:BAN::// Enjoy. This takes place right before Sammy goes off to college. Comment as always makes me update sooooner
Few years ago….
Sam had tears in his eyes as he sat on the floor in the bathroom that was connected to the room he shared with Dean in Father Jim's house. They had been there for 3 months now, and things seemed to be getting worse for the youngest hunter. His father was ignoring him completely for a comment he had made about his mother leaving him bruised and unconscious. He was surprised actually that his father didn't kill him for it. Dean had found him later on the floor of his room and got him cleaned up not knowing what Sam had said. Dean was now, thankfully, asleep.
Hunched in the corner of the bathroom between the wall and the toilet he stared at his arm thin lines raced across his arm he ran his thumb along them, wishing he didn't have to make more that those would just break open and bleed, no such luck though. He had only been doing this for a few months, nothing that long. It was risky with his brother always looking out for him. A shudder rippled through his body as he rested his best hunting knife against his skin slowly pressing down feeling his pulse start to quicken his knife was poised at his wrist he was aiming for the invisible line that traced itself down to his elbow. Sucking in a deep breath Sam pushed and pulled the blade towards him instantly having the knife rip into his skin allowing his blood to spill to the floor. He almost wasn't able to stifle the sob that threatened to come out of his lips. He stopped listening for any signs of life in the next room, when he heard none he did the same to his right arm relishing the pain that he felt.
Slowly he realized that he hadn't ever cut this deep, he had done light things here and there. Nothing deep but tonight it seemed only right. Tonight was the worst night for him to be alive, weather or not his father and Dean would admit it today was the anniversary of their mothers' death. ON this night unparticular Sam felt the guilt of the death. After he had told his father, he didn't care if they ever found the demon that had killed their mother he felt the hold on the guilt that was solely his to bear. If he hadn't been born, his brother and father would have his mother, yet he had been born so there for it had to be his fault. His father was a mad man when it came to Mary, Sam knew this, and for that reason, he kept out of his fathers way, scared that the rage that John Winchester kept pent up would burst and actually kill him this time. Sam had no idea how much he meant to the Winchester family.
In his musings Sam didn't hear his brother waking up with a jerk, he didn't hear his brother stagger into the bathroom, in fact he heard little to nothing but the pounding in his ears. He heard nothing but the screams that he had made up to go with the images of what had happened when he was 6 months old.
"Sam!" Dean's voice cut through Sam's mind, he jerked his head up trying in vain to hide his bleeding arms. Dean stood in a long pair of sleepy shorts in the doorway of the bathroom his eyes wide, if you looked close enough you could actually see the wheels in his turn start to turn. Acting quickly Dean grabbed the towel off the towel rack, knelt next to his brother, and wrapped his shaking sibling's arms in the towel putting pressure on the wounds.
"What happened?" Dean asked looking around the bathroom for an intruder, his mind still foggy enough that he never thought that his own brother had inflicted these wounds. When he heard Sam's strangled sob though his mind shoved the pieces together with agonizing pain. "Sam?" Dean questioned watching as his brothers face crumpled making him look much younger then his actual age.
"I…" Sam hiccupped, "I'm sorry. It, it was an accident." Sam tried to reach for an excuse that would fit, his mind was cloudy he couldn't think straight.
"Sam you are not a suicide!" Dean shouted in his brothers face anger creased with worry etched into his face. "You are no suicide Sammy. Your stronger then this."
"I killed her."
"No you didn't Sammy. It wasn't your fault kido" Dean checked on the bleeding it wasn't too deep he'd heal quickly enough. "Come on." Dean picked his brother up and took him back into their room and clicked on the lights, momentarily blinding both of them. When he reached for the door Sam panicked.
"don't go Dean. Don't tell dad. Please. He'll… He'll kill me!" Sam whispered shaking his head getting to his feet to rush back to the bathroom to lock himself in, luckily Dean was faster.
"Sh... sammy I won't tell Dad. Just sit there I need to get another towel." Sam nodded his head and stayed put on his bed his heart racing. When Dean retured he cleared the dried blood from Sam's arms cleaning them with peroxide and put the last of the numbing solution on his brothers arms, Sam gave Dean a small smile before his brother set to work stitching up his handy work.
"I'm sorry Dean." Sam whispered choking on the lump in his throat as he watched his fingers shake, and then the rest of his body. Dean didn't respond but continued stitching his brothers arm back together.
When finished Dean still said nothing to his little brother who then curled up into himself on the bed trying to shut out the pain that he had seen in his brothers eyes. He wished that his brother wouldn't speak of it, you know girly moments and all. Sam thanked his lucky stars when his brother turned out the lights and let a sigh of relief out, though he cursed his so called lucky stars when his brother sat down at the foot of the bed. Damn.
"Sam." Dean shook his head in the dark. "You are not a suicide. You are stronger then that."
"I'm sorry Dean." Sam tried to smooth things over; sorry was supposed to fix everything wasn't it?
"Sorry doesn't always cut it Sammy." Dean said shifting so he was looking at his brother. "You didn't kill her god damnit. No one thinks you did. No one. Sammy you did not kill her." Dean couldn't bring himself to say the word 'mom' unlike his little brother he still remembered her.
Sam desperately tried to reach for something to end the conversation. "No chick flick moments Dean." He tried hoping that it would work.
"This isn't one of those. This is serious. I wont' loose you too Sammy." Deans voice had gone down a notch causing the youngest hunter to stare at his brother, was he crying? He didn't have a chance to ask when he was shocked by Dean laying down next to him.
"Dean?" Sam questioned.
"Shut up bitch and go to sleep." Dean ended the conversation waiting until his brothers breathing evened out before he tentatively wrapped his brother protectively in his arms, the way he used to when he had nightmares, needing to know that his brother was still breathing.
"Your not a suicide Sammy. You never will be. I won't let you." Dean vowed feeling his brothers chest rise and fall with every breath he took. "I won't loose you too."