Chapter 43
Thinking it all through Meg was not too sure whether John's nerves were because of the visit to the specialist today or Robert's visit in a couple of days' time. Either way she could have quite happily strangled him this morning and knew she was not the only one, which gave her some comfort.
Other mornings there had been 'that' quietness to his moods and when she'd asked him about it he said he was okay just a little unsettled by the computer club and would get over in time. So she'd left it knowing he needed his independence and his moods were always gone by the time she returned from Tony's. As for his nights they had been quieter, till last night when he had tossed and turned in and out of bad dreams rather than one straight nightmare. When he woke up he was sullen and snappy and nothing she could do was right, but then again nothing he did was right either, nor Jackie and Simon when they came in come to that. So Jackie had immediately brought in the big gun, Jack, who'd had managed to make him see that he had to take things slowly and nothing complicated so definitely no walking.
Of course his extreme mood had unsettled her, but once at work Tony and her friends helped to settle her down. Even so, as she worked she could not help checking the clock and wondering what the drive to the hospital was like … and then if the hospital was still standing. Eventually she knew she could not do anything about it so huffed to herself and got on with her work and enjoyed the day.
Now, waiting for him to return the nerves kicked in again and she'd no one to talk to as Simon and Jackie had taken advantage of the situation to do jobs away from the apartment. She silently huffed to herself "They'd most probably done it to recover from his moodiness and be ready for any bad new if it came." Being on her own and not having them around felt strange … granted she had Shep with her but he was sleeping on his rug and couldn't answer her questions...
Her attention was caught by movement outside and she saw Sandy and the trap go by and resisted the temptation to get up and run to the door and go to the stables. Instead she decided she'd get drinks ready after all if John didn't want one Jack would, and the others would no doubt come in a couple of minutes as their radar was most probably already twitching.
As soon as Meg had looked towards the window Shep had sat up alert now as she walked over to the counter he padded out to the passageway and stood, tail wagging watching the door. When the door started opening he gave a welcoming bark and charged for it coming to an abrupt halt at the edge of the matted area and waited.
Meg finished what she was doing unconsciously waiting for the crash as charging dog and whoever was coming in met … but it never happened, never would as she knew Shep had got it of to a fine art, which could scare anyone watching for the first time.
As dog and Master greeted each other, Meg looked over and saw John had a bunch of red roses lying across his lap and that Shep was being content with just a quiet welcome. She walked over to John smiling at his gift and noted with relief his posture showed a good mood and said gently as Shep moved out the way. "Good news then?" John's eyes met hers and she continued as he lifted up the roses to her. "They are beautiful thank you"
She didn't need words so leant a little forward so they could kiss. … It was a quick, light butterfly kiss, but loving all the same … both knew they had things to do before they talked.
Meg took the roses over to the counter and found a vase to put them in and then put them on the dinning table guessing the table in the lounge area would get full as people came in. She then got their drinks and walked over to the sofas so they could have them as they sat and talked.
John in the meantime had sent Shep to his rug and got out of the chair using the crutches and walked over to the sofa and sat down before answering her question. "Yes. The specialist reckons I will get less tangled as time goes on, but it will take time. And I can start using one stick around the apartment if I feel confident but to use the chair and crutches outside." He gave a smile as he added. "Also I can start learning to drive the carriage."
"Heaven help us all!" Jack exclaimed putting a couple of bags and files on the dinning table, collected a cup of tea from the counter and came over to join them.
Meg laughed at his words and expression and said. "He was a good driver before you know."
Jack deliberately kept a serious expression and tone as he carried on, hoping John would take note. "I dare say, but don't forget that was a car, a horse and trap is different. Even Sandy would have bolted to goodness knows where if he'd been driving in the mood he was this morning! And he's missed out the bit about not doing it all at once, and to do it slowly."
"Hey! I was not that bad." John exclaimed then hesitated looking at both of them and seeing their expressions added softly, "Oh! … I was that bad?"
Meg smothered the urge to smile and nodded noticing Jack did the same. Jack kept silent knowing this was between the two of them even though he'd come in as referee, which should have alerted John as to how bad he was, but obviously hadn't.
John sighed, thinking back to the morning and the day then admitted. "Tension and I hate the rooms even the waiting room they empty is too small." He looked at her knowing his words could not really explain the feeling he'd been having and said. "Sorry ... to both of you." He'd asked Jack to get the flowers as a celebration now he hoped she took them as an apology as well.
Meg watched him realising he really hadn't known just how bad things had been and now he did he felt doubly guilty. She saw Jack's nod of acceptance and knowing John's need for reassurance she put her hand on his giving him a nod and smile she knew he'd understand. She also knew he would apologies to Jackie and Simon later.
John nodded accepting her unspoken forgiveness and as he gently caressed her hand he kept eye contact with her and thought about what he had to tell her.
Meg was surprised to see a flicker of sadness flash across them and her nerves went on alert as she heard that sadness in his voice as he said. "I asked about being there when you have our baby. … He doesn't think I will manage it. … Their rooms are upstairs and too small, along with the tension and the noise of the equipment he thinks I will flip out in a big way."
She kept silent understanding his sadness and shared it; he'd wanted to be there with her and let him carry on hoping they'd found a compromise somehow.
"We pondered the idea of my staying in the car park if Mandy's brother and the specialist were with me. But he pointed out that might be difficult as no one will know the exact time of birth till it happens. So I will most probably have stay here and have Mandy's brother over, which means we will have to make sure either Mandy or your mother is with you, because need someone with you. The specialist suggested home birth but your doctor needs home history for that and even if we got more equipment here and the helicopter stood by there is still a risk to you and the baby." He gave a gentle huff not waiting to think of the rest then and tried a smile and continued. "On the other hand they are more used to home births here than in the city so should be able to cover eventualities and the choice will be yours and the doctors."
She understood his fears that they could lose so much after coming so far, and he never trusted things to go right anymore. But that could be dealt with later for now he needed reassurance that she could deal with it. She let her hand brush his and said gently. "It's okay we will work it out there's plenty of time. I can get more information from Mum and Sara without causing them concern and there is always the possibility they will be here anyway. If the baby comes early and they are not then Mandy or Jackie will be here for me. Now what about the riding."
She watched his smile brighten with anticipation reminding her of a child suddenly seeing something they had wanted might actually be within reach and heard the sadness leave his voice as he answered her. "Right … this applies to everything … I'll have to be supervised in case I zone out, but after I've been clear for three months I can go solo. So I'll have to have someone with me when I'm walking in the street obviously but when I'm here it can be like I was in the chair on good days with Shep being extra eyes and calling system."
He hesitated seeing Meg's puzzled expression then went on. "I can't expect Jackie to baby-sit me now I'm mobile so she's looking for part time work and I'll fall in with her schedule, Simon deserves to run the stable and you need your freedom during the day."
She nodded understanding that the last thing he wanted was her to nanny him, though she would willingly if the need arose and wondered why he hesitated giving her a slightly guilty look, which made her heart race with love rather than trepidation.
John gave a gentle sigh and then admitted. "You know I've not been too happy at the Club … still get whispers in my mind and I cease up completely when trying to walk no matter what we do. So I've decided I'll just be a financial partner and Terry can run it, he'll find someone to do my and Jackie's job and possibly hire students in the summer if needs be."
Thinking that was a good idea and reckoning he might work from the apartment she nodded and let him carry on, guessing he'd come to the point he thought she might not like too much soon enough.
"I'm going to move my office into the back of the Hardware Store, its all part of the stable complex I put some money in when I was spreading it around. Jim wants to do less so I thought I could deal with the books and see how we can modernize it. … I'll ride Sandy to the stable rather than taking the trap, Simon or Stephen can escort me there and home, Jim will be around serving in the shop so can monitor me from there. His son is interested in the stables rather than the shop but will swap between them depending on trade which means he'll be able to take care of Sandy and we can always get other assistants as the stable complex is developed." He added cheekily. "Of course if your father wanted to join the venture he'd be more than welcome."
That made her smile.
He went serious and slightly hesitant. "Simon and Stephen are developing the riding school and the trails … I thought as I get stronger and more mobile I might help them out … do some of the easy ones, act as a helper this year and move up the job next year." He stopped knowing his feeling of guilt and apology showed and not looking away from her waited.
Meg felt the full range of emotions from anger to understanding run through her as she realised these were plans rather than ideas and he'd said nothing to her!
John could understand her anger about being left out and hoping to make her understand before she blew up, gave half a smile and said in a soft gentle voice. "If the specialists had said no to my ideas then I would have let them rest. Just come back and sorted out how to work from home or at the stables if that idea was workable. Do develop management projects to keep me busy and find someone to act as a helper for me, and our baby when the time came. That would mean we could enjoy family life and you could still have some independence.
Jackie and Simon deserve to have their future as well. Either option is a huge improvement for me … I didn't want you to have the disappointment you would have felt on my behalf. …I know there is still a big if in all I've said and I accept it.
I want to make sure we have time together … quality time … there will be days or part of days off. … I know I can never work as much as I used to … don't think I want to … you, life and our baby are too precious. But I want you to be able to have the freedom to do your own thing ... we both know that essential.
I think I'm better around animals, outside and away from town. As much as I feel safe here I don't want to work and live in this apartment, I want to feel I can come and go. The room at the rear of the Hardware shop is large and open, looks out onto the paddock and stables and is relatively quiet. The room needs clearing out which should not take too long, office equipment is on order so I can move in by the end of the month. … Sorry I should have mentioned it … but nothing is set in stone you know that." He added with a slight smile.
She looked at him as she rubbed her hand against his cheek and felt him move against it, like a cat asking to be smoothed again; she was amazed, he must have been churning this over in his mind so no wonder he had been moody and slightly sad. He was still 'a loner' in not wanting to come out with the idea till it was complete, didn't like to mull ideas over in 'public'. She moved her hand away but kissed his cheek so he would understand she was not really cross with him.
She shifted so they could see each other comfortably and with a serious expression said gently. "Forgiven, this time … when we were together in Sunset Beach you were only just starting to be less self-contained … so I guess can't really expect you to be any less now. But, it would have been nice to have known what you were thinking … had the disappointment together if necessary. … After all, we talk about my ideas and plans for coming weeks so why not your future." She smiled as she continued. "In any case they sound great. These riding trips will they be for just a day or longer sort of sleep over in cabins?"
John looked at her for a moment still feeling the warmth of the kiss, taking in all that the smile meant and gave her a nod with a slow smile.
Seeing the slow smile Meg knew he'd taken the point to heart and might possibly work on it, hopefully and was surprised by his very gentle laugh as he carried on. "It will just be the odd hour; at the most part of a day, nothing more … you don't get rid of me that easily.
Money wise, our investments are good, no doubt ideas will come along that could provide extra income. The apartment is ours and we have the hotel for food so we'll not starve. Your work will slow down as the months go on and I will still be making slow progress so we will have plenty of time together."
Meg put in gently "Like we said at Christmas you do want makes you feel comfortable and we make our own memories this year. I'm happy to work when I need to either in town or from the apartment that will give us space as well. So, we've got to make sure you don't zone out as you do things which means taking it slow no rushing … no deadlines." He nodded and she realised he had already accepted that so asked. "If you go on rides with holidaymakers what about photos … that is assuming Simon will have you of course!" she added with a cheeky smile.
He gave a gentle laugh "Oh he will … I'm the boss." Then added seriously seeing Jack's silent reaction reminding him he was only half the boss. "I hope he will … if he doesn't or if I start zoning out while riding then I'll keep to financial work and just go for the odd ride with him.
Perhaps by getting away from the club the flashbacks, whispers and even the zoning out will stop. Though going to shops etc will take more time and may never happen but we will cope with that and you will still have your girls out no matter what happens. As for photos, well I'll be wearing my glasses as I do now but could change them to full sunglasses, riding cap or possibly a baseball cap. But I'll try and keep out of them as much as possible."
There was a knock on the apartment door, which Jack automatically got up to open, as he got there it was swinging open, he chuckled as he said, "Hi Sweetheart bush radar is working well today! Where's Jackie?"
"Never knew you cared Jack!" Simon exclaimed with a laugh ducking out of the way and into view of the others.
Jack didn't bother answering he was hugging Mandy who explained when he let her go and they both walked back to the lounge area. "As you're in one piece I guess its good news." She carried on looking straight at John with a smile. "She's with a new patient a young girl, who is polite, which makes a change from someone I know."
John looked straight back at her without batting an eyelid.
Meg got up to get some more drinks she loved the banter between them, and could not resist. "You mean that pain in the..."
"Hey! Meg that is soo unfair I hate hospitals and they know it!" John chipped in; Mandy gave a chuckle as she helped Meg sort out the drinks.
Simon looked at John as he sat on the empty sofa. "So you are going ahead then on both accounts?"
"Did you know about this?" Meg asked handing Simon a drink.
Simon took it and didn't hesitate telling her the truth. "Well he mentioned he liked riding and might want to come out on some rides so I told him to check with the Specialist first … I was the one who thought if he could ride he might be able to drive." He looked at John putting two and two together and sighed. "I guess I've got my work cut out when the snow goes but we can do some groundwork in the school barn possibly the paddock as well if you like. You know trot round instead of walking." then added looking from John to Jack then back to John. "Okaay what else should I know."
John gave a chuckle. "Your new part time learner may want to progress onto a helper for the easy rides if all goes well."
Thinking it through Simon nodded and grinned then exclaimed. "That's cool; we'll get all the beautiful women on horse back ... Hey, only kidding Meg honest! … … So we will take it really slow …months to work things out. You know I like to have extra back up when we are riding and we can juggle things around with Stephen and the others."
Jack chipped in seeing ideas could get out of hand. "He'll need to be supervised all the time; we'll use Shep to help free you up during the day. There must be at least 3 months clear of zoning before he can go solo walking, riding and driving. That is when he's mastered the art not including the learning period. He's handing the computer club over to Terry and moving to the back of the Hardware store and stables so he can move that complex on. That will free Jackie, though he still has a lot of therapy work to do yet. He's to use crutches if he ever walks outside but when he is totally relaxed he can start using a stick round the apartment and I assume that means the garden area as well."
"Of course it's all going to take time as he's not done much riding or walking yet." Meg reminded them.
"You know … I'm still here and can talk for myself." John said quietly but pointedly.
Mandy and Simon grinned knowing Jack was like an anxious Dad where he was concerned.
"Just saving you the trouble of repeating it all." Jack said innocently then became serious. "Meg has a point you've got to get around in the hotel grounds first so everything has to go slow and you can back off at anytime. Meg is still working, baby's not due till June, hotel is doing well and you're still attracting money with your ideas and stocks."
"Yeah Okay 'Dad' thanks for the pep talk and I know you will not let us starve … so can we three discuss possible ways and means." John smiled at Jack who grinned and nodded.
Leaving the men to it for the moment Mandy sat down beside Meg and asked quietly "How are you about all this. "
Meg smiled "Relieved but like Jack with reservations … I knew he's been troubled by the Club but I did not know he had been churning these ideas around. No wonder he was moody this morning I don't suppose he talked to you about his ideas?" Mandy shook her head and Meg could see she was not lying and added. "He asked about the birth and found out he will not be able to be there the Specialist was worried about him flipping out because of the tensions and equipment in the room, he wondered about being in the car park but that was squashed. I thought the specialist just dealt with backs etc not the rest of it."
Mandy smiled. "He does, but I asked a friend of mine to attend as well. He knows about John's problem and has done some research into the other cases through out the country. They all had different starting points, male and female, different ages and out comes or progress, some good some bad. There seem to be two things that stay the same you don't push too hard and we learn to live within the restrictions. Like the others, we are all learning as we go along, as far as we can tell he's been doing very well indeed." Seeing her worried expression she reassured Meg. "Don't worry my friend knows John's privacy is paramount and rest assured regarding the birth Jackie or I would love to be there if you want us and we will not fight over it I promise. I think my brother, Paul and Simon might want to cope with John back here rather than have him pacing the cleared hospital car park."
Meg laughed remembering Mandy's other comments about John and the hospital as well as his admission earlier and said. "Yes please but I think he's hoping Mum will be able to come. The Specialist also mentioned homebirths but that could bring other problems but as you say we've got time to consider things. I think I would like you or Jackie to come with me when I have my scan if you don't mind.
Mandy smiled and gave a gentle. "Of course, tell us when and we can decide who. Don't forget you can show him the video or picture, and we'll go with you to any other appointments as well. … Of course being a doctor I'll keep an eye on you as well."
Meg smiled and nodded, remembering John's comment a couple of days ago and carried on. "He seems a bit easier about getting everyone here, I suppose as I show more it's going to be more important to him. I keep worrying something will go wrong after all I've had no morning sickness just a craving for these sweets."
Mandy nodded having heard those fears from other mums. "Should not worry plenty of first time mums just sail through it, some only realise they are pregnant when the baby drops out. We know we have to watch you because of your sister's history but she had a good birth in the end and it could have been having twins caused the problem at the beginning. Your mum and sister will expect questions to be asked so don't worry about that; they might suggest sending on the paperwork if not you can ask. So what about work?"
Meg pondered that idea and then said. "I'm at Tony's till end of February then I've got one more job lined up which is part time, not too sure how long it will be for. There is always the research job and the hours are flexible, Paul's work I can do at home with the odd trip down to the office or as he said he would come here and visit, which would please John. … No doubt Val will come so little work would be done, mind you she's got the wedding to plan. We've decided to take things as they come even take the year off if necessary."
"Good … Isn't Mat coming for the wedding?"
"Yes it will be good to see him again mind you he's going to be best man so anything can happen."
Mandy chuckled and looked at her watch. "Look we will push off now the men have an idea what's going to happen. I think I need a session with John preferably over the next couple of days so if you get him to ring me later to book a time. … Of course he won't fully unwind till Robert's been and gone." She gave a gentle laugh and added. "You never know if you find a nice roomy quiet restaurant you might get that meal out you've been dreaming about."
Meg smiled remembering their talks together.
The door to the apartment opened and Jackie walked in with a smile and asked. "Hi guys did I miss much."
Simon looked up and called out "Not much … only we'll be getting a new part time worker come rider some when in the future. How did your interview go?"
She looked at all their reactions, worked it out and exclaimed. "Great! … Jancy is 10 and will need therapy for a couple of hours a day to start off and with more later as she progresses. So, I guess you're giving me the sack then John."
Jack piped up "No not yet he …"
Was cut off with a sharp sarcastic "Dad … I can talk for myself thank you!" from John who then looked over to Mandy saying. "Take him home please!"
The others laughed and Jack came back "Hey watch it if you want driving lessons."
Jackie sighed "Oh no!"
"Yes trotting and walking with a stick only..."
"Jack! Home!" Mandy cut in sharply just beating John and Simon to it.
"Okaay I'm going!" Jack added with a smile as Mandy had got up and walked over to him, he looked at Jackie and added. "Things are on the table including the stick."
John shook his head but smiled, knowing Jack was just happy that everything was going to be all right and watched them go. Jackie grabbed the files while Meg got her a drink and brought the plate of cakes over then they settled on the sofa ready for a session.
"So John we are in for change again." Jackie said with a knowing smile.
He smiled "Yes can ride properly in the school and possibly the paddock if Simon says its okay and as you can see I now have a stick to chase you with. … So Jancy is a lovely 10 year old?"
Jackie laughed understanding his gentle teasing tone and accepted things would move a bit quicker now. "Yes she is."
John nodded and took a deep breath and said. "Good then perhaps she might be able to join other handicapped kids when I eventually go riding along the safe paths." They all looked at him and he carried on. "I'm going to need an escort either riding or on foot so rather than just ride with the learners I could ride with others who need escorts on foot … it would give them good therapy and a chance of something different. We can arrange a deal with a charity or hospital and perhaps if it works out could turn the part of the lodge or cabin over for short breaks then the carers could go into the mountains while their charges go on a ride. I don't know needs tossing around a bit."
He looked at them wondering if he'd made his idea clear, they all looked astonished, Jackie nodded finding her voice exclaimed. "Wow that's a great idea how long have you thought that?"
John looked at Meg and gave a chuckle and admitted. "On the ride back from the hospital and here now, I expect it was brought on by my chat with the specialists. I enjoy riding because it was easier than walking and it gives me a sense of being in control rather than being controlled, even if Simon is at Sandy's head making sure everything is all right. When I'm in the chair I have to look up at everything and can't make contact as we talk, you're behind me either pushing or walking as its difficult walking side by side. On a horse you get a better view and the person leading can look and talk … much nicer."
Meg smiled realising he had really taken her words on board and this was the result, thoughts and feelings, she saw Simon's expression and knew this was new for him as well he weighed up John's idea, she saw a nod and then he looked across to Jackie.
Jackie nodded her unspoken agreement, wondering what had brought on this change in John and voiced her thoughts. "We can check with Mum and local charities see what price they can afford, the horses should be okay. I think Jancy might be able to take part in the spring depending upon her progress of course, but I can put the idea forward give her something to aim for. She's very bright and wicked sense of humour …"