A/N: This was not an easy one. I felt compelled to do it, and I hope I got it at least close to right.
Sola Naberrie
You were my baby sister. I was supposed to look out for you. But you never needed looking after, did you?
I used to be so jealous of you, Padmé. You were always the smart one, the pretty one, the responsible one. You were a prodigy—how was I supposed to compete? I was pretty, but you were prettier. I was smart, but you were infinitely smarter. I was older, but you were more mature. I used to covet the attention everyone gave you. It wasn't ever easy for me, Padmé, being the sister of Queen Amidala, Senator Amidala, Padmé Amidala, the savior of her people.
But I always loved you. I loved you so much. You were my little sister, and I was so proud of you.
And later on, as we got older… I think I almost pitied you. Isn't that odd? A fairly simple woman living a mundane life feeling sorry for a Queen, a renowned Senator, a woman who supposedly had it all. I think, at that time, you actually became jealous of me, little sister. I couldn't understand it at first—you, with your glamorous lifestyle, envying my normal life with my job and my husband and my little house. It wasn't until Ryoo was born that I started to realize: I was the lucky one. You wanted what I had; you wanted my house and my children and my little mundane life. And you should have had it. The gods know you deserved to have everything you wanted. But you could never quite get there, could you?
You almost had it. That's what makes his hurt so much worse—the fact that you almost had what we all hoped for you, that you were almost so happy. You were going to have a baby. And then this happened, and you never got to know the life you most wanted. It isn't fair. This isn't fair at all.
Damn it, Padmé, why did you do this? How could you let this happen? You promised you'd be careful, that you wouldn't do anything stupid, that you wouldn't take any risks! You promised!
Why did you have to go and get yourself killed? Now, of all times?
You stupid, selfish girl. That's all I keep thinking. You fooled them all into thinking you were so smart, so compassionate, and then you went out and did this. You stupid, selfish girl. I know I should be sad. I know I should be mourning for you. I should be remembering all of the times we shared together and regretting all of the times we never will. But right now, I can't do any of that. Right now, I'm sitting here in front of your poor, empty body with Mom and Grandma and the women who are helping us prepare for the funeral in the morning, and all I can think of is how angry I am with you.
I'm so angry with you, Padmé. You should see what you've done to Mom and Dad. You meant everything to them. They worried about you for years, and now you've made their worst nightmares come true. How could you do this? Mom can't stop crying and Dad walks around like he's lost, like a broken shell of himself. You did that to them. I can't forgive you for it. I hug my little girls and pray that they never hurt me the way you have hurt us all.
You should have been more responsible. You should have been more careful. You were always the one who did everything right, who planned everything out! That was you! Not me! I shouldn't have to clean up the mess you've left behind.
But I'm the big sister. That's my job. I was supposed to look out for you, and the gods know I tried to. I nagged you about working too much. I teased you to keep you from taking yourself too seriously. I took your side when you told Mom and Dad you were married. I took you to the healer when you told me you thought you were pregnant. I promised not to say anything to Mom and Dad because you wanted to tell Anakin first. I believed you when you said you didn't need my help… so I guess I'm angry with myself, too.
You always said you didn't need anybody to look out for you. You never let anyone.
Except Anakin. And that's how I know he's dead now, too. If Anakin were alive, no one could have harmed you; he would have killed them first. He would never have let this happen.
You shouldn't have let this happen. You should have been able to take care of yourself. You should have let us look out for you. You should have come to your family. I know you never thought anything of taking risks. This is your fault.
No, that's not fair. Someone killed you, and I don't believe it was the Jedi. I can't believe it, because I knew your Jedi friends. I hate the person who killed you, my baby sister. I want to know who that person is, and I'm angry with the galaxy that I might never find out.
But most of all, I am angry with you, Padmé. You put yourself in danger. You let yourself be killed. I know you, I know you did. This didn't have to happen, you let it happen. Why did you do this?
Damn it, you promised me, Padmé!
Now you're lying here and you're so cold and still and yet so, so beautiful, and I'm here next to you because I'm your big sister. I love you.
I'm just so, so angry with you.
I'm starting to dread the time when I stop being angry and realize that I've lost you. That I'll never be able to see you or hug you or laugh with you or tease you… And I'll miss you. And then I'll start crying, and all the tears in the world will never be enough.