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Chapter 6

Step Six: Experiences of others may reveal your own true longings

The next morning I awoke to the blaring of my room telephone. Almost falling out of bed as I attempted to reach the phone without opening my eyes, I cursed colourfully under my breath.

"What?" I grumbled into the phone.

"Decided yet when you'll come back home?" A familiar voice asked.

I rolled my eyes. Should have known Ranger would have Lester tell him my telephone number. Though I wondered why he called… The last phone call hadn't ended all that well and I had rather thought he'd distance himself from me for a while.

Sighing, I rubbed my eyes and rolled myself onto my back. "No, not yet."

"There are a lot of files waiting for you, Babe," he baited, "and a lot of distraction jobs." His voice turned seductive and even though it caused shivers to run down my spine, I simultaneously felt my blood begin to boil.

"You know what? I just decided to stay here for a little longer. At least here I got someone who doesn't treat me like I'm only some piece of ass. He actually cares about me," I angrily spat.

"He?" Ranger repeated, his voice low and serious laced with an underlying warning.

Seems like someone wasn't informed of Raúl…

"Yes, he," I confirmed, feeling tired of the whole conversation all of a sudden. "Now, please excuse me, but I'm going to meet him. Bye."

I hung up before he had the chance to reply, and sat still for a moment. The conversation from the day before played vividly in my mind and I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach that Ranger obviously hadn't thought about my words. He still treated me like I was everything – except a loveable woman.

What a jerk.

Argh! I couldn't believe the nerve of that man! I mean he was hot, sure, but that didn't mean he could treat me like that!

I just wanted him to apologise for once in his life and treat me the way I deserved. Was this really too much to ask for?!

I forcefully pushed the sad feelings away and got myself ready for breakfast. What a bad start into the day… Hopefully Mary Lou was up as well. I definitely needed some female support.

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Mary Lou squeezed my hand lightly.

"I'm sorry," she sympathetically said. "I really don't understand him anymore. Not that there was actually a time when I did…" she began to ramble, crunching her eyebrows together in thought. "But you know what I mean. Now he's acting even more Batman-like than before… if that is even possible."

I tried to act nonchalant about the whole situation, not wanting to go deeper into a topic that only served to depress me, and would eventually destroy the first vacation I had in years in the process.

Mary Lou on the other hand didn't seem to share my concerns.

"…And why did he call this morning anyway? This just doesn't make any sense! I mean, yesterday he totally behaved like a poor, dejected man who's pining away for Superwoman-" I couldn't hide a grin at this despite my wish to change the subject completely "and today he calls like nothing happened at all and if there weren't unresolved issues between the two of you! That's just so… urgh!"

Mary Lou was breathing hard by the time she finally finished her rant, her face beet red and her eyes literally piercing the cup of coffee she was holding in her hand.

I could feel a sincere smile lingering stubbornly on my face. What would I do without my best friend?! I didn't have the heart to destroy the comfortable mood by pointing out that she hadn't been this certain about her opinion referring to Ranger the day before.

It didn't really matter anymore either. It felt nice enough to know somebody out there understood and supported my need of being away from that confusing man for a while.

Though I did kind of miss him… Argh!

Damn hormones.

"I had a long talk with Lester yesterday," Mary Lou suddenly blurted out as she seemingly tried to avoid looking at me.

Talk about subtle change of subject.

"What about?" I curiously asked.

"Well, actually about Lenny and me," she said, seeming to shrink up a little. "You're not angry, are you?"

I raised my eyebrows incredulously. I certainly hadn't expected that. I mean, sure, Lester was a nice guy and everything, but Mary Lou just met him and was already pouring her heart out to him?!

Colour me… surprised.

"Angry?" I asked in a high tone that made my insides cringe. "Why would I be angry?"

Her eyes scanned my reaction critically and I felt like some new species from another world that was being checked for any anomalies.

Yuck.

Eventually, Mary Lou shrugged her shoulders a tad bit too carelessly. "Just a thought. I mean, he's a stranger and a man, Ranger's man, and you're my best friend… I just thought that it might bother you if I-"

"What do you mean by Ranger's man? Why did you point it out like that? It has nothing to do with Ranger, so why are you bringing him up at all?" I asked, feeling unexplainable anger all of a sudden.

"I didn't mean it like that-"

"Do you think my whole world resolves around him or what?" I shook my head bitterly. "It doesn't, all right? My world doesn't resolve around Morelli, and it sure as hell doesn't resolve around Ranger. Got it?"

She nodded weakly, biting her lower lip in obvious shame. We sat in an uncomfortable silence for a while, both not knowing what to say next.

"I'm sorry." Mary Lou finally whispered.

I sighed. "It's okay. I just… overreacted, I guess."

She just smiled in complete understanding. "It's okay."

I made a gesture with my hand. "Continue."

She hesitated for a moment before speaking, "Well, anyway, I told Lester of our problems and the way I feel and stuff, and he was really cool about it. He was a good listener and understood my feelings perfectly. It was awesome," she gushed, and I repeated it like a mantra in my head that she didn't mean it as a stab in my side when she emphasised Lester's good qualities as a friend. But there was this tiny feeling of jealousy that I just couldn't suppress. Damn.

"That's great," I said half-sincerely, for a part of me truly was relieved that she found someone who was a better advisor for her concerning those things than I ever would.

Her happiness vanished as fast as it emerged. Wow, she did change her moods pretty quickly – and that without being pregnant! I began to at least somewhat understand Lenny's problems with handling Mary Lou…

"Yes, that it is." She bit her lip again. "And he gave me some advice."

Well, that was to be expected, wasn't it? I mean, it would have very disturbing news if Lester Santos actually hadn't something to say to a matter.

"Which would be?"

"To see the situation from Lenny's point of view. And to have a serious talk with him soon."

That sounded kind of reasonable. I nodded my head in fake astonishment. "You know, I always think it's fascinating how Lester Santos, one of the Merry Men, finds it important to use your mouth for other things than one-word threats just like normal people."

Mary Lou chuckled a little but sobered quickly. "I called him last night."

"Who?" I absently asked after taking a sip of coffee.

"Lenny."

I was a little dumbfounded. "Uh, that's great. What did he say?"

A small, happy smile full of love blossomed on her face; a smile I certainly hadn't seen on her for a while now.

"He said he missed me and wanted me to come back home."

This time the stab of jealousy was harder. I could practically feel it rip joyfully through my insides.

Mary Lou got a loving husband back home who's man enough to tell her his feelings while I'm stuck with two guys that are way too macho to admit anything remotely to the frightening 'f(eelings)'-word.

Having such a depressing moment so early in the morning was… well, just really depressing.

And it only got better.

"…So I decided to fly back home this afternoon."

Oh.

Well, what a freaking great way to start the day, huh?

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Despite the slight feeling of betrayal that ate away at me because of Mary Lou's plan to suddenly desert me on our vacation, I couldn't help but feel happy for her as well. She was so giddy to leave and see her family again. She had been so lively and happy the whole day that I just knew I couldn't really be mad at her for leaving me alone with my own problems.

Martouf, Raúl, Lester, Mary Lou and I celebrated Mary Lou's departure at the bistro where Raúl worked. Raúl actually had to work, but he preferred to celebrate with us and get into another screaming match with his boss instead of properly doing his job.

We had a fun time together and even Lester for once ceased his scowling at Raúl and me. When it was time for Mary Lou to go, she hugged each one of us and made Raúl and Martouf promise to visit her sometime in Trenton.

When she came to me there were tears in her eyes – tears of joy.

"Everything's going to be okay," she whispered as she hugged me tightly. "I'm going home."

I guess it was the moment where I finally understood the profound meaning of 'coming home'.

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The sun was just setting above the horizon as I took a stroll along the beach, my hands deeply shoved into the pockets of my shorts. I didn't want to get melancholic. Hell, I didn't even want to brood or anything. But recently I found myself more and more lost in my thoughts, and honestly, that just couldn't be healthy.

Stars began to twinkle in the darkening sky when wonder oh wonder Lester appeared at my side out of nowhere.

Jeez, was he a stalker or something?

The first couple of minutes we walked in silence. And quite frankly, that was kind of freaking me out. I mean Lester and silence – that just didn't fit.

So I said the first thing that came to my mind.

"You know, I'm kind of envious of Mary Lou." Lester's head turned to me and there was a look of concentration on his face but other than that he showed no reaction. "She has a house, kids and a loving husband. I live in an apartment, have a hamster and two men in my life that can't decide whether they love me or are just horny."

Lester put a comforting arm around my shoulders, squeezing me gently. "You and I both know that you don't really want Mary Lou's life. Otherwise you would have long been married to Morelli and would have acted as the perfect housewife." He gave me a soft smile that somewhat stilled the tumult of emotions inside of me. "You are something special, Bomber. And you lead a special life." Lester grinned down at me and I smacked his chest, hard.

Still grinning lopsidedly, he rubbed the wounded flesh and winked at me. Then he got serious again. "Someday there will be a guy who will recognise and value you for what you are: An extraordinary woman."

I bit my lip, trying to hide the fact that I was oddly touched by his words and the confidence he put behind them. There was no doubt that he truly believed what he just said.

"And who knows?" He continued, brushing imaginary dirt off of his tee-shirt. "Maybe you'll meet this someone tonight?"

I rolled my eyes and snorted. "Sure, in my dreams."

Lester shook his head and laughed, then his gaze fixated on me with a boyish quality in his eyes.

"If you only knew, Steph, if you only knew."

After that he dragged me to a nice little bar and bought both of us some drinks.

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It was still dark in my room as I opened my eyes. All of my senses were on high alert as I searched for the reason that caused my sudden wakefulness.

The alarm clock read two o'clock in the morning as a very familiar feeling washed over me: The feeling of being watched.

I felt my heartbeat increase and the usual feeling of excitement rose inside of me.

Finally giving up the pretence of being asleep, I switched on my bedside lamp and scowled at the person sitting calmly on a stool next to the window.

"What the heck are you doing here, Ranger?"

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Flashback

"You look bad, girl," Lula said, dropping the files in her hands to the table and scurrying over to her friend.

Connie looked from the computer screen and studied her friend's appearance as well.

"She's right. What's wrong, Steph?"

The woman in question fell with a heavy sigh on the sofa in the office and rubbed a hand over her eyes.

"I don't know… I'm just tired, I guess."

"Well, it certainly doesn't look like a healthy tiredness," Lula piped in. "So I guess it has nothing to do with Hot Stuff banging you all night?"

Stephanie groaned.

"Well, I take that as a no."

"What happened?" Connie asked, fetching a big bag from the table and handing each of her friends and herself a donut.

"I don't really want to talk about it," Stephanie said. "At all." She shot Lula a warning glance.

Raising her hands in defence, Lula tried to soothe, "Down, girl. If you don't want to talk, then that's fine with me. 'Cause I have something to say."

Both Connie and Stephanie looked at her curiously.

Lula cleared her throat uncomfortably. "Hell, I'm not good at this, but if that's all too much for you to take, maybe you should just, you know, leave for a while. Stay away from Trenton, go to relatives in another state or something."

Connie's donut fell to the ground. "Wow, that was deep."

Lula's cheeks turned crimson. "Shut up."

"No, I mean it. I never thought you could be so… sensitive." Connie insisted, a grin forming on her face. "Dr Phil would be proud of you!"

Lula's eyes widened. "Oh, you- Argh! Take that back!"

Stephanie lay on the couch, laughing, as Lula raced Connie through the office.

Until Ranger appeared in the doorway.

All movement ceased the moment his large form filled the room and a the atmosphere abruptly changed from cheerful to tense.

With a completely unfazed Ranger in the middle of it all.

Stephanie sighed. It was just unfair that her whole life was a total mess whilst he seemed to be untouchable. He truly was like Batman; only living for the job.

Was there never a time when he was only human – Ricardo Carlos Manoso?

If so, she found it significant that she never got to see this side of him. At the same time she wondered why this thought hurt so much.

End Flashback