Seattle – 1994 – Summer Love, part I
I swallowed hard as I hit the silence button on my phone once again. I was honestly ready to throw it across the room, and I wasn't even really sure why. A month ago, we had been declaring our love for one another in her bed. And now, now I couldn't even bear to talk to her.
Did I still love her? Not even a question, of course I did. So much. But we were leaving soon, really soon. As in a month from now, we would be moving on to new schools, new cities, new lives, and I was so afraid that her new life wouldn't include me. That thought was more than I could handle, her moving to Boston and falling in love with someone else. I wouldn't make it through that phone call, hearing her sweet voice tell me that she had met Luke or John or Jack, and he completed her, but that we would always be friends. I couldn't let that happen, and worse yet, I was afraid to actually talk to her, so I did the only thing I could think of and walked downstairs to the computer.
Once I logged on and opened my email, I was surprised to find one from Meredith.
Hey Derek,
I just wanted to check on you and make sure everything was ok. I thought we were supposed to go out tonite, but you're not answering your phone. Anyway, please call me, or email me to let me know that you're ok.
Love, Mer
I once again swallowed hard at the end of her email. Distancing myself from her was going to be harder than I thought.
Mer,
Sorry about tonight and not answering my phone. I've been thinking a lot today, and I'm not sure that it's a good idea for you and I to date any more. I will always love you, but I think we will be better off as friends.
Derek
Clicking the send button on that was probably the hardest thing I had ever had to do, but I knew it had to be done. It was only a few seconds before I had a reply.
Did something happen? Did I do something? It has to be something we can work through, right.
My heart broke for her and my hands shook as I typed a reply.
We only have a month left of summer. And then we're moving, to new cities, new schools, and new lives.
And this new life won't include me?
It's not that Meredith. I want my life always to include you. My fear is that we are moving to different cities and we won't be able to have a relationship that way.
There's email, we seem to be talking a lot over that right now. And the phone. And breaks. We can at least try it. What we have is special and I'm not ready to lose that due to geography.
I took a deep breath, and was getting ready to respond when my mom came up behind me. "It's getting late, Derek, you need to sign off and go to bed."
"Can I send one more email?"
"No, if I wanted you to send one more email, I would have said, 'Derek, you need to send one more email, sign off, and go to bed.'"
At that point, I knew there was no point in arguing. When mom meant business, she meant business. "Yes, mom," I grumbled as I signed off.
GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA"Derek!" I heard Kathleen yell from the bottom of the stairs, "your date is here."
"She is not my date," I said to no one in particular as I made my way down the stairs to where Kathleen stood with her boyfriend, Patrick, and his younger sister Megan.
"Hi Derek," said Megan, who immediately grabbed my hand and held on for dear life.
"Hi Megan," I said politely, while shooting daggers at Kathleen. This is the last time I do a favor for her.
GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAFinally, I think to myself as I pull into Meredith's driveway. I've missed her so much over the past few weeks. First I was on vacation, then Ellis hauled her off to some medical conference in New York, and then I went to visit my uncle. But finally, I'm back, just in time to surprise her for her birthday.
As I knock on the door, I can already hear the party in full swing. Mark opens the door to let me in, Jess not too far behind him.
"Oh. You're here." He says, closing the door behind me as Jess walks back towards the kitchen.
"I'm here." I tell him, eyeing him strangely. "It's Meredith's birthday. Where else would I be?"
"Exactly my question." He tells me before walking toward the kitchen as I follow, unable to disregard how strange everyone is treating me.
"Mer," I hear from the kitchen, "it's your party, and you can cry if you want to, but the birthday girl should never cry on her birthday."
"Thanks, Em," I hear Mer's soft reply.
Meredith was crying? Why on earth was she crying on her birthday? "Hi Mer," I said as I walked through the door to the kitchen taking her in for the first time. She was gorgeous. Her hair was curled and fell loosely around her shoulders and she wore dark jeans with a green tank top that was highlighting her curves perfectly.
"Hi Derek," she said, her voice void of any emotion. I moved to hand her the gift I had brought for her, but she motioned to the counter. "You can leave it there for now." She said, before turning to one of the girls from her track team. "Want to move this to the deck?" she asked.
"Sure," the girl replied. The two of them moved to get up and everyone else followed.
"What happened? Why do I get the feeling that she hates me?" I asked, pulling Jess aside.
Jess looked at me with the coldest look I had ever been given, despite growing up with four sisters. "Well, someone was nice enough to tell her about you and Megan? Was that her name?"
"What…I…"
"Don't tell me," she said, "It's not my heart that's broken or my birthday for that matter." She told me as she began to walk away.
"Jess, wait," I told her, grabbing her arm. "I love Mer, and I would never do anything to intentionally hurt her."
"Again, I'm not the one you should be talking to. But, for the record, if you wanted to break up with her, you should have made sure that she knew that, especially if you want to date someone else. Yes, she told me about the emails and Emily was nice enough to share your little date with Megan with her. She was really excited to see you before that." She finished, this time walking completely away from me.
Shit. Was all I could think. I had put up a wall to keep myself from getting hurt, and done what I thought was best for both of us, never did I even think that I would end up hurting her in the process.
As I made my way out on to the deck, I wondered what I was going to do to fix this. Moreover, I wondered if there was anything I could do to fix this. All night, I kept stealing glances at Meredith, barely able to stand how hurt she looked. All I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and promise never to hurt her again.
The night wore on, and soon it was only Jess and I left at the house. I really wanted to make things right, but Meredith still looked ready to cry and Jess looked nervous with the awkward situation.
"I'm…I'm going to take off," I told the girls. "Jess, I'm sure I'll see you and Mark sometime this week." Jess silently nodded her head. "Happy Birthday Mer," I said, trying to wrap her in a hug.
"No," she said, and I pulled back in shock. "Just…just not right now, ok?"
I swallowed hard, "Ok, Mer." I said, "I'll call you this week." Still looking like she was about to cry, she nodded her head.
Figuring out how to fix this was the only thing on my mind as I drove home. I thought I wouldn't be able to take it if the distance wore us apart, but having my own stupidity end us, that was unbearable.
The house was eerily quiet as I crept back in. I was thankful that the other five members of my family had decided to leave for the weekend. Knowing it was far too late to call Meredith, I made a bee-line for the computer and turned it on. I could only hope that she would be checking her email.
Meredith,
Words cannot express how sorry I am about everything. I never meant to hurt you. I was only trying to do what was best for both of us and all I succeeded in doing was hurting you. And I never wanted to do that. I love you so much Meredith. I will do anything to fix this, I'm just not sure what that something is, or that you want to fix this. But know that I love you.
Derek
I held my breath as I clicked the send button and for what felt like an eternity after words, until an email from Meredith appeared in my inbox.
Derek,
I love you too. But…but I'm so confused. I didn't realize that the emails meant it was over. You brought me a gift, you kissed me, you talked to me, why would you do that if we were over?
Because I love you. I thought I could distance myself from you, but I can't. I love you more than anything, Meredith.
Then why would you go out with another girl?!
Because I was confused. I didn't know where we stood…and I was mopey. According to Kathleen. So she dragged me on a double date with her boyfriend and his little sister. It meant nothing. You mean everything.
Hmmm….Derek mopey. Tell Kathleen I'm going to kick her ass.
I could practically see her smile and hear her laugh as she wrote that, and it felt good to know that she was cheering up, even if I didn't know where we stood.
Duly noted. But Mer, seriously, I love you. Only you. You mean everything.
I love you too Derek. Can we do something tomorrow? Just us?
Of course we can. It's 12:01 here, happy birthday Meredith. And someone is at the door.
Thank you. Who's at the door?
Addison and her flavor of the week. She's totally smashed. Not that I'm sober, but I can carry on a coherent conversation.
Addison is at your house? What is she doing there? I thought she was going to Canada?
I wish she was in Canada. I'm going to go…deal with this. I love you Mer, happy birthday.