Chapter Six

The Final Goodbye

"I used to be scared of

Letting someone in,

But it gets so lonely

Being on my own.

With no one to talk to,

And no one to hold me,

I'm not always strong,

Oh, I need you here.

Are you listening?"

--Hear Me (Kelly Clarkson)

Harry woke up that morning feeling lethargic and empty. His morning passed him by in a slow blur, and he hardly remembered anything that had happened before noon, when Hermione stopped by for a visit. Upon seeing him, she had immediately decided to stay, but now all Harry really wanted was to sink into oblivion and never open his eyes again.

Hermione offered him all the support that could be expected of a close friend, but no matter what she tried, nothing could seem to pull him back into reality. He refused to eat, even when Hermione offered to make his favourite dish. He didn't even bother to talk unless asked a direct question.

Hermione watched on, helplessly, as Harry sank further into his depression. She could tell that he needed some form of help, but she just couldn't figure out what she could possibly do for him. It was with a heavy heart that she reluctantly returned to her family that night.

Harry was thankful that Hermione was finally gone. After showing her to the door, he resumed his slumped position on the sofa, closing his eyes and willing away the assault of pain that he was bombarded by, on both the physical and emotional levels.

Maybe he really had no hope of ever being together with Draco again. With defeat, Harry took a deep breath as another dagger ripped its way through his heart, and he clenched his eyes tightly shut to will away the tears that this realisation brought on.

He had done enough crying over this. He just wanted it to be over, now. Why couldn't he just move on with his life? It was obvious that Draco had. He had probably had multiple lovers by now; had perhaps even settled down with someone, was now leading a comfortable life, and no longer wished to think of the past life that he had once shared with Harry.

Things that Harry had never even considered before were now being revealed to him, and he cursed himself for never having the ability to see past his own needs and wants before this point.

The letters he had been sending probably not only made Draco uncomfortable, but perhaps upset his lover as well. What if he had ruined Draco's chances of being happy, because of his own pursuit of that very thing? If he had, he would never be able to forgive himself for it. If Draco was happy without him, who was he to say that Draco didn't deserve it?

Ignoring the searing pain in the general region of his heart, Harry stood and walked to his study, ready to compose one final letter to his former lover.

Although Harry wasn't ready for it, and doubted that he ever would be, if this was what it would take to make Draco happy, Harry would do it. It was time for him to say his final goodbye…

---XXX---

Draco,

Writing to you has always been hard for me since you've left, but tonight it is especially hard because I know that this will be my last goodbye to you.

I am by no means ready to let you go; there's a part of me that will never be. But I know that if this is what it's going to take to make you happy, I will do it. I would never want you to suffer because of me, because of what I've put you through, and I'm beginning to realise, little by little, that my writing to you has probably been one of the many ways that I've forced you to do so.

I love you, Draco. I can honestly say that you're the only person that I've ever loved, the only person that I've ever been able to share such a close relationship with. You understand me, complete me, in a way that no one else would ever be able to do. But I've come to realise that you've moved on, and I can no longer reach you. You don't want to be reached any more.

I'll never be able to let go of this one small thread of hope that one day you'll come back to me. It gets smaller every day that you're away from me, but it will never truly be gone.

Be happy, Draco. That is really the only thing I want for you. At least one of us should be.

It will be hard for me, but this chapter of my life - our chapter - will end this night. It's obvious that yours ended long ago.

Goodbye, Draco.

---XXX---

Harry read over the letter he had written, and in his chest, his heart finished the process of breaking - the process it had long been trying to complete. As he dissolved into tears yet again, he promised himself that this would be the last time he cried over Draco.

---XXX---

It was many hours later that Harry finally pulled himself together enough to notice that one, he had somehow managed to make his way into his bedroom, although he didn't remember it, and two, Hermione was standing in his doorway and staring at him in concern. He didn't even bother to wonder how she had gotten there - she always seemed to know when he needed her, and never hesitated to stop by if she got the feeling that he did, even though sometimes he wished she wouldn't.

"Harry?" she asked softly, stepping into the room hesitatingly.

"Hello, Hermione." Harry greeted her detachedly, staring up at her through his wet eyelashes, his face devoid of all emotion.

"Are you okay?"

Harry cleared his throat gruffly. Standing, he nodded at her, one small, brief shake of his head. "I'm…going to put on some tea," he said quickly, before leaving the room. He expected her to follow, but when he turned around, she wasn't there.

Brow furrowed, he went back to his bedroom, and was surprised to see her still there. Reading the letter.

"Hermione!"

Hermione jumped in surprise, raising her eyes guiltily to the doorway in which Harry stood. "Harry…" she whispered, voice choked. Her eyes were glistening, and Harry grimaced at her reaction.

"Hermione, please, put that down." Harry coaxed.

"Harry, you're not…you're not just going to give up, are you? You can't send this!"

Harry sighed, closing his eyes in exasperation.

"You haven't done anything but mope around, Harry. How do you expect to find Draco if you stay holed up all the time?" Hermione glared at him sternly, her tears of just moments ago completely forgotten.

"Hermione, it's not as easy as going out for a walk one day and having Draco just suddenly appear out of nowhere!"

"Well you wouldn't know, would you, because you haven't tried!"

"There's no point in trying something that I know won't work to begin with. Hermione, I'm not going to waste my time on this anymore! I just want to move on with my life-"

"And risk every chance of happiness that you could possibly have in the process? Harry, that's not like you! You've never just given up before!"

"Well maybe it's about time that I did, then!" Harry exploded, raising his hands above his head in defeat.

Hermione blanched at this. "Harry…you can't be serious! You're a Gryffindor - where has all your courage gone? I know-"

"No, Hermione, you don't know! Isn't that the point of all of this? You don't understand how hard it is - you've been with Ron forever, you don't know what this kind of heartbreak is like!"

Hermione's mouth snapped shut. Her lips pursed tightly, and her eyes narrowed as she crossed her arms across her chest, but she said nothing as she stared belligerently at Harry.

Harry sighed reluctantly, and took the letter from her hands. "Look, 'Mione. I know you're looking out for me, and I appreciate it, I really do! But sometimes, you just have to -no, I just have to…let go."

Hermione's lips twisted into a frown. "Harry…" she trailed off, instead closing her mouth after a few seconds of hesitation, and with a small, sad smile, she reached out to touch Harry tenderly on the shoulder, her actions speaking of how very deeply she cared for him more than her words ever could. "All right," she said, eyes filled with sadness. "I just don't…you don't deserve to be so unhappy, Harry."

---XXX---

Later that night, when Harry was alone, he reflected on Hermione's words, and wondered if they were true. Did he truly deserve happiness? Right now, it didn't seem like he did. He wanted to move on, but did he really want to? He didn't want to forget, didn't want to lose the memories he had made with Draco, no matter how bad some of them might be. Was that so wrong of him?

After hours of sitting and thinking but getting nowhere, he finally decided that he wouldn't send the letter. He went to bed that night with a heavy heart.

---XXX---

Over the next few days, weeks, even months, Harry felt numb to everything around him. It was becoming harder and harder for him to drag himself out of bed each morning, and some days, he just didn't bother with the effort. His friends grew more and more concerned for him, but there seemed to be nothing that they could do to help him. He appreciated their attempts, but he just couldn't summon the effort to…live.

Until one day, late in the spring, when Hermione rushed into the room, waving a book around above her head, with her eyes gleaming with hope, but laced with pain.

"Harry!"

Her voice shocked him, and he looked up from his brooding glare at the blank wall in front of him long enough to note that she looked very excited (but dubiously so) about something. Curiosity piqued, he arched an eyebrow in question (a habit that he had picked up from Draco).

"I was at Flourish and Blotts today to pick up some light reading material," Harry looked at the heavy-looking tome Hermione was carrying and his eyebrows rose, but he didn't say anything. Hermione rolled her eyes and continued. "When I spotted this book in a display at the back of the store - in the Harry Potter section." Harry blinked, and Hermione sighed. "I would point out that it's about you, but I would assume you've already guessed that much. Here," She handed the book to Harry. "Take a look for yourself."

The book wasn't as heavy as it looked, and the ornate silver scripture that scrawled the title across the leather-bound, crimson cover immediately caught his attention.

A Love that Could Never Be…

But it was the author's name that his eyes were drawn to. In small, italicized letters, the name Draco Malfoy decorated the bottom part of the cover, as if to be hidden from anyone who wasn't looking for it.

Harry's eyes lingered on the cover for many long minutes - he was unable to tear his gaze away.

"Wh…where did you say you got this, 'Mione?"

Hermione smiled grimly as Harry continued to stare at the cover. "Flourish and Blotts," she repeated. Harry nodded his understanding.

"Would you mind…if I kept this?" Harry asked, hoping that he didn't sound to terribly desperate as he finally tore his gaze away from the book. His eyes pleaded with Hermione. Taking a deep breath, she nodded.

"Harry, just…be careful, when you read it. I haven't read it yet, I brought it straight over after I bought it. And there could be some really hurtful things in there. I just don't want you to be hurt again."

Harry knew better than to get his hopes up, but in his chest his heart was soaring. This was the first he had heard of Draco for nearly two-and-a-half years, and even if there were terrible, degrading words written within the book, Harry knew that he wouldn't put it down until he had worn the pages thin, smudged the fresh ink so much that he would be unable to read the words.

Hermione was reluctant to leave Harry alone with the book, afraid that something inside could hurt him so badly that he might become even more depressed than he had been. Pulling her own copy of the book out of the knapsack she carried even though she was no longer in school (a handy thing to have on hand, she often said, to carry snacks and other miscellaneous things for her daughter), she sat down in the chair close to Harry's bed and began to read it for herself.

Harry stared at Hermione curiously for a few moments, but when she made it obvious that she wasn't going anywhere, he gave up on trying to shoo her away with a glare. Turning his attention away from her, he fingered the soft cover of the book as if it were the finest silk. He wanted to open the cover and read the words that were spilt onto the pages for all to see, but was afraid that once he had, there would be no going back - and he knew that he would probably want to.

They sat together in a slightly awkward silence, Hermione completely enthralled in the book, and Harry still debating about whether or not he wanted to even lift the front cover.

Finally, he worked up the courage to open the book. He then stared at the cover page, the title still blaring out at him, and Draco's name scripted in small font at the bottom of the page. It took him even longer to work up the courage to turn that page, but when he did, the dedication was revealed.

For Harry -

I'm sorry that I hurt you.

It's something I must live with every day.

And all the pain I put you through,

I wish that I could take it all away,

And be the one who catches all your tears.

That's why I need you to hear:

I've found a reason for me,

To change who I used to be.

A reason to start over new,

And the reason is you… (!)

Harry blinked down at the words of the dedication, wondering why they somehow reminded him of the lyrics of a song.

And that was when Hermione burst into sobs.

---XXX---X---XXX---

(!) - These are the lyrics to the song "The Reason", by Hoobastank. I felt they were rather fitting for this situation.