A/N: Gah. Thank you all so much! KatanaKira – Thanks, hun. I really do love Regulus, too. But his story is not exactly a happy one, is it? Padfootslittlegirl – Aww, I love you too! LOL. And thank you so much. I hate it when people make Regulus out to be a clone!Draco. The relationship that I've written for them seems so much more realistic to me given what we know of the two characters, you know? Theodore-Bonante– Thanks, sugar. I hope I wasn't too long with this update. :) Fazkleto – Wow. Thank you. I'm so glad that everyone appreciates my Regulus because I really worked at digging into his character and trying to flesh him out into a real person. You're right about the irony though. It's a sad story, really. Captain Oz – LOL. Well, I hope the smut doesn't disappoint. And I don't know if making you want to cry is necessarily a good thing, but I'll take it as a compliment. :) JennytheSpam – Well, thank you! –takes a bow- LOL. I'm glad you liked the suicide scene. I wasn't sure about the way it turned out when I first wrote it, but it was important to have it in there. Hpfan4life1313 – Three reviews at once! Thanks, hun. I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. KawaiiMegami86 – Ugh, don't you hate how stupid can be sometimes? But thanks for the review! I'm glad I didn't actually make you cry at work. :) Katrina – Thanks, love! I hope you like the smut! Rach – LOL. I knew you were only here for the smut. ;) Tayler – You and your incessant nagging! LOL. You know I love you. Here's your update!
Disclaimer: I own the plot, but not much else.
Warning: Remus and Sirius are both boys. In this chapter they have sex. That, my dears, is what we call SLASH.
Rating: M – for the boy!sex and what-not.
Okay, so everyone made fun of me when I used to put warning markers around the sex scenes in 'Seventeen', so I'm not going to do that this time. But you have been WARNED. There is SEX in this chapter, and it is between TWO BOYS. If you want to read the clean version just comment with your email and I will be happy to send it to you.
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Chapter Four: Hope
Sirius scanned the newspaper without really reading it. He was really just looking for something to occupy his hands so he would stop fidgeting. They were still at the hospital and Sirius hated hospitals. He and James had been given a clean bill of health, but Remus's mistreatment had apparently been severe. The healers had informed him that it seemed likely that the Cruciatus curse had been used on Remus several times, and Sirius was right – he hadn't been fed in a number of days, at least.
Sirius was about to set down the paper and resume his pacing when the mention of his surname in one of the side articles drew his attention. He skimmed the article, wondering vaguely which one of his relatives was heading to Azkaban this time. But what he read caused his heart to skip a beat; Regulus was dead.
He sat up straighter in the hard-backed hospital chair, reading the article more fully. Another death eater attack, it said. The article attempted to portray Regulus as a victim, but the author's bias was clear – he was a Black and therefore he had probably not been wholly innocent.
Sirius let the paper drop to the table beside him, running a hand through his hair. After everything, he couldn't find any anger left inside himself. Regulus was still his brother and he loved him, despite all that had happened between them. After all, he was the reason they had gotten Remus back. A pang of guilt in his heart told him he hadn't done everything he could to keep him safe. I should have taken him with me when I left, he thought for the hundredth time.
He quickly decided that his brother's death was just too much on top of everything else. If he didn't get a strong drink in his hand in the next five minutes, he was going to lose it entirely.
"Where are you going?" James asked, grabbing his arm, as he headed towards the long row of elevators.
"I need to get out of here." Sirius responded gruffly, pulling away.
"Well, I was just coming to find you." James told him. "Remus is up. He's asking for you."
Sirius closed his eyes for a moment before he turned around to face James. Dealing with Regulus's death would just have to wait; Remus needed him now.
"Okay," He answered shortly, ignoring James's inquisitive look as they walked back toward Remus's room.
Remus was actually sitting up in bed when they arrived. He looked much better than he had the night before, but he still looked about as beat up as he usually did after a full moon – not good considering the actual full moon would be tomorrow night. Sirius hated to think of Remus spending the night locked up in one of the hospital's 'werewolf rooms'. He was hoping James could find a way to convince the other healers that he would actually do better in his own environment during the moon, but there was no guarantee they would listen.
Remus smiled weakly when he saw Sirius.
"Hey," he offered.
"Hey," Sirius replied, feeling a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth, despite everything.
"I'm going to go talk to some of the other healers," James said quickly. "I'll be back soon."
As soon as James left, Remus smile faltered a bit. Sirius knew that look; it was the same look Remus always got when he wanted to talk about something and wasn't sure Sirius would like the topic. Sirius steeled himself for whatever was coming.
"How did you find me?" Remus finally asked, hesitating slightly as if that wasn't what he'd planned to say.
Sirius exhaled slowly. So this was going to be about Regulus, then.
"You know how." He said evenly.
He desperately wished they could talk about something else – anything else. Especially since Remus was still in the dark about Regulus's fate. Besides, they hadn't seen each other in nearly a month. All Sirius wanted to do was pull Remus into his arms and never let go.
"Sirius, I –" Remus began, but Sirius cut him off.
"We can talk about it later," he said quickly.
Remus continued to frown worriedly, wrinkling his brow in deep thought.
"I missed you." Sirius whispered, trying to pull him back to the present.
Remus expression lightened instantly. He grasped Sirius's hand and pulled him down to sit on the edge of the bed.
"I missed you too," he said.
& & &
When the full moon came the following night, it saw Remus chained to the pipes in the bathroom of the flat that he and Sirius shared. It had taken some convincing, but James had managed to secure Remus's release late that morning.
Sirius had voiced his displeasure at the thought of Remus being chained up again, but the fact was that he wasn't strong enough to run free under the guard of his animagus friends as he usually did. In the state he was in his human side would be completely lost to the power of the wolf; they simply couldn't risk it. Still, that didn't keep Sirius from sulking for the better part of the day.
Now he sat with Remus on the floor of the bath, waiting for the moon to rise. Remus had protested, but he was much too weak to win any arguments against a stubborn Sirius. In an ironic sense, Remus almost felt as though he were seventeen again, sharing that first moon with Sirius in their old flat in London. It made his heart ache to think how much had changed since then.
All at once he felt as though every bone in his body was breaking and he realized that the moon had just shown itself. With the exception of his very first, it was quite possibly the most agonizing transformation of his life. It felt more real to him than it ever had before and he realized that it wasn't just because he was still recovering from his time with the death eaters. His last coherent thought before the wolf took him was that he could actually see his pain mirrored in Sirius's stormy dark grey eyes.
& & &
Full moons used to be fun for Sirius. When he first found out about Remus's furry little problem (as James had affectionately referred to his lycanthropy in their days at Hogwarts) he had thought it was this amazing and exciting new thing. Of course he registered the pain his friend went through every month, but it was overshadowed by the thrill of each month's adventure. Then, at the very end of sixth year, Sirius had actually been in the room during the transformation for the first time. It was one thing to hear the pain his friend suffered during the change, but it was quite another to actually see it. It had been too much for his sixteen year old self; he had actually thrown up directly afterwards.
Even these days, he tried to avoid watching the transformation itself. He couldn't stand to see the man he loved in so much pain. Every night he wished there was something he could do to ease the pain, if only a little. Full moons no longer meant fun to him.
He thought all of this as he watched Remus sleep, curled up in the center of their bed, the exhaustion from the night before erased from his features as his breath made soft indentations in the pillow. Sirius would have crawled into bed next to him hours ago, but he didn't want to risk disturbing the other boy's peace.
Slowly, Remus began to blink his eyes open, giving Sirius a weary smile.
"What are you doing all the way over there?" he asked, confused and not fully awake.
Sirius didn't need any further invitation. He forced his stiff joints to pull himself out of the chair and onto the bed next to his boyfriend. He kissed Remus lightly on the forehead in greeting.
"How're you feeling?" he questioned softly.
"Better," Remus answered and, remarkably – given the intense agony of the night before, he actually looked true to his word. He had various cuts and bruises as normal, but his energy seemed partially restored. He actually looked healthier than he had since they rescued him from his death eater prison.
Remus leaned forward for a kiss and Sirius was taken back by the force behind it. On the rare occasions that they tried anything after a full moon, it was usually light and gentle, but Remus's kiss was fierce and demanding. He ignored the pain coursing through his body and focused solely on Sirius. They had been apart for three long weeks; as far as he was concerned, they had a lot to make up for.
Sirius remained hesitant, but Remus was persistent. He pushed their bodies closer together, pushing his hands up through Sirius's shirt, searching for contact. It didn't take long for Sirius's resolve to melt away. He could feel Remus trying not to flinch when he touched him, but then there was Remus's tongue in his mouth and his hands on the small of his back and ohgod it had been so long.
Then suddenly the hands on his back were digging into his flesh and he was gasping in shock and pain. He looked up into Remus's eyes and he almost thought he saw the wolf staring back at him.
He tried to pull away again, but Remus wouldn't have it. He let out a low growl at the loss of contact and grasped Sirius roughly by the shoulders, pushing him back against the headboard forcefully. He worked his way up Sirius's neck, licking and biting, eliciting sharp moans as Sirius writhed beneath him. When he found his way to Sirius's mouth he kissed him fiercely, pinning his arms above his head.
"Mine," he whispered, their mouths still inches apart.
"Always," Sirius managed before he was silenced once again.
He was able to halt Remus just long enough to remove both of their shirts. Remus's skillful tongue began to explore his chest as he undid his fly and somehow managed to kick off his jeans and boxers. He moved his hand to do the same for Remus, but Remus stopped him. He pulled back and began to undress himself, tantalizingly slow in his movements.
Sirius leaned back to watch his boyfriend, his eyes darkened with lust. When Remus had finished undressing, he slowly crawled back over to Sirius, covering his body completely with his own. Sirius gasped as Remus's hard cock slid against his own, already slick with precum. He arched his hips eagerly, searching for more contact, but Remus put a firm hand on his hip to still him.
"Bad dog," he murmured into Sirius's ear before tugging gently at the lobe with his teeth.
Sirius moaned something incoherent, desperate for release.
"So long," he finally gasped, still trying to thrust even though Remus's hand kept him firmly pinned down, "so lost without you."
Sirius's felt Remus's grip tighten for a moment before disappearing altogether. The hand that had been on his hip moved to tangle itself in his hair as Remus pulled him in for another intensely passionate kiss. He could feel Remus beginning to lose control. He'd never been good at pretending – not with Sirius.
"I missed you so much," he whispered brokenly and Sirius could taste his tears.
And all at once they were moving together in tandem, kissing and thrusting recklessly like they had done in the beginning. Sirius, already so close, didn't last long before he was shuddering in Remus's arms. Remus followed closely, the vibrations that traveled up his spine as Sirius moaned into his neck being enough to send him over the edge as well.
They lay together in each other's arms afterwards, breathing heavily and soaking up the togetherness after being kept apart for so many weeks.
"You were going to kill yourself," Sirius said quietly, breaking the silence. It wasn't a question.
"But I didn't," Remus replied, his voice trembling slightly.
It was a long time before either of them fell asleep.
& & &
After it happened, the first person James wanted to tell was Sirius. It hadn't escaped his mind that the full moon had been the night before and that Remus would be suffering, but his good news simply couldn't wait. He was so excited he was practically giddy. He felt as though he had drunk a gallon of coffee that morning instead of his usual two cups. His hands were actually shaking as he sprinkled the floo powder into the fire place.
When he arrived at Remus and Sirius's flat, he was surprised how quiet it was. He realized with disappointment that there might not be anyone home, but he called out Sirius's name once, just in case.
No one answered at first and he was about to head back to the fireplace when he heard some shuffling coming from the bedroom. After a moment, Sirius appeared, still in the process of pulling on a robe.
"Still in bed at this hour?" James asked.
Sirius raised an eyebrow in response and James felt a blush rise to his cheeks.
"Oh, right," he muttered, after a few seconds. "Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything."
"No, it's alright," Sirius told him with a shrug, plopping down on the frayed old couch, "Moony's asleep – the moon was pretty rough on him last night. I was trying to keep him company 'till he woke up but I think he'll be awhile."
It was only a half truth, but Sirius knew that while James was fine with their relationship in theory, he was still very uncomfortable when confronted with it in reality. As Sirius expected, James relaxed visibly at his words and took a seat on the couch opposite him.
"Well, I didn't mean to barge in, but I've got some news," he told Sirius, leaning forward slightly with anticipation.
"Good news?" Sirius questioned instantly.
"Very good news," James confirmed, grinning like a lunatic.
"Well," Sirius urged, when James didn't offer anything else, "out with it!"
"Lily and I," James said slowly, pausing for dramatic effect, "are getting married."
"You're what?" Sirius asked, staring at James in disbelief.
"We're getting married," James repeated.
"But…you're only nineteen," Sirius finally said, shaking his head slightly.
"I'm almost twenty!" James shot back defensively. "Besides, Lily and I have been dating for three full years now. I love her. I want to marry her."
"When?" Sirius asked.
James hesitated before divulging the date. Obviously, he had expected a slightly more enthusiastic response from his best mate.
"Two weeks," he said after a moment, his tone daring Sirius to comment.
Sirius bit his lip to keep from demanding what kind of fools get married in the middle of February. Instead, he was spared from any comment at all when Remus suddenly appeared at the door to the bedroom.
He was clad solely in his plaid pajama bottoms, his hair mussed from the pillow, wearing a sleepy expression across his features. He grinned at James when he noticed him on the couch.
"Hey Prongs," he said cheerfully. "I thought I heard voices."
"Jamsie just popped over to inform us of his impending nuptials with one Lily Evans," Sirius informed him.
"Oh," Remus replied, starting visibly. After a pause he added, "Congratulations, mate."
"See," James said, gesturing towards Remus, but glaring at Sirius, "how hard was that?"
"I just don't see what the rush is," Sirius admitted. "Why not wait and have a spring wedding like normal people?"
James opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again. He looked as though he was trying to think of an answer that Sirius would actually accept.
"Who knows where we'll be in the spring?" the gloomy question came from Remus, causing the other two to glance up at him sharply.
"He's right, isn't he?" Sirius asked, turning back to James. "This is about fear."
"No, it's about love," James replied quickly, though he was blushing slightly.
He stood up suddenly, shrugging his shoulders as if to shrug off the weight that had just settled upon them.
"I was going to ask you to be my best man," he said lightly, "but see if I do now."
This, finally, caused Sirius to break out in a true grin.
"Well," he said after a long moment, "there will have to be a bachelor party."
"Which I will definitely be leaving up to Moony," James laughed, turning to Remus as he spoke. "You do remember what happened when we let him plan the quidditch cup victory party sixth year?"
Remus gave a dramatic shudder at the memory.
"Unfortunately, that night has been burned into my brain for all eternity," he answered solemnly, his eyes bright with suppressed laughter.
"Alright, alright, enough of that," Sirius said, standing as well and shoving James towards the fireplace. "If you don't mind, Moony and I need to reorganize the library."
"Oh, is that what they're calling it now?" James asked, waggling his eyebrows in a slightly disturbing way, before disappearing into the fire.
Remus was still giggling as Sirius turned away from the fireplace with a scowl.
"Reorganize the library?" Remus asked, eyebrow raised.
"I needed him to get lost so we could talk about him." Sirius explained.
"Yes," Remus agreed, "but, 'reorganize the library'?"
"I don't understand why they need to get married now," Sirius exclaimed, pointedly ignoring Remus's comment. "I mean, so the war is getting to him and he's scared. I get that. But getting married? What good does that do?"
"All they're doing is defining their love," Remus said, suddenly more serious, staring out the window. "Why shouldn't they be allowed to love each other?"
Sirius swallowed his reply at Remus's phrasing, turning to look at him. With a sigh, he slumped back down onto the couch, wondering what his boyfriend was really thinking about as he looked out their small, third-story window.
Why shouldn't they be allowed to love each other?
He ran a hand though his hair in frustration, wondering what on earth he was supposed to say to that.
In the end, he said nothing.
& & &
"You know, I couldn't stand you for the longest time," Lily said, her voice full of love, and her eyes slightly teary, "but now I can't even imagine my life without you in it."
She looked absolutely beautiful, Remus thought, standing beside James in her long white gown. She had pinned up her red curls with tiny white rosebuds and she held a bouquet of the same in her hands. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her look so radiant with happiness.
"Today, I give you my heart, James Potter," she continued, a slight tremor in her voice, "and I promise to love you until the end of the world."
James smiled and took her hands in his, not even noticing as the meticulously arranged bouquet fell to the ground.
"I might not always have the right words or say the right things," he told her, "but I do love you, Lily Evans, more than breathing."
Hearing James's words, Remus almost felt like an intruder, listening to something that was not meant for his ears. He glanced at Sirius, standing to James's right. What would Sirius's vows sound like? he wondered and he instantly felt a steady blush creep up his neck at the thought.
"While I can't promise that I won't ever do things that will make you want to hex me," James was saying, eliciting a small laugh from his bride. "I can promise that I will always love you, even if the world comes crashing down around us. Because you...being with you...it gives me hope."
After a nod from the minister, Sirius fumbled in his jacket pocket for a moment before producing the rings. For some inexplicable reason, the look of bliss on James's face as he slipped the ring onto Lily's finger made Sirius's heart hurt.
This would never be his, he thought suddenly. He searched the small crowd for Remus's face and when their eyes met for a moment, he knew Remus was thinking the same thing.
He looked back to James just in time to see him kiss the bride. He grinned and clapped James on the back in congratulations but in his mind he was replaying James's vow to Lily.
He caught Remus's eye once more over the crowd, but after a moment, Remus looked away. He couldn't remember what it felt like to have hope.
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And that concludes chapter four! Reviews are my oxygen. :)
Next chapter… after talking to Peter, James begins to wonder about the true nature of Remus's kidnapping. Meanwhile, Lily is hiding a secret of her own.