Author Fangirling: SHAMELESS PLUG! I got the inspiration for this chapter from Kianang's story, "Otouto" (read it! Dah!-- it won't let me post a link!). No, I didn't base any of this off of that fic, but it put me in the mood to reach into Nuriko's past.
Two months passed since I saw the Emperor's face. After recognizing how lonely I felt without Tendou, I was able to move on and focus on the sleeping face I saw before. He certainly was a graceful man, and I was lucky to have a chance to marry him. I grew more interested in Konan's political conditions so I could understand what kind of man he was through the decisions he made. I listened to whatever gossip I heard about him, trying to find out what his personality was like. In my excitement to learn more about this man, I was able to work through my feelings for Tendou and move on.
Kourin and I also continued to grow closer since that time. I became far more receptive to anything she might have said about her past, though, and wondered more and more about who this Kourin person was, and what the Kourin I knew might have been like without her. I never said a thing to drag anything out of her, as much as I wanted to.
"Kourin!" I met her one day in the hall. "Won't you come eat this manju with me? It's too much for me to eat by myself!"
No response, so I tugged playfully on her sleeve and pouted. "Kourin! Pleeease?"
She burst out in laughter. "Stop acting so cute! Seriously, you're just like Kourin!"
Kourin. It was the first time she had mentioned her since we became friends. As we ate together, I kept thinking about it, and she noticed. "You look so serious about something, Houki."
"Oh, I was…" I wondered whether or not I should broach the topic, "just wondering who Kourin was."
"My sister," she responded matter-of-factly. "She was a couple years younger than me."
"Oh," I nodded. "Is that all…?"
"Listen to you," she poked my cheek. "Trying to find out why I pretend to be her! You little spy, you!"
"I can't help but be curious about my friend," I laughed.
"Very well. Kourin and I were very close, and we shared everything. Our bedroom, our secrets, even our faces. Except for our height difference, people used to think we were twins! We and our older brother played together all day long, not a care in the world."
I knew what happened next.
"It was a complete accident when she died. I was devastated," her eyes sank and her voice got quieter. "The person I was died with her. I needed to keep living on as someone, though, so I started pretending I was her. It didn't take long to convince myself I really was Kourin, and that nothing bad ever happened to her."
"I'm very sorry to hear all this," my heart sank. She merely shrugged, as it was old news to her. Just being facts, she had no trouble recalling it. Eager to push on the conversation, I looked up to the ceiling and said, "I wonder what kind of person you were before. Will you tell me your real name?"
Kourin smiled warmly. "No."
I was disappointed and made sure it showed on my face as she continued. "The person I was is gone. I'm just Kourin now. Whether or not I'm my sister is different, I guess, but this is the identity I've taken."
"It may be the one you've taken," I nudged her , "but is it really yours?"
She smirked. "Who knows, maybe I'm still looking for who I am. But it doesn't bother me one bit."
I think it should have been painful for Kourin to recall all this, but she never looked close to crying. I remembered what she had said before about that: "Crying is fine. Cry as much as you need to- the tears will help you heal. Burying your feelings is one thing, but resolving them is another."
She never accepted the tragedy of her sister's death, so could never give herself the chance to heal. I felt very sad for her, and hoped with all my being that she might someday move on and find her true self again. "Kourin?"
"Yes, dear?"
"If I'm so much like Kourin, why don't you just let me replace her?"
After her initial laughter, she held my head to hers and declined the offer. "You're just fine being Houki."