AN/ … hello… hi… am I still welcome here? I'm sorry it has been son long. I really am. I wish I had updated sooner. I'll tell you what's been going on and why I havn't posted. School for one, I'm taking Chinese and its killer hard, and I was behind and I just didn't do my work so for the past 2 weeks I've been playing catch up, and then before that I was staying at my aunts house, and if you thought my head was in a writing mood it wasn't. far worse.. but were not going into that. Any ways, uh… one other thing, I've been put back on Welbutrin for my depression. I don't think, or at least I hope, it won't hinder this story. I'm trying really hard to keep everything stable and not leave this story, which I wont. I swear on the gorgeousness of Jensen and Jarred's bodies as my witness… lol so yah, here is the new chapter I'm so sorry it took so long. Give me reviews and I promise I'll update soon! Please? Haha thank you for the past reviews. And hehe I hope you like the end of this chapter! So read on all you wonderful people who like to review!
Dean didn't move for the next few hours. His body never once faltered in the ever present exhaustion he felt every night recently. Nothing touched him, nothing but his own mind that jumped from one conclusion to another. His brother, his baby brother, his ONLY baby brother was there not two feet from him, unconscious and bloodied. His wrists were the only brightness in the dark motel room. Deans eyes would drift down to the make shift bandages and then back up to Sam's face, and then back down again. And then back up. It was hard to wrap his head around.
His Sammy had intentionally hurt himself. It wasn't that Dean didn't understand the logic behind hurting oneself, his own hand drifting to his wrist that had its own few scars. He had cut himself, before he had realized how selfish it was. He needed to stay strong for Sam. He couldn't do that to Sammy, he wouldn't let himself fall into that type of pain and sadness that would have consumed him. He stopped after a month of doing it. Dean was stronger then that. He wouldn't let it control him. Yet, he had driven his brother doing it, and his brother wasn't fighting back against the callings of the knife.
Pain. That was all Sam first registered. His body was coursing with it. Slowly he blinked open his eyes gasping as he tried to sit up. He heard Deans voice. He stopped trying to move frozen in fear.
"Don't move Sammy." Dean said a hand pushed slightly on Sam's chest, easing him back down onto the bed. Quickly though his eyes shot to the nearest window. It was dark. That meant there was no sun light. That meant that Dean was still out for his blood.
"I'm bad. I'm bad." Sam began talking quickly. Sam's mind was sick at the thought of more pain inflicted by his brother. At his own hand maybe… but any more from Dean, he didn't know how he would take it during the day with his brother caring, and then at night a killer almost. "I killed them. All of them I deserve this pain." Sam said starting to cry as he expected the blows to fall down on him. They didn't come. This panicked the boy because what was he supposed to do if Dean wasn't attacking him?
"Sammy…" Dean tried to cut in brushing Sam's bangs away from his forehead lightly causing his younger brother to jerk away violently. "Sam… Sammy…calm down I'm not going to hurt you." He kept trying to get his brother to ease up as the boy's body went rigid in pain… in expectation of pain.
"It's okay Sam." Dean soothed quietly trying to calm his own voice to project calmness to his brother. "Sam look at me." Dean ordered Sam slowly turned his head to face his brother. "I'm not going to hurt you Sammy." Dean whispered his voice breaking at the fearful look in his brother's face. His mind started screaming the un-doubtable truth. This was his entire fault.
Slowly Dean reached out his own slightly sweaty hand and grasped his brothers shaking hand and placed it over his heart. "I'm your bother. I won't hurt you again." Part of Dean was uncomfortable with the situation he had put himself in. He was holding his brothers hand saying something that was no doubt the most chick flicky moments ever said in the history of the world… yet it didn't stop the tears that were welling up in his eyes as Sam shook his head and continued what he had been saying. The boy's eyes shifted past Dean, making it easier for him to talk.
"Sam... Sammy…Have I ever hurt you?" Dean asked slowly he had to be sure that he was to blame. Sam continued to speak unaware that Dean was talking, only that he was there. "Sam please…" Dean begged wishing that his little brother would answer him. "Stop!" Dean growled out finally stopping his brother from continuing his degrading mantra. "Answer me now. Have I ever hurt you!" Dean growled his voice going harsh for a moment, he knew Sam would answer and he did.
"Yes." Sam stated simply. Sam blinked as if seeing his brother for the first time. His heart jumping as he watched the tears fall from his brother's eyes.
"I've done all of this to you?" Dean motioned to his brother's broken wrist and body. Sam again nodded moving his eyes away from his brother has he felt his hand being squeezed then dropped. He didn't look at his brother as he felt him drop to the ground rocking back and forth shaking his head.
Dean sat there on the floor rocking back and forth, not bothering to hide his tears. He was a horrible brother. How on earth could he have done that to Sam? How could he have hurt his brother this bad that he would just… that he would... that he, as the older brother, the protector would drive Sam to wanting to kill himself? What else had he done and couldn't see? How much of a horrible brother was it with out even knowing it.
Light slowly began to fill he small room. Neither boy had moved. Sam was lying on his bed still as anything staring up at the ceiling thinking slowly about what he was supposed to say to his brother… how he was going to cover up that it was actually him that inflicted this pain on him. He didn't want his brother to leave him… he didn't want to be abandoned. He needed his brother weather he was a worthless punching bag or not. He didn't want to be left alone.
Sam broke the silence… "Dean…" He tried to begin but was stopped as Dean got to his feet and walked into the bathroom. There was a sound of tinkling and soon Dean re-emerged holding the first aid kit and setting it on the bed next to Sam. Then carefully pushing Sam back down onto the bed re-bandaged the cut wrists and threw the old stuff away
"Dean…" Sam tried to get out again but the other boy was on the move again. This time, doing the worse thing ever… cleaning. Dean Winchester did not clean, well aside from his weapons. This was bad… Sam knew instantly the only times that Dean ever clened was when he was so upset that not even fighting could get it out of him. When Sam had almost been killed, the next week their house had never looked so good. He had stayed up that entire week cleaning, this was not good.
"Dean… it's not our fault." Sam yelled out in agitation and fear causing his older brother to spin on him quickly throwing his hands up in the air in frustration making Sam whimper and back away from his brother in fear.
"God Sammy… What have I done? What have I done to you?" Dean asked dropping on to his own bed watching his little brother.
"It wasn't your fault Dean." Sam said again shaking his head trying to loosen out his body. It was easier to think something else... someone else had done this to him, rather then his own brother. Hopefully it would work out...
"Just hear me out." Sam began again not stopping to let his brother have a word in. "its not your fault, its my fault. Okay? Please?" Sam took a deep breath, "I just egg you on. I deserve this. I really do…" He looked down at his arms. "I do this because it gets the bad out. Please just... go on the way we have. I'm fine. I deserve this. You don't remember usually… so go out... have a drink come back and we can forget about this Dean. Please." Sam begged rolling onto his side curling in on himself. Half expecting his brother to lash out at him.
"God Sam… never. Never don't... never I'm never going to drink again." Dean tried to begin. His head and his heart with pain that he never knew was possible "You don't deserve to be hurt. Never do you deserve to be hurt… no one is allowed to hurt you. I promised mom that I would never let anything hurt you if I had anything to say about it… that I would never hurt you… Sam I failed you. You have to understand that. I would never hurt you... I shouldn't have ever hurt you. I'll make things write Sammy… I promise." Dean vowed, the sincerity in his voice made Sam look at him tears in his eyes. Sam wanted to believe what Dean was saying… but would it be that way when night fell?
Sam would have to think about that later as a blare of pain radiated through his head, causing him to cry out in agony. His head was on fire. Flashes of pain coursed through his body, half from aggravating his already sore body or half from the vision he didn't know it just hurt. Dean was in his head, hurting him, in the future. He could see the time pass it wasn't going to stop. The pain would get worse. He saw himself on the bathroom floor his death. He was pale, bloody pouring from deep cuts along his arms. His brother crying at his gravestone, crying that it hadn't been his fault.
As fast as the vision was there it was gone. Sam stayed where he was his body still coursing with pain. He couldn't think right his head his body. Everything was on pure fire. It hurt to breathe. He was finally able to open his eyes enough to look for his brother for comfort. What he found wasn't what he needed. As his eyes rested on his brother, he saw the older hunters eyes flash red then fade back to their normal color. Sam's heart quickened. A demon had taken over his brother's body.