Thank you so much to all my reviews again! I love each and every one of you! I wish I could just reach through my compy and glom on all of you! But even if that were physically possible, I wouldn't... Cuz that's creepy.
Anyways, I know some people were wondering just why in the heck Ino brought up Kama Sutra in the first place. Well, basically, she was testing them (remember I mentioned that earlier?). She wanted to see how they responded. Hope that clears that up at least a little bit...
Oh, and I know I left a huge-ass plot hole with the whole Team-7-decorating-after-lunch thing. Oops. Just...just ignore that...thanks...
Read and Review no Jutsu!
Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?
Chapter Five: I think it looks better on you
Hinata was watching soaps with Tenten when she heard the scream. The two girls exchanged grins. Of course they knew why Hinata's cousin was screaming, they helped with it! So when Neji rushed through the room a few seconds later, Tenten had to try really hard to keep the smirk off her face while Hinata giggled uncontrollably.
"Who. Did. This?!" Neji demanded, glaring daggers and daring them to laugh at him.
Hinata giggled again, tried to suppress it, and ending up choking. Tenten patted her on the back while admiring their...creation.
Neji...Poor Neji... His long, soft hair (that he spent waaay too much time and shampoo on anyways) was tied in braids and oh-so-cute pink ribbons and glittery beads –materials lovingly provided by Hanabi. And the make-up... They had used blue and silver eyeshadow on him, along with a shiny and very feminine pink lipstick. Ino had even curled his eyelashes. Unfortunately, the white foundation and rouge was currently lost in his flushed face.
"Why, Neji!" Tenten gushed mockingly. "You look so pretty today!"
Neji, being Neji, didn't yell but his expression did darken considerably. "Why, you're so gorgeous, I'll bet if you walk outside right now, every man in Konoha will want you!" Tenten continued, eyes watering with the effort it took to smother convulsive waves of laughter.
At that, Neji almost lunged at them, but decided that was out of character. Besides, he wanted to keep what was left of his shredded dignity.
"Even Sasuke would want to get in your pants!" Tenten snorted, finally breaking out into hysterical laughing as she remembered her earlier conversation with Ino and Sakura.
This time, Neji did lunge. Dignity be damned! Tenten and Hinata leapt over the couch and fled out of a conveniently open door. The girls both knew that Princess Neji dare not follow them out into public, no way in hell!
Meanwhile, over at Sakura's place, she and Ino had just spent the last hour discussing Sasuke and Naruto: what they had witnessed, what they had heard, and every exaggeration a rabid fangirl's imagination could invent.
"In conclusion...yeah, they're gay," Sakura said with a depressed groan. "And apparently are wasting no time with the getting' busy."
Ino smirked evilly. "Let's spy on them! I have a camera! We could sell the pictures! Or ransom them!"
Sakura stared at her blonde friend. "Why isn't this bothering you as much as I expected it would?"
"'Cause guy-on-guy action is hot!" Ino said with a wink.
Sakura twitched. She was very, very disturbed. She hoped the blonde was just joking.
Ino laughed. "I can't wait to tell Shikamaru! Ya know, he and Kiba laid down some money on this a long time ago!"
"NO!" Sakura yelled. "No telling anybody! We don't betray Sasuke! He'll hate m—Wait, Shikamaru and Kiba did WHAT?!"
"Yeah, Kiba bet Shikamaru fifty bucks that Sasuke was over the rainbow. They did this a long time ago."
Sakura didn't know how to respond to that. So she continued to press Ino until the girl finally agreed not to tell anyone about Sasuke.
"I swear, Big-forehead, it's not like he'd even be able to trace it to you!" Ino shook her head and Sakura scowled at the nickname, as usual. "But fine. I won't tell a soul. Now, how about we go get something to eat?"
"Okay, I'll be there in a sec, Ino-pig. I gotta do something first," Sakura said. The pink-haired kunoichi ran up to her room, and pulled the little pink book out of its special hiding place.
"Dear Diary, I'm glad to have you back, but I have some horrible news..."
Back at the Hyuuga residence, Neji stalked towards the bathroom, grumbling various curses and how it was most definitely not his fate to look like a woman (um...yeah, okay Neji). When he arrived at his destination, he realized that the door was closed.
Should he knock? If someone was in there, then they'd see Neji standing there in all his sparkly glory. And if he didn't knock, what if the bathroom was empty all along? He'd have to go around looking like a woman even longer. Luckily – or perhaps not so – Neji was spared from making a decision when the door swung open and the occupant stepped out.
Hiashi froze and stared at his nephew, his jaw practically on the ground in shock.
Oh crap, thought Neji. This was going to be a fun one to explain.
Halfway across Konoha, Sakura and Ino were seated at a little café along with Shikamaru. Shikamaru had been there before the girls arrived, sipping cappuccino and staring at the sky. It didn't take much persuasion on the girls' part for the shinobi to allow them to join him. Of course, the only reason for this was because Ino insisted and it was always way too troublesome to argue with her.
So they were sitting there, Sakura talking about random things (babbling, really), Shikamaru with his feet on the table and rocking back in his chair (whether or not he was listening at all was anyone's guess), and Ino sort-of-discretely trying to knock him over (she was bored). The waitress brought them some drinks, and after a few more minutes of not-too-soft nudges on Shikamaru's shoulder, Ino decided to try a new way to topple the young Chuunin.
"So, Shikamaru, you know that bet against Kiba you guys made?"
"...Which one?"
"The Sasuke one," Ino said.
"Yeah, what of it?" he asked through a lazy yawn.
"Well... You lost."
Shikamaru stopped in mid-yawn and forgot to close his mouth. He toppled out of his chair with a crash.
"What?!" he said in disbelief after he had picked himself up.
Ino and Sakura explained, and Shikamaru's eyebrows practically shot off his face.
"Naruto and Sasuke, eh? ...You can't be serious. He's really...?" he asked, massaging his temples. "Damn...this is troublesome."
"I know! I mean, this ruins everything! Now I can't even compete unless I magically grow a dick!" Ino exclaimed, throwing her hands in up in the air.
"There's probably a jutsu for that somewhere," Sakura muttered dryly. She was also rather taken by surprise by Ino's exclamation due to the blonde's relatively indifferent reaction earlier.
Shikamaru yawned again. "Actually, I was referring to the fact that I don't have fifty bucks to spare."
"Wait... So you don't care at all that Sasuke..." Sakura said.
"Why the hell would I care about Sasuke? It doesn't affect me. I'm quite certain that I'm not his type."
"But Sasuke—" Ino started, but was interrupted.
"Wait, is someone talking about Sasuke??" chorused a group of Sasuke fangirls who happened to be seated a few tables away. They stood up together as a mass of territorial Uchiha stalkers.
"Yeah, he's gay," Shikamaru stated bluntly.
Right after that, he was mauled within an inch of his life by aforementioned stalkers. Given his high IQ, he should've known better than to have said that.
"No really, it's true!" Sakura wailed, and launched into her explanation, Ino joining in with her own evidence. Evidentially, both girls had completely forgotten about their promise not to tarnish Sasuke's rep. The group of fangirls bickered amongst themselves for some time and several minor catfights broke out. However, Ino and Sakura kept at it until even the single-tracked minds of the most avid Sasuke worshippers had to admit that something fishy was going on. Then, rather suddenly, the fangirls (aside from Sakura and Ino) shot off in fifteen different directions.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the rumor was spread throughout Konoha in ten minutes – less time than it took poor Shikamaru to extract himself from several chairs and a table.
"Geez...going to the hospital is always so troublesome..."
For the next several hours, Sakura and Ino (since they were both direct witnesses) were asked to confirm several hundred different versions of the rumor, which had grown to be huge and severely warped from retelling. The most outrageous variation was from the girl who said her friend's-boyfriend's-cousin's-friend's-classmate had heard that the two guys were seen going at it on Tsunade's desk. Sakura wasn't sure if she should laugh violently or violently beat the shit out of whoever started that one. Ino settled for doing both.
Surprisingly enough, Naruto and Sasuke were among the few who had no idea about the rumors infecting the Hidden Leaf village. This was probably because Naruto was dense and Sasuke didn't go out much.
Speaking of Sasuke not going out much, the Uchiha was currently irritated because he could not find any food in his place. Which meant that he would have to go out if he wanted to eat dinner.
Sasuke growled and opened the fridge. No food. He scowled and went through the cupboards again. No food. Then he went back to the fridge and was irrationally pissed when the thing had not magically restocked itself. Sasuke checked the fridge three more times before deciding that food was not just going to be there the next time he opened the door. So he had to go shopping.
He went out into the crowded streets of Konoha, and immediately noticed that something was up.
"I thought you loved me, Sasuke-kun!" cried a sorely-mislead girl.
"How dare you betray us, Sasuke-kun!" snarled a group of stalkers.
"I just want you to know that I respect your decision, Sasuke-kun, and will no longer hide in the bushes to take pictures of you," nodded a middle-aged woman. (Sasuke shuddered violently that one.)
"You free right now? Wanna go get coffee?"
Sasuke froze. That was definitely a male voice. The one thing that made Sasuke visibly uneasy was getting hit on by other men. Women, he could handle. Men...no. So he froze, and after several wordless tries was able to spit out a "Hell. NO!"
Sasuke walked slightly faster after that, but this new torment didn't end. By the time he got to the market, he'd been cussed at by five groups of acclaimed fangirls and hit on by over ten men. Not to mention, he was painfully aware of all the weird looks sent his way.
Probably what bothered him the most was the fact that the Uchiha had no idea what the hell he had done to deserve such...treatment.
What the hell! Did everybody go insane at once?? Sasuke thought in bewilderment after punching out a guy who asked to "spend the night" with him.
It was even worse at the market. It was...everywhere! Angry women and horny men all around him... Sasuke was feeling claustrophobia seeping into his brain. Eventually, it got so bad that Sasuke used a genjutsu to hide himself just so all the whack-jobs that seemed to sprout up overnight would go away. He was so weirded-out that he didn't want to risk dropping the illusion to pay for his groceries, so he just skipped that part altogether.
Sasuke shuddered as hurried home via rooftops and backstreets, his bag of (stolen) food in his arms. If Uchihas could panic in public, that's exactly what Sasuke would be doing right now. However, since Sasuke was Sasuke, he kept his stoic expression firmly plastered on his face. Inwardly, though, he was freaking out for the first time in years. He had no idea how many gay men there were in Konoha! And why did they wait until now to pop out of the closet? Is it National Gay-Day or something?? Sasuke wondered incredulously. The only thing worse than getting hit on by girls is getting hit on by guys!
Suddenly, Sasuke had an idea! He could read Sakura's diary, and see if it held any clues as to what the hell was going on – after all, every girl is up-to-date on gossip, right? Sasuke nodded to himself, pleased with his reasoning. He decided to pay Naruto a visit after he made dinner and put his groceries away.
It was getting dark by the time Sasuke headed back out. He took the alleys and rooftops again to Naruto's place. When he arrived at the Uzumaki residence, he noticed a group of his fangirls milling about near the front door. Sasuke didn't exactly want to catch their attention, so he chose to sneak in through one of the upper windows. Which of course was very simple, seeing as Naruto never locked anything.
Sasuke found himself in Naruto's bedroom...Naruto's extremelymessy bedroom. Sasuke grimaced as he waded through papers and laundry deep enough to reach his calves. He paused at Naruto's desk. Hm, I could find that diary and leave, and not even have to talk to the dobe, Sasuke thought. He liked that idea. He went to work, rummaging through the drawers. Outdated scrolls, empty ramen packets, dried noodles, some change, quizzes back from the academy days, more old ramen packets...
"Do you ever clean, dobe?" Sasuke muttered and shut that drawer. He opened the next one. Oh...boxers. Sasuke gritted his teeth. Wonderful.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Sasuke stiffened at the high-pitched shriek and barely dodged the bowl of ramen that was hurtled at his head.
...So much for not running into Naruto, Sasuke thought dryly. He turned to face the blond, who was currently thrashing around the room, chucking more stuff at Sasuke while screaming obscenities.
"HELP! HELP, I'M BEING ROBBED! BURGLAR! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU MOTHERF—"
And Sasuke promptly clapped his hand over the spazzing teen. "Shut up, you moron, it's just me."
Naruto thrashed around for a bit, then relaxed when he recognized Sasuke. Then he changed his mind and embedded his elbow into Sasuke's ribs. Of course, the Uchiha was in no way hurt by it, but he did let go of the blond. "Sasuke-teme?! Why're you robbing me??"
"...I'm not robbing you, dobe." ...Okay, so that was technically a lie.
"Well then why the hell are you here?!" Naruto screeched.
"You know, a true ninja shouldn't have to scream like a woman if he finds someone in his house," Sasuke remarked, somewhat avoiding the question.
"HEY! TEME! I do NOT scream like a girl!" Naruto howled.
"Tch, then would do you call it?" Sasuke asked smugly.
"It was...uh...a manly shriek!" Naruto insisted. Then he frowned. "Wait, why were you going through my underwear? Wait! Has Kakashi-sensei corrupted you too?! You're a pervert?!"
Sasuke scowled at his teammate. "...I need to see Sakura's diary."
Naruto reply was immediate. "No."
Sasuke gave him his trademark Glare of Death. "Why?"
"I gave it back to Sakura," Naruto stated simply.
"You didWHAT?!"
"I SAID, I gave—"
"I heard you, dumbass!" Sasuke growled. "Why the hell did you give it back??"
Naruto shrugged. "Why the hell do you need it so badly?"
Sasuke grunted. "Mind your own damn business."
"WHAT!? You break into my house, try and steal my underwear, and ruin my dinner (Naruto pointed to the ramen dripping down the wall), and then tell ME to mind my own business?!" Naruto hollered. "You've got some nerve, teme!"
"Dammit, dobe, I have no interest in your underwear!" Sasuke turned to leave.
"WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?!" Naruto yelled, dead-set on making Sasuke explained himself before he left.
"Sakura's."
Naruto made an exasperated noise. "Would you just tell me what's going on, teme?!"
Sasuke huffed. After a pause, he said, "Something odd is going on."
Naruto quirked an eyebrow. "Including or not including you raiding my house?"
Sasuke sighed. "...Come. I'll show you."
Sasuke lead the way to Naruto's front door, remembering the cluster of fangirls that was there earlier. He took a deep breath, twisted the knob, and flung the door open.
Once the fangirls noticed him standing there, the reaction was instantaneous. They let out a war cry and surged forward.
Sasuke jumped back inside, slammed the door shut, and locked every one of its dozen or so locks. Then he turned to Naruto, whose eyebrows had disappeared into his hairline.
"See?" Sasuke stated. Then he frowned. "...Why the hell do you have so many locks on a door that you never lock?"
"Remember that time I stuck a frog in Sakura-chan's soup and I was afraid she'd gut me once she found out?"
"...Oh."
"So, you think Sakura's diary will have some clue as to why your fan club seems to be trying to murder you?" Naruto asked skeptically. Sasuke grunted, and Naruto took it as an affirmative. "She's not just gonna hand it over, you know."
Sasuke tch'd in irritation. "That's why we're breaking in, idiot."
Naruto tried to hide a look of glee. He failed. "We?!"
Sasuke flinched. He hadn't meant to include the blond. Then again, it would probably be easier with two people. And if something went wrong, Sakura would probably beat Naruto to a pulp and leave Sasuke alone.
"I need somebody to distract her."
"All right!" Naruto cried happily. "I've always wanted to break into a house!"
"...You're a ninja and you've never broken into a house before?"
"Sh-shut up, teme! It just means that I have more morals than you!"
Sasuke smirked. He'd never done it either, but it was just so much fun to tease his blond comrade. "Tch, dobe."
Naruto's eyes suddenly lit up. "Oh! I have an idea!"
"Careful. Don't strain yourself."
Sasuke ducked under the shoe that was hurtled at his head a second later.
"Bastard. Anyways, I'll help you use Sakura-chan's diary to get yourself out of whatever mess you're in, and you can help me use the diary for clues to get Sakura-chan to go out with me! Deal?"
"...That is the dumbest idea you've ever had. And that's saying something, dobe."
"No! It's a great idea, jackass!" Naruto insisted. "You get those pissed off chicks off your ass and I get Sakura-chan! Plus, if I get Sakura-chan, you won't be bothered by her anymore!"
"No. No deal," Sasuke stated, his only reason being... Well, actually he couldn't think of a reason. He just didn't want to.
"Aw, come on, you grouchy old bastard!" Naruto whined. "Why don't you want me to get her? I though you thought she was 'annoying.' ...WAIT! Do you actually like her, teme??"
Sasuke scowled. "Hell no."
"Then why not?? It's like, even though you say you're not interested, you don't want her liking anyone else!"
Sasuke found it below him to retaliate, so he didn't.
Naruto was not finished quite yet. "It's an ego-trip, isn't it?! You just wanna see how many girls you can get to fawn over your scrawny pale ass, don't you?? Leave some for the rest of us, you greedy old coot!"
Sasuke twitched at the "scrawny pale ass" comment. "I'm the same age as you, moron," he growled.
Naruto ignored him and continued to rant for a few more minutes until the raven couldn't stand listening to him anymore. "Oh for the love of God, shut up! I'm not interested in girls."
Silence.
Sasuke frowned. Even though he told the blond to shut up, Sasuke didn't expect him to. Silence around Naruto was not normal. The Uchiha turned to Naruto. Naruto was wide-eyed and gaping at him.
Sasuke felt the urge to roll his eyes. "I'm not interested in guys either, dumbass."
Naruto visibly relaxed. "Oh, okay, good. 'Cause if you were, I think I'd hafta ask you to leave."
Sasuke couldn't suppress a smirk. "Tch, don't flatter yourself. I could do better than you."
Naruto was back to gaping. The apocalypse must be coming... He actually made a—Hey waitaminute, that was a diss
"TEME!!"
"Here's the plan," said Sasuke, looking rather smug.
-Five minutes later-
"Ladieeeeeees..."
Naruto swung open the front door. The blond's only purpose was to act as a distraction, both here and at Sakura's house. In return, Sasuke very grudgingly promised to help the guy hook up with Sakura.
Poor Naruto had no idea what he had gotten himself into.
"THERE HE IS!!"
"GET 'IM!!"
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
They lunged, all nails and curses. Apparently the fangirls were equally pissed at him as well. Naruto had no idea how to react to this. So he ran. Being a ninja, Naruto easily lost the crazed women, but now he too could appreciate the weirdness of the whole thing.
The blond met up Sasuke in a tree behind Sakura's home, adjacent from the kunoichi's window. "You ass!" Naruto complained. "You totally sicced all those angry chicks on me! So not cool!"
Sasuke looked at him. "They're also after you?"
"Well I guess that explains why they were all at my house in the first place," Naruto grumbled. He crawled forward on the tree branch. "I can't see a damn thing from over here!"
"I can," Sasuke muttered, blatantly not even looking at the lighted room.
"Teme! You aren't even looking!"
"...She's changing."
Sasuke was almost shoved off the branch as Naruto practically crawled over him. "Really?? She is? I don't—HEY! You liar, she's just sitting there!"
"I'm going to remember this next time you decide to call me a pervert. Now go ring the doorbell or something."
"No way, I'm not missing out on raiding her room!" Naruto insisted, making a familiar hand seal. A bunshin poofed into existence next on the branch to him. Naruto whispered some instructions in the clone's ear. It gave a mock salute, jumped out of the tree, and ran around the house to ring the doorbell. A moment later, Sakura looked up and exited her room.
Let's go, Sasuke motioned with a jerk of his head. They leapt off the tree and onto the side of the house, using chakra to stay adhered to the vertical surface. Sasuke quickly picked the lock to Sakura's window, opened it, and smoothly slipped inside. Naruto followed not as gracefully. He landed on his ass with a thump.
"Be quiet!" Sasuke hissed.
"It's okay. She won't be back for a while. She's outside," Naruto said, seeming very sure of himself.
Sasuke cocked an eyebrow.
"I told the other me to tell Sakura-chan that I needed help shopping for a present for you."
Sasuke gave him a weird look. "...It's not my birthday."
"Yeah, and it's not Christmas either. I hope she buys it," Naruto replied lazily, flopping on the bed. He ran a hand under the pillow and yelped as it encountered several kunai. "Damn! That's not a diary!"
"Buys what? Your story or my present?"
"Both would be nice. As if I'd get you anything otherwise," Naruto shrugged and hopped off Sakura's bed. "So...where do you think this diary is?"
"Just look everywhere," Sasuke said, sifting through a stack of books. Sakura's room was much cleaner than Naruto's.
Naruto opened a drawer. Socks. He poked around, closed it, and opened the next one.
Sasuke meanwhile had finished going through all the books and scrolls, and joined Naruto in looking through Sakura's drawers. Sasuke closed a drawer full of nothing but old schoolwork and a rusty shuriken and opened the one next to it.
"Hey! You found panties!" Naruto exclaimed gleefully. "What is it with you and underwear?"
Sasuke slammed the drawer shut, glaring darkly. He moved away to look through her desk.
"But it might be in there!" Naruto protested. The blond reopened the drawer. "Ooh, a thong! I'm keeping this!"
Sasuke was getting his "too-much-Naruto" headache. He closed his eyes and massaged his temples.
"Hey, a lacy bra!"
"Dobe, could you please try focusing?!" Sasuke snapped, fingers still on his temples.
He heard a poof, and turned around to find a very naked girl with blonde pigtails attempting to fasten the bra over her boobs.
"What the hell are you doing??"
"Damn, it's too small!" complained Naruto in a very feminine voice.
Bringing Naruto was definitely a mistake, Sasuke decided. He shook his head in disgust and turned his back.
"Oh well. It's probably more your type, Sasuke," Naruto said with a smirk in his voice. He poofed back to a fully-clothed male.
Sasuke closed the jewelry box he had been looking through. He wasn't even listening to Naruto. In fact, he was flat-out ignoring the blond. Unfortunately he shouldn't have, because when Naruto tackled him from behind, his ninja-sense didn't even kick in.
"Unnph!" Sasuke grunted as he hit the ground. He twisted around to beat the snot out of Naruto when he realized that something felt...weird. Sasuke looked down at himself to see that somehow, someway, Naruto had managed to secure Sakura's bra around his very male chest.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
Naruto tilted his head and gave him a thumbs-up. "Yeah, you can definitely pull off that look."
Suddenly, Itachi was no longer at the top of Sasuke's hit-list.
I figured that as Naruto gets older, his prankster ways reach an all new level. And I think Sasuke's too emotionally-repressed to really counter it. So that was my interpretation of that. Really hope it worked...
I think this was the longest chapter I have ever written. Nine pages of single-space. Do you have any idea of how much I wish I could write like this for my Composition class?
Anyways, hope you enjoyed it! Reviews equal love!