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Chapter 9

Step Nine: There will be some point where you have to stop running away

The next morning I found myself back at the bistro as usual. This time, however, I hadn't brought a newspaper or something of that sort to entertain me – no, because my disarrayed thoughts and feelings certainly proofed to be keeping me preoccupied enough.

I felt lonely – after all, my best friend did abandon me just before my probably worst emotional break-up ever –, confused, emotionally drained, and totally not ready to face Ranger.

Sadly, I knew it was futile to try and avoid him. He was here and according to Lester he wasn't planning on leaving before he had that much spoken of talk with me.

Great.

Fortunately, Raúl knew how to restore my good mood. Flirting insanely with me and coming up with the most clichéd lines ever, he helped me quench the rising panic inside of me when thoughts of the Burg and my mother, or the now inevitable talk with Ranger flashed through my mind.

By the time Martouf and Lester entered the bistro and took a seat at my table, I was even able to smile heartily at Raúl's sweet stupidity.

"What's up, Bomber?" Lester greeted.

"Not much," I replied, shrugging.

"Not busy with making poor, innocent guys go crazy over you?"

The grin was practically plastered to my face as I shifted in my seat. "No, Martouf, there are no poor, innocent guys that I-"

"Don't be modest," Raúl interrupted and, grabbing a stool from a nearby table, sat down beside me. "You know you're irresistible."

I laughed. "Gotta learn some new lines, my friend – these ain't working anymore."

He leaned back, his hands entwined behind his head. "We'll see," he winked at me.

Lester shook his head at him. "If you ever come to Trenton for a visit – don't say you know me. Your lame lines will destroy my reputation with the ladies."

"Lester the ladies' man," I mocked.

"Don't underestimate me," Lester warned and adjusted the collar of his shirt. "I'm quite popular with the ladies."

I only rolled my eyes at so much male arrogance.

Lester grinned smugly at me. Martouf patted my hand in sympathy. "There's no need to curse us men," he said. "After all, what would you do without us?"

"Lead a sad and unspectacular and-" Raúl began to enumerate.

"- much more peaceful life?" I sarcastically finished.

They only laughed in response. Men.

"So, you're going to swear off men?" Lester almost casually said.

I narrowed my eyes at him. „Depends on what a certain man has to say."

"Mmh," Lester said, studying me thoughtfully. „You're really mad at him, huh?"

That didn't even deserve an answer. I mean, it was obvious that I had a right to be angry with Ranger, wasn't it?

"I just hope he won't blow it," Martouf muttered darkly.

I raised an eyebrow at him. "You're not exactly oozing with confidence in Ranger in this department. What gives?"

Lester scowled at Martouf who ran a hand over his head. "Ranger's one of the best bounty hunters in the country but he's not exactly an expert when it comes to matters of the heart."

For a moment I was distracted by his choice of words. Matters of the heart… that sounded so – romantic. Not something I would associate with Ranger…

"I thought he's more like a tyrant?" Raúl interjected, a frown on his face.

Lester sent him a glare. The new bond the two had formed the night before over some bottles of sangria seemed not strong enough to gang up on Ranger.

"He's not a tyrant," Lester protested.

"Well," Raúl said, unimpressed. "It does pretty much sound like that to me."

Lester scoffed. "You don't even know him, so you don't have the right to judge him."

Raúl only shrugged.

"I hope your celebration last night was not too wild," Martouf asked with a sideways glance at Raúl.

"I did not try to fill her up. So don't look at me like that!"

"No," Lester confirmed with a grin. "She did that very well on her own."

I glared at him.

"You were drunk?" Martouf inquired, not sounding surprised at all.

"Yes," I uneasily said.

"Well, that was the point of last night's celebration, wasn't it?" Martouf tried to joke in order to soothe me. "By the way, I'm sorry I had to miss it but there was an important operation."

I waved his apology aside. "You did actual work yesterday?"

Martouf grinned cheekily.

"We drank some bottles of sangria," Lester answered his previous question. "To celebrate Stephanie's freedom. Only that Bomber here fell asleep halfway down the second bottle." There was a hint of humour in his voice.

"I've never been good at holding my liquor," I defended myself.

"You've got a headache?" Martouf asked, concerned.

I scratched one side of my head, abashed. "A little. I'll take an aspirin later."

Martouf nodded. "Good. Well, I should go back to work," he announced, lazily stretching his arms over his head. I looked at him.

"Go back to where? To that super important operation of yours or to selling coconuts?"

He smirked. "What do you think?"

"I'll come with you," Raúl said and emptied his glass of orange juice. "I'm glad I don't have to work today, but selling coconuts sounds like fun." With a quick wink in my direction and a few words of farewell to Lester, the two left.

I leaned back in my seat and sighed. A gentle breeze blew strands of hair in my face and cooled my throbbing temples.

Lester watched me and took a sip of his water. "You okay?"

Surprised, I looked up at him. "Yeah, sure."

He didn't look convinced. "I mean, because of Morelli and the break-up," he elaborated. "You looked pretty down last night."

"Just because I can't hold my liquor doesn't mean that I don't drink from time to time," I said defiantly.

"That's not what I meant."

I rolled my eyes, irritated. "I'm fine, okay? I'm fine."

He eyed me for a single, silent moment. „You don't look fine."

"Lester!"

He held up his hands. „Okay, okay, you're fine. I get it."

I sent him a burning glare. "Why are you so annoying anyway?"

He only shook his head at me. "I've got a note for you from Ranger." He rummaged through his jacket pockets and pulled out a small neat card and handed it to me.

Hesitantly, I took it. "You're degraded to a messenger now, huh?" I scoffed.

"Don't sound so bitter," Lester gently chided. "He's not as bad as you're making him out to be. He didn't come himself this morning because he wants to give you time."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "You told him about the break-up?"

He blinked at me. "Of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"It's none of his business whether or not I broke up with Joe," I heatedly retorted.

"Oh but I think it is," Lester quietly said. "Stop being so stubborn. You want to know what you're to him? Fine, then get off of your ass and confront him."

I sent him a glare. "Is that the oh-so-understanding Lester that Mary Lou was worshipping?" I sarcastically asked.

"No," he smirked. "That was a frustrated Lester that thinks that the Bombshell and Batman are a match made in heaven."

I wrinkled my nose. "You're corny."

He shrugged carelessly. "If that's what it takes to get through your thick skull…"

I glowered. "Where's the sympathy? Neither tonight nor now you've shown any sympathy for me. Did I do something to you?"

"Stop drowning in self-pity," he said and cocked his head to the side. "You know, I get the distinct feeling you're scared of talking to Ranger alone."

How the hell did he know that?

"Shut up," I growled and finally took a look at the card.

"Come find me when you're ready."

My heart fluttered involuntarily. Since I'd left Trenton behind for a vacation, nothing had gone the way I had wanted. Nothing had been solved; I didn't feel relaxed the slightest and would come home to my mother who would be furious with me for leaving without any warning and for breaking up with Joe.

It had all been for nothing. And now I would have a talk with Ranger concerning our non-existent relationship – where he would tell me that I was nothing more than good entertainment for him – after I had just realised that he was the man of my life.

Of course I was scared of talking to him.

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I took one last deep breath and knocked, hesitantly. I almost thought it had been too soft to hear as the door was suddenly opened.

Ranger stood in the doorway, his facial expression blank.

I waved a little. "Hey, Ranger."

His eyes wandered over my face. "You're ready for this?"

"Yes," I sighed. "Let's get this over and done with."

His prior concerned face closed off. "Come in," he said and moved to the side.

We settled on two separate couches with a table standing between us.

I felt really uncomfortable.

"You're all right?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes. "If you're talking about the break-up with Joe, then yes, I'm all right."

He looked me in the eyes and said nothing.

"You wanted to talk, now talk," I changed the subject.

He inclined his head slightly and the intensity in his eyes increased. "Why did you leave?" he simply asked, his dark chocolate eyes boring into me.

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you suddenly leave Trenton and come here the way you did?"

"I guess it was all just too much," I mumbled evasively.

"What was too much?" he pressed.

"Joe, you, my mother, the Burg…" I listed. "Just about everything."

He seemed to digest my words as his eyes left my fidgeting form. I barely refrained from exhaling loudly that his scrutinising gaze was off of me for a moment.

"Why I?" he curiously asked. "What did I do that caused you to cross the ocean in order to get away from me?"

I flushed. Not a question I wanted to answer…

"What's this all about?" I asked defensively. "It doesn't matter anymore why I left, now does it? You wanted that talk and I want you to say what you have to say, so please do just that."

"Why I?" he only repeated.

I threw up my hands in frustration. "What's this? You're just going to question my motives? I don't have to answer to you! You never explained anything to me! That's why this whole mess started in the first place! And let me tell you, I'm sick and tired of this!"

At the end of my tirade I was yelling and it was pretty hard for me to stop doing that.

"You want me to talk? Fine, I'll talk. You're a jerk, Ranger. You tell me you love me – but what kind of love is that? We're not emotionally close because you won't let us and a love that only resolves around sex is no love. I'm no hormone driven teenager, Ranger, that mistakes lust for love. Give me some credit," I bitterly said.

"And now you're here," I said. "I don't really understand why. What do you want? However, what really bothers me is your possessiveness and the pressure you're putting on me. You have no right to come here and demand anything at all."

"You came here to make a decision," he quietly said. "A decision that includes me as well."

"You disregarded my wish to be left alone; the two times we talked on the phone with each other you behaved like a moron and now you're here and honestly claiming the right to be here? I think not. You've had your chances, Ranger," I firmly said.

I smiled sadly as all anger seemed to leave me.

„I know nothing about you, okay? Nothing! I didn't even know I had a choice between you and Morelli until the both of you stormed into my apartment that night. Why? Why, Ranger, did I have a choice? What kind of choice do I exactly have? The choice between a serious relationship with Joe and a casual sex life with you?"

I bit my lip and turned my head away from him. It was instinctive; as if I knew that there were too many emotions he would be able to read if he looked into my eyes.

"You want to know why I broke up with Joe? Because even though I need him in my life, I know that I could go on living without him – but I couldn't live without you. And I'm starting to hate that fact. I doubt that you feel the same way about me. You let me go too many times. I guess that should have been enough signs to realise how you really feel about me."

I avoided his gaze and stood up. "I love you, Ranger, but I don't think I can be with you. I need someone who will love me back just as much and who won't play the games we did. I need someone who will fight for me."

I reached the door and turned back to him one last time. "And I think that I was wrong – you're not that person."

A second later the door closed behind me with a gentle thud. Tears freely ran down my cheeks as I mechanically opened the door to my own apartment. He hadn't come after me; hadn't tried to stop me or change my mind. He had let me go again.

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It was later that night. I lay curled up on my bed with my arms protectively slung around my upper body and a generous bag of donuts at my side. It was getting dark outside and the hotel seemed to get alive as people left their apartments for their nightly activities. But I didn't feel like going out.

I half-heartedly zapped through the channels of the TV, trying to occupy my mind with something else than the hurtful encounter with Ranger a few hours prior.

It just wouldn't work.

A scraping sound at my door hauled me out of my depression. Confused, I got out of bed and walked over to my apartment door and found a small neat card.

My heartbeat rushed on painfully as I slowly lowered myself to the ground. Debating for a moment whether or not to simply burn the note, I eventually picked it up and read the few words that were written on it.

Frowning, I read them a second time.

It took me an hour to gather my wits and arrive at the beach at the specified meeting point. Even from a distance I saw the flames licking the dark sky.

Somebody had created an extremely big heart-shaped circle of burning candles in the sand. The candles were red and broad and smelled nicely. Rose petals of a rich red were lain into the middle of the heart and I knew that I had never seen something as romantic as that. I looked up into the sky but there was no moon to support the romantic mood, only countless of stars twinkling merrily down on me.

I knew he stood behind me before he began to speak.

"You said that it was over between us," he softly said. "But that's not true. I refuse to let it end like that," he harshly said.

His words stole my breath. I didn't dare to turn around and see if he was really there, but he had other plans. One of his hands affectionately caressed my cheek as he walked around me so we were face to face.

"Let me show you that I can be that man that you need. Let me fight for you."

As I nodded I knew that whatever he was going to say next, there would be no more chance for me to run away.

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Flashback

"I can't take it anymore," Stephanie sighed tiredly.

"What do you mean?" Mary Lou absently asked and motioned to a waiter to bring some drinks.

"This… thing with Joe, Ranger and me," Stephanie explained. "I love Joe, I know I do, but there's still this underlying attraction to Ranger. I mean it can't be true love if I'm fantasising about another man, right?"

"So, you love Joe, huh?" Mary Lou inquired, much more attentive now.

"He's important to me," Stephanie affirmed. "I need him in my life."

"What about Ranger?" Mary Lou interestedly said. "Do you need him in your life as well?"

"Yes," Stephanie answered. "And that's the whole problem!"

"I don't know where the problem should be with two of the hottest men in Jersey chasing after me," Mary Lou somewhat sardonically muttered.

"The problem is that I can't decide! Obviously I can't be with both. I don't even know if I could have Ranger, but that's beside the point. I need to decide whom I really want and stop this situation from getting out of hand," Stephanie thoughtfully mumbled. "It was bad enough that the two of them wanted to stay with me at my apartment."

Mary Lou laughed. "I still think it's a pity that you didn't stay."

Stephanie shot her a glare.

"I know what I would have done with both of them living with me…" Mary Lou teased.

Stephanie rolled her eyes. "I just need some time to think, but I can't do that when they're constantly around me."

"What are you talking about?" Mary Lou quickly asked, leaning forward with her elbows propped up on the table.

"I don't know," Stephanie said. "I guess I just need some time away from them both."

Mary Lou smiled cheekily at her friend. "Hon, what do you think of Spain?"

End Flashback