Disclaimer: Anything you recognize, I don't own. Except the stuff I do own.
Chapter Five
The End of EVERYTHING
Ron gagged, having swallowed his spoon. He glanced down in the bowl he had been eating out of after successfully getting the eating utensil to slide down his throat. The bowl was empty except for a large, while owl. How odd, but, food is food! Ron made to gobble down the bird, but before he could do so, she bit his finger rather hard, and dropped a non-wrapped for once parcel on the table. She flew away moments later, having decided that the relative safety was gone.
Ron's stomach gurgled, and he reached for the cell phone, knowing what it was from last summer, however, not caring in his hunger. Luckily, before it could enter his mouth, the phone began to sing, and Ron jumped, dropping it on the table.
But it was not the usual creepy, annoying song that usually emanated from Harry's phones, and it was simply a recording of Harry saying: "Ron, hit the GREEN button, food will come out!"
So obviously, Ron did it.
"Ron?" Harry's voice came out of the phone.
Harry desperately hoped that Hermione had not intercepted this phone, but he had to take the chance.
"Where's the food?"
Ron.
"There is no food, Ron, I need your help! Hermione is going to kill me!"
"So, what you're saying is, there's no food, and you want me to help you without proper nourishment?"
"Yes."
"Okay, but I want cake afterward."
"Deal," said Harry, knowing he would probably never live up to the agreement.
"What do you need me to do?" asked Ron.
"It's simple, really…"
Bellatrix looked at her muggle watch, wondering when the pie tin the Minister of Magic would arrive. Her mace in hand, she planned to earn the love of her "Voldie Poo" by killing the Minister, and taking the job herself, in which she would become a great success and he would love her again. It was muuuch less messy than finding and killing her love by her lonesome.
The door creaked open, and Bella swung the mace forward, not caring who she hit. It was Cornelius Fudge, but that would do. She just needed to wait longer.
(Ha, Fudge is out of the picture!)
Back on Elm Street, Voldemort had awoken from his insane dream. And then he fell asleep again. Not a very sharp cookie now, is he?
"Hermione, dear, there's someone at the door for you!" called Mrs. Granger up the stairs, and Hermione snapped out of focus. Growling, she stalked down the stairs to discover…Ron? What the—
"Hermione, cough cough I am here to admit my undying love to you, and, um, hang on, I can't read my writing," he said as he tried to decipher something written on his hand. "Oh! And ask you to be my—" he choked on the last word, but Hermione didn't seem to notice it— "girlfriiieeennd." (Word echoes; thunder rumbles; lightning strikes the very ground we stand on.)
Needless to say, Hermione is now distracted by going over all the pros and cons of dating Ron. There are a lot.
Meanwhile….Harry snuck past the house where Hermione was listing things and apperated to 1428 Elm Street to make a deal with the Dark Lord. He knocked on the door, noticing the chill in the air as he entered when no one answered. Voldie was twitching in his sleep on the couch, surrounded by paperwork of some sort.
Harry didn't care to find out what, so he just splashed a bunch of water on the Snake Dude's head.
"AHHHH!!!! What the crap was that?!" screamed Voldie, sitting up and wiping drool off his face where it had stuck under the water.
"I have a deal for you, Voldenater," said Harry in a business like manner.
"What kind of deal?" asked Voldie as he raised an eyebrow.
"Well, Hermione is being distracted at the moment by a kamikaze person I sent in…without the plane…and I figure that if we work together, we might not die under her wrath."
"Continue."
Hermione looked over her list over an hour later, and said "Well, Ron, I have thought it over, and I guess you're just going to have to get over this 'undying love' you harbor. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get back to figuring out who started the Phone Tag so that I can eliminate them."
"Oh that's easy! It's Harry!" Ron said this stupidly, and now they're all screwed.
Think of what happened next like this: an atomic bomb went off in the middle of the front lawn. Mushroom cloud and all.
(This is also the point in which you all go on YouTube and play "End of All Hope" by Nightwish. The first couple words should explain why.)
Harry heard the explosion from Elm Street as he poured over the battle plans that had been made over the years by the Egomaniac that sat before him. He looked up, and realized with horror that Ron had told Hermione, for he could hear shouting now, even if it was all happening on a different continent.
"WHAT WAS HE THINKING?! IS HE TRYING TO GET HIMSELF KILLED?! LORD VOLDEMORT IS FREAKIN IN ON IT! LET ALONE WHAT HE COULD HAVE DONE FOR THE ORDER WITH THOSE PHONES! HE COULD HAVE TRACKED DOWN SNAPE AND MALFOY AND EVERYONE! I'M GOING TO DO VOLDEMORT'S JOB FOR HIM!"
"Oh shnizle," said Harry.
Moments later, he and Voldie were high-tailing it out of there with at least fifty water balloons in tow. There was no battle plan now that Hermione knew. All was lost. They were dead.
Harry stopped. "Wait a sec," he told Voldie, and he gave out some kind of weird screech, followed by a series of clicks with his tongue. All of a sudden, three people popped out of the ground, all wearing camo and army helmets.
"Why have you yet again called the League of Weirdos?" asked LoW 1.
"Well," said Harry, shifting nervously. "Hermione Granger kinda found out about Phone Tag, and we're all gonna die, so could you please help us?" He looked at LoW 1 with a pleading look.
LoW 2 spoke up next. "Why should we do that? I CAN'T DIE UNTIL THE TWILIGHT SERIES IS FINISHED AND THE REST OF THE HP MOVIES ARE OUT SO I CAN CRITICIZE THEM ABOUT THEIR DIFFERENCES FROM THE BOOKS!"
"Um, cause I'll give you all some chocolate?" said Harry questioningly.
"What kind of chocolate?" said LoW 3.
"Um…"
"Too late! We're gone!" yelled LoW 1. She made to grab the others' arms and pull them back into the Earth, but LoW 3 saw a kitty and ran after it while LoW 2 saw someone reading HPDH on a bench and made to go discuss it with them. Unfortunately, that person was reading it for the first time, and she accidentally revealed that dies in chapter . HA! You guys thought I was actually gonna do it only two weeks after the book came out!
"Crap," said LoW 1, and she went off to retrieve the people who she was sure had a serious case of ADD.
A moment later, that guy from the asylum popped in an asked where the Weirdos were.
Harry said they went "that way" and pointed in three directions. The guy swore and left, leaving a very confused Harry and a Voldie who had gone into a fetal position at the sight of LoW 3.
"What's wrong with you?" asked Harry then he remembered. "Oh yeah, traumatic experience. Well, get over it, I got over mine apparently."
Harry grabbed Voldie and disapperated with the water balloons. A moment later, Snape stood in front of them, wearing a sour expression on his face. "What do you want, Potter?" he asked.
Harry quickly explained that they were all screwed, and Snape agreed that they must take Hermione down before she took them down. He added at least eighty water balloons to their supply. When Harry asked why he had all those balloons, Snape muttered something about target practice. Looking over Snape's shoulder, he saw a dummy with his face with several knives in the eyes, and potions oozing on the head. It caught fire as Harry watched. He took a step away from Snape.
Ron struggled out of the rubble of Hermione's house. Then he ate some of it. Unfortunately for him, one of the pieces he swallowed was rather jagged, and it killed him from the inside. Poor Ron, I laugh at thee.
As Ron died, Hermione collected her wand and a text book, and apperated to Privet Drive. She knocked on the door, assuming that Harry had not heard her rampage against Muggle London.
A very fat man answered. "Can I help you with something?" he asked.
"Yes, sir, I'm looking for Harry Potter. I need to kill him, you see."
"Oh, sure, he should be upstairs. Try not to get mess on the carpet."
"Right."
See how awful the Dursleys are!? Well, do you!??!?!?!?
Hermione walked up the stairs and chose the door which had a note that read: "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME, HERMIONE."
She opened the door to find…no one. Not even Hedwig was there. The window was open and curtains blowing inward; she took it as one of those signs that he had gone out of it to escape.
Harry entered the Minister's office at the Ministry with Voldie and Snape, both of which were cloaked so no one ran and screamed. He knocked on the door and opened it, dodging the mace that almost crashed down on his head.
"Bella! Wait! We're all going to die, so you have to help us!" Voldie yelled.
"My love?!" she exclaimed. "I killed Fudge for you! And Scrimgeour too! Look!" She pointed to a mass of something that clearly screamed "OFF SCREEN VIOLENCE!"
"I see that…you've done well, Bella!" Voldie exclaimed. "Now we can over take the Ministry!"
The two did a little happy dance while Harry and Snape waited patiently and discussed the weather. Finally, the two were done, and Harry and Snape hit the two maniacs over the head with books, and reminded them that they were going to die.
"Why?" asked Bella.
"Hermione Granger found out."
Those four words were all it took. Bella collected yet another supply of water balloons and followed them out of the Ministry. Before they could leave, however, Harry remembered Percy. And Umbridge…but she was dead, so he just did Percy.
He entered the office with the others and Percy screamed, seeing Voldie's face.
"I am NOT going against Potter again, You-Know-Who!" he yelled, remembering the giant hand.
"Relax, Percy, we're working together because Hermione found out and we're all going to die," Harry explained to him quickly.
Percy agreed, fearing Hermione very much. He opened his desk and pulled out a bag of, you guessed it, water balloons. WHOOT!
Harry, feeling much happier that he wasn't all alone with three people who would dearly love to kill him, led them out of the Ministry through the Floo Network. You have five seconds to guess where they're going.
1
2
3
4
5
"Malfoy Manor!" yelled the lot of them, and they spun away through the flames.
The fire place barfed them up into the Malfoys' secret hidy-hole where all their Dark Arts crap is kept out of Arthur Weasley's hands whenever he randomly decides to raid the house—manor—thing. Draco was reading a book titled Cell Phones for Dummies for unknown reasons. Perhaps he busted his cello-phone…
"Draco!" yelled Snape, and the boy looked up half expecting to be fed to some sort of imploding planet at the tone of voice.
"I didn't do it!" he screamed, and made to hide behind the large chair he had been sitting in, cowering under his book.
"Oh, Merlin, Malfoy! Quit your blubbering or we're leaving you here!" exclaimed Harry.
"Potter?!" Malfoy looked from his aunt, to his master, to his mentor, to the blood traitor, and back to Potter. "What the crap is going on?"
"Well," started Harry, "I sent a phone to Kreacher the house-elf and Hermione Granger was there and she picked up the phone and asked what was going on so I Phone Tagged her and hung up and then I sent Ron Weasley to her as a distraction so me and Voldie could make a plan but then Ron pulled a stupid and told her what was going on and she all exploded and now she's going to come after everyone who is connected to it and kill them all and we now have to work together to bring her down so that we stay amongst the living!" Harry said this in one breath.
Malfoy, who liked being alive very much, decided that he would help because they had a new episode of his favorite soap opera on next week and he just had to find out who killed Jessie's lover, Estebon.
Malfoy added only ten water balloons to the supply, but it would have to do for now.
Hermione waited outside the Burrow, wondering to herself when Harry would get there. She had figured that if Harry was not at his relatives, and not in Grimauld Place, he would certainly come here next. And Hermione did not like to be wrong. In fact, she became very cross when she was wrong, and enjoyed destroying certain people who made it so that she was wrong.
In her fury, she disapperated right into the middle of the plot, where Harry, Percy, Snape, Malfoy, Voldie, and Bella were filling even MORE water balloons with ice cold water.
"Oh, shnizle," said Harry quietly. Hermione looked around at him and the others, a mad gleam in her eyes.
"What's going on, here?" she asked, and they all drew back at the sound of her voice.
"Well, um, we were just, um—"
"Playing Scrabble!" exclaimed Snape, and behind his back, he flicked his wand, and the game board appeared with tiles spelling out: Staple, soap, water, and thingamabob.
Hermione inspected the board carefully, taking in the words. She said "'Thingamabob' isn't a word."
"Yes it is!" exclaimed Voldie.
"Yeah!"
"No it is not!" screeched Hermione, and in her fury, her bushy hair stood up straight.
"C-check in the dictionary, then," challenged Malfoy, and she glared at him. He shrunk away from her gaze and her eyes narrowed, resembling Voldemort's much more than her own.
"Fine," she spat, and disapperated back to her house to check the largest dictionary she possessed.
The six people sighed in relief, and Harry turned to Snape. "Scrabble? Where the crap did you get that idea?!"
Snape shrugged. "It distracted her, didn't it?"
"Yeah, I—"
"I DON'T LIKE TO BE WRONG!" screamed Hermione, who had just retuned from checking the word in her dictionary.
She threw a textbook at Malfoy to eliminate the person who told her she was mistaken. It made his brain fall out of his ear.
"RUUUUNNNN!!!" shouted Harry, and the now five grabbed their water balloons and ran like Dudley runs for food, except for they were actually successful.
Hermione began firing spell after spell at them as they ran through the abandoned WalMart they had taken refuge in. A jinx hit Percy in the leg, and he tripped. Harry turned back, but Percy shouted, "No! Go on without me!!!"
Harry could not ignore the scream as Snape pulled him on, away from Hermione trampling Percy and firing books of immense size at his head. Needless to say, he died.
They were running faster and faster, but Hermione sped up as well, and when they entered the old electronics section, Bella saw something very shiny. It sparkled, and she stopped, staring. It was a brand new, state of the art, Verizon Chocolate Cell Phone! She had to touch it, had to pick it up…her hand was inches away when—Harry threw a water balloon over his shoulder to try and slow Hermione up and it hit the cell phone and electrocuted Bella. She died too.
They kept running until Voldemort realized that Bella had just died. He was about to turn back when he remembered that he had loved Dolores Umbridge instead of her…then he remembered that she was dead as well.
He stopped to get revenge on Hermione for bringing about Bella's death and the end of his only hope for revenge for her killing his beloved Toad Lady. Harry and Snape kept running as Voldie pulled out his wand and cried "Avada Kedavera!" The spell sped toward Hermione, but she ducked and it hit a mirror, rebounding upon Voldemort. It hit him dead on, and that little soul thing that inhabited Voldie's body ran off again to live in Albania.
And then there was just Snape, Harry, and Hermione.
Snape started chucking every water balloon he had at the witch behind them, but it had no effect but to make her hair lie flat, and her clothes to be soaked.
She laughed, and said, "What did you think that would do?!"
As they ran, Snape remembered that he had saved Harry a few minutes ago. He had saved Harry freaking Potter! There was no reason to live if his rep was destroyed!
Let's just say that the next few moments got pretty gruesome. Or we could watch! Snape took a bottle of Shampoo off of the shelf next to him, and poured it all over his head; the Shampoo began to fizz and bubble until it became acidic and worked its way down through Snape's skull and into his brain. DEAD.
And then there was Harry.
He stopped running, and turned to face his destiny. No, not the destiny with Voldemort and the whole prophecy crap, cause that's gonna be pretty easy now that Voldemort's just "less than spirit, less than the meanest ghost" (a/n: Goblet of Fire, Chapter 34 during Voldemort's speech to the Death Eaters.)
Hermione hit Harry over the head with her Potions textbook. "That'll teach you for outshining me in potions!" she declared. Harry stood up, rubbing his head.
"Sorry, Hermione, it won't happen again," he said guiltily.
"Good. Now, about Phone Tag…"
Harry cringed, awaiting the explosion. None came.
"I think that your punishment should be that you have to listen to LoW 3 rant about kitties for one hour. Then we'll go find the Horcruxes," Hermione said.
This sounded acceptable, so Harry agreed. The two walked out of the WalMart in good spirits.
"So what was with all the water balloons anyway?" asked Hermione.
"Oh, that. Well, Voldemort had the idea that you were somehow the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz, so he thought we could melt you with water so you wouldn't kill us. Kinda funny, right? Right? Uh…"
Epilogue
One year to that day, Hermione destroyed all of the Horcruxes and killed all the Death Eaters with Ginny. Everyone mourned Harry's death at the hands of a piece of rubble that mysteriously fell from the ceiling of the abandoned WalMart, one year ago. No one knew why it had suddenly fallen at the exact moment that Harry told Hermione of the plan they had made to escape her wrath, and no one questioned the story, for fear that the Insufferable Know-It-All would not take kindly to being proven wrong.
Draco never found out that it was really Jessie's twin brother, Eddie, who killed Estebon so that his best friend, Carl, could woo Jessie into loving him even though Eddie only killed him so that Carl would fall in love with him and realize that he was more than just a friend.
END
Notes: IT IS OVER. Okay, done! So, thanks for reviews, sorry I never updated, and yeah, so, it's done. I'm gone. Deathly Hallows rocked if anyone's wondering. I cried.
Thanks to Moon at Twilight for reviewing the last chapter, probably the only one it'll get for a good three months. Yeah, you see that guilt trip? Is it working?
TwilightsCalling