CHAPTER 33

Meg smiled quietly to herself as she remembered the phone call earlier that afternoon and hoped her surprise would not shock John too much. It was something they wanted but had not expected just yet and knew it would bring more pressure and complications. She found her work enjoyable as well as a welcome break from his varying moods and could understand his frustration. He'd tried to take a couple of steps in the covered garden and the club but totally failed each time. Also at home he felt more restricted than before as he had to fight the temptation to get up and get something rather than wait for someone else to get it and give to him. Not only that, Jackie had to keep reminding him not to rush and rest in the afternoons as well as having early nights.

His quiet moods were there, even her boss Tony mentioned it after a business meeting with him. He was one of the few who knew she was actually sleeping with John and not just going out with him. As news seeped out that she was seeing John she had expected a lot of questions about herself etc but none had materialized. Back at Sunset Beach her friends would have been all over her for gossip but here they were happy just knowing everything was all right, which was nice. She smiled with a shake of her head and tried again to get her mind back on the report she was meant to finish before she went home.

A bit later she was finally reading that elusive report when a knock on the open door and "Meg, Jackie wants you to go home." made her look up to a grinning Tony who added softly. "He's waiting."

Taking in her boss's expression and realising there wasn't an emergency at home Meg smiled with a gentle "Oh!"

Immediately turning serious Tony continued. "I should warn you, Jackie's voice had an edge to it." He paused then carried on with a slight tease in his voice. "Your news might cheer him up, after the shock of it, of course."

Meg looked at him puzzled and after a huge grin he explained. "My wife blossomed once she knew; it was just like switching on a light. But I won't say any more to you or anyone else till you make it public, but you know I'm here for you. Was that the reason for his recent quietness?"

Meg giggled as she realised what he meant, then gave a gentle sigh adding. "No. He does not know yet, no reason too. … I think he's having trouble adjusting to being able to do a bit more and yet has to hold back; and being watched all the time doesn't help matters. I've nearly finished this report then I'll go and rescue Jackie and just hope my own surprise does not cause too much trouble all round."

Tony pushed the door closed and made himself comfortable leaning against the filing cabinet and said quietly. "Don't worry about the report, do it in the morning when you can concentrate better. I'm sure John will love the idea of being a dad and I'm very pleased for you both. You know you've done him a power of good since you came."

Meg stayed silent, she could see he was weighing up his words carefully and there was obviously more to come.

Tony nodded to himself sure it was the right thing to do and said. "Like everyone else around here we've only known John since January this year, but I believe you've known him much longer. I can see it in yours and his eyes when you both talk about each other. It's not so obvious to others but I see it in my wife's eyes and know it's there because of a deep understanding love that has grown up through time rather than a flash in the pan wonder."

He saw her flash of worry and added quickly. "It's okay, I know John has a past which Jack is protecting and I guess it would hurt you both if it got to be general knowledge … it won't. There are a few and I'm one of them who know it was John's money that saved Mandy and Jack's home and invested very wisely in this part of town and valley stopped the domino effect downwards and is giving us our identity back, after all we are the original part of town.

Everyone else admires him because he's gone from death's door to now thinking about walking; and you've come along giving them a fairy tale ending that was meant to be as he lived. So, they will let you tell them what you want to because no one wants to break the spell and find out it was all a dream."

He paused as a thought struck him and then carried on. "Come to think of it there is one who might start asking and that's our newspaper lad Bill. He's been a bit quiet lately and that usually means he's digging around for a story, so just let me or Jack know if he starts pushing questions and we will gently remind him about court injunctions."

Meg nodded and let him carry on. "I don't suppose you know but I first met John when I collected my wife one evening from the hospital; she was one of the intensive care nurses there. She was delayed so I sat beside John and read, she always said her patients could hear voices and he was alone. Anyway Jack poked his head round the door and we started to chat … I was intrigued by the man who had money and a totally trashed motorbike. From then on I read to him while I waited for her, I think she was late deliberately and we used to count off the days he was still with us.

Then she helped with his care when he was bought to the apartment and I still called and read to him and when he woke up we had some very one sided conversations about business. From flashes of yes or no on the board they'd ridge up for him I realised he had a very clever business mind so stuck with him. Now he's getting his life back, it must seem strange for both of you whatever your history is. If you need any time off tomorrow ring in and let me know that report can wait another day, I can always blame a computer virus for the delay."

She smiled at him and said with genuine respect. "Thank you … and for your silence."

She pressed the keys to save her work as Tony carried on with a gentle huff. "In a small way I can understand his frustration I got stranded on the roadside at the weekend and had to wait an hour for the breakdown truck and the people I needed to contact would not answer the phone. I think I'm going to take a leaf out his book now the bridle way is usable and ride in on horseback." he gave a smile at her look and added. "On nice days anyway. That's another thing he's brought back to us, not many people would think of it as an attraction but it will be."

Meg chuckled. "Yes I think it will, after all it's a lovely town and everyone has been so nice."

Tony gave a nod saying. "Here in the old part we know what's good for us … and our two strangers are very good for us." He gave a gentle laugh and got ready to leave adding. "Supposed I'd better think about packing up or the missus will be after me again."

She smiled and as she packed up and wondered just how many businesses had been rescued then realised that was one ability that stayed with John; and even the hotel was proving that with more bookings coming in for next year.

oxoxo

Meg parked the car and started to walk towards the apartment, the curtains were drawn shutting out the coming evening and the gentle security light, which bathed the area. She checked her watch found it had stopped again and tutted, she would have to get a new one in the morning; she'd had the battery checked by the jeweller not long ago.

"Meg wait!"

She looked up, stopped and waited.

When Mandy joined her she explained. "A word in your ear, Jackie said he's been a quiet stubborn old ass all day so it's possible this evening might not go as he wants it to. We will be on hand if you want us."

Mandy's words made her smile, this morning she thought she spotted a bit of the old Ben back, the glint in his eyes that told her a surprise was on its way. She knew Simon and Jackie wouldn't hint about anything as they would be needed to make it happen, another thing for him to be frustrated about. Her mind wandered for a moment to her own surprise and with his it could make the evening really interesting. A snorting from a horse in the paddock brought her back sharply and said. "Thanks for the warning, do you want to come in for a moment?"

Mandy looked at her for a moment then said. "You're looking good in spite of the tension his moods must be causing. I'll just pop in and collect Jack … he was checking something with Simon and no doubt got carried away … put those three together and they are worse than women chatting." Meg laughed understanding her completely as Mandy carried on. "Looks as though snow is coming in tonight … we missed the first lot."

Meg sighed. "That's all we need especially with my trip only a few days away." Then opened the door expecting to find John waiting for her in the lounge area; instead Jackie was in the kitchen area busy unloading the dishwasher. She immediately looked up as the door opened and when Meg gave a slight nod of greeting she smiled and went back to her job.

Simon was near other apartment's passageway and called across to her. "Two minutes and we'll leave you in peace; Jack's just getting the papers from our apartment."

On the way in Meg noted the empty wheelchair by the door so knew John was around on crutches and hoped he was not too tired or had a disappointment over their idea that morning. They had decided to see if they could convert a window into a door so they could go into the covered garden, as they called it, straight from the apartment. He had rung Val and she promised to check it out as she had the plans etc. Meg quietly hoped it might be done while she was away so it would give him something else to think about.

She looked around for him again and saw him. He had been masked by Jackie, and now could see why Jackie's voice had an edge, he was looking tired and tense as he made slow progress. So she smiled a welcome ready for when he glanced her way knowing not to break his concentration with a verbal greeting.

He got near the end of the unit knowing she was there, looked up and smiled at her as he put a slim wrapped up present on the top of the counter. It should not have caused any bother, he knew the height of the counter but he misjudged it started to topple, then righted himself. That meant the present pushed against a cup and the vase of white and gold roses, they both rocked then went over the top.

Jackie caught the movement and tried to save the cup which went her side but was too far away. John swore and his natural instincts to save the vase of flowers falling kicked in. He needed his hands so pushed the crutches away and got tangled in them so they pushed against a pile of plates which in turn fanned out as they also fell off the counter.

Meg and the others could only stand and watch, seeing it as though it was in slow motion though in fact it only took seconds rather than minutes. They all knew that Ben's mind tended to get tangled when trying to walk so he should not have looked at Meg and smiled a greeting while trying to put the present down and finish walking. But he forgot and he missed the vase by a fingertip all the way down to the ground where it smashed.

The noise was tremendous as the plates hit the ground some broke, some didn't and John somehow managed to curl his top half away from the glass, but the china hit around his legs and he stayed still after he landed. Through it all they heard his cry 'I can't do it!" which was a mixture of pleading and frustration.

oxoxo

In the aftermath, Meg realised what had just happened was the snapping of the last straw as far as John was concerned. She carefully made her way over to him and wondered what it was he could not do … catch the vase or was it the 'something' that had been troubling him for a while and had caused his quietness.

Meg heeded Jack's and Simon's warnings about the broken glass and china, knew they were the right side to see to Ben but she desperately needed to touch him prove to herself that he was all right and knew her touch was important to him. She also had the impression of Shep whining possibly hurt and or trapped by the broken bits but knew the others would help him much better than she could.

Crouching beside John calling his name as Meg took his hand, which was cold and shaking, and heard Jackie's voice talking to Simon so knew she would have to move to let them take care of him. Reassured he was still with them, she got up and made her way over to the lounge area to watch.

Jack picked Shep up and carried him over to the fire then checked his fur for bits - he was fine just shaken. Mandy was busy in the kitchen area while Simon and Jackie checked John over, all the time there was a strange quiet and calm as everyone knew what to do.

Then Meg had to smile at the short sharp replies to Jackie's questions and knew John was with them, he had not zone out or lost consciousness. She watched as they gradually helped him up, found he wasn't cut but was shaking. Even from there she could feel his frustration, anger and saw the hurt in his eyes as they almost carried him over to the sofa, then moved away to give him space. Once there, he sat looking straight ahead muttering 'I can't do it!' quietly to himself.

That worried Meg so she got down in front of him, calling his name. Getting his attention and keeping eye contact she asked gently "What can't you do John?"

His voice was husky and loving, though his words were rushed. "I can't give you what you want. You're trapped with me I wanted to give you a family. Instead you're going to lose yours, you love them and they love you, the twins need your love. I thought I could live like this but I can't, I'm hurting you too much, I'm sorry." And stopped to breathe and look at her.

She could see his pain all too clearly - love and guilt - as it had always been. He had hated it when he hurt her family and he felt he was doing it again. She knew through his strength of character he would pull through somehow if she left; what he needed now as to hear the truth in her voice and keeping it loving and gentle she reassured him. "You're giving me everything I want whether you are John or Ben. We do not need to be married for our life to be happy. … I'm going to see Sara when she gives birth and I'll keep in contact with them. They will have my love and we will be just like any other family who lives apart. I'm not going to leave you … I love you … and you are going to make a wonderful loving father to our child no matter what happens."

She realised that John was still wrapped up in her pain at leaving her family but it had been her choice to stay; and it was always difficult to make him understand that as he rushed in at the end of her words saying. "You will not see the twins grow up as you should I'm stopping you. It will always be second best it's not fair on you or them … … They'll not be here for you when you need them. I want so much to have you and a family as we planned."

As she listened Meg realised that somewhere in his mind he had picked up her message even if he had not fully realised it, and said gently. "We have months to plan things and I've got Mandy and Jackie here if Mum and Dad can't come. They will understand when the truth is known. … We will be like many other split families, they are okay and so will we be."

Ben looked at her questioningly for a moment and she could almost see the penny drop and the ripples of understanding; but they were smothered as he zoned away from them.

She called his name, but his unseeing eyes looked at her, the others were close but stayed silent. And as John spoke they realised the wall around his childhood memories had come crashing down; his voice was gentle and quiet. "It became the family story, they thought it was one baby. He was about 6lbs, I was a hidden twin under 3lbs coming out backwards and in a tangle just to make things difficult. Because I was so near death they wanted us to be christened there and then. My parents of course had only chosen names for one, and that had taken a lot of soul searching. Now they had to find something in a couple minutes while the Chaplin was coming and Mum needed attention.

The name Derek was my parents' choice, Benjamin was my mother's father's name and John was a name given to the first boy of the family. They could not use it as a first name as my grandfather had it and my father used it because he did not like his first name of Cedric. Other names seemed old fashioned, too way out or just not liked and the staff were all female so that was not help. They decided to stay with Benjamin as they wanted the family connection and I was not expected to last more than an hour, but I did.

Friends and family always used to ask after me first as I had been so ill at birth and in babyhood. I was stronger in childhood but the habit of me first, Derek second stayed. I was the quiet one so got the attention while he was the boisterous one and always into everything. Our parents always treated us fairly and put him first when they could. But in the big wide world the fact he was born first did not matter as Ben came before Derek in the alphabet so again I was first. He needed to be the first twin … the only one."

Ben shivered coming part way back to them as Meg took his hand feeling shocked and sorry for him; his eyes registered her touch and he held her hand as he carried on, his voice still gentle. "I believed I could live with a different name … in the wheelchair I'm John no past just a future. But now I am starting to walk … there's a part of me that wants to be Ben again; be the person I was, give you all the things you deserve, marry you and give our children my name."

He'd said the last words slowly and Meg saw that slow grin she loved along with the twinkle sparkle in his eyes come, and she knew it had finally come to the surface. It was confirmed by his soft and loving. "Really, expecting our baby."

She nodded and he looked around at the others who had listened to his story. Jackie smiled and nodded, he beamed back at Meg and she knew he was not cross that Jackie knew before he did or that it had happened now instead of later.

Meg words were gentle and very loving as she wanting him to really understand how happy she was repeated what she had said earlier. "I want you to be the father of my child, the person you are now, the strong, kind, gentle man I love. We have an adopted loving family around us who are great. We can use my surname or Smith; my family know a bit about you as John and have accepted you.

We can plan a slow evacuation from Sunset Beach, Sara and Casey can move when the kids are old enough to travel. When they find out the truth they will understand why and respect your wishes. I'm not yet four weeks so it will be months away and they need not know yet. We will work it out and you have not trapped me here I wanted to stay remember."

She noticed how pale he was and though he smiled she could see the doubt creeping back in as he spoke. "I cannot let you lose them. They will hate me if I keep you here especially now … they will want to see the baby give it their love and they will not be able to."

Meg realised it had been churning around his mind ever since they had talked about their future after Jackie's 'little' talk. They had both wanted children and decided to let it happen naturally, they just had not bargained on fate giving them a present quite so fast and reassured him. "Sweetheart it will be fine, we will cope now let's get this mess cleared up while you rest and get warm."

Mandy put some hot drinks on the table and said gently but firmly. "The flowers are a bit battered but okay; Shep is fine and can stay by the fire while things are cleaned up. You and I need to have a chat before you go into shock and zone out again. You talk I'll listen with just a few question no hard probing I promise and just between us no one else."

John nodded and took the drink she offered, but looked at Meg as he took a couple of sips then said. "I'm sorry it happened like this … I want to celebrate our news."

Meg smiled, she could hear the love in his voice as well as the pain he was feeling. When he put his cup down she took his hand and rubbed it against her cheek and kissed it then said lightly but lovingly "It's all right I can see you're happy and we wanted it this way. Go with Mandy into Jackie's apartment for a while, then we will have a meal ready in here and we can celebrate together."

He tried to get up but could not and accepted Simon's help into the wheelchair and Meg looked across at Jackie who smiled reassuringly at her.

As Mandy passed her daughter she said "I thought you had a mother daughter talk to Meg at the beginning."

Jackie smiled and said lightly back "Yes it went very well didn't it." Her mother sighed as Jackie carried on "Anyway you had your talk with John so we can talk about this all night and get nowhere. Come on Mum! They love each other it was bound to happen sooner or later."

John huffed to Mandy. "What about consenting adults Grandma!" but there was a slight smile and a definite twinkle in his eyes.

Mandy smiled as the others giggled, there was nothing she could say to that remark so waved Simon on and followed them into the apartment leaving Jackie, Meg and Jack sort things out.

oxoxo

Now the excitement was over and they were tidying up Meg suddenly felt worried and asked them. "What about seeing Sara."

Jack put some more broken pieces in the bin and answered. "Travelling should not be a problem; you will not be showing for a while so it's not a case of floppy jumpers to hide the bump." He looked at her then added. "They will know though as you are beaming at the moment, so goodness knows what it's going to be like in four days time!" Meg looked at him accusingly so he said quickly with a wicked grin. "Well, it will reassure everyone that you are fine … been having fun!"

Meg could not help but laugh then said with a sigh. "Talk about taking the magic out of it. Mum and Dad will go berserk! I mean Mum's not even got used to the idea I will not get married to John. … Now this …" She shrugged her shoulders as she realised she couldn't do anything about it, then exclaimed to Jackie. "I'm starving anything to nibble before the meal has finished cooking."

She looked sharply at Jackie as there was a gentle laugh and a mutter about eating for two already.

oxoxo

The room was tidy and double checked for bits so Shep would be all right walking around. The meal had been put on a cooler heat so it would not spoil and Meg knew it would be a foursome for the evening and not the private evening John had wanted. But that would be okay, and looked round as Mandy came back from the other apartment and noted she looked tired but was smiling.

Before she got bombarded with questions Mandy said to the group. "John is sleeping on the sofa, he should wake naturally in about an hour. I've left the buzzer near him so … Oh okay Shep go see him but don't wake him." and gave a laugh as Shep walked by her giving her a look that seemed to say 'As if I would!'

Then she carried on as she sat on the sofa. "We've been through some of his childhood, which I'll not go into detail only say it was unusual and rough in places. His parents loved both the boys as equally as they could, but because Derek was the boisterous one he dominated the family. I doubt John will talk about it for some time so don't push Meg, just be there and ready to listen when it comes; remember he was loved by his parents and loved them back.

We will have to watch him in case he zones out again as he remembers and packs it away again. Perhaps with it off his mind he will start to walk better, we'll have to see and he's promised to rest more. I was wondering if we can get more warmth into the garden as he's quiet relaxed there."

Simon and Jack gave a nod and Mandy smiled as she carried on. "He is really chuffed Meg and a bit worried about the baby, but that's not surprising." then she added seriously. "I would like to go with you to Sunset Beach."

"Hey!" Jack exclaimed.

Mandy carried on quickly. "You owe me a holiday Jack and I'm sure Robert can put us up in his hotel suite he has there or just in the hotel. We can be his friend rather than Meg's, you can be a retired traffic cop and I think I had better stay a doctor as I might be needed when we land and Meg parents' sees her." She added with a teasing gleam in her eyes.

Meg shook her head and laughed. "That is so unfair: Jack's already said it's written in my face. Will he be all right?"

Mandy nodded knowing who she was referring to and carried on. "Jack's right it is, especially now you've told us, didn't I say you looked good when I first saw you tonight. … It's that cat's got the cream look. My brother checked you out I suppose."

Smiling Meg nodded and Mandy carried on with a slight grin. "John was at great pains to say you had both discussed babies and wanted it to come naturally so did not take precautions. Can't say we didn't warn you he was active in that department."

Meg giggled and blushed so Mandy took pity on her and said. "Okay let's get on to your trip, Jackie and Simon will be around and Paul and Val will be coming for a short break. If you can call it that, he's bound to be moody but having the new door fitted should occupy his mind. Val's confirmed it could be done easily to do as that was an option with that window. No doubt Paul will want to visit the waterfall but only if it hasn't snowed. And you can't really just walk in and say hi and look at the twins and walk out again, so we could be there about four days." and added with a grin "After all you need to know what you are letting yourself in for … okay half as it's one baby." then ended in a dark sigh in spite of the twinkle in her eye. "It had better only be one."

"Thank you very much!" Meg exclaimed with a smile, already hoping it would stay one as well, then added. "Robert said he wanted to stay a couple of days anyway something to do with setting something up in his office and a meeting with AJ. He is going to pick me up from the other airport as he is coming from Boston, then we go straight into Sunset. … Is it just because I'm expecting that you want to come?"

"No, I want to see the other twin. Oh don't worry I will not get too close. I think it will do John good if he sees his brother enjoying life on video, not just have yours or Robert's word for it. I know it's not justice in the usual sense of the word but it will mean he can stop feeling guilty about allowing things to rest as they are. He's also worried that Maria may turn on Derek and feels he should warn him. "

Meg exclaimed. "Oh, surely not! … At the beginning perhaps if she found out that Ben was alive but she loves Derek and the children. You could say they are two of a kind only difference is she has not murdered anyone. Anyway, hasn't Derek made his choice by staying with her?"

Mandy explained gently. "I know, but you're forgetting there is still a bond between John and his brother even if he must stay dead. He feels it's a possibility, after all Maria turned from him to his brother so she could easily turn to someone else. If he sees they are really happy it should stop that fear.

I would also like to see your parents and family, if we are to think about moving them out I need to convince him it will be their choice and he's not turning into his brother by arranging their future for them. Now, let's see if we have to call on the hotel chef for help to rescue your meal."

Meg left Jackie and Mandy and went to the office careful not to wake John as she passed the lounge area.

She sat at the computer wondering whether to tell Robert all the news and decided to leave one bit till she saw him, then wrote.

Hi Robert

Will tell you all on the plane - we came, we saw and he shuffles. See the attached photo.

Mandy and Jack would like to come on the visit. Mandy thought they could come as your friends rather than mine, though I think Mandy might want to chat with Mum and Dad once they see how things are.

We are trying to think of a cover story - Jack can only be a retired Cop even in sweatshirt and jeans he has Officer written all over him. Mandy thinks it will help John if he knows his family are happy it's not just our word on it.

Let me know if this is impossible otherwise see you at the airport.

Latest word from Sara is she is still at home, okay and counting the days.

Thanks and love.

Meg

She attached a photo of the waterfall knowing it would keep him guessing as there was no one in it just the winter scene.

Her mind flashed back to their ride down the bridle path, they'd taken the direct route as it was chilly though sunny and they could not stay long. They'd used the wedding trap so she could sit with John and Jackie rode Sandie with Shep rounding them up all the way. She remembered John's smile as he sat on the bench. He had not even tried to walk just quietly allowed Simon to carry him to the seat. As they sat together for a photo they both knew this would be a nice quiet route out into the countryside for them and that photo would be tucked away with the other special ones they couldn't show.

She pressed the keys and smiled as it coded then disappeared, knowing Robert would say yes; and heard Shep come up the stairs. When he got to her she chuckled as he had all three squares as the message so she closed everything down then went downstairs.

Stopping by the sofa she sat on the chair beside John and teased gently "You rang Sir?"

He shifted so he could sit up and with a smile nodded then gave her the box, which had started his downfall and said. "I wanted to give you this to say thank you for suffering my moods and helping me get this far. I hope you like it. I guess I took on too much, got a bit cold when I had to wait outside the shop to choose it, then refused to have an nap and got angry when Jackie told me to. … I'm sorry I made a mess of things I will not in future."

She smiled and nodded at his admission and opened the box. Her smile grew wider, deeper, it was a beautiful watch with a silver bracelet strap and she said softly. "It's lovely John thank you. I guess you heard me swear at the other one when it stopped yesterday."

He nodded and smiled then helped her put it on and said softly "It will mean much more now. I love you and our baby to come … you know that don't you."

She looked at him, his eyes sparkling and answered truthfully. "Yes I do and I know how strong you are and the doubts will go."

They kissed

The job done Shep quietly left the couple and made his way into the other apartment for his tea. Seeing him come through and knowing what was happening Jackie counted to twenty then called them that the meal was ready … was tempted to add 'when they were' but realised that might mean they would take longer so left it and waited.

Meg gave John his crutches so he could get into the wheelchair then pushed him to join the others. During the meal Meg explained about the alterations to the trip to see Sara and they all chatted so things got back to normal, though Meg noticed John was still quiet at times and watched her a great deal. So she gently teased him that she was not suddenly breakable or ill, which made him smile.

That night in the privacy of their bed they curled up together happy in their love for each other.