Chapter 32

Watching John start his exercise routine Meg's let her mind wander back over the last few days. He'd shown his stubborn side by adding an extra bar session either in the morning or like now in the evening. She with the others, without being too obvious, had dropped into everyday conversations things about their childhoods, he'd not responded with his own only proved he liked to hear them and was a good listener. He chattered and joked as normal here, at the club and with Paul and Val on the phone but there was a quietness about him which she could not put her finger on.

She knew they had all noticed it and watched him unobtrusively and they'd reassured her it was likely he was using all his energy in trying to walk and would return to himself once it was done. Now though she silently wondered which old self that was going to be, the Ben old self, the John old self or was there a new one creeping out and they didn't know it yet and would have to get to know it. He had always been a complex person that was his charm, Mr Mystery with hidden depths.

She also wondered if his mood was catching because for the last couple of attempts to email Sara and Robert on how things were she typed the news then deleted it as a feeling of foreboding crept over her each time. Sort of jinx it, make it disappear if she typed it, now December was less than a day away and with her trip rushing towards her she really should say something. Perhaps that was what 'it' was all about and there were no darker shadows haunting him. She knew deep down he wanted to walk, they had planned the first walks in their garden, and the sunken garden, even a picnic at the waterfall. Though Jackie quite rightly insisted they would keep to the warmth of the apartment first of all.

Anyway those plans seemed a long way ahead because each time he came to the end of the bars he would zone out on them. The first time they knew he was in that kind of trouble was the loss of strength in his legs and arms and then it had been a race between them catching him or the floor doing it. And as Simon pointed out it afterwards was always far easier to catch him than scrape him up off the floor. So then they'd gathered at the end of the bars and that of course made things tense. Yep words flew thick and fast and if they were lucky he would make an ungainly turn and go back towards the chair at the other end. If not then he'd zone out on them between the bars. Of course it frustrated him that he could not storm off to his chair and sit down or zoom away and sulk. He could only move very very slowly and then had to accept their help to get into the chair. Today she hoped would be different and he would understand why she was doing this and most of all it would work.

She got up from the sofa sorted out the CD tracks she wanted and set the programme then walked quietly to stand opposite Jackie and waited. Simon was starting his slow progress behind John in case he needed support and would duck out when necessary. The first song was a recent one they both liked and as it started she saw John was fairly relaxed, his hands gripped and released each bar in turn as he silently concentrated on each small slow still ungainly step. They were looking a more natural than before and though he still looked downwards but not straight down as before, it was just a touch ahead so he could still check that his feet were actually doing what he told them to.

Meg knew it was still a very conscious effort and she could hear Jackie's gentle encouragement for him to look up as he walked trying to get him more confident so the movements would flow more easily. She mentally ran through the song and timing pf his progress as she watched him and realised it would work.

The music changed just as John got to the end of the bars and so did his attitude, he froze. With their favourite song helping him relax he was just bringing his head up as Jackie's gentle nagging had got to him. He flickered the thought he'd come to the end of the bars and the music changed and he froze.

Meg moved quickly in front of him the instant she saw him freeze and hoped she was doing the right thing, and saw the merest flicker of recognition of her and the song and smiled back at him. She knew he had every right to be shocked. This was 'their song' from the past, the one they loved to dance to at The Deep and that beautiful time in Santa Barbara. For her whenever they danced to it, it brought an incredible feeling of love and safety and her instincts told her it did the same for him and these days she was willing to trust those instincts.

She saw his eyes were dark but focused on hers and she thought she could see swirls of memory in there somewhere. Silently she prayed it was the good ones and he would not zone out and in the back of her mind she knew Simon and Jackie would be their shadows just in case and said gently. "Whenever we danced to this we felt safe, loved and nothing would defeat us, in some ways nothing has. We are together, safe with friends we can trust."

John stayed silent and nodded; she knew she had him and he was not going to zone out on her, as she feared and carried on. "No one here is going to let you hurt yourself … you are safe in our love. Trust us, our love and the music."

He gave another nod and she saw the flicker as he let himself go back into memories of the song and their love.

She gently took his hand and guided it onto her shoulder, she felt it grip and his balance change, then she guided the other one onto her other shoulder and felt his balance change again. Then she moved her hands to support his elbows and then gently, carefully eased herself one smooth step back. She felt their love and trust flow between them as he shuffled that foot forward, she moved the other gently back not much just a little … he shuffled that foot unevenly forward, she waited for his balance to settle.

She looked up into his eyes, they were dark but still with her and no doubt with their memories, hearing Jackie's gentle voice guide her she let the music join them and moved again. His steps were ungainly, awkward and she steadied him when he stumbled, she smiled at his gentle 'thank you' then waited for him to get his balance and then they shuffled again. … … She felt him stiffened as the song came to an end but relax as it repeated again and they repeated their movements again and again ... …

During the second time around of the song she felt his confidence grow … the music was slow and gentle … his gait was still uneven small shuffles and not quiet in time but they were getting a little smoother. His grip on her shoulders relaxed into a resting touch and she released her grip on his elbows and just let them rest against them. Best of all she felt him start to guide her as he looked over her head not just into her eyes.

At the beginning of the third time through, though no words were spoken they knew the next stage needed to be faced. She slowly turned to one side and felt his hand drop from her shoulder, she was slightly in front of him so he could see her but not trip over her. His other hand that resting on her shoulder shifted slightly when he stumbled, she guessed the other one grabbed for something in the air. She knew the others were close enough to stop his fall if necessary. It was not, he corrected himself and, it was only a little stumble. Their goal was the second sofa, which was not very far away as they had been aiming for it.

Without her totally in front of him he shuffled forward a couple of steps, Meg moved into the gap between the sofas and caught a glimpse of Shep sitting in his usual place in front of the fire, watching them with a puzzled expression on his face. It nearly broke her concentration as she realised Shep had never see John walking. He usually went for a walk so was out the way tonight he'd been band to his rug. She felt the light touch on her shoulder go as John was shuffling into the gangway made by the two sofas. She turned immediately to watch and get out the way or help … he was on his own.

John felt the flash of pain mix with the knowledge he was doing it on his own and made that extra push to do it. He ungainly shuffled across the front of the sofa till he guessed he would not tip off the edge then shuffled round and got ready to sit down. With the music ending he did it with a gasp and thump and a tip of his body as it was not the controlled ending he really wanted, would have liked. … But he'd made it… done it.

Meg felt a rush of elation for him, saw his flicker of a smile as well as hiss of pain and he leaned his head against the back of the sofa and closed his eyes. She heard Shep's tail swishing madly and put her hand in the stay position to make sure he didn't get up and rush to John.

Grinning Simon slipped a blanket over John's legs and put a hand on his arm to help him sit better and got a gentle 'no thank you' so moved away to an equally grinning Jackie. A moment later John opened his eyes and straightened into a better position and breathed easier as his muscles relaxed and the pain eased and looked at her fully realising what he... they had achieved. His voice was incredibly soft as he said. "Thank you."

Meg stayed watching him with a smile and gave a gentle laugh in answer the look he gave her, his eyes were bright and happy his voice was incredibly soft as he said. "I did it. Thank you."

Though she felt like shouting her happiness she gave a gentle laugh in answer to his words and the look he gave her, then she sat down beside him. He took her hand and kissed it they smiled at each other then she snuggled up to him for a proper kiss.

They broke the kiss and the beat of Shep's tail thumping the floor as he sat and watched them broke the comfortable silence. Meg smiled and said "I think Shep was a bit confused just now."

John looked at Shep and commanded, "Come on boy!"

Shep jumped up tail wagging even more and ran over to them stopping abruptly at his master's feet to sniff then as though checking it was his master. Satisfied he sat and rested his head on John's knees and looked at him.

Looking at him John smoothed Shep's head and said gently. "Hey, got a bit of a shock then … well no jumping up okay."

Shep gave a little growl as if in answer which made Meg laugh.

Then they all jumped as Simon popped the cork of a bottle behind them; Jackie brought filled glasses round as she handed John his she said gently but firmly. "You did well but we keep to crutches around the apartment use the chair still and especially outside till we are sure everything is okay. …AND no rushing!"

"Yes Mum and thanks." John said with a grin and then took a sip from his glass.

Simon looked at them and could not help it and said with a grin. "One small step…. but never got any further because of the laughing and threats from the others, which then turned into plans for the rest of the evening and the next day.

oxoxox

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