A/N Thanks for all your review. Keep it up!
SUMMARY: After two failed relationships, Tara and Willow sign a relunctant Buffy up to an online dating service. But what Buffy refuses to accept as a perfect match, may turn out to prove that this Slayer will never be able to escape a certain blonde vampire...
"Yeah. This is the life!"
Xander Harris sat slumped in his rather ragged armchair, in front of a blaring TV screen, avidly watching an American football game, absent-mindedly reaching for potato chips to cram into his mouth, and occasionally burping. And to his delight, there was no Anya Jenkins to discourage such behaviour.
He had woken up that morning to a note by his bedside, reading: "Gone to Magic Box. Problems with Willow and the chicken feet again." Xander hadn't worried himself over what the problem could possibly be, and instead had indulged in Man-time, a pastime that could rarely occur now he was in a fully-functioning grown-up relationship (albeit with a child-like ex-demon).
But a night spent mostly playing Battleships with Anya was beginning to take its toll on him, and to his dismay he found his eyelids becoming heavier and harder to keep open, finally letting them droop as the game on the screen came to a close. Soon, he was comfortably asleep, and loud snores not unlike the sound of a foghorn were erupting from his cheese-dust covered mouth.
Waiting outside, however, was Coquetta. This was the situation she had been anticipating all day. Finally, a Xander that was asleep, and easy to sneak up on. Dropping to her liquid form, she slid under the door of Apartment 22, and found herself standing on the soft carpet, feet away from the still snoring Xander.
"Psst..." she crooned, close to his ear, and Xander gave a gentle shudder, but still remained asleep. Coquetta grew impatient, and attempted to stir him again. "Psst! Xander..."
This time, he opened his eyes, and raised his head. "Anya?"
"Even better," replied Coquetta with a sickly simper, beside him. "You have me."
Xander threw himself out of his chair in horror, and leant against the opposite wall to Coquetta, his heart beating quickly. She was so beautiful, so elegant, her skin was even sparkling...
This must be the coqueta that Angel had warned them all about.
He automatically reached for his cell to call Anya for help, but Coquetta had other ideas, and she shook her head, softly, prowling closer to him, seductively.
"Oh no," she said, coming to a stop inches from Xander's terrified yet curious face, and drawing one line down his chest with a slender finger. "I think we'll put that phone down, yes, Xander?"
Xander nodded like a baby, and dropped his phone into her soft, white palm. She broke into a smile, her thin, pink, rosebud lips sneering at her control over the quivering man before her.
"Now," she continued, enjoying the power. "You're going to do exactly what I say." She brought her face closer. "Isn't that right?"
After Xander had bobbed his head obediently, Coquetta offered him the choice of sitting down, which he gladly accepted. She sat astride him - as she had done with Spike - and lowered her voice to a bewitching whisper.
"The Slayer," she said, her cool voice barely touching Xander's hot face. "She's your friend, I've watched you." She seemed to be talking to herself, though she was still more captivating than ever to Xander, and he felt ashamed of his admiration for her. Lost in his own daydream, he barely noticed Coquetta turn her attentions to him before she addressed him sternly. "She's the only thing in my way of ruling this Hellmouth, did you know that?"
Xander nodded, feebly. "She... she tends to get in the way of most dominations."
"Well not for long," said Coquetta draping an arm casually around Xander's neck and pulling his head to her throat. "Because you, sweetie-pie, are going to help me get rid of her."
Xander's gut twinged, though his vision was still clouded by the heavenly allure of the demon sat upon his lap. Of course, he would have to do anything the angel before him asked of him, whoever it hurt. Coquetta was sure to reward him - perhaps with a kiss!
Raising an eyebrow, she asked him, dangerously, "Any questions?"
And though it may be harming his chances of being her faithful companion, one small query burned his consciousness. "Why me?"
But before Coquetta had chance to answer him - or even show him her reaction, the couple froze in the armchair. They had heard the same thing - a key turn in the lock of the door to No. 22.
"Xander!" came Anya's screechy voice, as she came striding into the room. "Xander - oh."
She immediately caught side of Coquetta on Xander in a very compromising position, and her cheeks became very red, eyes gleaming with hurt, despair, and very obviously, anger.
"Xander?" she demanded, as Coquetta clambered off Xander calmly. "Who the hell is she?!"
"C-C-Coquet..." he started to reply, though failed to continue after glimpsing the daggers the seductress behind his girlfriend was throwing him. But it was too later. Anya had heard all she needed to.
"So you're the bitch charming the hell out of the men is this town?" she asked, whirling around to confront Coquetta. "Normally, I'd say this causes for some kind of celebration - Spike was becoming a hell of a pain constantly hanging around Buffy, and my guess is that you're welcome to him - but you are NOT WELCOME TO XANDER!"
Even Coquetta had to admire the fury spitting from Anya's tiny form. Hissing like a firework, and almost smoking like one too, stood the former demon, barely standing her ground, and ready to smack the smug grin on Coquetta's face.
Which, much to Coquetta and Xander's horror, she promptly did, with a cold, hard slap.
The demon shrieked, clutching her face, which was quickly turning redder and redder. "How dare you!" she yelled, now angrier than the ex-demon that had initiated the violence. "Do you have any idea how many centuries it took to get my skin that perfect?"
"Do you have any idea how many centuries I spent as a vengeance demon?" snarled Anya, in reply.
Coquetta dropped her hand from her face. "Of course," she said, thoughtfully. "Anyanka."
"Yes," sneered Anya, deliberately. "And you just made one big mistake, hitting on my man. With 1100 years wreaking vengeance, one or two spells are going to stick with you."
Coquetta laughed, humourlessly. "You're going to curse me?" She tried to look amused, but couldn't hide the look of apprehension on her face.
"Oh yes," replied Anya, a look of satisfaction on her face. "I'm going to curse you good."
"Another meeting?" moaned Dawn, as her older sister dragged her to the Magic Box. "But we had one last night!"
"Maybe if we'd all listened, instead of bickering, Giles would have been able to tell us everything yesterday," said Buffy, with an accusing look. Dawn fell silent, and pushed the door to the shop open without another word.
"Is Xander with you?" asked Willow, standing up as soon as she spotted Buffy.
"No..." replied Buffy, slowly. "Why?"
"Well Anya left at lunchtime to go back to Xander and they were going to come back and then-"
"He's just running late," said Tara, offering comfort to Willow, and an explanation to Buffy at the same time. Willow sat back down beside her girlfriend, and squeezed her hand, worriedly.
"Anya gone too?" asked Dawn, sitting the other side of Tara, and helping herself to a cookie from the plate at the centre of the table. "Coz, you know, they bought a new game of Battleships yesterday, maybe they're all tied up in that-"
Buffy cleared her throat loudly, and Tara giggled, nervously.
"We can start without them, I'm sure," said Giles, appearing from out of Buffy's training area, and cleaning his glasses. "We can always tell them again after."
"What about Angel?" asked Willow, and Buffy shook her head, hastily.
"We don't need him anymore," she said, quickly, and Giles raised an eyebrow inquisitively. "I - I just mean that he's told us everything. He's probably gone back to L.A with Cordelia and everybody."
Giles sniffed, not entirely in agreement, but proceeded nonetheless. He cleared his throat, and Dawn stopped chewing to listen.
"As I was saying last night-"
The door to the Magic Box burst open, and through the threshold bounded Spike, hidden beneath a smoking blanket. Buffy rolled her eyes, and got up to close the door behind him.
"Nice of you to drop in," she said, sarcastically.
Spike didn't grin - which would have been his usual response. Instead, he looked worriedly at the Scoobies, counting out loud.
"Four," he said, looking back at Buffy. "Well, five - six, including me, but..." he trailed off, realising he was off-topic. "Where are the other two?"
"We don't know," replied Willow, hurriedly - before anyone could contradict her - and mournfully. "They're meant to be here."
"Why do you care?" asked Buffy, venomously. "Why aren't you with your new girlfriend?"
"Rebound," said Spike, with his usual grin. "And you know that never ends well." He went to walk down to the table to join Dawn, Tara, Willow and Giles, but Buffy pulled him back by his collar, and yanked him back to where he stood.
"She was a demon," snarled Buffy, dangerously. "And you just let her go? Even for you, Spike, that's stupid." And she hit his arm, once, much to Dawn's discomfort.
"Alright, alright!" he cried, rubbing his arm. "I threw her out. The crazy bint was driving me barmy, she was so bloody needy... it was like domination this, Hellmouth that-"
"She wants the Hellmouth?" asked Dawn, which received a lot of pitying looks from the surrounding Scoobies. "Oh, right. Duh."
"So you just threw her out," said Buffy, conseervationally, trying to control her irritation. "A coqueta demon, and you just threw her out in the street."
"Well techincally I threw her out into the cemetery," corrected Spike, and he had to duck from another swipe from Buffy. "But, yes. I wasn't thinking, alright? I was too busy thinking about Angel and you... you know, ex-honeys, and all that."
Buffy ignored him, and Spike looked relieved that she hadn't picked up on what he had really meant. Her quick dismissal obviously meant the meeting had not gone well. This cheered Spike up considerably.
"So we have an extremely ambitious demon on the run," concluded Tara. "And two of our friends are missing. I'm adding two and two together here, anyone else?"
Buffy had barely sat down before she was out of her chair, and running to the door, collecting her jacket as sh went. Spike followed her, leaving Giles - yet again - unheard.
"Fine," he said, as the door slammed shut. "I'll just try again, tomorrow, shall I?"
"Oh please, Anyanka, you think this is going to be settled by a couple of warts?" Coquetta tried to laugh off her fate, but her voice was still shaky.
"It depends on where I put them," replied Anya, while Xander became whiter and whiter in the corner.
"Are you sure there's nothing that won't stop you wasting your magic?" questioned Coquetta, trying to strike up a bargain. "I have an Orb of Thesulah here... they make excellent paperweights..."
"Seriously overrated," said Anya, uninterested. "Unless, of course, you have a souless vamp that you need to re-ensoul... anyway - Ssh! I'm trying to think!"
"A... a secret, then?" the demon persevered. "I could tell you anything about anyone - The Immortal? He's a hoot and a half - or... Or I could tell you something very interesting about William the Bloody."
"Spike?" asked Xander, in a wobbly voice.
"That's the one," confirmed Coquetta.
"We already know he's in love with the Slayer," retorted Anya, firmly. "And indulged in the laughs that brought. Try again."
"Well," said Coquetta, wracking her memory for something worth her well-being. "Before he threw me out, I searched his computer-"
"Spike threw you out?" Xander echoed in wonder.
"Spike has a computer?" Anya repeated.
"Just about" the demon replied. "But what I found was most interesting. Of course, it took me hours to find it - I've never been one to keep in touch with technology - but I came across emails, and an account online."
"Go on," urged Anya, still following lines of text from a book labelled 'Mischievous Magick' with her finger.
"An account at Match . com under the name William," Coquetta continued. "And a number of emails from the Slayer, and Instant Message history to her!"
"Spike's been IMing Buffy?" asked Xander, confusedly. "Is this Bizarro World?"
But before Anya could decide on whether this secret was juicy enough to spare the demon, the door to No. 22 was kicked in, and Buffy Summers - who else? - appeared in the doorway.
"Nobody seduces my best friend and gets away with it," she said.