Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this. I have borrowed some words and short phrases from GoF - thanks JKR.
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PLEASE READ:This chapter contains extreme R+ rated content.

Warnings: rape 'fantasy' (semi-graphic), non-con, references to pedophilia (no actual pedophilia occurs), very strong language, SLASH content

Pairings: SSHP, LVSS, LVLM

You have been warned.

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A/N: FYI - this is a censored chapter - for full text, see my profile
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Did you READ the warning above? Please do before reading any further. This is intense stuff. No flames.

So many good theories in your reviews and I can't address them all except to reiterate that Snape could not manufacture a memory of such length and detail. As to the rest - I'll let this chapter speak to your theories and add to them.
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Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 21: Do you still want to know me, Harry?

Harry couldn't think anymore.

"Ahhh," Snape whispered, a tauntingly leer in his voice, "…MY clever little boy gets it now."

'Oh my God.' Harry couldn't look at Snape anymore. He began moving towards the door.

Snape stopped him with his voice. He spat at Harry, his voice full of cruelty, "Where do you think you're going, Potter? I'm not done with you. In fact, we're just getting started."
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Without warning, a different memory begins playing itself in Harry's head. Although the location is a mystery to Harry, this is clearly a Death Eater meeting. The assembly of Death Eaters is quite large, about 50, and they are arranged in two concentric semi-circles facing their Lord and Master. Voldemort is seated at the far end on a large plush red throne. He is gazing towards one particular corner of the room, and seems quite bored with the proceedings as his various servants deliver their reports.

As the meeting continues, Harry watches as those narrow piercing red eyes focus all their attention on Severus Snape. Voldemort's eyes never leave Snape's form and Snape is looking back, meeting his gaze. Is this a test? Harry wonders.

After what seems like an eternity, Voldemort interrupts yet another of his servants. "That will do Nott. Now, Snape," he says simply, his eyes still never leaving Snape's face.

Snape steps forward into the middle of the circle, and kneels in front of Voldemort. "Yes, my Lord."

"Take off your mask, my servant. I want to see your face." Snape slides off his hood and removes his mask.

The Death Eaters begin whispering excitedly amongst themselves. They all seem fairly eager, as though they have been waiting for this moment all night. Harry shivers at the thought.

"I am somewhat surprised to see you return so eagerly to me," Voldemort says with cold amusement.

"I am always at your service, my Lord," Snape replies humbly, his face as unreadable as ever.

"Do you have anything of use for me or are you just here to entertain me again?" Voldemort asks, a sadistic smile creeping onto his face.

The Death Eaters begin to laugh and jeer at Snape, led by Lucius Malfoy, who is eyeing Snape hungrily.

"Yes, my Lord. I believe I have some useful information for you." Snape proceeds to tell Voldemort about a rumor he has heard about a plan to move the Order's headquarters. Voldemort looks immediately interested – this information is apparently confirmed by something Macnair has heard. After a few more of Voldemort's questions about this new development are answered, Voldemort seems satisfied.

"Excellent, Severus. I knew you just needed some motivation," he says cruelly. "But now, I must ask you Severus, what is the status of our plan regarding Harry Potter?"

Snape's eyes flash momentarily with something resembling fear, but his face returns to its impassive state a second later. "My Lord, I approached Dumbledore about arranging more private lessons as you suggested and I fear I have learned the reason for Dumbledore's apprehensions," Snape says nervously.

"Show me!" Voldemort demands.

Snape locks his eyes with Voldemort. Harry realizes he is showing Voldemort the memory he has just seen – the memory that has left him confused about Snape's loyalties.

Voldemort speaks after considering the memory for only a moment: "It appears his trust in you has been comprised. I am not happy," he says very calmly. And then, just as casually, he remembers: "Crucio."

Snape is suddenly on the ground, writhing – his body spasming uncontrollably. It appears to Harry that his whole body is screaming – but not one sound crosses his lips. After a few more moments, Voldemort lifts the curse and abruptly Snape begins gasping for air, as though he has been unable to breath during his ordeal. He musters enough control of his limbs to crawl towards Voldemort. He kisses the hem of his robe and bows his head down so low that his forehead touches the ground.

A moment later, Snape speaks, his voice a hoarse whisper: "Thank you, my Lord." Harry is astonished by the absurdity of Snape's words of gratitude, but realizes this ritual must be another of Voldemort's sick psychological control tactics.

Voldemort speaks casually to Snape, as though he has not just tortured him: "So Dumbledore is not as foolish as we thought. But your position in the Order is apparently safe as this new information about headquarters is quite useful." Voldemort is lost in thought for a moment. "Very well, Severus, you will, of course, continue your spying on the Order for me. But in the meantime, work on growing close to Dumbledore again. It will take time, but I'm sure you will find ways to ingratiate yourself to the old man. After all, you did it once, you can do it again. Perhaps you can seek his help and forgiveness for this perversity he is convinced you possess. Albus Dumbledore has always had a weakness for the repentant."

"Yes, my Lord. You are very wise, as always."

Voldemort's voice lowers suddenly and he speaks just above a whisper. "And now there is something I must know. Is it true, what Dumbledore said, about your…depraved desires for the boy?"

Snape bows his head and speaks in the same whisper, "Yes, my Lord."

"Tell me, my servant, why have you not shared these desires with me before?"

Snape answers meekly, "I was ashamed of my weakness, my Lord. I am sorry."

The Death Eaters are now chuckling with anticipation. They smell blood and they are waiting for the axe to fall. Voldemort raises his hand into the air, silencing them. There is a glint of something in his eyes. Harry can't quite place it – but he thinks it looks like a combination of lust and amusement.

"I have long suspected that young boys are your weakness, Severus," Voldemort says and then continues in a somewhat puzzled tone, "But I did not know about this desire for Harry Potter…"

Voldemort pauses for a minute, staring into Snape's eyes – he is silently searching Snape's mind for something, compelling Snape to share his secrets. He seems to give up for a moment and then intones, "Legilimens!"

Harry watches as small beads of moisture begin to form on Snape's brow – and is alarmed to note that his normally impassive expression becomes increasingly transparent during Voldemort's assault. The force of the spell is strong – Harry can almost feel the weight of Voldemort's magic bearing down on Snape – penetrating his mind. After a couple of minutes, Voldemort's eyes flash suddenly – his expression rapt and exultant – as though he has found what he was looking for.

"You've been lusting after Harry Potter for years now, haven't you, Severus? Since he first came to school. And that old man's been standing in your way this entire time?"

A momentary flash of surprise crosses Snape's face, as though he had not expected Voldemort to see this information, but his face quickly returns to his impassive gaze. A quiet, almost embarrassed whisper leaves Snape's mouth: "Yes, my Lord."

A long moment of silence passes, as Voldemort carefully studies Severus Snape, who is still humbly on his knees at the feet of his Master. The Death Eaters seem confused now, apparently wondering why Snape is still alive, why he is not writhing on the ground in pain. Their astonishment only increases at Voldemort's next request.

"Come here, Severus. Come sit with me," he says, gesturing to his lap, "and tell me about these desires."

Snape acts unsurprised by the request, but his deadpan expression makes it impossible for Harry to know what he is really thinking. Snape sits down on Voldemort's lap and with Voldemort's coaxing, Snape leans his back against his Dark Lord's chest.

"Tell me, Severus. Tell me everything," Voldemort whispers in Snape's ear, placing his hand gently across Snape's chest. The gesture is so intimate, it is easy to forget that there are 50 others watching.

Snape begins to speak slowly. His voice is very quiet, a declaration that his words are meant for Voldemort alone. "I often watch him when he is not aware that I am looking. He is so young – so unspoiled. His innocence is my aphrodisiac. I want to drink it in as I defile him. I want to break him, make him bleed under me as I take him." Harry watches in horror as Voldemort's hand leaves Snape's chest and reaches between Snape's legs.

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Harry had been shivering in disgust and fear for some time now. He was trying to remain calm – to watch what Snape was showing him. But this was too much for him to bear. He tried yet again unsuccessfully to break the connection with Snape. He didn't want to see anymore.

"LET ME OUT!" he bellowed at the top of his lungs.

There was no response, the memory continued on, playing in Harry's mind. He could not stop it – and unlike events occurring in real time, he could not ignore it. He tried to close his eyes – but realized quickly that you cannot close your eyes to a memory when it is being forced into your brain. He had only one option left. To beg!

"Please STOP! I don't want to see this. I don't want to see anymore," Harry pleaded.

Snape's voice resonated inside his head, as though he were standing all around him. "What's the matter, Potter?" the voice asked cruelly. "Are you not an adult anymore? You wanted to know. You begged me to show you. You think you know me? YOU KNOW NOTHING!"

"Please…no more!"

Suddenly, pain was shooting up and down Harry's body. It was a strange sensation – the pain was coming from a memory, but to Harry it seemed all too real in that moment. Snape was making him relive his memory of his encounter with Voldemort in the Riddle graveyard again – when Voldemort had cast the Cruciatus curse on Harry. Suddenly the pain was gone and Harry knew he hadn't been breathing as he started gasping, begging for air to fill his thirsty lungs.

"Do NOT interrupt again," Snape's voice said savagely.

Suddenly Harry was back in the memory again – a few moments before he had begun begging Snape to end this torture. Snape had 'rewound' the memory for him.

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"Tell me, Severus. Tell me everything," Voldemort murmurs seductively in Snape's ear.

Snape whispers: "I often watch him when he is not aware that I am looking. He is so young – so unspoiled. His innocence is my aphrodisiac. I want to drink it in as I defile him. I want to break him, make him bleed under me as I take him." Voldemort's hand moves to Snape's groin.

"Oh Severus, you are becoming hard just thinking about it, aren't you? Take it out for me, Severus. Show me how much you want him."

Snape does as he is instructed. Harry tries to look away, but he cannot. True to Voldemort's word, Snape is already half-hard. Voldemort reaches over and places his hand around Snape's exposed erection and begins to gently caress it.

"Tell me, Severus – describe to me in detail how you would do it."

Snape hesitates for barely a moment, but speaks as though the answer is on the tip of his tongue: "Initially, I immobilize him just enough to keep him from fleeing. I remove his outer robes slowly, watching his eyes the whole time. When you look into his eyes, my Lord, you can see straight through him. He is so wide open – he does not even know."

By now, Voldemort has whispered a lubrication spell for his hand, which he is moving up and down Snape's length, stroking him firmly, but very slowly. Snape's breathing has deepened, evidence that he is enjoying these attentions very much.

The other Death Eaters look on in stunned shock – this is clearly a completely new site to them. They have never seen their Dark Lord be so tender, so intimate with one of their own. Bewildered, they watch as their Master's lips, which so often utter harsh Unforgivables, now whisper soft erotic urgings in Snape's ear.

One of the group makes a noise – perhaps angling for a better view, and Voldemort casts a silent Crucio in his direction.

Voldemort speaks more loudly this time, making sure his followers hear him. "We will not be interrupted again. Go on, Severus."

"I tell him that I am going to take him. I explain that fighting will only make it worse on him. I carefully undress him, removing all his clothing and examine his pale, perfect flesh. It is cold. Perhaps he shivers. Then I begin to undress, and I make sure to watch his eyes widen in horror at the size of my erection."

"Yes. You are very big, Severus," Voldemort murmurs in Snape's ear, his voice returning to that intimate whisper.

Snape continues: "I kiss him all over his body, waiting patiently for his tears to come. When they do, I lick them all up, tasting his innocence."

Voldemort is still stroking Snape, the look of lust in his eyes is growing exponentially. By now, Snape has thrown his head back, resting it on Voldemort's shoulder – surrendering himself to the pleasure his Dark Lord is giving him.

"I tell him that I will be gentle with him if he behaves, if he pleases me. I remove the immobilizing spell. He remains frozen."

Voldemort speaks again, this time his voice has changed to a strangled hiss: "Are you telling him the truth Severusssss? Will you be gentle?"

Snape replies breathily: "Noooo…" Snape moans loudly as Voldemort squeezes him harder, clearly aroused himself by Snape's answer. Voldemort is breathing heavily now, his slit-like nostrils dilating in excitement.

Voldemort whispers in Severus's ear: "Do you feel how hard I am, Severus, from your desires?"

"Yesssss," Snape hisses back.

"Don't you think we should do something about that?" Voldemort asks.

Snape snaps himself out of his own pleasure and begins to move. He is moving to get up, to satisfy Voldemort, but Voldemort stills him, holding him tight. Instead, he swings Snape's legs up to his right side, so that Snape is now lying across Voldemort's lap on his back, as one would cradle a small child. Levitating pillows support Snape's head and feet. Voldemort murmurs another spell, removing Snape's under robes, freeing him completely. His hand never releases his grasp on Snape's erection. This change in position has now freed a spot between Voldemort's legs.

"Lucius, get over here," Voldemort says, motioning to his erection. Lucius Malfoy steps forward, and moves towards Voldemort. Soon he is on his knees, and Harry watches as he opens Voldemort's lower robes, freeing his Master. Harry shivers in disgust at what he sees. Harry tries to look away again as Lucius begins attending to Voldemort, but Snape is making it impossible, still in complete control of what Harry is seeing.

"Would you like someone to attend to you as well, Severus?" Voldemort offers graciously. "Macnair, perhaps? He has such a slutty mouth."

"No, my Lord, thank you. I prefer your hand, my Lord," Snape says with a reverence all too evident in his voice and eyes.

"Of course you do, Severus," Voldemort says with a narcissistic smile on his face. "Please continue, Severus. Tell me what you do to Harry Potter next."

"I tell him to take me into his mouth. He hesitates, but the rising anger in my eyes causes him to submit. His fear is palpable – and it is driving me wild. Slowly, he places his lips around me. I tell him what I want and he does as he is told…"

Voldemort breaks this quiet moment suddenly, smacking Lucius hard across the face. "Aren't you listening to Severus's beautiful story? Do what Harry is doing for Severus. I will not tell you again," he spits angrily.

"Yes, my Lord," Lucius replies dutifully.

"Go on Severus, please," Voldemort whispers tenderly in Snape's ear.

"The feel of his mouth around me is causing me to lose control. I want so badly to grasp his hair and be rough with him, but I hold back, making a mental note to save that for later."

Although Voldemort does not hold back with Lucius, his attention remains keenly focused on Snape's pleasure, and he does not halt his motions for even an instant.

Snape continues: "I turn him around and whisper into his ear that I am going to take him now – with no preparation, the only lubricant is his saliva. Then I carefully explain to him why. I tell him that I never want him to forget the feeling of me inside him – that I want him to carry it with him always. I tell him that if I take him this way, the feeling will be infinitely more intense. I can smell his fear. It is so heavy in the air. I think I might come just then because of it." Snape closes his eyes and emits a low groan, as if the thought itself is too much for him.

"I force him to his knees and position myself…" Snape says, pausing for a moment, knowing what his Lord wants. Sheer terror flashes in Lucius's eyes as he realizes what Voldemort is about to do.

"Go on, Severus," Voldemort murmurs urgently.

"I wait, just a moment, until he begs me to stop. He begs so beautifully…with such exquisitely innocent whimpers," Snape moans, his voice rapid with lust. Voldemort's eyes on are fire now and he is clutching Snape in his arms tighter than ever – like a prized possession.

"I take him in one movement. His scream is like the finest wine. He begins writhing against me, fighting hard, desperately trying to escape the pain – but I am holding him steady." Snape pauses again, this time watching as Voldemort enacts his fantasy with Lucius, whose screams remain unheard. Voldemort has cast a silencing spell, clearly not wanting to interrupt Snape's story.

"Tell me how Harry Potter feels, Severusssss," Voldemort hisses.

"Oh…he is amazing. And I take him so hard, it is almost unbearable. I want him to know that he is mine – that I possess him – that I OWN him. That he is NOTHING without me now."

"Oh yessssss," Voldemort moans into Snape's ear.

Voldemort reaches his other hand over towards Snape's Dark Mark. Harry has seen Voldemort inflict pain this way before, but as Voldemort presses his finger against Snape's flesh, Snape howls, his body nearly flies into the air, bucking up wildly – his breathing now completely erratic.

Voldemort raises his other hand and strokes Snape's cheek, almost affectionately, as he asks, "Does your Master know how to give you pleasure, Severusssss?"

"Yessssssss," Snape hisses, eyes wild with ecstasy. "Ohhhh yesssssss," Snape says through hitching breaths born from crushing pleasure.

"Go on, Severusssss," Voldemort urges.

Snape takes a few moments to control his breathing. He is panting as he speaks, "He is willing his body not to respond as he struggles wildly beneath me, but I take my time, knowing that his flesh will betray him. He cannot resist; soon he is hard. And he is crying again – lovely tears. I hear him moan through his sobs. Oh, it's the most delicious sound! I taunt him with my words: 'You want this, don't you, Harry? My little whore likes this.' I am so eager to taste his shame and humiliation. I reach down, coating my fingers in it, and then I taste it. It's sooooo gooooood."

Voldemort intensifies his strokes to a maddening pace.

Snape needs no more encouragement from Voldemort to continue his story – he seems completely absorbed in it now.

"The taste of him on my lips and the feel of his heat beneath me pushes me over the edge. I know I am there. I come hard – marking him as mine forever…"

"Oh yessssss. Come inside Harry, Severusssssss. Come and say his name," Voldemort commands.

With one long hard stroke from Voldemort, Snape begins coming, and screams lustfully: "Haaaarrryy…Haaaarrryy…"

The sound of Snape's scream makes Voldemort come as well. But Voldemort does not neglect Snape for even a moment, making sure he has given him full release. By now, Lucius is lying on the ground, wincing from pain as he has finally regained control over his body.

Minutes later, Voldemort, who is still cradling Snape tightly to him, whispers in Snape's ear with perverse tenderness.

"I enjoyed that very much, Severus."

"As did I, my Lord. Thank you."

Snape slowly raises himself off of Voldemort's lap. But instead of customarily kneeling at Voldemort's feet, Snape kneels instead at Voldemort side, and bows so that he rests his forehead on his Dark Lord's thigh. The gesture is obscenely intimate.

Snape speaks with the utmost reverence: "Thank you, my Lord, for that magnificent gift."

"You are welcome, Severus."

In a return of his servant's intimacy, Voldemort suggestively places his hand on the back of Snape's head, the tips of his bony fingers just touching the exposed skin at the base of Snape's neck. After another lingering moment, Voldemort raises his hand and beckons Snape to meet his eyes.

"Now, my loyal servant, your next task is to regain the old man's trust. I realize it will take time, but when the time comes, Severus, you will kill Dumbledore for me, and you will bring me Harry Potter."

Snape speaks eagerly, with no hesitation in his voice: "I will do everything you ask of me, my Lord."

"I know you will, Severus. And I will reward you for your loyalty. I shall let you be the first to have the boy. Harry Potter will be yours, Severus!"

Snape's eyes light up with perverse rapture, a depraved smile on his face: "Thank you, my Lord. Your generosity is without bounds." Snape kneels back down and begins fervently kissing the hem of Voldemort's robes, apparently lost in his submissive reverie. After a moment, he rises slightly and reaches for Voldemort's bony hand – cradling the bottom of his Dark Lord's wrist in his left hand, while gently holding the long fingers in his right. Snape presses his lips to the knuckles of Voldemort's outstretched hand – the gesture is so slow, so absolute, there can be no doubt of the man's devotion. A distinct smile appears on Voldemort's face.

Voldemort's eyes possess a deranged glint as he speaks, his visage still wide with that disturbing smile. "Yesss, Severussss. I knew you would like that. But for now, we will bide our time and wait for the right moment. And in the meantime, my servant, I'm sure you will find other ways to fulfill your desires."

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Suddenly, without warning, Harry felt himself being released from the memory – from Snape's hold on his mind. Now in control of his body once more, Harry, who had been feeling unbearably sick for some time now, sank immediately down to the ground and began retching uncontrollably.

As he looked up at Snape, he felt his throat tighten with fear and betrayal. Harry stood up unsteadily. Snape's dark eyes met his without hesitation.

Snape began speaking, his voice low and deranged: "So, now you finally know the truth, Potter. It is not what you expected, is it? Now you see who Severus Snape really is." Snape took a step forward, his eyes flashing dangerously and a maniacal smile spreading across his face.

Harry began to falter back towards the door, but Snape met his movements, advancing on him.

He taunted Harry with a leer in his voice, "Where are you going?"

Harry trembled, recognizing the same depraved look on Snape's face as when Voldemort had offered Harry to him in the memory.

Still advancing on Harry, Snape spoke in a sinister, seductive whisper.

"Tell me, do you like it? Do you like what you saw? Do you still want to come here for lessons? Do you still want to fall asleep on that couch with me watching you? Do you still want to…know me…Haaaarrryy?"

Harry was enveloped in a cold sweat hearing the way Snape had spoken his given name – in that same lust-filled tone as he had used while coming in Voldemort's arms. Dear God help me, Harry thought and somehow he summoned the strength to move his feet, which felt glued to the floor.

Harry staggered into a run. He fled from the dungeon, up the staircase, down the corridor, up Gryffindor tower and into his room. By the time he got there, his face was wet with tears, and he became sick again at the foot of his bed. And it seemed to go on forever – vomiting had given way long ago to painful dry heaving. He forced some of the emotions away, burying them, and that helped him regain control over his body again.

And suddenly, the full force of all he had witnessed hit him. It can't be…it can't! As the realization that those memories were indeed real dawned on Harry, he felt something deep inside his soul shatter – something he knew could never, would never be fixed.

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A/N: PLEASE please please review. This was one of my favorite chapters to write - did I tell you I was sick and twisted or what?

Mega-thanks to Kelei for her delicious betaing!

Thanks to all my reviewers! I was thrilled to no end by your confusion and outrage and crazy and not-so-crazy theories. I hope this chapter has shed a bit more light on the truth for you. And I can't wait to read what you have to say now. Please!

The full text of this chapter is up on Ink stained fingers (see my Author Profile for the link). If you liked what you read here and you are of age, I recommend reading the full text version of this chapter.

Oh my! What on earth have I done, you ask? In the words of our brilliant and apparently depraved Potions master, I hope I have "shattered your ridiculous illusions."

In the next chapter, Because I know, Severus, Harry is understandably shaken and well...broken. Despite what he now knows, he decides that at the moment, his fear of Snape outweighs his confusion over Dumbledore's role in all of this. Scared out of his wits, he makes his way to Dumbledore's office, praying he doesn't encounter the deranged Severus Snape on the way.

PLEASE (pretty please) review.