steady strength, but instead looked rather lost, like a wanderer who went astray in a shadowy forest, strangely affected his ability to speak. Words were just whirling around in his head, refusing to compose a comprehensible sentence.

"Is there anything you need, Abarai-fukutaichou?" Byakuya addressed him with excessive formality. That had only reinforced Renji's conviction that something was off.

He approached his captain, who didn't turn to face him. One last step and Renji stood just behind Byakuya, looming over him. Still no reaction came.

Renji awkwardly placed his hands on the other man's shoulders. He felt Byakuya tense and half-expected him to flinch and reprimand him for his audacity. But no such thing happened. Byakuya just closed his eyes and leaned into Renji's touch.

Big warm hands rested where they were for a while, wordlessly offering solace and support. Soon Renji's fingers delved into the silken mass of black hair and his thumbs started to trace small circles on Byakuya's neck.

Last sunrays bathed them in a warm golden glow and then faded away.

"You know, taichou, you don't have to be so perfect all the time. Everyone makes a little mistake now and then," Renji said in unusually quiet, almost soothing voice.

"It was no little mistake. My sister nearly died because of me," Byakuya replied dryly, his eyes still closed.

"But she didn't, right? Worrying about the past will get you nowhere."

Byakuya let out a wry, humorless chuckle.

"Nowhere is exactly where I've been heading for the last fifty years, Renji."

"Then maybe it's time you stopped," Renji snapped at him and immediately blinked afterwards, shocked by his own violent reaction. He loosened his unconscious grip on the other man's shoulders that must have been painful, even though Byakuya didn't show any signs of discomfort.

"Why should I?" Byakuya asked in a placid voice.

Renji took a deep breath.

"Because…because I…"

Renji's fingers helplessly roamed through the silken hair, all words having once again abandoned him. When he reached for the kenseikan, the captain froze.

"Don't."

For a moment he forgot about all the responsibilities and obligations the hair ornament symbolized, but a single movement brought everything back.

When Byakuya sent his vice-captain away and thus made the pressing hands disappear, he felt as a much heavier burden was now weighing him down instead.

…

He noticed that Byakuya's fingers were idly playing with the sugar bowl, swirling it around with an odd, entrancing grace. He watched that in fascination, until the noble cleared his throat, obviously waiting for the vice-captain's reply.

Renji looked him straight in the eye.

"Why are you doing this?"

"I believe I have explained the reasons behind my decision sufficiently," came the cold reply.

He had to put all his doubts aside, Renji decided, because he was not going to lose. Not this time.

"Like hell you did. I'm not letting you push me away like this."

Byakuya frowned.

"This is not about you and me. It's a serious matter concerning all the thirteen divisions."

"Come on, don't give me that crap. You really thought I would believe that? Listen to me, taichou." Renji's eyes now stared into Byakuya's with burning intensity.

"If I left, who would be here to annoy you? Who would care enough to try to put cracks in your damn ice armor? To try to catch you when you fall? You think that I want that, don't you? To see you on your knees. To be honest, I used to, but it's no longer true. Even when I hated you to the bone I couldn't help but respect you, too and this respect has been growing ever since."

"Don't make me repeat yourself, Abarai-fukutaichou. This is not a personal matter. It is an order and therefore there's no room for discussion. You are dismissed."

Cold, imperious voice instantly drove away all Renji's resolves, leaving only hollow feeling of defeat. His eyes dropped to the table. And then he froze.

He saw Byakuya clasping the sugar bowl with his knuckles white, as if it was a solid rock in a raging sea. His hands were shaking so violently that the glittering sugar spilled on the table, some of it dusting his fingers like a touch of snow on the iceberg.

Renji's eyes went wide at that sight, but then he reached for the trembling hands, taking them in his own without hesitation.

Byakuya tried to jerk away, but Renji didn't let go of him until the shaking stopped. The noble averted his gaze with an unfamiliar feeling of shame.

"What are you doing?" he hissed. Then his eyes grew wide, because Renji brought his hands to his lips and kissed the sugar away.

The snow has melted.

And Byakuya realized, startled, that the shame disappeared as swiftly as it came, together with the crushing weight of duty. The only remaining sensation was a surprising feeling of rightness, as is if this was the only way things were supposed to be.

Something in him broke. Maybe it was the tiniest piece of ice embedded in his heart.

"I've spend way too long chasing after you and now when I've finally got you, there's no way I'd leave you. Ever."

Byakuya blinked. His hands finally managed to break free from Renji's grip and the captain folded them in his lap, earning the other man's smirk.

"As I said before, the exams are coming in two weeks. The decision whether to attend or not is up to you."

This was his selfless, cold and composed captain once again, but still Renji felt the huge grin creeping onto his face. The choice is yours.

Even icebergs could be melted. It just needed some time.

…

I am a hopeless romantic, it seems. And also a sadist who likes to see Byakuya breaking ;). Hope you liked it, because I kind of do. Not happy with Renji's soliloquy, though.