Disclaimer: The story is mine…the characters are not…get over it.

Chapter 6: Confessions of teenaged drama queens

"What do you mean, you don't know!" I said. Even though I believed her and knew that she didn't know her true feelings until it hit her square in the face. She looked at the ground in thought. It actually looked like she was searching for her pen that was underneath some clothes. Her eyes moved so fast I couldn't even catch up with her. She looked back to me after a few seconds.

"It happened so fast…" She managed to get passed her lips. It was as if she had lost her voice to the sea witch.

I sighed and looked ahead, now propped up on my elbows. I thought for a few seconds. She's never going to get any less clueless than this. Might as well ignore it then.

I got up and walked over to my desk drawer, opening it and searched for something. A few minutes later I pulled out a little brown bottle. Showing it to her, expecting to get an enthusiasm reaction from her, but it didn't come. I kept my grin on otherwise and started for the door, "I've been saving this for a special occasion." I said. She gave me a raised eyebrow as if I were crazy. Of course she didn't know what I was talking about. So I made her come downstairs with me.

I went to one of the cupboards in the kitchen and pulled out a chocolate pudding. Now I've got the reaction I was waiting for. Sango's eyes lit up like fire. She ran over and ripped it out of my hands. "Wait a second," I said taking it back a little softer than when she had grabbed it from me. She was very rough sometimes. "I have to put the chocolate chips in them first."

Sango and I love to pour chocolate chips in our chocolate pudding and stir it around. It was as good as sex…even though I'm still a virgin and hadn't had any experience just yet. But we like to call it an "Orgasm in your mouth" just for the hell of it.

I poured the chocolate chips equally in the puddings from the brown bottle I pulled from my desk drawer earlier. And once I was done Sango already took it with a spoon. How did she get a spoon so fast?

We sat in the living room and started digging in. Sango already had the music channel on. I rolled my eyes. I hate that channel.

"So you think you'll see him again?" Sango said, licking her spoon and dipping it in the pudding again.

"No." I said, even though I hoped I would.

"Why do you say that?"

I had to think. Why did I doubt ever seeing him again? I was staring into space for a few seconds. That was a hard one.

"I don't know. And even if I did meet him again…I'm sure nothing's going to happen between us. I can't really see myself with a happy ending." Oh god. Why did I just say that? I am a complete idiot! I just told her I wanted to commit myself to a complete stranger. But it seems like she didn't notice it. Which is kind of unusual. She always notices these kinds of things.

"Would you quite doubting yourself like that! There will be people out there that like you…possibly even love you. I don't know what you have against love or crushes!"

"That's not true! I believe in love, I just…" I lost my voice. Sango was staring at me with a determined face that told me to go on. I gulped softly, "I just…"

"I just don't believe anyone could fall in love with me. I think I'm the most boring, selfish, annoying little being that shouldn't have been born in the first place." My voice lost more volume as I kept speaking. "I don't deserve anything." I whispered, and looked into my pudding that was almost gone, watching myself playing around with it with my spoon. Here we go. She's gunna yell at me now.

Sango took a few minutes to think. Now that bugged me. She's letting another annoying awkward silence fall on me once again. I hate it when she does this. She turned the TV off and took two more minutes to allow another silence eat my brain away.

She finally got up and walked out of the room. I knew where she was headed. She was taking her pudding dish and spoon away. When she came back in the living room, she just stood behind my chair, although I could still see her from the corner of my eye.

"You're not boring, your not selfish," she started and let out a small snickered of disgust hit the air, "That's Kikyo's trait." She muttered before she went on, "You're not annoying…" She whispered. It was a few seconds before she spoke again, I was still staring blankly at my pudding, "And if you didn't deserve anything…you wouldn't have me." She said and was off to my room.

My eyes stung. I chewed the side of my mouth as I ran over her words in my mind over and over… "If you didn't deserve anything, you wouldn't have me." I breathed in deeply and slowly exhaled as I looked out the window, letting a single tear grace itself down my cheek. I was staring for I don't know how long before I stood up and walked into the kitchen. I wasn't sure what I was thinking about after she left to go to my room. All I know is that she said something I didn't quite understand…or was it that she didn't understand. I know I'm capable of having friends. I just don't think I deserve to have a man to love me the way I desperately need.

You're born to be a nice, generous person who respects all your friends…and you don't get treated back the same. So you figure, "Hey, if someone does love you the way you want them to. They might as well follow the same paths as the past people you've known your whole life…cuz that's what you are meant to have."

That's how I feel at least. Think about it. I was born to have heart failure right after… you would think I would be better off dying with no pain at all at birth. Because it a sign that I'll have many heartbreaks in my life as I go along…dying very very very slowly. If it wasn't for those doctors who saved my life…I could be really peaceful being dead.

I know I haven't had anything major tragic happen to me like many other people. And they probably have good reason to be sad. But I think about the things that I want everyday. I know I can't have them…and I know I will have to live without them. The things I'll do will only cause someone else trouble. I'm like a fucking tick that doesn't want to be pulled out and only causes more and more fuss. I'll ask someone if it was my fault and they'll say it wasn't. But deep inside I can still feel like I'm part of the problem…or that they're lying.

That's how I feel. I feel like I shouldn't be here. But I'm not a suicide. I wouldn't kill myself because I'm afraid. And I don't cut myself because I'm squeamish. Only to my own blood of course. I watch those doctor/hospital shows where they have surgery on someone and I'm fine with it.

I guess I only live…to get it over with. I don't have much confidence in myself…but I still manage. Just like school. I'll only work hard enough to get just past average and be happy that I barely past. I have average grades in everything but still have weaknesses. And last year in grade nine I actually found a power spot. The school signed me up for a tech course and I got high in the 90's. I was flattered. Although I did like metal shop… I'm really good at it too. Top in the class and even made good friends with the teacher.

Anyways…

What I guess I'm trying to say is, I'm not happy with living but I still go 'long. Wishing I would die fast before I get into the working field. Like being shot. I would love to die a fast and un painful death.

…

I should go upstairs and see Sango.

I walked into the room and Sango was doing the most un peculiar thing.

She was sitting in my computer chair facing the door. And she was looking at her bare arm. And what weirded me out most, was that she was softly rubbing her left arm. She looked up at me calmly and sadly. And the look on my face must have scared her, because she slid on the floor from the chair and hugged herself. I knew she was crying. But I didn't know why.

It startled me at once and I fled to her side asking her what was wrong.

She was sniffling to gain a bit more composure to talk. "I-you must feel awful." She whisper in a whimper. I raised an eyebrow. What the hell was she getting at? "What do you mean, Sango?" I asked her kindly.

"I'm going-out with Miroku-" She gasped for breath, before she looked up at me with her watery eyes. "And it must be lonely for you." She sobbed again. It confused me why she was crying about something so simple. I raised an eyebrow again, but she didn't see it. She hung her head down again as she cried even more. I was about to ask her why she said that until she looked up at me again.

"What you said downstairs…startled me. I knew how you felt. But I didn't want you to feel that way," She gasped for air again, she was still crying. "A lot of people…love you. I-I don't wish for you-to be unhappy. Kagome… I feel awful for having the one I love at my side finally…when you deserve it more."

I was shocked. Why would she say something so ridiculous? "Why the fuck would I deserve that? Sango, believe me… if I deserved something like that… I would be you!"

Why did I say that? I felt so rude. But she stopped crying. But it was from shock. She looked up at me helplessly. I felt like shooting myself. I made it sound like I wished I were her…even though…it was true…in a way.

"Kagome…"

I couldn't look at her now. I swung my head around, as if it hurt to see her terribly sad face.

"You…" She tried to say.

"I-" It was like she couldn't find anything to say… which of course was the case. Because she was trembling terribly.

"Why would you say that!" She yelled as she opened her eyes from what seemed like anger build up. She stared at me with wide eyes, obviously crying again.

"I want to slap you!" She yelled again. I winced, she sounded like my mother (even though my mother would never say that).

The tears came like two waterfalls now. I looked to the side. I couldn't look at her. I felt my eyes stinging. This was going to be the first time I cried in a while.

"You couldn't possibly believe," She gasped, "That there isn't possibly anything in this world that isn't meant to be yours." She asked me, more calmly now. I looked to her with content. But I still felt horrible.

"Kagome, you give give give. You don't take take take like everyone else. You are the most generous person I know. And even if you give people things, I can still tell you don't want to. But you still do it. That's what makes you unique. That's why you deserve what you don't get."

I furrowed my brows. She honestly saw that in me?

"Promise me you'll find what makes you happy-heck…you should be happy with what you've got now!"

"What do you-"

"I mean… you've got a lot of people who love you. You've had many guys crushing on you," there was a glint of evil that flew a crossed her glassy eyes…damn her. "And I'm definitely sure you should be happy with what you've got at home." She said. Looking around my room. I looked as well, following her eyes.

"You've got a computer in your room. You've got a TV, VCR, and a DVD player! You've got it all." She said looking at me now. I stared at her broadly. She seemed to lose the smile plastered on her face when she saw the sad look on my face. I can be stubborn sometimes.

"No," I started. "I don't have everything." I said as I stood up and walked over to my bed. She walked over and sat down beside me. I brought my knees up to hug like a teddy bear…only…I didn't have a teddy bear.

"Kagome…" Sango said calmly.

I looked out the window in loneliness. Even though Sango was there with me. I felt ineasy.

I wanted to tell her what I didn't have and how I cause everyone fuss almost everyday of my life. I wanted to tell her that she was wrong. And I probably would have. But I wasn't in the mood.

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Well that's my update so far… hoped y'all liked it. In a few chapters I'm going to reenter the cuteness (AKA: Inuyasha). So stay tuned!