Hi there. It's me, the author. I'm going to do this on all the chapters from now on. What is this, you ask? Well, it's my impression on what went down in the chapter while I was writing. I'm looking back because I just finished the story. I mean it. I'm fucking DONE! Now I'm just uploading. Anyhoo, I got nothing to say 'cept for that this chapter is kinda sorta mean. Whatev. Enjoy.
CHAPTER THREE
The Big Festival! When Will The Two Part Titles Cease?!
Dear Diary,
We're preparing for the school festival. It's this really big thing that the school does every year, and it even attracts wealthy sponsors. I don't know what they're sponsoring, though. Ah well, I guess it doesn't matter.
Luigi
SCENE ONE
Preparing For The Festival! The Space Club Gets Fucked Up Even More!
At a meeting before the festival, Kirk was talking to the members of the space club.
Kirk: All, right. For, this, year's, festival, we're, going, to, steal, the… parts, we, need, for, our, top, secret, machine. But, first, all, members, must be, present. Where's, McCloud?
Fox: I'm already here, Jimmy.
Kirk: Well, that's—
Kirk's assistant, Spock, interrupted.
Spock: Maybe I should take over, sir. Your speaking is highly irregular. Well, anyway, we wanted the Jackass crew here to advertise us, but they used the letter in a different way… but, anyway, we got that Captain Falcon guy here.
Luigi: Who's that?
Spock: It seems he has some children's show.
Luigi: Alright, that's fine.
Spock: And now, we will do the idea drawing. Captain Kirk, would you please give me the hat?
Kirk gave Spock a top hat filled with little pieces of paper.
Spock: And the idea is… a home built spacecraft?
Fox: That's not possible. Building a spacecraft would cost several million dollars, not to mention the fuel prices.
Kirk: It, sounds, like, a, good, idea! Let's, start, building!
Spock: But the festival is only five days away!
Kirk: Then, we, should, get, started, shouldn't, we?
Spock: Yes, sir…
At the music club, things were much more confusing.
Saria: Ha, my warp songs are better than yours!
Zelda: I honestly don't give a fuck. I got over my warp song phase long ago.
Saria: You name it, and I'll guarantee you, it's better than any of yours!
The Cha-Cha-Cha of the Shopping Mall, the Waltz of the Phone Booth!
Zelda: Please shoot me. End the torrent of dumb names.
Saria: Come on, Link, we've got to get to the archery club meeting.
Zelda: It's true! Only God could have stopped that torture! No more atheism for me!
Saria attempted to drag Link away to the archery club, until Link said:
Link: Hey, Saria, stop trying to drag me!
That was a cheap pun. Anyway, when they got to the club, Saria said to the crowd:
Saria: Alright, listen up! The archery club is one of the festival's biggest attractions! So it's good that we have the two handsomest boys in the school—
Falco: Hey!
Saria: Now isn't the time for your ego to interrupt, Falco.
Falco: Actually, I'm much less self-centered now. I just wanted to say to Link that his fly is open.
Link: Oh… wow, thanks, Falco, thanks a lot.
Saria: Now, anyway, we've got a new member of the club. His name is… uh… wait, what was it again… oh, yeah, it's Kiddie Carlos, right?
It was then that a tall, black man in the corner answered. He wore a black suit, and sported a small, black afro and goatee. Jules Winnfield.
Jules: My name's Pit, mothafucka.
(Author's Note: In teh original story, the author happened to include Pit, the main character from Kid Icarus. Only problem was that the author pulled a Captain N. Yes, he called Pit "Kid Icarus." Saria was also so intent on messing up his name, thus creating idiotic, groundless jokes. I replaced Pit with Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction, just cause I felt like it… muthafucka.)
Saria: Oh, sorry. Anyway, we've also got a sponsor this year. It's the
Lon Lon Milk Company!
Link: Got their name cause the owner was drunk.
Saria: So you'll all be wearing their shirts, alright? Good! And we've also got the main attraction: the three Legendary Arrows! The Fire Arrow, The Ice Arrow, and The Light Arrow! With these, we will surely be the star of the festival!
Jules: Just don't get my mothafuckin' name wrong again, mothafucka!
Saria: No problem, Kim Indoorsports!
Jules: I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHAFUCKIN STUDENTS MESSIN' UP MY MOTHAFUCKIN' NAME! PIT! IT'S PIT!
Saria: Um, alright, Pit.
Jules: Oh, please, call me Jules. I'm trying to be the Shepard.
Saria: Um… alright.
(Meanwhile, the cooking club is a scene of pure chaos. Yoshi is desperately trying to keep an army-like feel to the club, but everyone is annoyed by it.)
THIS IS A PARODY! REMEMBER THAT! THIS IS JUST A REMINDER!
Yoshi: All right, troops!
Postal Dude: Oh, come on. Stop it with the military shit.
Mario:
What are you doing here?
Postal Dude: I run around to different
classes.
Yoshi: Quiet, you two! Now listen. The visitors will rely on food to survive, so we will provide that food! Private Kirby!
Kirby: What is it?
Yoshi: At ease. I place upon you, private, the job of making the sweets and pastry! And remember the candy man's secret ingredient: cavities!
Kirby: I thought it was love!
Yoshi: What are you, a fag?!
Kirby: No, but I'm not a homophobe!
Yoshi: Sit the fuck down, private! Private Kawasaki! You will handle the oriental food stand!
Kawasaki: What, I have an oriental name, and you instantly think I know how to make oriental food?
Yoshi: That's the spirit!
Kawasaki: …Fuck…
Yoshi: Private Mario!
Mario: Yeah?
Yoshi: Mario, you will be in charge of making the cuisine of your birth country. In short, you will supply us with Italian food!
Mario: Wait, I'm from Brooklyn. I'm just Italian-American.
Yoshi: What, you don't know how to make Italian food?
Mario: I can't make a shit sandwich.
Yoshi: Well, why'd you join the cooking club then?
Mario: I thought I'd learn how to cook in the process…
Yoshi: Ah, well. That sucks.
Mario: Yeah, I know.
Yoshi: Well, we've gotta end this scene on a high note.
Mario: Naw, I prefer sudden endings.
Yoshi: No! We must have a high note!
SCENE TWO
Yoshi: Shit.
Welcome To Our Stand! Wait, Scene Headings Get Stands? Wow!
SCENE FIVE
Yeah, That's Neat! I Never Knew That!
SCENE TWENTY FIVE
Shut Up! Get Back To Your Places!
On the morning of the festival, a large white truck pulled into the fairgrounds. Out came a young girl with brown hair. She headed towards the archery club's stand.
Malon: Um, excuse me?
Saria: Oh, you're from Lon Lon, ain't ya?
Malon: Yeah, I'm here to supply you with the dairy product you know as milk.
Saria: Bring it around the beck. Hey, that brooch you're wearing, what's with it?
Malon: Oh, it's a family heirloom. My parents said it has the face of my future love on it. O'course they were high when they gave it to me.
Saria: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Meanwhile, the cooking club has teamed up with the kendo club for extra profit. The kendo peoples would cut watermelons in half to sell to thirsty passers-by. Unfortunately, the kendo club wasn't well prepared, and the watermelons usually ended up in tiny little pieces.
Yoshi: They suck. The honestly suck.
Meanwhilst, Mario, Kirby, and Kawasaki were in fierce competition for control of the festival's foodnesses ("I make up silly new word." –Jon Stewart).
Kirby: Get yer sweeties! Lollipops, cake, PIE!!!
Kawasaki: Don't listen to him! Sugar sucks! Get yer oriental food! Ramen noodles, sushi, PIE!!!
Mario: Wood. Eat wood here.
Peach: I like wood.
Mario: Free wood for person.
Yoshi: No give free wood. You pay wood.
Mario: But nice girl like wood.
Yoshi: Brain fucked up in girl. She pay wood.
Mario: You watch wood. I go with her.
Yoshi: Oh kay.
Mario went with Peach over to the archery club's exhibit. Some local band was giving a half-assed cover of Green Day's "Longview".
Peach: Wow. I never knew someone could mess such a great song up.
Mario: Yeah, the parents aren't even bothering to cover the kid's ears.
The band was cut short by a sign from Chuck Norris. Everyone said a Hail Mary before the exhibit started up again.
Saria: All right, everyone! This is the archery club's exhibit, but we're about to make the WHOLE FUCKING FESTIVAL ours!!!
Parents: Watch the childrens!
Saria: Oh, shit. Sorry. Anyway, we're about to show off the archery club's three great treasures: the Legendary Arrows! First, our newest member, the Kind… uh, um…
Jules Winnfield will demonstrate the first arrow: the Fire—
Jules: I ain't gonna fire no mothafuckin' arrow!
Saria: Fine, I'll do it.
Saria aimed at a target and fired the arrow. The target caught on fire.
Saria: Now, Falco will—
Falco: Sorry, I'm a little busy right now!
Saria: Fine, I'll do the second one too.
Saria fired a second arrow. The flames froze over.
Saria: And while I'm at it, I'll fire the last arrow, too.
Saria fired the final arrow. The whole damn thing shattered.
Saria: Okay, now fuck off. We've got milk over… there…
Saria was hesitating because she happened to notice Kenny Rogers and a few friends trying to drink all the milk… and throwing up in the process.
Kenny Rogers: I was raised on the dairy, BITCH!
Saria: Um. No milk. If your kids want milk… too bad.
Mario ran up to the stage for fun and profit.
Mario: FUCK THE WORLD! ANARCHY RULES!!!
Bowser jumped on the stage for pummeling and profit.
Bowser: Mario!
Mario: Oh shit.
Bowser: I swear to fucking God in heaven, If you ever touch that fucking girl again, I will fuckin' kill you!
Parents: Profanities!
Malon climbed up on the stage for love and profit.
Malon: Hey, you!
Mario: Yes?
Malon: No, the ugly one!
Mario: Yes again?
Malon: No, the one with the spikes 'n' all!
Bowser: Yeah?
Malon: Holy Shit! It was true!
Bowser: What, what is it?
Malon: Ya see this pendant? It has your face on it.
Bowser: Whoa. Where'd you get it?
Malon: My parents gave it to me when they were high. They told me it had the face of my future lover on it. But then they thought they could fly and jumped out the window. But, through some complicated story involving Counter-Strike and sex, I've met you!
Bowser: Well, I guess you're with me now.
Malon: Yeah, sure, but you'd better be good in bed…
Bowser: Oh, god…
Mario climbed off the stage as Luigi walked over to him.
Luigi: Well, that trip to the grunge rock stand really got me woken up!
Mario: Ah, Luigi, someday, someone will share your grunge fantasies.
Kirk: Wow. That's, got, to, hurt, hearing, that.
Luigi: You should have seen him say it to Kurt Cobain. Ya know, took a shotgun…
Kirk: Anyway, Luigi. I've, come, to, tell, you, that—
I'll do the talking, sir.
All three guys turned around to see a sexy looking girl standing behind them. She introduced herself.
Samus: Samus Aran, second-in-command of the space club and professional hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold.
Mario: What happened to Spock?
Samus: Died of a drug overdose while having a heart attack and fell off a balcony onto an exploding car bomb, and broke his neck.
Mario: Wow…
Samus: So I took over!
Luigi: Well, what do you want?
Samus: I came for a Luigi. It seems he has to pilot the homebuilt space ship we made.
Mario: What, that flying deathtrap?
Samus: We actually got some help from Professor Bennett, so we're in pretty good shape. So, who's Luigi?
Luigi: Um, Mario is.
Mario: What? No, you're Luigi!
Samus: Ugh, my brain! Look, just come on, red guy!
Mario: But I—
Samus: Shut up!
SCENE THREE
Mario In SPACE!!! The Homemade Pile Of Shit Actually Flies!
At the space club's stand, there were relatively few people.
Mario: Hey, where's that weird childrens guy?
Samus: Um… Spock landed on him.
Mario: Hey, are you a homicidal maniac?
Samus: No! Well… not often…
Samus led Mario around the back to the loading area. There, they found Prof. Walter Bennett and Dr. Stewart engaged in an argument about the paint job.
Stewart: I say it should be pink with little bunnies on it!
Bennett: Christ, Stewart, it doesn't have to be one color and a whole bunch of smaller pictures! Why don't we just paint it blue?
Stewart: …with little chickens on it?
Bennett: No! No animals, characters, or--
Stewart: How about black with little Black Mesa symbols on it?
Bennett: Now you're talking! Let's get to work!
Stewart: Actually, I think it's a bit late to paint it. I mean, it'll just drip off in takeoff, right?
Bennett: Oh dear, you're right. Well, let's just leave it. Okay, now then, Mr. Red Hat, get in.
Mario: I never agreed about this.
Samus walked out to the stage.
Samus: Alright, ladies and gentlemen!
Man: Actually, I'm not gentle. In fact, I'm a rapist.
Samus: Well, who gives a fuck?! Welcome to the space club's stand! This is where we launch the homemade rocket we built!
Postal Dude: What the fuck?
Samus: So, I'll be startin' the countdown now.
Samus pressed a button. A countdown started.
10
Postal Dude: Oh shit, this'll be great, he's gonna fry!
9
Falco: Ya know, Fox, I think it's nice that the countdown waits patiently until we've stopped talking to continue.
Fox: Yeah, I know.
… Oh, are they done? Shit… 8… fuck it…
Stewart: Goodbye, my friend, I knew thee well…
7
Bennett: You know, Stewart, we should probably get out of here before we're fried to a crisp by the heat.
Stewart: No worries. I designed this craft to have the special "No Burn" method seen in
"Curious George Goes to the Moon"
Bennett: But I designed this craft! And I didn't put that in!
Stewart: Oh… We'd better go then…
6
Luigi: God, Mario, if you don't come down dead, you'll be in trouble…
5
Shooter 1: What the fuck, man? The bombs didn't go off!
Shooter 2: Oh shit, I forgot to wire them right!
Shooter 1: What the fuck, man!
Shooter 2: Well, I guess we're going in on foot.
Postal Dude: Hey, what are you… oh…
4
Yoshi: Mario need live. Wood need giver-outer.
3
Nameless Faceless Character: Why hasn't anybody gotten rid of my body?
2
Bowser: I hate you.
1
Captain Falcon: I'M HERE, CHILDREN!!!
FIRE!!!
The ship took off, and Captain Falcon was burned to a crisp.
Bennett: Yes, that's it, Red Guy!
Mario: Um, my name's Mario, and I never got in.
Bennett: Oh… well, that's a bad sign…
Kleiner: Hey, Bennett! Stop this doppelganger nonsense!
Bennett: What?! You stole my look!
(Author's Note: The whole Bennett/Kleiner confusion is because in Half-Life, One particular scientist model was referred to as Walter Bennett, but that same character appeared in Half-Life 2 with the moniker Isaac Kleiner. Dass all.)
Man: Oh shit! The ship's gonna crash!
Saria: Don't worry! The archery club will save us all! Guys, redeem yourselves!
Link: Fire Arrow!
Saria: Yes it is, Link.
Link: But I have to tell everyone what it is before—
Saria: It's a burning arrow. I think they'll know what it is.
Link: Well, it's too late now. The ship's too close.
At that moment, Jules pulled a pistol out of his jacket.
Jules: DIE MOTHAFUCKA!!!
Jules fired, hit the gas tank, and blew the ship up.
Mario: At least there were few people here. Otherwise, the shrapnel--
Shooter 1: DEATH TO THE JOCKS!!!
Teh End
PREVIEW
The Principal has been kidnapped by terrorists. What more do you want?
NOTE: The author is not responsible for any offense or desensitization to violence that may occur from the use of this story.