18 - Distorted Discussions part 2

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"I was careful to wear a looser blouse than normal to accommodate the damn equipment!" Mika hissed as she stepped out of the hospital ladies' room and into the hallway, fiddling with her silk blouse. "But it still looks weird."

"It looks fine, Mika-san," Suguru insisted, looking her over carefully. Hiro crossed his arms over his chest and frowned, but said nothing.

Pausing a moment to watch Suguru look her over, Mika then snapped, "Its creepy watching you look me over like that, quit it!"

Suguru rolled his eyes at her, "I'm just looking to make sure we catch where the wire shows through," he told her, "There's no need to complain."

"Suguru is right," Hiro asserted suddenly, before Mika could retort. He was still frowning. "It's such thin wire and the recorder-transmitter is tiny."

"Fine!" she huffed, and turned to saunter down the hall. Argh. Such silly children, she thought. And that stupid Shuichi, worrying her like this!

As soon as she had heard, she spared eight minutes to pass by the full glass wall of the meeting room Tohma had been in to flash him her 'I told you so' look, before taking an NG private mini plane into Nagoya. She had not waited for confirmation of Shuichi's condition. Her husband's avoidance of discussing the singer's medication had irked her and she had been determined to get to the bottom of things.

Honestly, the kid would be the death of her. Of all the… fainting?! Disappointingly or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it, he had been diagnosed with simple exhaustion and would be discharged that evening.

She huffed in annoyance. Well, there went that avenue down the drain…

Then there was that poor Eiri had not been asked to stay away. Had it not been the little singer himself who had asked her brother not to come, Mika would have pitied whoever it was to stand in Eiri's way. The writer was not known for following other people's wishes after all. In fact, she was rather startled Shuichi had managed to get a promise out of her brother at all. Eiri had mentioned something about Shu's wish for 'keeping things low-profile' and not wanting to alarm anyone else. Thankfully, her brother had bargained himself some quality time in return for his promise… that thought calmed her a little, but not by much.

At Shuichi's door she turned and nodded to Hiro and Suguru, who were still standing where she had left them further up the hall. They nodded in return before disappearing into the small meeting room they had booked for just this occasion. She resisted the urge to fiddle with the wire and pushed Shu's door open, heading in alone.

Shuichi looked wan and fragile in the afternoon light. He sat propped up by the upper third of the clever electronic folding bed, looking to his right out the window on the other side of the room. The white of the hospital sheets made every little discolouration of his skin stand out much too starkly. The purple beneath his eyes seemed swollen, his eyes more red than she thought she'd ever seen them before.

He was so pale, she realised, how could no one have noticed this sooner? She watched him turn away from the window, a smile lighting his child-like features. His eyes brightened at the sight of her.

"Mika-chan? Am I dreaming?"

"You wish, you stupid brat!" She snapped mildly, coming up to stand by his bedside, to his left. She glared, "Do you have any idea how worried we all were?!"

The smile slipped of the singer's face and his expression turned pained. "I'm sorry."

She sighed, his regret and obvious guilt making her feel a little wretched for scolding him first-thing. "I know. But you've been pushing yourself way too hard, this was bound to happen."

"I'll do better," Shu promised, brightening a little. "Can you tell Tohma for me?"

"Tohma doesn't know what you're going through," Mika averred, her eyes narrowing, "He isn't dealing with the same things you are, he won't understand… Shuichi?" She trailed off at the sight of his slumping shoulders. He looked so dejected. "What's the matter?"

"Is he angry with me?" the singer asked softly.

"What? No!" Mika reached for him, one hand grasping one of his, the other reaching to push back the stubborn lock of hair in his face. "No, I meant that he… He isn't supposed to expect you to 'do better' Shuichi, because you're already doing more than any of us ever expected. That's all."

Softly, he murmured, "I'm sorry for worrying everyone."

"Damn right you should be!" Mika scolded, fluffing his hair before bringing it down to grasp his hand in both of hers. "We need to know you can and will take care of yourself. We need you."

He didn't say anything, but there it was in his eyes. She could read it as clearly as if he had spoken it. 'No you don't' his eyes said, 'None of you really do.'

It startled her, made her wonder why the young man could think such a thing. If anything, his band needed him especially Hiro. Eiri needed him, too… and so many new people now depended on him, according to Tohma. This need of his to be needed, wasn't it in compensation for the loss of his relationship? Wasn't being needed…

Wasn't being needed what he wanted? She had always been under the impression that the singer mostly did what he was told and allowed people to take care of him was because he always wants to please the people he loves. Mika sighed,

"Kyoto City is the tour's next stop so I've decided to hang around for a while. I'll head back to Tokyo from there." Shuichi said nothing, simply continued to try to not look as sad and forlorn as his eyes expressed. "Talk to me, Shuichi," she told him, "Let me help you."

He was quiet for a long while, fingers of his free hand nervously worrying anything he could get between his fingertips, his one hand in both of hers the only still thing about him. His eyes misted over, he glanced about the room, looked outside. Finally, he met her gaze. She knew he would see the determination she felt. Tohma had planted a seed in her and she wanted to know the rest.

"Mika…" He fiddled with the sheet across his lap as he spoke. His voice was so low she had to strain to hear it, but he noticed and spoke up, "Can I tell you… anything?"

"Under the disclaimer that I reserve the right to rub it in your face when you're better," she kidded. Smiling warmly, she nodded.

"I… I haven't told Hiro or Suguru about a lot of things," he admitted. He fiddled with his sheet some more. "I'm surprised no one at NG has mentioned it to them, actually."

"What is it?" She twisted carefully, leaning closer to sit on the bed by his left hip. "Tell me, I promise to listen."

"I bit off more than I could chew, really," Shuichi told her. "I wanted to be busy… not think about Eiri, you know?"

"I know," she whispered. "And that's normal."

"Is it normal to take on more work than one can handle?" he snorted, "Turn into a workaholic?"

"Do you remember who I'm married to?" she scoffed, a quirk to her brow. He chuckled.

"But Tohma doesn't work to not think about things, NG is part of who he is." Shuichi smiled, "It's like his… baby."

Mika huffed, twisting her lips in wry disbelief. "Baby, huh?"

"Never mind," the singer rolled his eyes. "What I mean to say is, I started working directly for Tohma, you know that much."

She nodded.

"And you know I did some work for you with advertisement compositions. But what you don't know is that I started producing, too. Mattieu Sjolund and I, we signed a contract."

Frowning lightly, she gave him a puzzled expression, "What do you mean by that?"

"I'm officially the co-producer to Leather Bent." Shu stared meaningfully at her.

"Jubilee's debut album?" Mika shook her head, "You were promoted from songwriter?"

The singer shrugged then turned to look out the window to his right.

With only Shuichi's left profile to interpret, Mika asked, "Is that what you keep disappearing off to do on your laptop?"

He glanced back at her, startled.

"I overheard your band mates talking about it, they were trying to figure out how you worked yourself into this state." She waved her hand at the room in general then tilted her head at him. "They said you kept taking time for yourself at your laptop, said you were writing a lot. I think they thought you were writing songs."

Shaking his head, Shuichi stared outside again. He acknowledged, "Yeah, that's what I've been up to. I have a really great assistant, she's great, Hinamori Sachiko-san. I think she suits me perfectly for this work." He smiled then added, "And there's this American dancer, Suzumiya Tasuki. He's really talented. He helped me choreograph Jubilee's first video shoot and almost half of this tour."

Mika paused.

This was the first time Shuichi had ever spoken to anyone about Hinamori and Suzumiya, as far as she knew. He had, last she heard, not even said this much to his band mates. It occurred to her that now Shuichi was opening and all, this was a ripe opportunity to ask about his medication. She had been surprised to hear that he had collapsed only because of exhaustion, after all.

But before she could gather a proper way to voice the query, Shuichi smiled distantly before saying, "You've let me do some marketing for NG and I appreciate that. I enjoyed what you gave me to do…"

"But it wasn't enough." Mika sighed, idly rubbing his hand between her own. "I told you I was only going to give you those two assignments because I was worried about you working too hard. And you went and took more elsewhere anyway." She told him, "You are such a brat."

His smile widened into a grin, "I suppose this isn't the time to tell you that I'm thinking of accepting an internship offer with XMR after the tour?"

"You little…" Yet another slip of truth, she noticed.

"Yeah, I love you too," he murmured, still not meeting her eyes and she began to worry. But he seemed relaxed as he said, "I also love that I'm going to learn English, network the American music industry…" He grinned, looking awfully pleased with himself, in her opinion, despite the tension in his body.

"Shuichi, look at me," she ordered. When he met her gaze she said softly, "Never mind that it's XMR we're talking about here. What about Eiri?"

The warmth in his eyes dimmed suddenly. She watched him shutter his emotions away, his expression turning wary. He asked carefully, "What about him?"

Studying the young man, she sensed more turmoil in him than he was letting on. Not wanting to push the matter, she simply said, "He's trying very hard to be part of your life again. You know that. It will hurt him if you leave."

"I can't think about him right now." Shuichi shook his head, but he looked miserable. "Anyway, he was always more than I could handle." He sighed, closing his eyes, turning his face in a tilt down toward his lap.

Shuichi seemed unsteady to her, somehow more exhausted now than when she had first walked in. Was Eiri becoming too much for him already? Worriedly she asked, hoping the singer would answer in negative, "Do you want me to pull him out of the tour?"

When the singer raised his eyes to hers, Mika clearly saw the confusion and pain in the violet depths. But there was also longing and… hope. He said nothing, just opened his mouth a few times as though trying to answer but thinking better of it. He huffed with frustration, saying nothing before thrusting the fingers of one hand into his hair and attempting to smooth it back.

"You know what?" She said, and he looked at her. "Don't answer that."

He nodded, grimacing a little, "Sorry."

"And quit apologising."

"Yeah," he muttered, "I get that a lot."

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"Did she say anything after that?"

"No," Shuichi replied into his mobile, other hand massaging the bridge of his nose between his fingertips, eyes squeezed shut. "She seemed to believe everything at that point. She didn't even ask about Nittle Grasper and the band."

The singer was in bed, the same bed he had been taken from that morning when he'd lost consciousness. He listened to Tohma sigh before the man said, "Your head hurts, doesn't it?"

Shuichi smiled a little, appreciating how well Tohma knew him now. "The medication… isn't as effective as it first was."

Shuichi could almost hear Tohma's frown when he said, "I don't like the sound of that. If you want to, Shuichi, you know you could cancel the rest of the tour and go on ahead to America."

"I know, but I don't want to." Shu curled up a little more on his side, squeezing his pillow to his chest. "This tour is important to more than just me."

Tohma sighed again then asked, "Did anything else happen?"

"Oh, yeah," Shuichi brightened a little, chuckling dryly. He stopped quickly when the sound felt rough in his throat. "She had a wire on her!"

"Pardon?"

"Mika-chan had a wire on her," he repeated. The singer grinned to himself at the memory, it was so endearing. "I think that was why she didn't ask about you and your band. She had a wire on and Hiro and Suguru were listening in. She exposed the wire then called my idiot band mates over."

"They planned the whole thing?"

"Yep!" Shuichi laughed, but it seemed a little flat to his own ears so he quickly stopped. "Suguru was blushing, it was adorable. I couldn't feel angry. And Hiro, he was so worried." He paused then said, "They asked me about the meds, I had to come clean… up to a point. I mean, I couldn't tell them everything. I just said I knew what they were and that the stress was affecting my nerves, hence the diminished hyperactivity."

"Do you think they believe you?"

"I think they almost didn't believe me. I had to tell them that I started taking them when… since the break-up." The singer sighed, "I explained the strength by saying that I was just moved up to a higher dosage that week. They sure asked a lot of questions."

"Shuichi?" Tohma sounded worried, "Are you alright?"

"Hiro thinks he knows now what's been bothering me, why I've been this distant with him." Shu's throat tightened, "He scolded me for keeping it a secret from him… Told me that he wouldn't…" he swallowed past the closing in his throat and tried to continue, "He wouldn't have… blamed me…"

Sounding alarmed now, Tohma tried to reassure him, "It's all going to all be alright, Shuichi."

"No, Tohma," he wept, his voice cracking, "It isn't!" Burying his face into his pillow, he pulled the blankets over his head and burrowed. The tears came hard and fast and he was blinded by them. He choked out, "Everything is just slipping away… my life, my family, my band…. Eiri… Gods, my music was so quiet this morning and even now, it's still so hard to hear…"

"Please calm down, you mustn't strain yourself. Try to breathe a little evenly," he coaxed helplessly through the phone. "Please, Shuichi!"

Sobbing, the singer terminated the call and tossed the phone out over the edge of the bed. Gods, he hurt so much! The muted music in his head; frankly, it terrified him. This morning when it was so quiet and he had thought it was gone, it had shaken him badly. There was no way he could handle losing it, no way at all. If his music left him…

There would be nothing left.

He shook with his own fear.

Though this was not the time to be thinking about such important things, his mind raced, unbidden. There was some comfort to be had in that his mind now composed a sad, echoing melody. Gritting his teeth, he considered how he was putting too big a burden on his band mates. This morning, K had been quite frightened. The last time he had seen such concern in the American's eyes was back in February…

Best not to think about that… he pushed the memory away.

He was failing them, he realised. How he could have even considered being so selfish, he didn't know. It was only supposed to be about protecting them, and now he felt so stupid! They needed him, for the Gods' sake!

After everything he had put them through, after all the effort they had put into taking care of him. They'd been so supportive, letting him have all the space he needed and then some, not smothering him. And all because of… well, not like they knew the whole truth. But that didn't matter too much because they had still been so good to him.

This tour wasn't for him, he told himself firmly. Twelve Kisses was for Suguru and Hiro, for the band and their fans. After all the joy they had given him, the continuous strength to keep up with everything going wrong in his life, he owed them all so much. He owed them so much more than this last tour. He knew he owed them the truth. Hell, he owed them hope, too, but…

There was none left for himself as it was.

Author Notes:

I've been getting a lot of feedback about my wordiness (among other faults) so I'm trying to cut back a bit. Let me know if I'm getting there. I know I have a tendency to say too much for something so simple, my beta says I do it all the time. Vindaloo hasn't seen this chapter, either, speaking of my beta. So any mistakes are mine alone!

At the moment, I am trying to get things moving along a little quicker. Now that a lot of talk is out of the way, maybe I can finally get Shu and Eiri to lock heads. At the moment, the characters are warring in my head, they apparently would prefer to do battle with me than with each other. They are so cute... sometimes.

Many thanks to LLPeepz13 for the continued support, to Ryu-chan for the pushes to write, and to Rikke for the eloquent feedback. Thank you to Jersey Thursday, I'm glad that I did something to cheer you up! Softy3140, thanks for the welcome back, I think I needed that. And, yes, K does know about Shuichi's condition. I covered Tohma revealing the secret to him in Court of Royals. I'm glad that you are inspired, Kairi Skylight, its always a pampering to my ego to be told I can do that. Cocoke5, thank you for your consistent reviews, you always seem to be giving me a pat on the back every step of the way. And welcome to iyfanatic; thank you to you, too.

I love reviews. And the Hit Count on my Stats page. 10,900 hits at last count, I'm amazed...! Okay, shutting up now. Feed(back) me!

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