You will be glad to know that I do not own Harry Potter, and at the corresponding time in the canon universe, Harry is sleeping soundly in the Gryffindor dormitory. However, in this crazed rendition of history, he had just breached the barrier of REM sleep when Bellatrix shook him awake. Something was evidently wrong, as she was rushing around frantically, her eyelid twinging in pain while a sack of ice was affixed to her left wrist with tape, presumably to stop the burning. "I lost track of the date," she began to explain, "Yesterday you would have been on the train. I'll explain everything later, there's not much time!"
"I'm late for school? Is that why you've woken me up? I've already said that I'm not--" Harry started to say, but Bellatrix cut him off.
"You dolt! There's a planned invasion of Death Eaters!" she shouted as if it was completely obvious. Hurrying to pack necessities such as her wand, an extra wand (in case her wand was destroyed), and a plastic imitation of her wand (in case the extra was destroyed), she stubled to the window, and, gripping the sill, whispered, "Oh, holy shit!"
"What?" Harry asked, wondering what she could possibly be looking at. Similtaneously pulling a robe over her nightgown, she grabbed him by the back of his hair and forced his head out the window, facing upward to the round, full moon. A surge of realization came over him, and Bellatrix nodded, almost as if to tell him he was right--Voldemort would be using werewolves. He pocketed his wand and reached for his broomstick, but Bellatrix shook her head, taking hold of his hand and practically dragging him down the stairs. As she slammed the door behind them while they exited the premises, they could hear a faint segment of Mrs. Black's screaming idiosyncrasy, a word that here means 'habit particular to a specific person'. "Bella, what are you--?" he started, but Bellatrix was apparently practicing her own idiosyncrasy of cutting him off mid-question.
"I'm not going to let you pilot that broom, I'll be scared senseless," she declared. "Alohamora!" The door of a nearby Muggle automobile unlocked, and Harry and Bella got inside, the latter raising an eyebrow at the Texas licence plates. "Fenrir Greyback will be coordinating the attack. He's trying to build a werewolf army. Bloody psychopath, he is, even moreso in bed...I'm kidding!" Bellatrix added in response to Harry's look of shock, which only turned more shocked that Bellatrix would dare joke in the given situation.
Harry was once again filled with questions. "Wait, we're stealing a car?" he shouted, while Bellatrix tried to quiet him and prevent the waking of nearby Muggles. "Why didn't I know about this sooner? How are we--BELLA! YOU'RE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!"
"I'm also driving on the wrong side of the car," Bellatrix spat irritably, leaning under the dashboard and muttering incantations. Her head seemed to have collided with the gas, and Harry was forced to grab the wheel to prevent a hindering crash. When at last Bellatrix grabbed hold of the steering wheel again, she pressed the gas harder than ever, but rather than go plowing through one solid object after another, it took flight. Harry clung to the open window as the wind forged its way into the vehicle, taking an occasional glance at the vacant-eyed Bellatrix. "Voldemort dropped some heavy hints about how he keeps coming back," she droned, "and, thirsting for information, I paid him a rather hefty bribe for more. It seems that he's somehow able to stick pieces of his soul into stuff, and that locket you saw had some of him in it." Like many things Harry considered to be of great importance, Bellatrix spoke it as if it was simple, obvious, and relatively uninteresting.
"How much did you pay him?" Harry asked. Bellatrix remained silent, pushing so hard on the gas pedal that he was surprised it hadn't broken yet. Her eyes narrowed and she clenched the wheel, biting her lip as if she'd been insulted. A loud thump resounded off the roof; Harry was certain they had just crashed into a large bird. Bellatrix continued to speed, though the unwarranted tension slowly faded, and soon they found themselves hovering above the glassy surface of the black lake, with its pinpricks of light from the car's headlights. A light mist obscured the air, and it would have been rather romantic if it wasn't for Bellatrix's reckless driving.
"Where should I park?" Bellatrix asked, craning her neck, looking for somewhere to land.
"My Uncle Vernon looks for the 'dream spot'...right by the door, see?" Harry suggested, struggling to see through the rapidly thickening mist.
"No, there are trolls right there," Bellatrix explained flatly. "Well, that means the protective enchantments will have fallen..."
"You mean we could have just Apparated?" Bellatrix grinned sheepishly while Harry shook his head. "Move in cocentric circles until you find a spot," Harry advised, not having a clue what he was saying. Apparently, neither did Bellatrix, for she headed towards a random and obscure patch of grass. Harry winced slightly, preparing for a rough park, but Bellatrix screamed in fright, and with good reason: Dementors were significantly more problematic than a potential car crash.
Harry froze, reaching for his wand, but Bellatrix was determined to beat him to it. Seeing as to his knowledge, she couldn't produce a corporeal Patronus, he held her back, insisting that he hold off the Dementors. "You just drive!" he shouted, but Bellatrix evidently had something to prove.
"I'll do it, you can take the wheel," she commanded. Harry, as one might imagine, was too anxious to steer. He watched Bellatrix lean out the window with white knuckles. Though she was clearly shaken as the Dementors swooped around her, eager to feed off of her haunting experiences, she closed her eyes in concentration, and then...
"Expecto patronum!" A great, shaggy dog leapt from the tip of Bellatrix's wand, charging at the Dementors, driving them further and further away. Bellatrix slumped against the side of the wall, exhausted, as she'd been so flustered she didn't realize she'd channeled magic through a plastic imitation of a wand. Sirius, Harry thought, the single word echoing in his mind as he gazed with pride at Bellatrix's dog Patronus, but the extasy did not last long: with no one steering the car, it veered through the air, Hogwarts growing larger and clearer as they approached, until it finally hit the side of the building with a deafening crash. "So this is how it feels to be Crucio'd into insanity," Harry shakily mumbled, Bellatrix sighed, glad the dreadful drive was over, and somewhere in the Great Hall, in the midst of a frenzy of screams, Alecto Carrow jumped and exclaimed, "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT?"
"Re-enforcements," Voldemort answered with a knowing smirk.
Severus Snape averted his eyes to the source of the crash with disinterest. Glancing at his master, he muttered with an air of satiefied sarcasm, "I told him not to let the Lestranges drive."
"Now, the plan was that me and Dolohov would arrive, but he would be disguised as you," Bellatrix explained hastily as Harry listened. "This whole battle is a diversion, along with a recruiting mission, if you think about it. The real Harry Potter is supposed to be halfway to Brazil by now, but what the Malfoys don't realize is they've been passed Dolohov, tied up, and Polyjuiced to look like you, who they're now transporting by a series of Portkeys. Just act like you would during a battle, but don't injure anyone too bad, or both sides will suspect something."
Peering at the clock, Harry exclaimed, "You took care of all of this before three in the morning?"
As they opened the car doors, Bellatrix nodded, moving quickly to avoid being noticed. "Imperius Curse...oblivious brother-in-law...yeah," she stammered. "Don't get your hopes up, though, the worst has yet to come."
Still shaken from the impact of the crash, they staggered towards an open window, hand-in-hand. Harry knew for a fact from the screaming inside the school that the worst had indeed yet to come, but with Bellatrix at his side, it was all okay. He grasped her hand tighter, smiling at his own foolish thoughts. The situation was, in fact, anything but okay, as even if they were to succeed, Voldemort's soul could very well be scattered around the world within random objects, but on the other hand, Bella's teachings were sure to come in handy, and, as long as she was there with him, for reasons he couldn't entirely explain, everything was, it a twisted way, okay.