A Butterfly Flaps It's Wings Chapter 8 If You Can't Be With The One You Love (now with page breaks!)
Alan, Chloe and Minkus stood in Topanga's room trying to figure out where to start. Topanga had packed a grand total of three boxes. One with dishes and unfolded clothes, another with movies and jewelry, and the last with sweaters and a couple of pretty little boxes. The rest of her stuff had yet to be packed.
"Well... there are boxes in the basement," Chloe said in a half irritated, half amused tone, "We'd better get packing."
It really would've made more sense, Minkus thought petulantly as he carted an armload of liquor boxes up from the basement, for Topanga to have stayed and helped pack her stuff, and for Cory and Shawn to have gone to his house and helped load his stuff into Chloe and Jedidiah's van. Or for Cory and Shawn to have come here and help pack Topanga's stuff. Basically any arrangement that didn't leave Cory and Topanga alone would be preferable to one that did.
Although, he admitted to himself as he began pulling shirts and dresses out of Topanga's closet and folding them into boxes, trying to ignore how everything she owned seemed to smell like her, like honeysuckle and incense, he was partially relieved that he himself wasn't with Topanga. He had promised Cory that he would wait until he and Topanga left for Yale to say anything to her, and it was beginning to occur to him how hard it was actually going to be for him to keep that promise. Cory was one of his best friends, but Minkus had been waiting 6 years for Topanga, nursing a quiet crush and waiting for his moment. And Minkus had promised Cory last night he would let Cory have an opportunity to pull that right out from under him. What had he been thinking?
That you know how he feels, Minkus thought, That you can't keep one of your best friends from getting an opportunity to be happy. And, Minkus thought guiltily, you don't think Cory will has the guts to say anything to her.
"Stewart, when you fill that box, you wanna go pack all the toiletries? Shampoo, body wash all of that?" Chloe said.
"Yeah. No problem" Minkus said as he pressed a couple more pairs of jeans into the basically full box. He put the lid on the box of clothes, grabbed an empty beer box from behind where Alan was boxing up books, and headed into Topanga's bathroom.
He packed her shampoo, conditioner and shower gel, and then began scooping all the little bottles and jars around the sink into the box. He looked up into his reflection in the mirror. He looked like hell. "It's going to be all right." He told himself and started packing up the odd rings and earrings from the drawers with a distinct air of determination.
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Mrs. Minkus brought Mr. Minkus a cup of tea in his chair in the living room and sat down across from him, setting her own cup and saucer down irritably on the recently polished coffee table. Neither mentioned the macaroni-and-cheese-orange Volkswagen van outside even though they were both glaring out at it through the picture window. Neither did they acknowledge the thump thump thump coming from the stairs.
"Wow. You'd think there would be enough heavy books at Yale already without bringing his own supply," the breathy voice of Amy Matthew's floated down the stairs and to the living room.
"Well at least he's got everything boxed up already," Jedidiah sighed, "You wouldn't know Tippy was moving to look at her room."
"'Scuse me, Amy, Jedidiah," Shawn said, squeezing around the parents to hop down the stairs ahead of them with another box. Mrs. Minkus gave him a withering look over her tea cup as he grinned at her and walked out the door to the van where Topanga was arranging the boxes so that the van would hold hers and Minkus's stuff for the first leg of their drive to Connecticut that night.
"Hey," He said climbing into the van and setting his box down next to a big rubber-maid tub Minkus had filled with warm clothes and odds and ends, "We've only got a few boxes left. Have you gotten a hold of Cory yet?"
"No. I've called his house and his cell phone twice."
"His cell phone? I told you he forgot his cell phone at my apartment. It's next to my toaster," Shawn said.
"I know. I was thinking he might have stopped by to pick it up or something, but Eric keeps answering it and saying "Why are you calling here? Don't you know how loud this ring is?" and hanging up. I think that 5th margarita last night hit him pretty hard," Topanga sighed.
"Look, you know he'll come by. He can't let either of you leave without saying goodbye."
"I know. I know," Topanga yawned and sunk down onto the green shag carpeted floor, "I'm just worried that he's... you know...freaking out over what happened yesterday. You know Cory doesn't handle shifts in the status quo that well."
Shawn echoed her yawn and sat down next to her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Topanga, I'm sorry that's how you found out, but I really do think that it was best for it to be out in the open."
Topanga didn't answer.
"Isn't it?"
"Shawn..." Topanga paused, searching for words, "Cory... isn't you."
Shawn's heart stopped dead.
"What do you mean?"
"Shawn, if you were in love with someone, you would tell them. Even in less than ideal circumstances" she gestured around at the van to convey the current situation, "You would have say something, or always wonder what could have been."
Shawn suppressed a dry smile as he remembered a handful of lilies stolen by moonlight and a kiss on the cheek from years ago, but didn't disillusion her.
"Cory..." she went on, "might have been better off without the boat being rocked. This may not be the right time for him." Shawn took his arm off of her shoulders.
"You don't love him." Shawn said sadly.
"I didn't say that," Topanga responded instantly she exhaled sharply and said in a strained sort of voice, "I'm leaving today Shawn. Today."
"Didn't some famous dead guy say it's better to have loved and lost?" Shawn asked.
"Tennyson" Topanga answered him.
"Alfred Lord" Jedidiah said as he and Amy brought out the last three boxes, "Great poet."
"You kids ready to head back to the house?" Jedidiah asked setting a box in the van and pushing his hair off his sweaty forehead.
"Yeah. Let's go." Topanga said.
"No sign of Cory?" Amy asked.
"Not yet." Shawn answered.
"Well. I'm sure he'll show up," Amy said handing Shawn a box and patting his shoulder.
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After crawling out of Topanga's window that morning Cory had dropped down to the porch roof said "She isn't here" to Shawn and without the slightest hesitation walked across the porch roof, dropped to the garage roof, grabbed a tree branch and crawled down only a few branches before dropping to the ground, leaving Shawn to scurry behind him, instead of the other way around, for the first time in their entire friendship. They'd coaxed Francesca into taking them back to Shawn's apartment, collapsed into the living room furniture and gotten a few sentences into a discussion about Cory's next move before Shawn had fallen asleep in the arm chair.
Cory, however had been too restless to sleep. He'd laid on the couch, mind buzzing and heart burning, trying to sleep. But when Shawn started snoring, Cory had given up and left the apartment. He'd found a deli, had a donut and caught a bus. This had turned out to be the wrong bus. It was past noon before Cory got back to his neighborhood and nearly 1:00 when he finally walked up his driveway and was hailed instantly from across the fence.
"Mr. Matthews!" Mr. Feeny called. He was standing in his garden, hopefully watering what looked like a rather hopeless begonia, "Mr. Matthews, your mother just called to ask if I'd seen you. They've finished collecting Mr. Minkus's things and are looking for you at Miss Lawrence's to finish packing."
"Thanks. Mr. Feeny."
"Is everything all right?" Feeny asked, setting his watering can down under the browning leaves of the begonia.
"Yeah," Cory lied as he stifled a yawn.
Feeny gave him a very knowing look and asked "Cory, what do you think of this begonia?"
Cory looked at the drooping stems and brown leaves, "Um. It's just lovely."
Feeny sighed "Come on, work with me a little. I'm trying to do my wise mentor shtick."
"Fine. It looks like it's dying Feeny."
"Thank you," Feeny said and cleared his throat, "Now, until very recently, Cory, I kept this plant in the house and watered it every day with the rest of the house plants. But my sister sent me a few paper whites and a hosta and I didn't have room for it in the living room anymore. I thought that the begonia was big enough to make it out in the yard so I moved it out here. But, out of sight out of mind, I didn't water it as often as I used to, and I didn't notice that it was beginning to die until it was too late. Now, I can keep watering it, but-"
"Look, Mr. Feeny," Cory interrupted him, "I appreciate you trying to help and all, but that's not my problem. I'm not worried about… watering my friendship with Minkus and Topanga. It's gotten a little more complex than that."
"Oh. Okay," Feeny cleared his throat again,"This was a lot easier with Eric."
"Well, Eric isn't really a complex sort of guy," Cory said casting his eye around the garden, "Mr. Feeny my problem is that I've always had this… begonia... in ...the living room... with a hosta and a petunia"
Feeny rolled his eyes, "I'm listening."
"Okay. It has come to my attention just how much I love this... begonia, but it's moving out to the garden with the hosta, and the hosta.. . . loves the begonia too. Meanwhile the petunia is pushing me to . . . water. . . the begonia. . ." Cory slowed down as he thought of the disjoint between what that was supposed to mean and how it sounded, but plowed on in spite of Feeny's odd look, "And the petunia accidentally told the begonia that I want to. . . water the begonia. But I don't know if I can. Because the begonia and the hosta will be out in... the garden tomorrow and it…. rains. . . outside in the garden and the hosta could water the begonia just fine if they are out in ... the garden together."
Feeny sighed "Oh. I see. Well. That is complicated."
"It's why I don't keep houseplants," Cory agreed.
Feeny picked up a clippers from the ground by the fence and walked toward his house "Cory. If you've fallen in love with Topanga-"
"Begonia!" Cory corrected him.
"Mr. Matthews, leave the garden metaphors to me. Miss Lawrence leaves today, with Mr. Minkus, and if Mr. Hunter has already let it slip that you have feelings for Miss Lawrence there doesn't seem to be any reason not to tell her yourself. If she doesn't return them, then she leaves for Yale and you've committed no crime against Mr. Minkus, and broken hearts heal. If she does return your feelings... well, no matter the circumstances, if she does return them you are setting sail for complicated, wonderful and terrifying seas"
"So you think I should tell her?" Cory asked. There was a snap and Feeny turned around with a rose. He held it out to Cory.
"Yes. You should tell her. Watch for thorns."
"Ahah. Back to the metaphors I see." Cory took the rose, "Ouch!"
"That wasn't a metaphor. Even Eric would have understood that."
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Cory sat parked in front of the Lawrence's house, looking at the almost full van in the driveway and trying to work up the courage to walk into Topanga's house and tell her how he felt about her. He'd spent the entire drive to Topanga's trying out different wordings, but nothing sounded right. Everything was too melodramatic, not romantic enough, or just sounded too stupid or rehearsed. How did you tell a friend you'd fallen in love with them? How did you deal with it if they rejected you? How did you try to start something with someone you knew you were about to lose. He looked at the rose draped delicately over the passenger's seat.
"Topanga... I'm in love with you," he said quietly. He tried it with a different inflection "Topanga I...am in love with you." He sighed and looked back toward the house. Minkus, Topanga and Shawn were all walking out of the front door, each with a box in their arms. Somehow Topanga seemed to have gotten more beautiful since yesterday. Shawn spotted Cory's car and pointed him out to the other two. All three instantly put down their boxes and ran to his car.
Cory hurriedly swept the rose off the seat to the floor where his friends wouldn't be able to see it and climbed out the car where he was instantly engulfed by Shawn, Minkus and Topanga.
"Where the hell have you been all day?!" Shawn demanded punching him in the arm.
"We've been trying to get a hold of you since 10 this morning!" Minkus chimed in. His and Cory's eyes met, and as looks between good friends often can, Minkus's stare conveyed a conversation's worth of information. He had kept his promise to Cory, he was genuinely glad that Cory had come to see them off, and while he was dreading what might happen, he had every intention of giving Cory his opportunity with Topanga. Cory slapped on a smile.
"Sorry, I... had an interesting morning," Cory shrugged, "Do you guys still need help getting everything packed up?"
"Yeah, there a couple boxes still up in my room," Topanga said immediately. Shawn gave Cory a look and opened his mouth to speak, but Minkus interrupted him.
"Why don't you and Topanga go up and get those. Shawn and I will get these," he waved at the boxes they'd dropped in the driveway. Cory nodded his thanks and Minkus gave him a small, forced smile. Cory and Topanga disappeared into the house.
"You're a good guy, Minkus," Shawn told him as they picked up the boxes.
"Yeah. I hate that." Minkus growled.
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Cory and Topanga had walked into the house, up the stairs and into the hallway in silence, the accidental revelation at the picnic hanging heavy in the air while Cory kept silently repeating "Topanga I'm in love with you, Topanga I'm in love with you, Topanga I'm in love with you" in his mind, his heart beating like crazy and feeling like he was going to think the words hard enough to make them pop out of his mouth like the cork blowing off a bottle of champagne.
"Wow," Cory actually said, "Your room looks so empty."
"Yeah," Topanga said, "It's so weird."
There was an awkward pause. Cory sat down on her bare mattress before his legs started shaking.
"So where were you all morning?" Topanga asked him as she pulled a few more little things out of drawers and threw them in a box. She needed something to do with her hands. The tension in the air was palpable.
Cory gave a rough, mirthless chuckle, "I... uh. Tried to take the bus home from Shawn's. Got on the 51 instead of the 15. Took me forever to get to a bus that could get me anywhere near a bus that was actually heading the direction I was trying to go." He gave the same odd laugh that was more punctuation than anything else and looked down at his clenched hands. Topanga looked at them too. She could feel the nervousness and desperation emanating from Cory.
Oh, throw him a bone! Topanga thought to herself. She threw another knick knack in the open box, put the lid back on and sat down next to Cory.
"Well, I'm glad you made it," She hugged him, "I was really starting to worry that you wouldn't come to say goodbye to us." She could feel Cory's heart pounding against her own chest, feel his hand shaking uncontrollably against her back, hear his raggedy breathing. Cory and Topanga each felt the moment when the hug had gone on a little too long. Cory felt the pounding in his heart peak...stop... and begin to slow. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, taking in as much of the smell of Topanga's hair, her clothes, her skin as he could and felt his chance to confess to her pass him by. They let go of each other.
"Oh, your cell phone is at Shawn's apartment by the way," Topanga told him standing up and grabbing the box she'd just filled.
Cory tried to think of a way to get another moment, something he could say something he could do. Kiss her! he thought wildly.
"Eric is probably going to be royally pissed at you. You've got a loud ring, and he's got a terrible hangover," Topanga gave a little laugh and Cory felt the tension of potential becoming the regret of the inevitable as his hands shook less, his heart slowed and his breathing evened out. Topanga watched him deflate with resigned commiseration. It was too late. The completely bare room, the full boxes, her parents double checking the directions in the living room. It was just too late.
"Well, you know Eric," Cory said grabbing his own box, "He may not even realize it's my phone, what with people calling it and asking for me and all."
Topanga gave a false laugh and left the room. Cory followed her his fake smile melting right off his face the instant Topanga was no longer looking at him.
Chloe was waiting at the bottom of the stairs "Cory! You made it!" she gave him sideways hug "and just in time too. Topanga, your father would really like to get on the road. Are you almost packed?"
"Yeah, these are the last boxes," Topanga answered.
"Great. Why don't you go throw them in the van, and we can head off for Connecticut where I'm going to leave my little girl to start college and not come back for months," Chloe said in a would-be-light tone betrayed by a small sniff.
Minkus and Shawn were sitting in the back of the van when Cory and Topanga came out. Cory saw both of them search his face for information.
"Well," Topanga sighed, "This is it."
"Yeah." Minkus agreed.
"Good luck, don't forget to write," Shawn bear-hugged Minkus, then Topanga "call us when you get there, make sure you tell us when your fall break is."
Cory couldn't speak through the lump in his throat. Minkus hugged him goodbye "I'll see you around buddy."
Cory saw the tears starting in Topanga's eyes as she turned from Shawn to him, and felt his heart start up again.
"Goodbye Cory," she said shakily.
"Goodbye, Topanga," He whispered hoarsely, "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you too." She squeezed him around the shoulders before letting him go and turning away.
Shawn clapped a hand on Cory's shoulder as Topanga, Minkus, Chloe and Jedidiah climbed into the van. The door shut with a crash, the engine started up with a roar and Cory and Shawn stood in the driveway waving goodbye.
Shawn knew from the look on Cory's face not to ask what had happened just yet. He followed his best friend to his car in silence, opened the door and climbed in. He felt something squish under his shoe as Cory pulled out into the street. He picked up the crushed rose.
"Cor?"
Cory looked over and saw the flower in Shawn's hand. His Adam's apple bobbed in his throat as he tried to think of something to say.
"You okay?" Shawn asked.
"No," Cory answered taking the rose from Shawn and throwing it out of the car window, "No I'm not."
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They'd pulled over at a gas station in northern Pennsylvania to use the bathroom and buy snacks.
"What room are you in again?" Minkus asked Topanga as she decided between a Snickers and a Milky Way. She needed chocolate.
"318" She said, "And you're in 305 right?"
"307," Minkus corrected her as she grabbed a Snickers, "So we're on the same floor. And you have Colburn for freshman seminar right?"
"Yeah."
"I'm so excited," Minkus bubbled, "Here, let me get that." He took the Snickers from her and set it on the counter with her stuff.
"Thanks Stewart," she replied. He paid for their candy bars and handed her Snickers back to her.
"This is going to be a great year Topanga," he told her in an odd voice, "I know it." And he did something he'd never done before as he said it. He quickly reached out, grabbed her hand, gave it a hurried squeeze and let go. Topanga looked at him with some surprise and as her eyes met his, she felt the world spin and sensed someone else looking through her eyes and seeing...
Snow outside a dorm window, she and Stewart holding hands in front of it...
cold wet rain with buds beginning to swell on the trees as she walked past Stewart without looking at him and him looking dismayed at the hateful look on her face...
An odd sad look on Cory's face, as he looked past a girl he was sitting with in the regular both at Chubbies and saw Topanga walk down the stairs.
The spinning sped up. Moments became shorter flashes. Topanga and a man she didn't' know kissing by a Christmas tree...a different man in a tux, her in a wedding dress...she and the same man on separate sides of a court... leaving her two kids with a babysitter... images of a future flashed faster and faster then the spinning changed directions, the flashes slowed down and one imaged burned against Topanga's eyelids before she opened her eyes to find herself lying on the bathroom floor in Aunt Prudence's house. An image of Cory seen through a car window-eyes red, lips pursed, misery and loss etched in every line of an expression Topanga had never seen on his face.
She spluttered, sat up and looked around her. One of her legs was covered in shaving cream. A pot of eye shadow was on it's side by her foot. Her straightened bubbled maliciously from the sink.
"Topanga?" Her mother called, "Topanga are you all right in there?"
"Yes!" Topanga answered, "I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I'll be out soon."
"Okay honey."
She pulled herself up. She had a commencement to go to. And, she thought of the image from... somewhere else, the image of Cory in another driveway, and the completely wretched feeling of seeing him fall farther into the distance, now she knew what she was ready to commence.
Authoress Note: I had no idea how to finish this story last summer and after a very very strange year I found myself coming back to it.