CHAPTER TWO
We Want The Best Grades! The Shit Hits The Fan!
Dear Diary,
We've actually managed to survive for a few weeks here. I thought after the scene with the shotgun, we'd all end up in front of the firing squad! And I mean the WHOLE FUCKING SCHOOL! Anyway, we're starting exams today, so I gotta go. Bye!
Luigi.
PS: Remind me if life is worth living. Oh, wait, you're a journal.
SCENE ONE
"I'll Give It My All!" What The Fuck Is An All?!
Lunch hour. Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, and Fox1 are talking about the exams. Or rather, complaining about them.
Yoshi: This sucks! These exams made me do something I've never done before!
Fox: And what's that, Yoshi?
Yoshi: Throw up!
Fox: Holy Shit! You've gotta be sick, man!
Luigi: I'm probably not gonna do so well.
Mario: Yeah, but I shall do the best I can! I plan on putting my full force into passing these tests with flying colors!
Luigi: Oh, great, talking about drugs again.
Yoshi: I think these tests are fucking with my mind. I just heard Mario say he wants to pass a test.
Fox: So? What's the problem with that?
Yoshi: I dunno. Ah, well, it doesn't matter.
Mario: Well, alright then. I expected you to make some long tirade, where I would not interrupt at all, but I guess this is nice.
SCENE TWO
"I Can Make An Exception For You."
On Thursdays, the volleyball team would practice in the gym. However, no one on the male team actually played, cause it would be retarded. Fox was amazed to see Falco in the gym, attempting to not draw all the attention towards himself.He slantered2 over to Fox, casually producing a towel from nowhere.
Falco: Here, you're sweating.
Fox: No, I'm not—
Falco: Take it or I'm gonna cry.
Fox: Um, alright.
Fox takes towel. God kills a kitten. God realizes his mistake. Jesus eats a monkey. I'm done now.
Fox: Alright, now, let's commence with the long, drawn out introduction.
Falco: Yes, let's… Um, I can't think of anything.
Fox: Doesn't matter. Now, why this interruption?
Falco: I came to see you.
Fox: I can see that from your presence here. Are you expecting to engage in intelligent conversation?
Falco: Indeed, fair colleague. It has come to my attention that you, my dear and closest acquaintance, have been, as you would say, "hanging out," with the most recent additions to our fair house of education and edification. In short, you've been talking to the new kids.
Fox: Fo shizzle, my… um… I can't think of a gangsta version of "eagle." But anyway, yeah, I've been hanging out with them. So?
Falco: That Mario kid has been bragging about how he'll get the highest scores on the test.
Fox: And?
Falco: I don't like it! He's trying to challenge me! He's a big bully!
Fox: Yeah, that's Mario. But how do you think I'm gonna help?
Falco: I want to know his weak points, perhaps an invisible force pushing him forward.
Fox: Yeah, I know, I think he's wants to impress a girl.
Falco: How'd you know that? In the previous scene, you…
Fox: Please, Falco. Fourth wall breaks make me nauseous.
Falco: Sorry. Anyway, who is this girl?
Fox: Some slut named Peach.
Falco: Oh, yeah, I heard of her. Ain't she that girl who thinks everyone likes her?
Fox: Yeah. Well, he likes her. And he's gonna try to get high scores so he can impress her. I don't know why he doesn't just talk to her. She's messed up as it is.
Falco: Well, if he's gonna try to beat me, then the fight is on! The tests are a battle, and in battles there are enemies!
Fox: Enemies? Does this mean we have to be enemies too?
Falco: Haven't you heard of fuckin' diplomacy? I can make an exception for you.
SCENE TWO: Finally, they use the actual quotes!
Fox: What was that?
Falco: Sometimes the scene headings talk.
Just then, the large and very, very not nice at all coach, Gannon, strode over to the two page stealers.
Ganon: Hey, practice is over! I told everyone to fuck off!
Falco then used his fearsome Lombardi Stare of Death in 3-D.
Falco: Oh, have you got a problem with us being here?
Ganon returned fire with the Deadly Stare of the Disciples of Chuck Norris.
Ganon: Yes, I do.
Falco's jaw drops. He shrivels up into a ball.
Fox: Wow, I never knew you were a disciple of Chuck Norris.
Ganon: Out of fifty, I was one of the six survivors.
Fox: Well, I guess I'm carrying him home.
Ganon: No, I'll throw him.
Fox: Um… All right.
Fox exits the gym. As he's walking away, he sees Gannon throw Falco through an open window.
Fox: Oh man, that was scary…
SCENE THREE
Opponents? We don't need no steenking opponents!
What Fox only speculated was now news throughout the entire school. Everyone knew Mario was trying to impress Peach. And everyone knew how to get free porn on the internet. Mario can't hide it any longer, so he decides to tell his friends, who respond a little somefing a-like this:
Yoshi: That's fucking stupid, Mario. She's messed up in the brain area.
Luigi: Yeah, Mario. You coulda just asked her.
Mario: Guys, I'm over here. That's a cardboard cutout.
Yoshi: Oh. Sorry. Well, anyway, even though she's so fucked up, she does have one would-be suitor.
Luigi: Wait. Mario wants to impress her, and she also has a would-be suitor? Who the fuck is the idiot?
Yoshi: None other than Good Ol' Fuckser.
Mario: Bowser! I knew there'd be trouble with him! But I shall fight him in the name of true love!
Yoshi: What's that? Some kinda energy drink?
Luigi: Although I agree with you, Yoshi, you can be really cynical at times.
Yoshi: Well, you wanna get into the top ten, huh?
Mario: Yeah.
Yoshi: Well, do you know about this school's grading system?
Mario: No.
Luigi: Ugh, does this mean another explain-it-all monologue, Yoshi?
Yoshi: What do you mean "Another"? They're barely even monologues! Look, this film will show you.
Yoshi sat the ever-eager Mario down on the floor, and promptly pulled a screen, reel of film, and film projector out of hammerspace. Evil, Satanic hammerspace.
Yoshi: Now watch.
Yoshi flipped the projector on, and a venerable old educational movie from the early 50's came on.
Film: So You Wanna Get Into The Top Ten, Huh?
A large humanoid rabbit appears on the screen.
Rabbit: Hello. I'm Peppy O'Hara, and I'm here to tell you how to get into the top ten of your school's grading system!
Mario: Wow!
Peppy: Whoa, indeed! Now then, this famous grading system has been around since ancient Roman times, when Fuckcrates came up with the "Top Ten" grading system.
A man in a toga and a centurion appear on the screen. They speak entirely in Latin. There are no subtitles. Eventually, Yoshi loses his patience, and kicks the projector over.
Yoshi: Alright, screw the video!
Peppy: Fuck the video indeed!
Yoshi: Shut up! Anyway, I'll keep it blunt. The highest scores get into a top ten of sorts.
Mario: Alright, that's easy.
Yoshi: Yeah, but there's competition. There's Falco, and Link, and that Zelda girl, and some otha muthafucka named Toad. Yeah, that Toad gets Number One most of the time. And there's also Wario.
Mario: Who's that?
Yoshi: He's just some rich kid. He probably bribes his way into the top ten.
Mario: Um, alright, I'll watch out for him.
Just then, the poor Slippy ran over to Mario and handed him a note.
Mario: Wow, he's got basic motor skills again! That's an improvement!
Mario looked at the note. It appeared to be some kinda love letter. He opened it. It read:
Dear Mario,
Help! I'm drowning on the roof! Save me! I'm gonna die at 12:00!
Sincerely,
Sven.
Mario: Oh shit! Sven's in trouble! We've gotta go save him!
Yoshi: Relax. Sven said he's not gonna die until 12:00.
Speakers: Attention, worms! We have abandoned the Gregorian Calendar in place of the Hebrew Calendar! It is now 11:59 on Tuesday, Shevat 12. School will be out on the 15th to celebrate Tu Bishvat. Back to work!
Yoshi: Whoa, You'd better go save Sven, Mario—
Like that, Mario was headed towards the roof. However, roofs are not simply places where you go to meet people, and Mario soon found himself in front of a locked door.
Mario: Goddamn fucking piece of punk-ass fucking shit! If you don't open up…
Postal Dude: Hi.
Mario: Oh, um, hello, Mister… um… Dude.
Postal Dude: Ya know, a small C4 charge might be able to open that.
Mario: Really? Could you do it?
Postal Dude: Sorry, all out. But I can kick locked doors open.
The Dude then kicked the locked door open.
Postal Dude: There'll be another door at the top.
Mario and The Dude started walking up the stairs.
Postal Dude: So, you wanna sign my petition?
Mario: What's it for?
Postal Dude: To get whiney congressmen to play violent video games.
Mario: Nah, not right now.
Postal Dude: Come on, give me a fuckin break. Will it be you or your surviving family members?
Mario: Hey, watch it. My dad Vito could kick your ass.
Postal Dude: Just let me open the fucking door, alright?
He kicked open the door at the top of the stairs. Mario ran out shouting.
Mario: Sven! Sven! Oh god, I'm too late!
Postal Dude: Who's Sven?
Mario: … I don't know.
Oh, I'm sorry, Sven isn't here.
Mario and the Dude turned to see where the voice came from. There they saw a tall, slim figure, wearing an Edwardian jacket and bowler hat. It was Wario!
Mario: Who are you?
Wario: My name is Sir Edward Warrington Rothschild Smithson O III. Everyone calls me Wario, but that makes me cry.
Mario: Well, what do you want?
Wario: I have—
Just then, Ludwig rudely interrupted the nice man.
Ludwig: We are here to declare war on you, Mario!
Wario: I wouldn't exactly say war, Ludwig, but indeed, we are here to at least threaten you.
Mario: Well, why this break in our time of peace?
Ludwig: You plan to steal Peach away with impressive grades!
Mario: Hey, I never said that! She's fucked up in the brain area! Why would I want her?!
Wario: We digress, Mario. I wish to tell you that I can bribe the teachers into giving me high grades, so I can also bribe them to give you low grades! Ha! Pwned!
Mario then noticed a sleek, shiny thing over in the corner. He then slyly said:
Mario: Well, who exactly do you bribe?
Wario: Oh, just Headmaster Andross. Oh, and by the way, that camera doesn't work! No one knows we had this conversation! Ha ha ha!
Postal Dude: Um, hello, teacher here!
Wario: Oh snap. Oh snap. Oh Pokemon snap. Well, I guess this war is over, with your victory—
Ludwig: Never! We shall keep on fighting until one of us is dead! And that shall be you, Mario! Goodbye!
Ludwig took a small device out of hammerspace, pressed a button, and disappeared.
Wario: Um, listen, I had nothing to do with this, alright? You can squeal on Andross if you want. I don't care.
Mario: Okay, sure.
SCENE THREE
Lies Exposed! Now They Can Get Rid Of The Turrets! Evil, evil turrets…
(The exams ended, and everyone was waiting for the results. Mario's advisor,
Isaac Kleiner, was busy fumbling through notes, looking for the test results.)
Kleiner: Well, class, before I give you the results, I should tell you that our principal, Andross, has been fired for accepting bribes. In his place shall be Mr. Peppy O'Hara. Now, where are those results? Wait, this whole pile is the results!
(Everyone in the room fell to the floor in embarrassment.)
Kleiner: Wait, what did I say about face faults?
Class: Sorry, Dr. Kleiner.
Kleiner: Well, just come up and find your sheet.
(Everyone walked up to the pile on the desk. There were cries of happiness and shrieks of horror.)
Falco: Well, I did better this year. Got an 86.
Fox: Yeah, that's neat.
Yoshi: Well, Mario, what did you get?
Mario: I got… a Kurt Cobain.
Kleiner: Yes, that one was graded by Jim. You know Jim, right?
Mario: Yeah. So this is nowhere near the top ten, right?
Kleiner: If Andross was still here, you would be shot out of a cannon into a brick wall.
Mario: That sucks.
(Bowser loudly walked over to Mario.)
Bowser: Mario!
Mario: Sigh. What do you want?
Bowser: I'm warning you, if you try to take Peach away from me, I'll twist your head around until it snaps off!
Mario: Thanks, bye.
Bowser: What? You're not…
Mario: Naw, I'm fine. Screw off.
Teh End
PREVIEW! YAY!
Um, yeah, there's this really big festival that the school is doing, and it's a good place to get sponsors. And, uh, Mario might be able to get Peach in the end, m'kay? Yeah, uh, that's the next episode, The Big Festival. Now, uh, fuck off.