A/N:
Darkmatter: You're running outta seam…
Me: So tell me something I DON'T know.
Anyways, The BLoST episode "Tag Team" is my personal favorite. It's freaking hilarious, plus you get to see Darkmatter with his shirt off…but I have this weird feeling that a shirtless cartoon character shouldn't be turning me on. Then again, I have this thing for beaten up yellow Ford Mustangs…moving on.
The room was dark. Pretty damn dark. A soft beeping noise repeated on a loop in the corner of the room. Shapeless shadows crawled up the walls.
"What the hell?" Darkmatter sat up suddenly. His head was spinning. The beeping grew louder. Darkmatter looked around and realized that he was not in his bed. He was, however, in his mansion. He was lying on the couch in his living room, wearing only his boxer shorts and a T-shirt. His space suit was draped over the arm of the couch. In addition, Darkmatter's leg was no longer causing him horrific amounts of pain. It stung a little, but the throbbing had stopped completely. Even without a source of light, Darkmatter could make out a single white band encircling his thigh. The beeping suddenly reached its peak, and a shower of flashing lights filled the room.
"Ow…epilepsy," Darkmatter moaned, staggering to his feet.
"Get up, Darkmatter, you're going to be late for work!" a mechanical voice screeched. It was his alarm clock. It was his fucking alarm clock. Darkmatter crossed the room and kicked the machine emitting the noise. The lights and sound stopped immediately. What Darkmatter's mother had been thinking when she bought the thing, Darkmatter had never understood. But he had to admit, it always woke him up at precisely six o'clock Planet Z Time every morning. Having defeated his opponent, Darkmatter sat on the floor and tried remember what had happened the day before. His mind was littered with Trade World, lightning, and Howl's laughter, with a little of Zurg shouting and a lot of pain thrown in for good measure.
After a few minutes, Darkmatter managed to piece together what he'd done from when he woke up to when he'd left for sickbay. Beyond that, there was nothing. Not that he cared much. Darkmatter decided to take the day off, lounge around by the pool, and explain himself to Zurg tomorrow.
Within five minutes, Darkmatter had rounded up a few of his working slaves and managed to get a cigarette and a cup of coffee. He retrieved a pair of shorts from under the dining room table and headed for the pool.
Two hours later, Darkmatter was on his fourth cigarette and his second cup of coffee, and he still couldn't remember what had happened after he left Zurg's chamber room. Howl's laughter still rang in his head. The pool water reflected the meteor shower overhead. The meteors looked a bit like glowing fish, swimming through a liquid sky.
Darkmatter's hottest and most capable working slave was lying on the diving board, trailing her fingers through the stars.
"Jovia." Darkmatter pointed at her with his cigarette.
"Sir?" Jovia sat up and crossed her legs, carelessly flashing her panties as she did so.
"When did I get in last night?" Darkmatter asked. Jovia shrugged.
"I'm not sure; I was asleep, sir. We all were."
"Did you hear me come inside?" Darkmatter drained the last of his coffee. Jovia nodded.
"I suppose it was around two in the morning."
"Two in the…" Darkmatter shook his head. "What else did you hear?"
"Nothing after that, sir." Jovia said, flicking her blonde hair. "I'm sorry I can't be more helpful."
"Whatever." Darkmatter crushed out his last cigarette on his metal arm. "Go get me a new pack, would you?"
"Yes, sir." Jovia slid off the diving board in a very sexy way and started towards the mansion. She paused by Darkmatter's chair and slid her fingers across his neck.
"Knock it off, Jovia," Darkmatter growled. "I don't want a blowjob right now, okay?"
"But my rent's coming up, sir," Jovia whined, working her hand through Darkmatter's hair. "If you could just-"
"Not right now!" Darkmatter barked. "Cigarettes, dammit!" Jovia shrugged and continued walking. After a moment, she stopped and shot Darkmatter a coy look. "May I speak freely, sir?"
"Uh," Darkmatter faltered. "Yeah."
"You smoke too much." Jovia tossed her hair over her shoulder and started off again.
"Oh I'm sorry," Darkmatter called after her, "you must've dialed 1-800-I-don't-give a crap! Please make an appointment with the receptionist on your way out." Jovia did not respond. Darkmatter made a mental note to stop letting her blow him so often; she had been far too bold lately. A loud, commanding voice snapped Darkmatter back to reality.
"Darkmatter!"
"AGH!" Darkmatter nearly fell off his chair in surprise. He looked around frantically for a second before realizing that Zurg was on his com link.
"Are you hung over again?" The emperor asked.
"No, Evil Emperor," Darkmatter said, giving himself a shake.
"Then where the hell are you?" Zurg demanded.
"I'm…taking the day off," Darkmatter said carefully. "After last night-"
"Last night, nothing!" Zurg's eyes glowed. "You're fine!"
"Am I?" Darkmatter glanced down at his leg. It seemed normal enough.
"What?"
"Fine."
"Yes, yes, of course you are!" Zurg shook his head as if he were talking to a Tangean grounder. "Weren't you there?"
"Well…" Darkmatter paused. "Not entirely." Comprehension dawned on Zurg's oh-so-evil face.
"How much do you remember?" he asked slowly.
"I remember you telling me to go to sickbay before I dripped all over the tile," Darkmatter said. "And then I woke up on my couch this morning." He prodded his leg. It throbbed for a moment, and then the pain subsided. "Did I seem conscious while your lackeys were treating me?"
"Conscious?" Zurg scoffed. "You were threatening to shoot the place up if you didn't get a cigarette and a cup of coffee within five minutes."
"Weird." Darkmatter rubbed his temples. "Did anybody find out what Howl nailed me with?"
"No," Zurg said. "They couldn't identify the venom, so they treated it like a neurotoxin."
"Any lasting effects?"
"Well, I didn't think so." Zurg sighed for perhaps the millionth time since he'd brought Darkmatter on. "I'll have someone run a few more tests on the sample we obtained."
"Sample?" Darkmatter repeated. "From Howl?"
"No, from my Great Uncle Mercury!" Zurg shouted.
"It was just a question," Darkmatter muttered. "What did you do with Howl, Sir?"
"None of your beeswax!" Zurg tapped the screen. "Just come in tomorrow, all right? Staff meeting."
"Right." Darkmatter poked at his leg again. "That really, really, really hurt."
"So cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get over it!" Zurg sneered. The connection broke off, and Darkmatter was left staring at a blank screen.
"Cry me a river," he said, flexing his metal arm. "You have no idea."