Chapter 7

The alarm woke Meg and at first she wondered where she was then remembered the night before and thought she could still hear the beat of the music in her head.

The dinner and dance that had closed the conference had been a fantastic affair with a band that was out of this world and everyone dressed up to the lines – dark suits and long dresses. Robert her escorted and dinned with her then stayed around till her friends gathered and was waylaid by a businessman who was passing through that night. Meg who'd never been to anything on this scale enjoyed herself with her new friends but there were just one or two occasions when she'd found herself alone at the bar and had missed the really close friend she'd had back home. That had led to the extra drink or two before she was off dancing or talking to friends. Not enough for her to lose control or anything like that … no just enough for her to wake up with the beat of the music in her head … in other words a hangover. … Oh joy!

Slowly she made her way to the bathroom cabinet and found the pills and took them.

The phone rang so she plodded over and answered it, it was one of the PA's cheerfully reminding her that the car would be ready for her in a couple of hours and everything needed to be packed etc and hadn't it been a brilliant evening. She agreed had a chuckle at a shared memory and then promised she would be down at the car on time.

She sighed as she put the phone down then rang for a cold breakfast, she could not face a hot one at least a cold one would wait for her to want it. Looking round and at the closed wardrobe and dressing-table draws wondered where to start packing first, and decided that could wait till she had showered, changed and perhaps even had breakfast - words like 'burying head in the sand' came to mind as she thought about it.

She shook her head and wished she had not, then went to the wardrobe knowing she'd have to get dressed first – she found something smart but casual knowing she had a meeting with Robert later. In the shower she let the warm water run over her body and gradually relaxing finding the headache easing and in the background heard the noise which told her breakfast had arrived and realised she felt hungry.

After her breakfast she knew she had to face it, there was no putting it off and it would not go away and pack itself … pity that.

So she faced it, packed the easy things first, then laid all her clothes and other things on the bed and sighed. She had come with one case and a bag now she had this lot … she smiled to herself at her extravagances … she could not blame anyone else either.

She packed in order of importance thinking that perhaps she could leave a few things behind, that done she knew she was in real trouble … her case was full and there was still a pile of things she could not part with the pile she could was one book. The rest was not small enough for her to push into a plastic bag or tuck under her arm either they needed a case.

She looked at her watch thinking about going out and getting a case … hell time had flown. In frustration she turned away from her problem and knocked her laptop off the table scattering a pile of papers onto the floor. She huffed and started to pick them up automatically sorting them out and unconsciously hoping 'that' problem behind her would go away just like her headache.

As she sorted them out she realised these were the things Casey had given her when she started out and flicked most of them in the bin as they were junk mail. But the last one caught her attention it was a bulky posh white envelope and stamped from Seattle dated October 1999. A gentle shiver ran through her body as she handled it wondering if it was a posh form of junk mail as most other landed in the bin without a second thought. Turning it over she saw the name of a hotel and it twitched at the back of her memory and curiosity got the better of her. Moving some of the clothes and things further up the bed out the way she sat down to open the envelope.

Taking the letter out another envelope fell on the floor face up; she shivered recognizing Ben's writing and realised why the name of the hotel had twitched in her memory, he'd stayed there and steeled herself to read the other letter first.

It was from the hotel manager explaining that on 28 September 1999 there had been a fire in the two adjoining guestrooms causing extensive damaged, luckily no one had been hurt. It was not till several days later that they moved the bedside table and found the enclosed sealed addressed envelope undamaged behind it. As it was addressed he was sending it on immediately hoping that no inconvenience or embarrassment had been caused.

She put it to one side and then bent down and picked the sealed envelope up surprised to find her fingers trembling as she did so. Her mind was buzzing with the questions … why had he written two letters? … the first one was bad enough... could this one be worse?

She hesitated before opening it wondering whether to just put it back and send it all onto Ben unread.

Pondering she ran her fingers round the edge of the envelope. Then flicked it with one hand against the other … Should she … Shouldn't she…. did she want to? … Could she live without knowing?

Curiosity got the better of her with the reasoning - He had written it to her … it was addressed to her …So she should read it. It was most probably his first attempt of the letter she had got, sealed thought about it and then chucked it in the bin but missed. Didn't realised he'd missed it as he concentrated on the other one … the one he'd sent.

Couldn't her hurt now could it … they both knew where they stood … He was with Maria and she was enjoying herself and new found freedom.

She opened it and unfolded the pages shivering violently as she read the opening lines and then as she read on she heard his gentle voice reading it.

1 September 1999

Dear Meg (Soulmate, keeper of my heart and life)

I've just put the phone down after calling Sara and getting you. It was good to hear your voice again but I feel the barrier - of things not said or understood getting higher, thicker and I don't want that.

On the plane here I felt my heartbreaking the further I moved away and when I landed an uneasy feeling I could not and still don't understand, perhaps it's just my heart telling me to come home soon as possible.

You know what it's like sometimes so do me a favour take the phone off the hook and find and somewhere quiet so no one can find you.

I need your full attention so you can decide our future.

There are so many things I want to say to make you understand how much you mean to me. Perhaps just the opening will make you see that if I should lose you completely I will die. But as long as you are truly happy I will survive. Whatever you decide it must be because you truly want it. The choice is freedom away from me or be with me it sounds so simple but I know it's not and it must be your choice not what you think I or others think is good for you.

You once asked me if I could love you with my whole heart the answer then as now is no. I never had the chance to explain so I will now. I hold everyone I have ever cared for in my heart so you are there and always will be at its centre. You are also somewhere else in my soul, my very being, which is why I call you my Soulmate.

I wanted to make you understand perhaps you do and are frightened by it or know it is too intense for you, I can understand that. I know you have strong feelings for Casey. I saw you both in our favourite thinking place, perhaps... (the next few words were crossed out and could not be read, then the letter continued.)

When I spoke to you last night, you said you are not with Casey so perhaps there is some hope. Although I know you wished you never heard my name and agree with your father that it would have been better if you had never known me. I have never regretted knowing or loving you and will never do so whatever happens.

I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you and if you believe the only way for you to find happiness is with someone else then I will try and live without you beside me. Deep within me I know we will be together in the end.

There is one thing I ask if your answer is no … don't make me leave Sunset Beach. I think of it as my home now and everyone in it as friends and family. Yes even Ricardo and your father. I will never come between you and your family. I had to walk away from everything I held dear never to return not even to say goodbye at the end. Although I know Derek is dead I shall never go home, those memories are best left alone. I would not put you or your family through such pain so I will make sure our paths don't cross too much if we should part.

I don't know how to put this on paper but I will try.

There is no excuse for my actions - I hurt you so much that morning when you walked in on Maria and myself at The Deep. I should never have allowed myself to do that to you or Maria, later when I explained she said she understood but I still class it as rape. I was hurting so much... I felt as though all the doors were closing and I was sinking into a place much darker than I've been before and no-one would be able open them because you had gone from me... I cannot continue I need to see you to explain what happened then perhaps you might possibly forgive me, perhaps not. But at least you and I will know we both understand why.

I have never blamed you for Benjy's kidnapping, everyone's attention was on Tess's rescue, if I had been there I would have been watching Tess also and Benjy would still have been taken. I was shocked by it and so many things were happening I could not give you the attention I needed too. The kiss I gave you and the touch connection that we shared was enough to give me the strength I needed to face the kidnapper and I hoped give you the strength and understanding to wait. I was wrong because from then on I could not convince you of my trust and felt you slipping away from me.

Every time I tried to reach out to you something always pulled you away. Sometimes I know it was my fault but I could not walk away from my responsibilities to Maria and Benjy. I wanted you to be with me while I helped them and for always after - when it would be us together with our dreams. I know Benjy will come round to love you in time.

Others may think I am strong but I know it is you who gives me that strength and always will.

I know Maria is nearly strong enough to cope with the end of our marriage and love. She has started to accept my love for you, she even told me to find you, when she knew she could not help me. She told me she wanted to stand by me as my friend while I tried to cope with loosing you.

I need to leave her with friendship and understanding and that is what I have been working towards, she deserves that.

Maria and I have both been feeling that Tess is not helping the situation and although it will hurt Benjy more I will ask her to leave now not Christmas as planned regardless of what I find here in Seattle. I will if necessary find her a flat in town so she and Benjy can see each other occasionally no doubt school will help with the break.

I know the hardest part will be not having Benjy around all the time. I have come to love him so deeply but I realize that in some ways my need for him to be there all the time is because of the time I missed with him in the early years. I can never get that back how ever much I try and it will probably harm him if I hold on to him. I know how much Maria loves him so I must learn to let him stay with her for always even when she finds someone new.

I will move out as soon as possible, the house has always been Maria's and to move Benjy again would be unfair he has had enough moves in his young life. I know this will unsettle him, but he will see my happiness with you if you will have me and come to terms with it all, then he will love you I am sure of that. If you do decide you need space I will set up on my own most probably at the hotel or Lib. Corp Suite.

Perhaps I should have done this trip sooner, but I knew that Ricardo and Charles checked the documents and found them correct. It was the fact I knew I could leave Maria, her fears about Tess's behaviour along with Sara's ideas about Tess as well as my own that made me want to check things out on the ground. Any information I get I will pass on to the doctors and Maria's family then perhaps we can sort it all out together.

So I will leave you but not in my dreams. Sorry... I do really mean I want your answer not what you think anyone else thinks... your feelings alone. So take your time.

Just a quiet 'yes please I love you' or 'no thank you' or even 'I need space and time will do.'

I promise I will stand by your answer with no fuss.

As I said when we were in the Mission you are the one who helped me express my love not hide it away and I thank you for that what ever you decide. But it is you who needs to feel it is right not me.

Watch the sunsets for me, and keep safe, most of all be happy.

Yours completely

Ben.

She felt stunned by the letter and the feelings it had woken in her.

Wiping away the tears she felt running down her cheeks her mind slowly started to go through the letter again … picking out bits … realizing it was so like him to think about everyone else … and he'd wanted her to decide whether they had a future.

She was drawn back the piece he had scrawled out and tried to read it again guessing what was missing. The words she could read seemed to stand out from the page and gradually meanings came together as he mind flashed back to South Pier, … remembering it was his thinking place as well as hers and saw herself there with Casey in the rain and heard herself saying the words and kissing Casey and exclaimed out loud as it hit her. "Oh God he was there! … Oh no …why did not he show himself "

Softly slowly she answered her own question. "Why should he … I had just shattered his heart."

The words regarding The Deep and Maria stood out in her mind and she realised how desperate he felt as she flashed back seeing Tim on the sofa with her chief bridesmaid just before her wedding ... she had fled ... towards her dream SB.

He had fled … to The Deep … and she imagined him … wet and cold from the storm … but not caring … going over what he had heard and seen … sinking down into his dark place … … drinking to soften the pain … knowing she would not be around to help him as she had when he'd thought Annie had died.

Her mind ran on Maria had been there though sometime, had she not understood his pain and he'd somehow answered his pain by answering her need and that was why he'd said it was rape not love.

He must have worked things out Maria … was that why the marriage was working … she'd given Ben a second chance. …While she Meg hadn't even given him a chance to explain that morning. ….

But what of the Casita and Maria that was love surely … she stopped that line of thought and remembered later that morning at Surf Central when Sara had come back and found herself and Casey sitting on the sofa laughing and got the wrong idea. Amazed she had not thought of it before she wondered out loud. "How did you get your things back home that night Sara?" and realized no one knew and now she needed to know but how could she without hurting her sister or Casey.

Thoughts tumbling through her mind she lay the letter on the bed beside her and looking at it asked the questions she knew she could not ask the writer. "Why did you write two letters? What changed your mind and why was the other one so cold sweetheart?"

No answers came but the needed to find the differences was there. She rummaged in her case and found the letter she had received from Ben. She could never understand why she'd packed it or the blanket she from the Casita come to that … they'd been there when she'd unpacked so she knew she must have.

She laid the two letters out side by side and compared them.

The writing was the same, she knew he had written them both and yet they were so different… one he wanted her … the other he'd rejected her … nicely but rejected her just the same.

Had he written them hours a part … realising in that time it was over between them … or had writing the letter done that for him and that was why the other one was sealed and in the bin.

The truth … that was hard … she had pushed him away at times … she could not blame it all on Tim's betrayal … no she'd found it difficult to trust her love for Ben. He'd called her his soulmate and that he loved her deeply … that was a difficult thing to live… love up too. She was young and finding her feet in life so had turned back to the love she'd trusted that of her parents and home and then crept out again to his love when she felt safe...

Her mind jumped and the words underlined about the kidnapping and she remembered his blank look as she'd tried to explain everything while feeling guilty and shocked. She believed he blamed her for the whole thing. … Was that when she had started to pushing him into Maria's arms? Her mind flashed to The Deep on that dreadfully morning when Ben was with Maria and the fact she did not give him a chance to explain his actions as he chased after her … she'd been too hurt seeing them together … surely he must have understood that!

She remembered coming across him that evening under South Pier, it was obvious to her he had been miles away thinking; again she did not give him a chance to explain his words. What were they … 'that he had could not go on' … surely that would have meant with their relationship nothing else. She had not listened to him she'd just told him they had done all the talking and walked away … only to have questions buzzing round her head after he had left for Seattle. … … Perhaps she should have talked to someone … even found out why he had come in person and not used the phone to say he was going.

But he had written that letter and their relationship had ended her feelings had to be put away again for both their sakes….

A knock on the door brought her back to the present. She wiped her face and ran her fingers through her long black hair and opened the door to find Robert looking worried.

"Meg you were not at the car... What's wrong?" He gently opened the door further and came in slowly so as not to frighten her but also to tell her – there was no way she was going to push him away on this.

She stepped aside and let him in.

He saw the pile of clothes and letters on the bed and without a word he went into the lounge area of the suite, got two miniature bottles of drink out of the fridge and poured them into a couple of glasses.

Then he guided her to a chair and giving her one of the drinks said gently. "Drink it and compose yourself. If you don't want to explain that's fine by me. You need some extra case space by the looks of things though."

Meg sipped the brandy, letting it slide slowly down her throat waiting for the kick it would give her and nodded yes.

Robert smiled and walked to the phone dialled and ordered two cases to be brought round immediately.

Meg had another sip and started to close 'those' feelings away, she didn't feel up to explaining everything. But with Robert she wouldn't have to, she'd chatted about her life not long after they'd first met. He had told her about his family and after that no one had asked awkward questions, if she'd said no to something it had been taken as that. That was what she'd liked about working for him and the group there'd been no nagging or watchfulness like her father had and so she'd felt free till now. Now there were hundreds of questions that could never be answered without stirring things up.

But on the other hand she wanted to explain a bit and said. "I found a letter from Ben which has sent my head spinning."

With a touch of genuine concern Robert said. "Oh dear. … Do you want to postpone our interview?"

Meg immediately picked up on his words and asked curiously. "What interview, you were going to seal a deal this morning."

Robert smiled glad he might be able to draw her away from her pain and explained. "Did not mention it in case you felt like a parcel being wrapped up and passed on the next person, it will depend on what Matthew thinks of you and it has nothing to do with the deal I have with him."

He saw that her interest was waking up and carried on. "He is looking for a temporary PA but is also opening a new office in a town this side of the Rocky Mountains, so you will be separated from Sunset Beach but closer. It's about the same size as Sunset Beach, no sea of course, but you have mountains and you can take trips into Canada fairly easily when you want to and of course it does get snow in winter. I thought you might like the smaller town rather than the rat race of the city. But if you want to go back and sort this letter out that will be fine."

Meg smiled and shook her head; as she'd listened her mind had settled she knew what she wanted to do. "No I don't want to dredge things up from the past, Ben is happy with the way things are and there's the children to consider. I'm fine with it as well … … just need the dust to settle once I've found something out from Sara, and I can do that by email. Face to face would bring tempers to the surface and I don't want that. I must admit I like the distance between us at the moment and the job and place sounds good where will I stay?"

Glad her voice was steady and she was thinking clearly Robert reassured her. "We will sort that out with Matthew. Just remember you have along time ahead of you to enjoy. I know you had something special with Ben, sometimes that is all there is and you move on and sometimes today is not the right time, perhaps it will come in the future as it did with me and Susan. I don't regret the years we had apart and I have two lovely children who may not my own but I love just as much. You must go your own way think for yourself and feel that it's right for..."

There was a knock at the door and Robert answered it returning with the cases and suggested. "I can pack your clothes if you want to deal with anything else."

"Thanks I'll leave my questions till later I need to think this through." She smiled then looked at the heap on the bed and sighed. "Right then!"

Robert couldn't help smiling it looked as she was ready to do battle with a fierce giant and decided they needed a plan and said. "You sort them out and I'll fold and put them in."

Meg nodded.

oxoxo

They worked well as a team and when they were nearly finished Robert said quietly. "Been thinking ..."

Meg laughed.

He looked at her with a slightly hurt expression and said softly. "Hey not that bad you know."

She gave a dramatic sigh exclaiming "Okay fire away."

He said seriously. "AJ has invited my family to his wedding and I know you were thinking of going, if you still want to keep distance between you and your father you can fly to Seattle the day before. We will put you up and fly you in and if you don't want to stay over you can hitch a lift back if you do you can walk." He teased.

"Oh, so kind a seat on the wing I suppose." She huffed eyeing him as she handed him the last dress to go in the last case. He chuckled and closed the case as she continued. "I like it, thank you."

"Good! … Now check under the bed and then we will go."

"I thought the idea was to lose a Dad." She sighed as she dutifully looked under the bed, then reached under and got something out and huffed. "Okay … Okay …" as she shoved the offending article into the case, which Robert had opened keeping his face expressionless.

She could not stop a grin as she picked up her bag.

Robert silently shook his head and headed for the door.

Meg stood wondering how she was going to manage three cases and her laptop along the corridor to the lift.

Robert opened the door and let the bellboy in and said with a grin. "They get paid for it Meg what's more they have a trolley."