Sorry for the long-ass wait, guys. I was just at a point in my life with end-of-the-year coursework that if I so much as looked at another word document, my laptop was gonna go through the window. Hooray, college. But now it's over and I can get back to the things that matter in life. Like fanfiction. And sleeping till noon. (Which sadly will not be happening too often, as I now have a job. Pooey.)
College was amazing fun though. I mean, how many 18-year-olds can honestly say they've performed major surgery?? (Pre-vet equals pure win!)
And then this chapter was sorta floating around in beta-limbo land for like three weeks... (My beta... Where did you gooooo?) So it's un-beta'd for the moment. If there are any glaring errors/plot holes/awkwardness...please let me know!
A'ight, now onto the chapter! Please bear with me; I sorta forgot where the plot was supposed to be heading sooo...yeah. Like for example, I completely forgot about that festival I mentioned like 4 or so chapters ago... –sweatdrop–
...And thus ends prolly the largest A/N in the history of A/Ns. Read and Review no Jutsu!
(By the way...to any guys who may be reading this...I apologize in advance...)
Who Says Konoha is Peaceful?
Chapter Seven: The Bomb
Naruto plopped down on his atrociously orange and lumpy couch, a bowl of ramen clutched in his hands. Sasuke had absolutely refused to sit on the thing, opting instead to stand opposite of the blond, against the wall, arms crossed and glaring daggers at nothing in particular.
"Hey bastard, you want some ramen?" Naruto tried. He received the infamous Uchiha Look of Death.
Apparently Sasuke was still sore over the "flying solo" comment.
"Oh come on! I said I was sorry!" Naruto whined between mouthfuls of the hot steamy goodness that was his ramen.
Sasuke scoffed. "You did not."
"Yay!" Naruto cheered. "You're talkin' to me again!"
Sasuke moved his glare over to Naruto's cheery face. "I hope you understand that I'm an avenger and will therefore have revenge on you? Oh such revenge I shall have..."
Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever, I'd expect nothing less. Now get over here, we've got a diary to read!"
A moment of hesitation. Then in one swift movement, Sasuke strode over, seized Naruto's ramen and flipped the bowl into the blond's lap.
"EEEEYYAHHH!"
Naruto then proceeded to hop around squealing Hot! Hot! for several minutes before settling down and glaring back at Sasuke. "Okay, you feel better now, bastard?"
Sasuke grinned smugly and sat on the ugly orange couch. "Yes, much."
Five minutes later, after Naruto had shed his ramen-ified clothes for a simple net shirt and froggy pajama bottoms (a combination that made Sasuke raise a disapproving eyebrow), the two shinobi were seated side-by-side, leafing through Sakura's diary. This of course was accompanied by a quick argument that involved shoving, brief biting, improper use of chopsticks, and a houseplant that doubled as a projectile weapon – all due to the fact that Naruto wanted to continue from where they left off and Sasuke just wanted to find out the latest gossip involving his fangirls' (and fanboys') sudden transformation. Naruto won only because the latter three attacks were uniquely his and Sasuke wasn't quite sure how to react to someone trying to shove chopsticks up his nose. How Sakura's diary made it through the battle unharmed was a miracle.
Dear Diary,
Man, today sucked! We had a mission yesterday, and I was totally horrible! I'm so mad! How can I stop myself from freezing up?? I mean, I'm training way more than usual, but really it's all just medical stuff. I need to actually find some time to get out to the practice grounds. Think Tsunade will let me have a day off? Maybe I'll just ask her when she's drunk, that seems to work. With all that drinking and gambling and snoozing during important meetings, sometimes I wonder why she's Hokage. Oh well, at least I can take some bizarre comfort knowing that if-slash-when Naruto becomes Hokage, he won't show up to work drunk off his ass.
Naruto cheered. Sasuke told him to shut up and that showing up to work sober was not that great of an accomplishment. Naruto scowled at him and turned the page.
Dear Diary,
Have you SEEN Hinata?! Her boobs are like five times bigger than mine now! Dammit, it's not fair!! I must find out what they feed that girl over in the Hyuuga household! But knowing them, it's probably something hugely expensive that I couldn't afford anyways. It's not fair! How do I get my boobs to grow bigger?! I mean, I'm just as flat-chested as...as...as like Sasuke or something!
...That's really depressing, huh?
Sasuke shifted uncomfortably.
"Did they really? Damn, I gotta start paying more attention to Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed excitedly. "Hey Sasuke, you notice anything about Hinata's—"
"No."
Naruto suddenly grinned evilly and started to open his mouth—
"If you say what you're thinking of saying, I swear I'll cut out your larynx," Sasuke threatened. He even drew a kunai to prove that he wasn't kidding.
Naruto shut his mouth. He then grinned again and made a mental note to study Hinata next time he saw her. He also made a mental note to most definitely get Sasuke another bra for his next birthday, and then escape to Suna where Gaara would hopefully save him from any subsequent assassination attempts.
Dear Diary,
ARGH! Today was absolutely atrocious!! I started my period right in the middle of training!! Could the timing possibly be ANY WORSE?! ... Actually, it did get worse... You know what the absolute WORSE, WORSE part was? Sasuke-kun definitely saw the spot, and definitely started freaking out! He thought I'd like gotten injured and kept trying to help me! Though as an afterthought, that's kinda sweet, huh? But still! It was embarrassing as hell! And ooooh I hurt so much! It feels like someone taking a rusty ice pick to my guts! And we're out of tampons too; I gotta run to the store.
I need chocolate. And a punching bag. And some sort of sappy movie. And some popcorn. And more chocolate.
Naruto had pretty much just skimmed over the reading about halfway through the second complete sentence. Sasuke was apparently a glutton for punishment, as he had read the whole entry and was now sitting with his back to Naruto and his face in his hands.
"Um...Sasuke?" Naruto piped up in a small voice. "You okay?"
Sasuke produced a rather odd noise and offered no further answer. Naruto continued to stare at Sasuke for a moment and then smirked. "Y'know, I've decided that seeing you all embarrassed and stuff is probably one of the most amusing things on the planet. We should do this more often!" Naruto commented helpfully.
How dare that blond fool be so impervious to...to such... Sasuke sent Naruto another death glare.
Naruto laughed and shrugged. "I'm immune to those, just so ya know."
"Go to hell, dumbass," Sasuke responded. "We should have just started on the last page like I said. I'm sick of reading the babblings of some moody girl. I've wasted enough time here as it is."
Naruto translated that as Sasuke basically saying that he was too socially-retarded to handle a bit of girl-talk and even though Sakura was a dear teammate, the Uchiha kept making himself an easy target for teasing – and we certainly cannot have that now can we? Oh well. I suppose he's suffered enough for one day, Naruto reconciled to himself.
"Fine, fine teme. No need to get your panties in a bunch," Naruto waved one hand nonchalantly. He relinquished the diary and Sasuke promptly beat him over the head with it.
"OW! BASTARD!"
"Dobe," Sasuke responded per tradition. He flipped through Sakura's diary until he got to the most recent entries. Finally, there would be some light shed on the whole fangirl/fanboy mess!
Dear Diary,
I'm glad to have you back, but I have some horrible news... (Btw, just what the hell were you doing in that bush??)
It seems as though my chance with Sasuke-kun is basically not going to happen. It's not fair! I tried so hard and did so much to attract his attention! I mean, I guess I'm sorta happy that he's found someone to love, but why couldn't it be me?? Am I too weak? I guess he's the type who could only accept someone that can fight at his level... Though I guess the fact that I am FEMALE doesn't help either, huh? Well, I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself. You're prolly wondering just what happened, aren't you, Diary? Well, I'm going out to the café with Ino, so I'll tell you when I get back...
"Damn, this woman just blathers on forever," Sasuke grumped.
"Hey, hey! No dissin' Sakura-chan!" Naruto interjected.
"And what the hell does she mean "found someone to love"?? What shit is that?" Sasuke snarled at the pink book.
"Well, you know how those fangirls of yours are. One of 'em prolly started a rumor or something," Naruto suggested. Sasuke huffed in indignation and turned the page.
Okay Diary, I'm back now. Well, to make a long, painful story short, Ino and I compared notes and have discovered that Sasuke-kun and Naruto are...well, INVOLVED (the word was underlined several times). I mean, it's not bad enough that Sasuke-kun is gay, he chose NARUTO of all people! Now BOTH of my teammates are off-limits! If it was just Sasuke-kun, I could've settled with Naruto! He's a great guy too! But NOOOOOO!! Dammit, this hurts. I'm always left behind! I wish it wasn't true... And now, to make things even worse, some girls overheard me and Ino talking, and now the news has spread like whoa. And I think Naruto is flaunting it!! Earlier, he asked me to come with him to get Sasuke-kun a present. It's not his birthday or anything! That was mean, Naruto...even though I doubt you did it on purpose since you aren't a bastard like that. And Sasuke, I thought you wanted to revive your clan?? I'm sorry, were you ABSENT on the day of sex ed where we learned that babies are NOT created through buttsex??
Augh, I need a drink. A strong drink. I don't even drink, and I need a drink.
Naruto wasn't quite sure he'd read that correctly. A quick glace at Sasuke – whose expression was one of gaping, wide-eyed horror – confirmed that yes, yes he had read that correctly.
Sasuke slowly looked up from the harbinger of doom that was disguised as a cute, sparkly-pink notebook. He and Naruto stared at each other, sharing the same stunned speechlessness for a long moment. Then they realized how close together they were sitting.
"Get away!!"
"GYAAH!!"
A flurry of movement. Naruto toppled over the armrest as Sasuke violently shoved him away and practically flew off the couch.
"So I was right, you do like guys?!" Naruto exclaimed, holding the now-forming lump on his head.
"WHAT?! I do not!" Sasuke objected.
"But Sakura-chan said so!" Naruto whined. "Sakura-chan isn't a liar!"
Sasuke made an irate and exasperated movement with his arm. "Dumbass, in case you missed it, she said you were gay too! And that we...we're..."
Naruto waved his hand nonchalantly. "Oh, she must've been just kidding. Ooh, hey! Are you...blushing??"
"NO!!"
"I think you aaaaare!"
"I am not!!
"Yeah, you're all flushed-lookin'!" Naruto waggled his eyebrows.
"I'm...flushed...with anger!" Sasuke insisted.
"Mmmm, yeah I totally believe you," Naruto nodded unconvincingly.
Next thing Naruto knew, he was across the room, on the ground. The blond vaguely registered a door slamming shut as he nursed the new lump on his head from where he had been reacquainted with the hardwood floor. After the stars cleared, Naruto picked himself up and looked in the direction of the noise.
The bathroom. Sasuke had locked himself...in the bathroom. In any other situation, that would be hilarious. But seeing as it arose from the realization that probably half of Konoha thought by now that they were gay together, the entertainment value was totally obliterated. No, Naruto was not gay, and he didn't really think Sasuke was either; he was only teasing the Uchiha because comedy was his defense mechanism. The fact that Sakura thought he and Sasuke were bum-buddies was definitely not a Good Thing. How the heck was he supposed to win the woman's heart if she thought he was with the guy SHE liked??
Well, at least now he knew what had gotten into the girls from earlier.
Naruto returned to the couch. He sat there awkwardly for a few moments until a small creak got his attention. The blond turned to see his bathroom door opened a crack and a sliver of Sasuke's face peeking through.
"...Go get me a rope."
Naruto blinked. "Er... Why?"
"I need to hang myself."
"Oh, quit being a drama queen. It's not that bad, is it?" Naruto drawled. He might have taken Sasuke more seriously, had the Uchiha not usually threaten to hang himself like every other week.
Sasuke looked Naruto up and down. "Yes. Yes, it is that bad. Rope?"
Naruto just rolled his eyes. He took a bizarre comfort in knowing that as long as Itachi was still around, Sasuke wouldn't try anything. "Oh, get out here, Emo-Boy; we need to figure out what to do about this."
Reluctantly, and equipped with a good number of death-glares, Sasuke exited the bathroom and moved to stand over in the corner furthest from Naruto. There was silence for a few uncomfortable moments as the two shinobi looked pointedly at away from each other.
"Sooo..."
"Hn."
"We're in deep shit, aren't we?"
"You do realize what this means, right?" Sasuke said with a scowl. It meant that they needed to plan a way out of this. And the only reason Sasuke was allowing Naruto to participate in the planning – Sasuke refused to use the word "help" – was because the prankster was famous for getting himself out of deep shit. Sasuke figured he could take advantage of that. Now all they needed to do was think up the plan itself. Preferably a way that did not significantly harm Sasuke's dignity or reputation – meaning that doing anything like randomly kissing a woman to prove he was not gay was out of the question.
Naruto nodded seriously. It meant that he needed to use all his prankster luck and skills to come up with a plan. No, not a plan to spontaneously cause everyone to realize his heterosexuality – people were people and would believe what they wanted to, regardless of what he might try to say or do and rumors wore out eventually on their own – but a plan to bring Sasuke's arrogance down a few notches while not burying himself deeper. Basically, he needed a plan to turn a seemingly upsetting situation (that he realistically could not do anything about), into entertainment until the gossipers got tired and moved onto new fodder.
"Yes. I know exactly what this means," Naruto stated.
Sasuke would get over it.
(Hopefully.)
Now, I wanna know how many of you want to see actual pairings in this fict. Realistically, I probably won't be having anything solid, but I'm curious! So now you get to vote!!
A. NaruSaku
B. SasuNaru/NaruSasu (I get a lot of people requesting this)
C. Other (please specify!)
D. I will personally quit your fict if you make it real shonen-ai/yaoi.
E. Any real romance will ruin this!
F. Nothing real, but lots more suggestive-ness!
You can choose like 2. I don't really care lol, this is all for fun.