It didn't take long to calm down, but Lady Kourin stayed at my side even after I insisted I was fine. "His Majesty certainly is beautiful, but I've never seen someone driven to tears over it!" she joked to lighten the mood.
"He certainly is, but it's not that," I smiled. "He just reminded me of someone back in my village."
"Aww, are you feeling homesick, dear?" she asked, then grew a sly grin. "Or love sick?"
"A little of both."
"Well, I was only joking with that last part," she blinked. "You came to the harem even though you were already in love with someone?"
"It wasn't an extraordinary romance at all," I smiled faintly. "It was probably only one-sided as well. Why, I don't even know if I loved him that way in the first place."
"Hmm," my friend mused and looked closely at me. "You don't usually strike me as being confused about anything."
"I don't like being confused, especially about my feelings," I replied. "I thought I had buried my feelings for Tendou and my family so I could start anew here, but when I saw His Majesty's face, they all came rushing back. How embarrassing."
Lady Kourin took my hand and looked me in the eyes. "Your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of."
"I admire that about you, Lady Kourin. Your emotions are so honest and blunt. You know yourself well enough to know what you want."
Her face looked sad when I said that, but she smiled and pressed her forehead to mine. "Wrong again. But enough about me, what was this Tendou guy like? If he's anything like the emperor, I can see why you'd have trouble leaving him!"
"Tendou was," I thought back, "like a brother to me. He picked on me a lot when we were little kids, but he was only teasing. I was the one who bandaged up his bruises, and made his lunches when he was working all day. We were very close, but I don't think he ever knew how much I wanted to spend my life with him."
"As his wife?"
"That's what I always expected, but maybe not even that. Just as long as he'd always be there, I thought I could be happy. When my family couldn't even pay the rent, though, and the people from the palace invited me to join the harem, I thought very carefully about what my feelings were. Even if I never saw them again, I wanted what was best for them, and decided the most love I could show them was to leave. It wasn't as if I couldn't live without Tendou, I just…" I trailed off as my eyes started leaking with tears again. "I didn't want to."
"Look at me," I tried to smile as I lifted a hand to my eyes. "I thought I could move on and find a new love. I thought I was strong enough. And here I am, crying again."
"Houki," Lady Kourin started to scold me, "Crying is fine. Cry as much as you need to- the tears will help you heal. Burying your feelings is one thing, but resolving them is another."
"I just want to move on. I don't want to loose sight of why I'm here," I let my thoughts continue to flow. "If His Majesty does choose me to be his wife, I want to love and support him with my entire being. I don't want to think of another man when I see him; I want to love him for whoever he may be."
"You had better do that if he chooses you," she half-threatened me.
"Ahh- I'm sorry, Lady Kourin," I abruptly stopped crying when I saw her stern face. "I didn't mean to make it sound like I wanted to keep you from loving him or anything like that…"
"If that's how you feel, then that's how you should feel. I'm not going to hold that against you," she shrugged. "But enough of this 'Lady Kourin' business. It feels too formal and stiff among friends."
I smiled and nodded. I had lost my best friend from before, but with a new friend like Lady Kourin-- or rather, Kourin-- I would probably be able to heal from that. Moving on from the other feelings I had for Tendou may take more time, but there wasn't any rush.
"Come to think of it, Kourin," I said to her. "I've never seen you cry."
"Yes, you have!"
"That was only when you were whining over His Majesty not coming to see you," I replied. "But you've never cried for real."
She looked away and smiled awkwardly. "Crying is something you do when you recognize that you're hurt. I'm not mature enough right now to let myself feel hurt."
I had forgotten what she had said before about taking her name from someone else close to her who had died. She did a very good job of covering up her pain, I now realized, and while I wasn't going to force her to say anything, my curiousity peaked.
Author Fangirling: I'm sure you all can guess who the next chapter will focus on... see you then!