Disclaimer - No, I don't own them. If I did, GX would never have been created and there would be a whole lot more going on then just dueling and Ancient Magic.
Author's Notes - No excuses this time. Here it is, and I'm sorry if anyone is offended by sex and violence.
Chapter 22 - The First Steps
Marik paced the room, hands shoved deep into his pockets in an attempt to keep him from chewing on his nails as he continuously glanced at the still figure lying in the bed. They had gotten him dry and into clean, warm clothes . . . other than that, there was nothing they could do until Yami awoke again. It had been several hours since Yami's first awakening that had ended so disastrously, and he was on edge. He'd been unable to sleep, and had eventually gotten up and taken over the watch on Yami, his mind unwilling to rest after everything that had happened.
What Bakura had told him of Yami's reaction when he'd woke was not something Marik had been pleased to hear. He wondered, not for the first time, what all his psychotic ex had done to Yami. He suspected that it had been a good deal worse than what he had suffered under the man's hands . . . after all, he had been a willing slave, at least for the first six months, before it had become a living hell. Yami had been an unwilling slave, and had nearly killed Malik once before. Malik would have pulled out all the stops to break Yami to his will . . . Marik shuddered at that thought.
"Gods, Yami, what did he do to you?" Marik whispered hoarsely . . . and nearly jumped through the roof when he was answered.
"Nothing that I did not allow him to do," Yami murmured, and then coughed. "Marik . . ."
"I'm here," the blonde said, sitting gently on the bedside. He refrained from reaching out to touch his love, although he ached to do so . . . he had no wish to trigger another event like the one they had already survived.
"Are you okay?" Yami asked, crimson eyes turning in the bed to regard him steadily.
"I'm fine, Yami. The tree never hit us . . . thanks to you." Yami sighed, his eyes closing again.
"It would never have fallen at all if it weren't for me," he rasped. At this, Marik couldn't hold back any longer. Reaching out, he gently took Yami's hand into his, prying open the clenched fingers before wrapping them around his own. He held on tightly as Yami tried to yank his hand away, and eventually the slim form relaxed and stopped fighting the contact. "Marik . . . please, let go."
"No," the blonde said. "Yami . . . for the love we have for you, look at me!" Crimson eyes shot open at the demand, meeting fierce lavender fearfully. Marik reached out with his free hand to caress the bruised cheek, refusing to allow Yami's flinch to deter him as he held him in his gaze. "You . . . are not . . . disgusting." he murmured, his words precise and clear so that there could be no misunderstanding. "What Malik did to you was against your will . . . in so much as that you only allowed it to protect us. That does not make you dirty, or disgusting. We LOVE you, Yami . . . nothing will ever change that."
"I could have killed you," Yami whispered, choking on the words. "I DID kill him . . ."
"But you didn't kill us . . . you saved us instead. We knew you would . . . we never doubted it." A little white lie never hurt anyone, right? Thank gods Bakura was the empath and not Yami . . . cause he would have sensed that one a mile away. "And what you did to Malik was only to protect us. Besides, he had it coming. You keep making a habit of rescuing us," he joked slightly, and was pleased when he got a soft smile in return.
"Ra . . . Marik, I feel . . . I feel so dirty, like I'm never going to come clean from what he made me do. Did you . . ."
"Did I feel that way? Yes . . . when Bakura first took me in, I scrubbed myself raw in the shower for months afterwards. I kept seeing his hands on me . . . my hands on him, doing things to others that made me want to puke. But eventually, I realized I wasn't the one that was dirty . . . Malik was. It took time . . . but eventually I came back. And then I met you." The body beneath him shivered, the hand tightening around his. "Yami, it's going to take time, but you can come back from this, I know you can."
"But I killed him, Marik. I squeezed his heart until it burst!"
"To protect us," Marik replied softly. "Yami . . . he got what he deserved. I can't find it in my heart to feel sorry for him. What he did . . . Yami, you did what you had to do." He moved to stand, planning on pulling the chair closer to the bed . . . only to find Yami wouldn't let him go.
"Marik . . . please, don't leave me," he whispered, crimson eyes suddenly desperate.
"I'm only moving the chair closer, Yami," he replied.
"I . . . I don't want to be alone . . ." Yami rasped, turning his head away to hide the tears forming in his eyes. Marik moved suddenly, pulling back the blankets before sliding in between the cool sheets. Yami froze, unsure of what to do. He'd spent so much time forced to sleep next to Malik . . .
"It's okay, Yami . . . I'll move, if you want," Marik murmured, suddenly unsure if he had made the right move. He got his answer when Yami suddenly turned over, his arms wrapping tightly around the blonde's waist as he buried his head into the cotton clad chest, shivering.
"Don't leave . . ." Yami whispered. "I . . . I feel safer, with you beside me." Marik nodded, wrapping his own arms carefully around the shivering form. "Where . . . where is Bakura?"
"Down the hall . . . he was up most of the night worrying about you. I had to slip him some sleeping pills in his soda to get him to pass out." Yami chuckled slightly.
"Figures," he murmured. "Stubborn jack ass." Marik laughed quietly.
"Look who's talking," he replied, running his fingers gently through the multi-colored hair of his love. "I meant what I said, Yami . . . we love you, no matter what. Malik got what's coming to him . . . And now you're free, and back where you belong. We're never letting you go again."
"Thank you . . ." he whispered, crimson eyes closing as exhaustion overwhelmed him. "I . . . I love you too. Both of you." Sleep pulled at him gently, beckoning him to her embrace which he willingly entered.
Marik felt the slight body relax in his arms, but did not release his hold on his love as Yami succumbed to exhaustion and stress. The first step was taken . . . there were still many more to go until Yami fully recovered from what Malik had done to him. Sighing, Marik allowed his own eyes to drift shut, falling into sleep as quickly as Yami had, still holding the slight body to him as if to shield it from the world.
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Bakura yawned, rubbing the grit out of his eyes as he walked down the hallway to check on Yami. Joey had told him that Marik had been unable to sleep, and he was concerned that his friend and lover might be slipping into his past depression over what he had suffered at Malik's hand, especially with Yami suffering so much from the same ordeal.
A hot shower and a good sleep had gone a long way towards making him feel more human after the events of the last several days, especially his impromptu bath in the lake. He was, however, going to strangle Marik for drugging him. Admittedly, he had needed it . . . but still, it was the principal of the thing.
He opened the door of Yami's room slowly . . . and froze as he spied Yami, cuddled up next to Marik. He breathed a sigh of relief, a hand running through his hair as he debated on which god he should get on his knees and thank for this apparent break through. He settled on all of them, sure that it had taken at least that many to accomplish this, and sent up a silent prayer of thanks before moving to the bedside. He reached out gently, brushing a few stray stands of platinum blonde from Marik's forehead.
Lavender eyes opened at his touch, and Marik smiled up at him gently.
"Hey," he murmured.
"Hey yourself," Bakura replied, pulling the chair over to the bed and settling into it. Marik adjusted slightly, rolling over onto his back so that he could see Bakura. Yami whimpered, but settled at a light touch when Marik didn't move further. "How is he?"
"Better . . . I think," Marik said, sitting up slightly, Yami's head still cradled to his chest. "We got to talking . . . mostly about when I first got away from Malik. Now that he knows that what he's feeling is normal . . . it should be much easier." He chuckled slightly. "He wouldn't let me get up from the bed . . . that's how I ended up in here, not that I'm complaining. It feels so good to hold him again . . ."
"At least he's allowing you to touch him . . ." Bakura murmured . . . then jumped, a startled gasp escaping him when a lightly tanned hand reached out and took his hand, fingers twining gently with his own pale ones. He glanced down at Yami . . . and met open and aware crimson eyes.
"You know, 'he' is quite awake and listening to the two of you chat," Yami whispered, a small smile crossing his lips. "It's not nice to talk about people when they're in the same room with you." Bakura chuckled.
"Would you rather we talked about you downstairs?" he replied dryly, his fingers tightening slightly around Yami's as he relished the first voluntary touch he'd gotten from his love. "How are you feeling, Yami?"
"I don't know . . ." Yami replied, crimson eyes darkening. "I'd become so used to being numb . . ." He started shivering. "I . . ." Marik threaded his fingers through tri-colored hair, using the gentle and unassuming touch to try to calm the slight figure.
"It's okay, Yami . . . it's normal. It's a defense reaction, nothing more . . . everything will return soon enough," the blonde murmured. "We understand." Slowly, the shivering subsided, Yami relaxing into the touch.
"I'm so tired . . ." Yami whispered finally. Crimson eyes closed . . . then opened again as Bakura went to move. "Don't leave . . ."
"You need to rest, Yami," Bakura murmured . . . and gasped as he was pulled down beside the slight form, Yami's sudden strength surprising him. He sighed, but bracketed the slight body, feeling Yami nestle against him even as the lightly tanned arms tightened around Marik.
"What I need . . . is to know that both of you are here . . . and real," Yami said after a few moments. "There were so many times . . . when I awoke beside Malik, and just wished it was the two of you instead. I'm so afraid . . . that this will all disappear the next time I open my eyes . . ."
"We're here, Yami," Bakura said, his breath puffing gently against Yami's cheek as he nestled closer, wrapping pale arms around the gaunt form carefully. "We'll never leave you." Yami sighed and relaxed, falling back into slumber easily with the nearness of his two loves. "He's sleeping an awful lot, Marik," he murmured, pulling back to gaze down at the haggard features.
"It's a defense mechanism, just as the numbness is, 'Kura," Marik replied. "His mind is on overload . . . too much has happened to him in the last couple of months. It's protecting itself by shutting out all external stimuli until it assimilates to the new circumstances."
"When the hell did you get so smart?" Bakura asked, dark eyes regarding the tan face curiously. "You weren't nearly this calm when it was you in this situation." Marik shrugged slightly.
"I've been reading a lot, remember? I wanted to know what we would be dealing with . . . when we got him back. Besides . . . it helped me understand and come to terms with my own unresolved issues." Bakura smiled, shaking his head in disbelief.
"You truly are amazing sometimes, love," he said, then ducked a mock swing Marik aimed at his head. Together, the three lovers settled in, Bakura and Marik talking quietly as they watched over the silent figure between them.
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Yami arose from the bed, slipping out from between his two lovers carefully before padding across the wooden floor to the window, staring out it blindly. He was free . . . Malik was dead. So why did he feel like he was still trapped, still helpless? He cringed away from the window as he saw Yugi and Ryou walking along the forest edge, holding hands and talking.
How would he ever face those amethyst eyes again? He was dirty, tainted . . . and purity couldn't help but see that. For that matter, how could he ever face his friends . . . his chosen family? They would know just by taking one look at him about the things Malik had made him do . . . about the things he had allowed Malik to do to him. He caught a watery glimpse of himself in the glass, and stepped back, his throat closing as disgust engulfed him.
That pale, sickly creature couldn't possibly be him, could it? The eyes were too dim, the face too thin, the body too worn and beaten. He moaned, wrapping his arms around himself as the shuddering began again. Oh gods, it was him . . . that was what he had become.
Suddenly, he was back in Malik's bedroom, seeing the blonde before him as the chain around his throat choked him.
"You're worthless, slave . . . why do you think they've not tried to rescue you? You were merely a convenient fuck to them! But I will care for you . . . all you must do is everything I ask of you. I will love you as they never could, Yami."
The shuddering worsened, threatening to tear him apart as his world darkened and spun around him, forcing him to his knees as he dry heaved, his stomach trying to empty contents that were not there. Gods, had Malik been right? No . . . Malik couldn't have been right . . . Bakura and Marik had risked everything to get him back! But why . . .he wasn't worth it, he couldn't possibly be worth it anymore! Maybe he had been, once . . . but not any longer. He was broken . . . battered in mind, spirit, and body. He gagged as another voice resounded in his head . . . this one even more familiar and all the more terrifying.
"You're no good to us if you won't use those abilities to do as we want! You disgust me with your morals, you little brat! We gave you life, gave you power! You WILL use those powers of yours to further our own ends! We are your parents, and you owe us EVERYTHING!"
"No . . . Father, please . . ." he moaned, unaware of speaking to the voice out loud as he huddled into a ball on the floor. "I . . . I can't do that to people! It's wrong . . . it's wrong to use my abilities against others!"
"Then why do you have them?! What good are they to you if you won't use them for your own ends . . . or ours?! God damn you, boy . . . I'll beat that into your thick skull yet! You worthless little shit, do you know how much your mother and I hate you!? You're worthless to us . . . how can we love a weak, snivelling child like you when you won't do as your told!"
"All I ever wanted was your love and approval . . . but not at the cost of raping people's minds for you . . ." he whispered, his forehead resting against the cold floor as memory swamped him. "Why did you force me to kill you, Father?" He remembered it all now . . . his father dragging him downstairs, the house being strangely silent and still as he tried to regain his feet to keep up with his father's angry strides. His father throwing him to the couch, standing over him, raging at him before the beating began . . . his angry attempts to protect himself and defend himself verbally from the assault . . . and the final snap in judgement as his father began to whip him with his belt. He could feel the house shake around him as if he was there again, could hear the crackling of the electrical wiring as it was ripped to pieces, his mother's screams as the upstairs crashed in on itself . . .
"I killed my own parents . . ." Yami whispered, his voice choking. "My gods, I am a monster!"
"You did it out of self defense, Yami . . ." Bakura said quietly, standing just behind the huddled figure, afraid to move as he watched objects in the room floating in air, unwilling to be the catalyst that would begin the storm if he touched Yami while he was in the grip of his horrifying memories. "And you killed Malik to protect us . . . you are not a monster for protecting yourself and others."
"Bakura . . ." the huddled figure moaned. "Gods . . . how can you stand to be near me, knowing what I'm capable of?" Moving slowly, the white haired man knelt down beside his shivering lover, reaching out with one pale hand to touch Yami gently on one shoulder.
"We've known what you were capable of all along, Yami. We don't care . . . because we know you would never harm anyone without good reason. You have to believe me . . . and believe in yourself. You are not a freak, or a monster . . . you are simply a man forced to choose the life of his friends and himself or death. No one can blame you for the choices you made . . . not unless they are lying to themselves." He hesitated momentarily before pulling Yami gently into his arms, cradling the shivering form close to his heart as the slim body relaxed against his. "Please, believe me, Yami . . . Marik and I love you as you are. We aren't afraid and we never have been. Trust in us," he whispered.
"I . . ." Yami whispered, and then stopped, unable to go on in the face of such faith. "Bakura . . ."
"No, Yami . . . we love you, and we believe in you. Please . . . don't let this destroy you. Come back to us."
"I don't know if I can . . ." Yami moaned, burying his head in his lover's chest as the pale arms held him tighter. "How do you fight . . . when you have no will left to do so?"
"Then let us be your will, let us be your strength," Marik murmured, rising slowly from the bed. He'd promised Bakura he would let him handle this . . . but he could no longer sit still and listen as his heart broke with each choked word. He sank to his knees beside the pair, wrapping his own arms around Yami and laying a blonde head on one shivering shoulder. "This doesn't change anything between us, love. You don't scare us . . . and we love you, more than we can ever possibly show you in one lifetime. Please . . . let us try."
He sensed more than felt Yami's acceptance, and tried not to breathe a sigh of relief as the slim body relaxed. There was still a long road to go . . . and the next thing would be to get Yami to face the others. He needed them to recover as much as he needed his two lovers . . . but getting him to accept that fact was going to be hard. He had an idea though . . . because he knew who the two biggest hurdles were going to be.