Chapter 41

Hi Sis and John

How about happy after Christmas from us all – no doubt some lucky people get a lie in; you know I think I'll have to educate the twins on that one. Quickly!

So good morning folks, here is the news of what happened Christmas day our end.

Did I tell you, you sounded happy … cheekily happy … made me wonder just why John was resting! Okay mind firmly on the job not on the possibilities.

Well after your phone call everything went mad. Not in a bad way food was cooked to perfection, just as well Mum cooks for 'the many', remember those gatherings we used to have at the farm well, that's what took place here.

We had most of yours, ours and Mum and Dad's friends call by to see the twins and found the food of course, it was not all at once … I think after the first couple left the word "food" got a round and they paced themselves, but it was a lovely way to spend the rest of the day seeing them.

Anyway I passed on your love and thanks for the presents, got theirs back to you expect you will get emails later. They were all pleased that Robert dropped them off all right. (Umm is 'dropped off' the right words I wonder because he landed the plane and handed them to us. Glad he had practice on the way over to you as yours were still wrapped according last mail, of course I do only have your word for it.)

We were (who am I kidding … are) knee deep in wrapping paper and goodies as they all brought things for the babies (not all rattles either, I think they must have had a list or the shop did) and some for us as well. So I guess it might not have been quite such a spur of the moment thing.

Umm Father Christmas is calling next year … decided they were a bit young this year… just as well really considering events.

Sorry have to pop out for a sec be back soon. (No not a loo break … Casey needs something and only I know where to start looking for it.)

Back again ... Okay so I did not find it where I thought it was … did find it though (heh heh never going to put it there again!) and we had our coffee break as well … okay loo break as well. So to carry on the continuing saga ... drum roll … nope that was a box being dropped … at least it sounded empty and no 'ouch' so could not have hit anyone.

Casey still can not get over your present for him … (You know Cheshire cat grin was not big enough … no he did not dance round the room with delight I managed to stop him, umm perhaps I should have let him and videoed it.) …he's been after one for ages and will treasure it. If John helped you get it, … watch it in case he can see what people are thinking or wishing from a distance … thank him as well.

Yes, you chose right for mine as well (big hug and kiss) and of course Mum and Dad love theirs, but you know that as we already told you on the phone. (Can I be really cheeky and wonder if something like Mum's present could be ordered for the shop, I'm sure they would be bought by lots of people it is so unusual … I say like so it's not the same as Mum's.)

Mind you the present Dad had from the Prestons would have had you in stitches (Oh dear I wonder if that is the right word considering.) if I can I will get you a photo of him wearing it. Yes I did say wearing it – too long is one way of putting it. (Oh giggles just writing about it.) Mum's present was much better the scent was just right, as she had just run out. I should not laugh really as they are the only ones who have kept in touch since we lost the farm and they were always kind to us.

This is madness I need to deal with the twins and put lunch on … will be back after the adverts and lunch no doubt. (Makes you wonder what husbands are for!)

Lunch was good and the twins are asleep with dad and granddad. So I will do this very quietly. Mum has sneaked off to see a friend and before you comment I do know what husbands are for. Giggles … quietly.

Your way of travelling sounds great just as well you've got a hood but what about the poor driver up front or does the person beside you drive on the wet days … hope the springs are good. I'm still green about Snow White (do you think I could have a horse to cut the lawn out back) I guess John must be sick of the sight of the barn, come spring though you'll be able to go to that waterfall together. I suppose, as you will have to give up riding before then, (Bump will get in the way) you'll both in the carriage or will he be riding alongside sort of swapping rolls.

Oh, I wish you would describe him so I could complete the picture, but I know you won't so don't worry about that question. For some reason I picture him as being taller than you are … just like to put a colour to his hair. (You've had dark and blonde so I guess I could say red just to be different or even green streaked, okay forget that one.)

Anyway don't forget send us another photo of the waterfall with you in it as we need one for each season and as you progress (wicked I know but that's what sisters are there for). I know with the last one we have two for winter, but that's okay you've got lots and will have lots of the twins. So! Exchange is no robbery. By the way have a picnic there on me if you see what I mean, and I don't mean send the bill either, because I know you will get the most expensive food. Just enjoy thinking of me slaving away as you enjoy the view etc.

Talking about size I'm getting my figure back very slowly. Another mum I know who had her baby had hers back within two weeks ugg. Umm perhaps that's because she only had one … I had two umm that does not sound so bad after all. As for your size that will come (laughs more wickedly)

John must think a lot of you to order all those sweets or was he just thinking ahead and starting a sweetshop for your child. You know Mum likes sweets therefore child likes sweets. Just don't go off them or is there going to be a special label 'pregnant mums only'. I must admit I still like them.

Okay, okay so I admit I went and made myself a cup of tea and the 'boys' woke up and then there was this phone call and we chatted so now as evening starts to draw in (okay I'm kidding it's a sunny afternoon – late not early afternoon – Casey is going to have to find tea or I will never finish this.)

I'll give you peace over New Year and not ring at midnight … mind you if you are going out you will not hear it anyway, unless John is staying home then he'll hear it … Come to think of it it's Robert's number, and we've not got yours; and anyway lots of people will try to ring loved ones so exchanges will be engaged or lines blocked. Okay end of that thought … just let us know how things go and I'll do the same the usual way.

Hope your day was good, if you're at your machine perhaps you'll let us know. (hint hint.)

Lots of cries and smiles from the kids, it amazes me how they are growing … just as well I no longer carry them inside … lol … yep definitely think I know how to feed and change the babies even in my sleep. (Can I fast forward to the next stage, you know food flying off spoons on to floor stage … umm perhaps not a good idea.)

My master is calling so I must obey. … Yep tea is ready bless Casey's heart … so I will love you and leave you … (giggles … Casey's just read that bit and is beaming) … give love to John from all of us.

So he does not feel left out Casey insists I send you his love as well (should I be worried I wonder?) Opps he saw that and tea is going to go in the bin I really must go as save it. Love from all.

Sara.

Meg laughed at the picture her sister painted and went over the mail again while drinking her cup of tea and gradually slipped into flash backs of their own Christmas day.

oxoxo

They had planned a lazy morning of opening presents, she had been worried she would have lots from her family and friends and he would only have a few. But she was wrong he had had cards and small gifts from people at the club as well as presents from people he had come to know over the year. A lot were simply addressed to John and Meg making her feel one of a very large family. First came breakfast with Simon and Jackie which was certainly not a quiet affair as they exchanged presents and stories of how they kept them away from each other, then they'd left to be with their family for the usual Church service and gathering which would go on till after lunch.

So this was their special time together and with music in the background they opened their presents, first he quietly presented her with an extra parcel as she handed over hers to him. He gave her 'that' slow cheeky smile that told her she should've known him better than to think Snow White would be the only present he would give her. He watched her open it and her smile of delight as it was a book and a video she'd wanted. They'd kissed and then she'd curled up next to him with butterflies in her stomach as he opened her present.

She need not have worried Robert had been right whatever she gave him he would cherish but the slow smile of love he gave her told her the memories of the old watch were still there and would mingle with the new one he held. She watched him turn the watch over and read the inscription "Soulmates forever' and the emotion in his eyes and smile as he looked at her was too deep for words so they'd kissed deeply and lovingly. Only to be broken by Shep who decided he wanted to play with his present and dumped it on their knees. So with laughter they passed the rest of the morning opening presents and throwing balls of paper for Shep to chase till it was time for her to ring her family.

They decided she would do it in the dining area so he could be a silent part of it, to her family he would be sleeping so unable to come to the phone. For a while she'd joined them all in the apartment with all the gossip and the general mayhem that went with Christmas as well as the baby noises as the twins were either in their pram or being carried around. She'd finished the call and walked back into the lounge area chatting bubbly about the call till with a slight shock she realised John had not heard a word she had said.

He was looking at the book Sara and Casey had given her it was a beautiful book of aerial and other photos of Britain, she recognised the page as the one they had been looking at when she'd left to make her call and that was over a quarter of an hour ago.

For a second she panicked about what to do, then took a deep breath and realised that Shep was not in his 'Master zoned out' mode, instead unusually for him he was up on the sofa snuggled up against John's thigh his nose resting on the only bit that was not covered by the book, and his dark eyes were watching her, his tail wagging slowly. So John was not zoned out just deep in memory, which was not surprising as the book was about his home country, she had worried about leaving him with it but he insisted he was fine.

She sat down beside him and put her hand on the page and called 'John' a couple of times, he didn't respond. She looked again at the pages on, one side was the aerial picture on the other were pictures of a beautiful country town. Worried it was all to close to his past she called out not too loudly but sharply. "Ben! Talk to me!"

He shuddered violently and exclaimed "Sorry!" looking at her briefly before looking back at the open book; his eyes were dark with emotion and so was his voice as he started to explain. "I was thrown back to childhood. … Birthdays were strange … broke the routine … we would have a special meal together … it was fine as long as the table was between us, that is Derek and I, then the presents were given out and Mum or Dad would come back to my room and we would play. Derek would stay in the lounge with the other parent and play. On other schooldays because Dad and Mum worked and they were not around for a quick chat about the day I would grab something from the fridge and have it in my room before Derek came home.

Guess I was the youngest kid to have his own room key and bed sit. … It was good in some ways I had the TV and radio all to myself … they had to share it along with the rest of the house. Mum and Dad or friends would pop in so I was not forgotten, Derek was the only one not allowed in. … It used to be a grannies room so it was large enough to have bed, sofa etc and a bathroom attached. Sundays were good Dad took Derek out to the river and I had Mum for the day, next week I would go to the river with Dad and he would stay with Mum, if the weather was bad we would do something different. Derek never hassled me on those days I think they were special for him too.

Some twins are like that they need space and then come together for short periods and they accept each other better and gradually they can live together … only the last bit never really worked with Derek he needed space most of the time, he would of course have me around if it suited him.

I used to be escorted by an adult to and from school and round shops to make sure Derek did not attack me or shadow me too closely. At school we were separated all the time, it was big enough to have two classes for the year; friends soon grew wise and worked round the situation. I had them round in my room and went to their houses escorted of course so I did not miss out in that way. Neither of us were party animals which was just as well, separate parties in one house at the same time might have been too much.

He had the freedom to go where he liked. They did try it the other way round at the very beginning but he wrecked the place and became really uncontrollable and I got sick so they had to do it that way round."

As he spoke the next words John closed the book and put it to one side and looked up at her, "Sorry I should not be doing this to you … I can usually lock it down … …but you are away from your parents because of me, I'm doing the same to you as they did to me. I know it's for love, that's how my parents kept our family together but I'm keeping you away from yours, you're telling them lies. You cannot see Sara and the twins … … you don't need this extra pressure."

She would never forget the look of sadness and shock on his face as he realised she was crying. But she could not help her tears; he was such a gentle forgiving person.

He gave a slow smile even his voice had a gentle lightness to it as he said. "Hey they loved us …not just one twin … and they adored each other … that's why it worked out … And we did have good times … I learnt how to ride and other hobbies so did he … eventually as we got older he let me have more space … I managed to go to University, granted he got the family firm that was okay … I wanted to travel got America and you."

She smiled and kissed him the said, "How can you be so gently and good after all that and you still want him to have his own life."

His voice was gentle and understanding he answered truthfully. "I was loved by a very special couple who did not give up on him either nor will I. I also I know I can never bring Mark and the others back, I'll never forget them and in some ways he is doing good by carrying on the trusts I put in place. As for my 'death' through that he's found the peace and strength to turn his life around, to give love instead of hate and that is important to me.

I also know I cannot face him without destroying a lot of lives and it will be for others to decide what to do when I die.

His tone was loving as he finished. "Most of all I've got my life with you and our baby … I know I'm still a kind of prisoner … perhaps I'm always meant to be that, but at least there is a chance I might one day be able to ride out of this one." He gave a gentle sigh he knew she would understand as he added. "That is if Jackie ever lets me ride out of the barn, of course."

Over her soft chuckle he gave a slow smile and suggested."So, how about us three on horseback for a late summer holiday next year, I hear there are some nice hotels across the valley, especial one which we own a bit of so can get the best rooms and the town I'm told is nice and quiet."

When he smiled like that she could not resist smiling back and as she loved the idea said. "Sounds brilliant, no doubt the baby could be in a harness or we could go as a group and take the carriage, then go out on rides on Sandy and Snow White." Feeling he needed to get back to now she carried on. "I know we will have Christmas turkey and all the trimmings with the others at the hotel tonight so I thought something different for lunch. There are lots in the fridge or freezer and we can have it in here or the garden room."

Seeing a flash of fear and remembrance cross his face she said quickly. "No don't hide it John tell me I know you've been having trouble come on."

He stayed silent, and she knew she was losing him, Shep moved so he nuzzled John's hand as though he wanted smoothing and gave a whimper. She knew contact was good so touched John's other hand and said gently. "Better now than in front of guests tonight."

John shivered and put a hand on Shep's head and smiled at her advice as she carried on talking. "Its memories of the basement isn't it, Mandy said you've been reliving last year as you've been recovering. You know you have nothing to fear from them."

He nodded but stayed silent for a moment longer his eyes were dark and voice shaky but clear when he eventually spoke. "Yes …both accounts…sometimes they've been just on the edge, like whispers in the air I wasn't even sure they were there so I kept waiting for something to hit and it has. … Sort of … … all the impressions have come together I don't even know if it was Christmas day … time had lost it's meaning to me as there was no day or night in the basement ... just seemed forever.

I was in chains, woke up to find a Christmas tree with lights on in the corner of the room. It was not a big real one, artificial table size with lights and decorations on it and parcels round it, just like the ones I had in childhood. Even the same music from a tape we used to have so I assume it was Derek's doing. The jailers came in with food … turkey and all the trimmings, wine and pudding … had to eat it with them … after we finished they gave me one of the parcels to open."

She held his hand and rested her head against his shoulder, realising his slight reluctance about their own decorations, seeing her need so accepting it, if only he could have said but knew not having any would have hurt him as well, his unsteady voice brought her back to now.

"The …The parcel was … a miniature black coffin box with a message from Derek wishing me a happy journey along with a brochure about the beautiful resting place in Canada … … He knew my history with the mad woman and the coffin, knew the fear it would provoke … it did. … I expected the men to rush me instead they just sat and waited … During my panic I felt the familiar rush of elation, saw funny colours they had drugged the food … … I had been in withdrawal before hand so I knew I was in for a drug fix sometime … just as I knew I had to eat or they would force feed me.

I felt them manhandle me out of the basement; I remember being tied, gagged, feeling cramped, the radio playing round my head. … I suspect that was a trunk of a car but from then things are mixed up … I was kept on the edge of consciousness or awareness most of the time but not enough to move or get help."

John paused for a moment and Meg kept close to him and found it hard to stop herself shivering, remembering his edginess and quietness, he must have felt trapped again because he could not explain it till as he put it 'it hit him'.

When he spoke again his voice was very matter a fact. "I have the impression that people were very close to me, if I could have reached out I could've touched them told them but I couldn't do either. … Heard voices and there were the smells of shops and cafes, perhaps that was when I was fed or stayed overnight I don't actually remember feeling days and nights even in the fuzzy memories. … Some when I was totally enclosed in something dark, padding all around me but not smothering me, … it brought back memories of that mad woman who kept me in the coffin. I remembered clawing my way out the first time and the mad marriage thing she did. I tried to claw my way out again but failed and all the time I could feel vibrations all around me I assume that must have been engines of some kind and there was something over my face possibly an oxygen mask don't know my hands couldn't seem to reach it."

He shivered and she knew he had slipped out of reliving his memories, was back with her no doubt a little surprised that she was beside him and they were in the apartment, but breathing was calm and his voice was steady as he carried on. "Through it all there was the rush and withdrawal of drugs, feeling very scared because of the inability to do anything about it, but also good memories and friendly voices like yours and Casey's … but they were weird as they were mixed up … deep down I knew you were safe and somehow that helped.

Then of course there was the van. After the darkness I was dragged into blinding light … then different smells and noises as things were stacked around me … of course at every twist and turn or bump in the journey there were sounds and vibrations as things around me moved and the fear I could not protect myself if anything happened rippled through me. There was the shock of the crash, being crushed unable to breathe properly, pain … noises I suppose the rescue vehicles ... then hearing a voice … Jack's voice … Then mentally clutching on to it as I could not get passed the barrier of pain or darkness. It was his tone that gave me a feeling of safety and it stayed with me through the terror and vibrations afterwards. … I assume that must have been the helicopter.

His tone turned softer as he finished. "Somewhere in the quieter darkness there came a desperate need to find you to say goodbye, to tell you how sorry I was I could not be with you … and in doing so I saw you and found the strength to live again."

Fleetingly as Meg moved round so she could see his face she wondered how long that insecure feeling would carry on. She knew they mirrored shock, him in his memories and she hearing them for the first time. She would not deny it or lie to him and she knew how much he hated it when his memories came on days when he wanted them to be happy, perhaps this would be the last one as they would have all surfaced.

She gently said though shakily gently knowing Mandy was only a phone call away. "Do you want to talk to Mandy now?"

He shook his head and gently put his hand on hers and said "No … let them have their family gathering they've given up a lot of time for me."

She could understand that they were his safety blanket but sometimes he needed the private space he had lost along with everything else. She felt he needed to know that he should not feel guilty, that he was not alone and they understood this might happen and felt pleased her voice was steadier than before as she said. "John, we knew your brother must have done something around Christmas, so don't feel bad about remembering now. We can tell Jackie and Simon when they come back after lunch and it's up to you whether you want to go tonight, we can have something simple here. They will understand you know that don't you?"

She watched the slow smile surface and knew he was feeling better now the cloud had finally broken, his voice was gentle and had that loving quality she was so used to as he said. "I know … I want to go and you to enjoy yourself. … Now they finally come together I can cope with them, I'll have sometime with Mandy tomorrow." He put a hand gently to her face; his thumb gently wiped away the escaped tear as he carried on. "No doubt there will be some nightmares but you will be beside me to make them easier, you always seem to be picking up the pieces …"

He looked at her with sadness, and she knew he could not feel the deep loving sensation that was rippling through her as he carried on "… and I so wanted to make today special for you only to have the past has hit me again."

She knew he needed reassurance and took his hand gently in hers, and her smile would tell him everything words could not, and then said softly. "Hey, being with you is special … you've been through hell … this is our new beginning and we can make it special from now on by doing what you want to do ... not what you think I or anyone else wants."

She was startled by his sad laugh, though he voice was gentle and loving as he admitted. "I don't know what I want." His hand slipped free from hers with his finger he gently traced the outline of her face then carried on. "No … That's not true what makes you happy will be fine. That's always been my goal because it makes me feel content in a way I've never been before, and our memories and the watch you gave me are special and will always be with me."

As she traced the outline of his watch she smiled and said gently. "Well let's raid the cupboards then watch the video you've given me. I would like to be with the others tonight but only if you think you can cope. No-one expects you to be the belle of the ball and we can leave early."

She did not realise that her radiant smile gave him the grounding he needed his laugh was gentle and teasing as he asked. "I could borrow one of your dresses."

"No way!" She laughed knowing he was all right, the horror of the past was shut away till tomorrow when he would talk to Mandy. She brushed her hand against his cheek then kissed him before getting up. … …

oxoxo

Meg shook her head bringing herself back to the present wondering just how much she could tell her Sara ... she thought for a moment then started.

Hey Sis.

As you can see I'm at the machine. I noticed it took you all day to write it, just as well it was not a phone call!

Glad everyone had a good time and keeping fit; yes I do remember those gatherings and never understood how Mum managed to have all that food on the table. If I'm right we used to take turns in washing up … mountains of the damn stuff … I expect the word was passed on as our friend could never resist good food. Thanks for passing hi's and thanks to friends. (Remember those mad parties we used to have at Surf Central … the mess afterwards!")

Prestons present to Dad sounds fascinating – trust it has bright colours I seem to remember their living room had this yellow and red wallpaper pattern and their chairs were blue. Can't wait to see the photos! Think of the mileage you could get out of them. LOL

And yes our trap has a hood so we can tuck ourselves out of the rain, but the poor driver is stuck in the wet so we wrap him up nice and warm in the old fashion driver's coat and hat. Springs are good too as are the smooth roads or the reinstated bridle path.

Christmas was good after getting old memories out of the way.

We spent the afternoon browsing through the books and presents, thanks again the pictures are amazing! So Mum and Dad are not left out, thank them again ... we both like the presents a lot.

As it was sunny though cold (not the biting wind that has affected John so much) so we took Shep for a walk in the snow. Okay John stayed in the chair and on the path for safety's sake … John's carers were around so we all had snowball fights; John makes an easy target ... so unfair I know!

Just in case you think it was one-sided, John had help in getting snowballs and he is lethal in his aim. The chair is good to hide behind as well, so we all took turns in hiding.

It was also fun watching Shep try and catch the snowballs, it was even funnier when he actually caught one and it collapsed in his mouth, he decided to chase them instead after that. As for John, well so far so good, no ill effects … he must be getting stronger. Guess I'll have to watch what I do, he can move that chair pretty fast when he wants too.

In the evening we managed to go our friends' hotel, so it was family and a few guests who were friends of theirs so it was a very cosy feeling. One of the lounges opens onto the conservatory and has a fantastic view of the valley, which is carpeted in white at the moment, that's were we had our meal rather than the dining room, it was also easier for John. (Dirty wheels and carpet don't go together very well … we have wooden boards in the apartment and good cleaners.) After the meal we had a party … not the jazz type... rather like we used to have at the farm, listening to stories, children played games … We stayed for a short while didn't want to push John too far. (Oops as he was in the chair what could I say, wear him out … then you would get the wrong idea … anyway I guess you know what I mean)

Today has been a very lazy day only doing the very necessary things, which included another walk, but no snowballs this time. Though John has had to carry on his routine regarding therapy and rest, so I listen to music and go through the presents again, doing some more mail (that's when I read yours) and tomorrow it will be back to the old routine for me.

As Christmas meal with friends went well we are all set for another big step for John … okay the big push, as he is only taking small ones with a lot of help and rest … going to the New Year party and stay there till after the New year. … (Party does not start till half eleven but continues till the last one drops … umm that sounds interesting even more so as my boss will be one of the people taking part, so I guess he will not mind if I'm late when we start work again. Fireworks start at quarter too so we might not go till then … they sort of let the old year out with a bang. )

Its family and friends, about fifty in all and the Church hall is big, and I do mean big so we will not feel squashed and I expect they don't turn people away. We will be near the door just in case we need to leave quickly ... John does not do groups of people and rooms easily, but they all know him and his problem, so the stress should not be too bad. He has insisted if he finds he can't cope I'm to go with friends and he'll have a couple bring him back so he will not be alone.

Of course if we enjoy the music I hope they don't mind John doing wheelies around the dance floor … guess we will have to clear the floor before he starts.

So be in touch by email … might not be till late, I'll not say which day either … I would like some time to sleep in.

I know you will up with the twins … glad to know they are fine and letting you know they are around and growing.

We are having the upstairs rooms done late January or February depending on weather, so our peace and quiet will be gone for a while!

Will send you information about the gifts similar to Mum's a bit later, have to do some hunting to find the bits and pieces

Thanks for photos give everyone our love and hugs.

Meg

Meg smiled as she sent the mail off, their day had been lazy and ever since John's quality time with Mandy in the afternoon, she had felt a new quieter confidence in him and knew it would grow. Yesterday they had finally shut the door on the past and today, the new one was opening and would do so slowly but it felt good.

She stretched and got up and smiled as she looked over at John, who was pretending to fight Shep for the new toy bone he had for Christmas, Robert's mail would just have to wait till tomorrow and called across. "If you're that hungry John I can ask the kitchen if they have any leftovers."

John stopped to look at her and Shep took his opportunity and got his bone and ran to his place in front of the fire. Then lay down with the bone in his paws, panting and a challenge in his eyes as he watched them both, but his tail wagging madly.

John looked at Shep then at Meg and conceded. "Umm cake would be better … but I'll get it."

She smiled at him knowingly as he got up and found the crutches, he smiled and added. "Okay I'll get it out and you can carry it otherwise Shep will have it I know. … One of these days I will be able to walk and talk and carry, then you will have to watch yourself young lady."

Meg laughed and he said with a questioning look. "Come on then what did Sara have to say or can I read the print out, though I dread to think what you wrote back."

She ignored him and went over to the kitchen area, John chuckled and took the hint and concentrated on walking properly, she would tell him as they sat and ate.