BAN:// If you love me you'll leave me wonderful comments!!!!! I couldn't wait, I had to post today hehe!
Chapter 18- Justification
Deans mind was racked with memories. What Missouri had seen was the simple things that had happened. The more tolerable things that had done to his brother. His dreams were a passage into the more horrific things that he had done to Sammy, the worst thing was that even when he awoke everything was still there.
He could barely believe all of what he had done to him. How could he have ever let something take a hold of him? How could he have let something with his own hands hurt his brother so badly? His dreams depicted things in horrific detail. How he had watched Sam slice away at his arm, trying to slowly stop the pain that he felt throughout his body. There were so many images of Sam hurting himself, all because of him. To dean seeing his little brother with a knife in his hand slicing away at himself was killing him, almost more then the guilt at what the had done.
Some things stood out more then he could have imagined. How he had hurt his brother with his just words. He knew so much, he knew how Sam ticked, how on earth could he have used it against him? If he didn't have the memories of doing so Dean could never have imagined it. He remembered how he would hold Sam's head up, forcing his little brother to look in the mirror, at his own reflection, he would force him to look, and repeat that he was a killer, that he was worthless, that he deserve what he was given. In return Dean would do nothing to stop him, he would keep urging his little brother on. How could he have done that to him? He was the older brother! He was supposed to take care of Sam, not… not turn into his ultimate tormentor. Dean forced himself to keep from throwing up.
Dean wondered to himself, the dark side of himself, if he really believed any of what he had said. Did he think of any of those things now? He thought hard, remembering so much of what he said. And he felt anger rise through him, anger at himself. The words that he had spoken were so false and that they were sickening. He never once thought his brother a murderer, or a waste of space, or worthless. His brother had to be one of the smartest people that Dean knew, that kid could figure out anything; there was no way that he was worthless.
Dean was brought out of his trance at he heard the commotion outside the room. He knew what was going on. He knew that his father knew what a terrible animal he had been. Slowly he looked at his brother. His eyes traced their way to his arms. He sucked in a breath as he lightly felt the cuts and scars that littered his brother's arms. How could he have let this happen? In his minds eye he saw Sam cutting himself, saw the blood that would fall. He wished more then anything that he had been in Sam's place. His brother didn't disserve this. He didn't deserve any of this. Then the idea hit him. Could he take the place of his brother? Dean's heart beat quickly, if he could find a demon to turn back time… No. Dean stopped his thoughts quickly. As much as he wished he could, he could never do that, he was taught never to bargain with a demon, with his rotten luck, he would get the both of them killed. But that option would always lie in the back of his mind.
Dean stared at the face of his little brother, sleeping it would seem peacefully. He was scared though of what was really going on in his little brother's mind. Part of him wanted to know; the rest of him though, dreaded the thought of his little brother suffering any more. There were little moments in which that his brother awoke, and seemed to know where he was, but most of the times that he showed signs of life he was unaware, trapped in the memory in the hell that Dean had created for him.