Once again, thanks to all my beautiful reviewers! Hugs and candy and undress-able Sasuke dolls to you all! (COUGH)

Okay, now some of you have expressed concern on what pairings there will be. I just want to take a moment to clear this up.

There will be no SasuSaku unless someone pays me.

There will be no SasuNaru unless someone pays me even more.

There will be a NaruSasuSaku threesome at some point.

…

...Just kidding! I AM JUST KIDDING, PEOPLE! I have no intention of putting ANY actual romance stuff in this story (unless you pay me). This whole thing is just for shits and giggles; any "situations" are solely for the purpose of making you guys laugh.

And just to reiterate, I was JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE THREESOME!

Isadora the Great is my beta! Thank you, dearie! And I'm beta-ing for her too! And I have a beta fish in my dorm room! I named him Gaara-kun. (His first name was Red-Priest Usada but my friends were making fun of me so I changed it... Thanks you guys /sarcasm/)

Read and Review no Jutsu!

Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?

Chapter Four: I know there's a plot around here somewhere...

"I can't believe Kakashi-sensei took away my candy!" Naruto complained loudly.

Sasuke sighed, unable to believe that the blond could be so dense. Kakashi had indeed taken Naruto's "candy" – and slipped it into his own pockets. The team had finished their lunch in an awkward silence. Now, Sasuke and Naruto were sitting behind Ichiraku, Sakura's little pink book of secrets resting in Naruto's lap. Sakura had gone home to brood and Kakashi went to...well, wherever Kakashi goes when not training ninjas. Probably some dirty bookstore. But let's not dabble in that, okay?

"Why are you so clueless, dobe?" Sasuke grumped. "I'm used to you being a moron, but this is an all-time low."

Naruto scowled and cocked his head. "Not following."

"...Not surprised."

Naruto crossed his arms and huffed. "Well, if you're so smart, then tell me."

"...I'd rather not. Besides, you're a guy, you should know that wasn't candy."

"...If it wasn't candy, why's it flavored?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke groaned inwardly. He SO did not want to explain condoms to Naruto. "Ask Kakashi. Or Iruka. Or Jiraiya. Or anybody but me."

"Ah-HAH! I knew you're just pullin' crap!" Naruto cried. "You can't think of anything, huh?"

Argh... Sasuke rubbed his temples and grimaced. "Naruto, you are such an idiot! I am NOT explaining the birds and the bees to you!"

"The birds and th—What the hell?" Naruto knew what the "birds and the bees" were, he just didn't understand what they had to do with anything.

Sasuke was ready to scream. But Uchihas don't run around screaming in public, so he tried to calm himself.

"Well Sasuke?"

Sasuke gritted his teeth. "Well it's...for...you know... Uh... You know..." He made a series of...interesting hand motions.

Naruto raised an eyebrow and clapped slowly.

"I wasn't putting on a show, dobe!" Sasuke tried to not roll his eyes but failed horribly. He came up with the aggravating conclusion that he was just making himself look like an idiot, so the Uchiha decided to change the subject as quickly as possible. "Listen, let's just read that book before Sakura finds us."

Naruto's face lit up. "Okay! Will you read out loud again?"

Sasuke sighed. I hate my life...

Oh and by the way, he was still pissed over the fact that the laxative he slipped in Naruto's ramen that morning never took effect.

(Later, he would discover that Tsunade had played a joke on him and had given him a bottle of sugar instead. And he would not be happy.)

Meanwhile...

Sakura was walking with Tenten and Hinata. The Hyuuga heiress had invited them over, but currently they were discussing the whole Sasuke/Naruto thing.

"...And then, he shows up at the table with a huge handful of FREAKING CONDOMS!" Sakura wailed.

Tenten sighed. "Leave it to Naruto to be so painfully blunt and obvious!"

"A...are you s-sure N-Naruto..." Hinata stuttered, unable to finish her sentence.

"Sorry, kiddo," Tenten shook her head. "But hey - at least they're being safe," she said sarcastically.

"May...Maybe it isn't Naruto-kun's f-fault," said Hinata, blushing as always. "I-I mean, maybe S-Sasuke came on to—" she stopped talking when she noticed the way Sakura was glaring at her suggestion.

"I think we should ask around and see if other people have noticed anything weird going on," Tenten decided.

Sakura shook her head. "No, I really don't want to ruin Sasuke-kun's reputation. Besides, I'd feel too guilty!"

"And...and Naruto-kun's reputation too," said Hinata softly.

They arrived at Hinata's home. Sakura rested a hand on her forehead in a gesture of distress. "I really need something to take my mind off this," she muttered as she took off her shoes.

"We should do something fun," Tenten said. "But what?"

And then, as they entered the living room, opportunity came down and kissed 'em on the lips. For you see, on the couch was Neji, fast asleep after some difficult mission. And on the floor in the next room over was Hanabi, humming to herself as she went through her mother's box of make-up.

Cue evil grins...

Back behind Ichiraku...

The two shinobi opened Sakura's diary to where they had left off. And they began to read...

Dear Diary,

Today really sucked! First I stubbed my toe on my dresser, then my hair drier broke, and then after lunch when I was hoping to get some nice time alone with Sasuke-kun, stupid Naruto showed up! Dammit Naruto, you're late when you're needed and always around when you aren't! But it's hard to stay mad at that kid. I mean, he's nowhere near as smexy as Sasuke-kun but at least he has a sense of humor. I bet that if he could only tame that hyperactive, incessantly ANNOYING IMMATURE side of him, he could get a girl. Not me though. Unless he could PROVE that blonds have more fun, which since I've met Ino I've stopped believing in.

Which reminds me... Ino was bragging around that she climbed the terrace on the side of Sasuke-kun's place and took pictures of him in the shower! THAT WHORE! I could never betray Sasuke-kun's trust like that! Sometimes I really hate that ho-bag.

She wouldn't even share them!

...Silence.

Naruto was slightly miffed over what Sakura wrote about him, but he was always one to recover quickly. Sasuke, on the other hand...

"Hey teme, you okay?" Naruto looked over to Sasuke, who was gaping and had gone considerably blue.

Sasuke replied with some sort of strangled noise.

"Hell-oooooo, teme?" Naruto waved his hand in front of Sasuke's face just to be annoying. Sasuke murmured something incoherent. Naruto suspected his brain had fused.

The blond chuckled nervously and glanced back at the diary. "That sure was sneaky of Ino, huh?"

Sasuke's eyes darkened. "You do realize what this means, right?" he asked after a very long pause. Girl or not, Ino was gonna get a punch in the face next time they met.

"Ino got a free show?" Naruto answered, a smug look on his face. "Sakura wants to know if I have more fun than you? I bet I do!"

Sasuke glowered. "Hn. Uchihas don't have fun. We train."

"And yet, despite all that ninja training, you still couldn't detect a rabid fan girl outside your window?" Naruto said, trying his best to provoke the dark-haired teen.

And it worked. Sasuke hit him on the shoulder. Hard.

Naruto scowled, rubbing his now-throbbing shoulder. It wasn't like Sasuke to get that violent over such light teasing. Naruto figured the Uchiha was just taking out his anger at Ino on him instead. Regardless, Naruto was not the type who just took a punch and let it go...even if he himself provoked it.

So Naruto hit him back. Sasuke caught the blond's fist and twisted his arm.

"OW OW OW! TEME!"

"Oh, sorry dobe," Sasuke responded lazily. "Am I hurting you?"

"Never in your life, teme!" Naruto hollered, and elbowed the Uchiha in the gut with his free arm.

All fancy ninja techniques forgotten, the two teens quickly fell into an out-and-out brawl. No kage bunshin, no katon, no rendan, no fancy katas, just kicking, punching, and – in Naruto's case – biting and clawing.

It was actually quite amusing.

Until Ino peered around the corner, just in time to see Naruto tackle Sasuke to the ground and sink his kyuubi teeth into the underside of the Uchiha's jaw.

For the second time in less than two days, a female saw them in an unintentional and awkward position.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" Ino screeched. Oh, she was going to kill something. Or someone. Or two someones.

Sasuke froze. Naruto, taken completely by surprise, clamped his mouth shut in shock.

"Jugular! Jugular!" Sasuke choked, pounding the top of Naruto's head with his fist.

With a strangled squawk, Naruto shoved himself away and off of his teammate. The two boys looked up at Ino, whose expression mirrored that of a raging hornet with salsa up its nose.

"Well!" Ino demanded.

"We were just, um, reading!" Naruto sputtered. "R-Right, Sasuke?"

Not getting an answer, the blond turned to see Sasuke with his hands clamped over his face.

Aww, he's embarrassed! Naruto couldn't help but smirk. He made a mental note to tease the Uchiha later.

"What were you reading?" Ino said dangerously.

Oh yeah. She was still there.

"Erm..." Naruto said. He glanced nervously at Sasuke again, who had recovered enough to put his I've-got-a-stick-up-my-ass trademark scowl back on.

Sasuke hmph'd. "It's nothing. Mind your own damn business."

"Ohhhhh I get it," Ino said calmly, almost innocently. "It's one of those Kama Sutra books, isn't it?"

Naruto, being an idiot, thought he was being granted a way out of the mess. "Oh, um, uh, YES! Yeah, you're right!" Naruto said loudly, forcing what he hoped was an innocent grin on his face.

Sasuke just about swallowed a lung.

Ino twitched violently. "Well...erm... If that's what you two are into, then...um...Igottagobye!"

As the twitching kunoichi ran off, Sasuke whirled to face Naruto. "Wh...Why the hell did you say that!"

Naruto wrinkled his eyebrows. "Well, why not? It got her to leave, right?"

"...You don't know what Kama Sutra is, do you, dobe?"

Naruto huffed and crossed his arms. "Of course I do! It's that flame ninjutsu that you're always doing."

"No, that's Katon! Not Kama!" Well, he was officially screwed. Sasuke rubbed his temples and took several deep breaths. "A Kama Sutra is a book that depicts various positions one might use during...intercourse."

Naruto snorted with laughter. "You are the only person I know who is uptight enough to refer to getting laid as—wait, did you just say I told Ino we were reading a freaking SEX BOOK!"

Sasuke stood up and brushed the grass off his butt. "I'm going home."

Naruto realized something. "Wait, how did YOU know what Kama-whatever is?"

"...Don't worry about it."

Flashback several years...

"Hey Aniki, will you teach me shuriken techniques today?" asked a 6-year-old Sasuke.

A not-completely-evil-yet Itachi was seated at the kitchen table, pulling on his ANBU shoes. "Otouto, you know I have a mission today. Next time, okay?"

"Hn."

"Sasuke-kun, could you be a good little brother and bring my katana? It's under my bed."

"Yes, Aniki!" Sasuke, happy to help his brother, ran to the elder Uchiha's room, reached under the bed, and pulled out...

Itachi grabbed a cloth and began wiping at a scuff on his red and white mask.

"Aniki, what are they doing?" came a small voice behind him.

Itachi turned and just about fell out of his chair. Sasuke was holding the book open to a graphic photo that I will not describe.

Oh shit, father is going to slay me...

"I think he's hurting her, Aniki..."

Itachi coughed uncomfortably. "...How about you give that to me, and if you promise not to tell anyone about it, I'll teach you a new shuriken technique when I get back, okay?"

"...Okay!"

End Flashback.

Later that afternoon, Naruto decided that it would be best to give Sakura back her diary. After all, he figured the kunoichi would never go out with him if she found out he had it. Naruto ran over to her place, dropped it in a bush by the door and ran off. (He was originally going to do a ding-dong-dash, but decided that could be traced back to him too easily.)

His timing was right on for once – not five minutes after he left, Sakura came home. She was in considerably better spirits than earlier that day. She stumbled across her diary rather easily and squealed with delight. Suddenly, she heard a strange noise behind her and turned around...to face a frothing Ino.

"Um...Ino? What's up?" Sakura asked, a bit nervous at the blonde's expression.

"You. Me. Talk now."

"Wh—Why? What's wrong?"

"You were right..." Ino glared hard at the pink-haired girl. "There is definitely something going on between them."

—Cut to the Hyuuga residence—

Neji yawned and sat up. He felt much better after his nap. He trudged to the bathroom, shut the door behind him, and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

And then screamed like the little girl looking back at him.

Yeah, yeah, I know last chapter I said they were gonna break into Sakura's house. But then I got carried away, and before I knew it... Yeah. But it's definitely gonna happen next chapter. I promise! Seriously!

Please love on me and review a little!