Title: His and Hers
Disclaimer: I've read somewhere that after fifty years a patent becomes worthless, and I'm not totally sure if it applies to TV shows, but for the sake of the argument I'll say it is. And with that in mind, WATCH OUT in 2052! This show will be MINE. Until then, no I do not own it.
Spoilers: Pretty much up to the third Season
Summary: Jim's side of Pam's stalking.
Notes: Bet you never expected this story to be updated, did you? A few mentionings, I am Jewish, and therefore Gd should have an 'o' in it. Also, Pam dyed her hair a lot during the shows course, and Jim (in love) would notice that, even if they were supposed to be subtle. The odd tense change and similarities to the first chapter is there on purpose and now begin.
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You know that moment when you're on the swings and you're pumping, going higher and higher and then, for the briefest of moments you're weightless? Flying above the entire park, you can see everything and feel so giddy when- crash, you're back in your seat, and falling back to the ground, trying to gain speed so that the next time you go up, it's for longer. Well that's exactly how Jim feels every time he sees Her at the grocery store. Staring. At him. Them. Almost searching for something. Looking more lost, more broken, after each outing.
He isn't exactly sure how many times She came to the grocery store without his notice, how many conversations were overhead, caresses shown, intimate moments broadcast- does it make him a bad person to wish She saw every second of it?
Maybe he's punishing Her.
Maybe he's acting the way he is after the transfer because he wants her to feel a tenth of the loneliness he felt for those three years.
She loved him. At least as a friend and he knows how close they were. Of that he was sure. To lose someone that close would hurt, no matter the romantic entanglements. So maybe that's why he still refuses to offer the olive branch. Because he can't stand for her not to hurt- to feel the pain that he felt in Roy's presence- the excruciating ache that entered every crevice of you and wore down and down until you were so unsure of what you meant to the other that you went out with a girl you didn't even like because hey- that was moving on. And who falls in love with their best friend? Who could be so stupid as to fall in love with their best friend? But then she'd smile, share a prank over Dwight, and what was the purse bag saleswoman's name?
But that can't be true because Gd help him, he still loves Her, and can't even imagine let alone wish in his darkest hour to make her feel that sort of pain.
He stays away to protect his heart.
He's pretty sure.
Today is no different than any other. He didn't speak to Her at work, flirted with Karen at his desk, ignored that feeling to pull a prank on Dwight, who was getting so desperately cocky he actually had the audacity to insinuate that Jim was in hiding (of what, he wasn't sure), and made a total of four sales calls. On one of them he had to hang up on the person because he felt Her eyes on the back of his neck. And it became so desperately impossible to work when he felt Her stare.
After work, Karen got in his car (it's his turn to do the car pooling), and as they drove through the neighborhoods, discussing Hollywood's IT girls, no matter how many times Jim jokingly asked Karen if she was turning into Kelly. Conversation fizzled out after Jim asked her what they decided it was called when they had a pebble stuck in your shoe.
Too late he realizes that their discovery was actually His and Hers.
Still, when Jim picks up Karen to go to the grocery store, things were better.
He let Karen have sole control of the radio.
Stepping into the arctic building that was WinCo, Jim played up their intimacy. He told himself that this wasn't because of Pam's lurking, but because he felt bad about his treatment to Karen earlier.
Sometimes he's so good at pretending, he doesn't even notice it anymore. He does notice Pam in the cake aisle, however. Grabbing a ridiculously large cart, so Karen will comment that he better not even think she's going to push that, because it is way too big and heavy (which is actually kind of ok, because ever since he was twelve and his mother told him he was finally big enough to push the cart- he's liked it) Jim heads for the fresh produce. They have a routine here, and he likes to stick to it.
Karen seems to notice he's off, because all of a sudden she's holding a banana like a gun, and tells him in a dead on impression to put up his hands or she'll do it for him. And for just a moment he forgets about the curly (brown, blonde, red)headed woman and focuses on this one. Her humor carries him away and he's leaning on the apples, not paying any attention to their surroundings until an apple falls to the ground. When he picks it up and puts it back, he realizes something. If that were Her, he wouldn't have noticed the apple. The thought sobers him up more then the strongest coffee in the world, and he grabs the cart, muttering something about bread. Karen doesn't even mention his rapid change of attitude, just that she'll be at the books, and that he should come over when he's done. A nod is her reply.
White bread is his favorite. Always has been, but he's been buying pumpernickel the last few months, because it's Karen's favorite. Her reason, "Barney used to eat it. And what female doesn't want to look like Barney?"
He's pretty sure she was joking.
Still, his hand reaches out for pumpernickel and when he's about to put it into the cart, he realizes that the white bread is already there.
Symbolism is a powerful thing, but Jim never really understood (which could explain his 'C' in English for the third quarter). Still, Jim isn't dumb (much) and thinks he understands this, because he looks up at this precise moment, and sees Her. Standing in front of the Cheerios, hands clutching a basket so tight Her knuckles are turning white, She's peering over the boxes, looking at the book with such scrutiny he thinks that Waldo is going to appear from behind a shelf.
He doesn't notice that he's walking until suddenly they're a mere three feet apart, and he's clearing his throat. She seems to not notice him, until suddenly She spins, hair flying and still work attire skirt in the air, he can't help but smile. Deciding (once again) he is not going to second guess his words (a first) around Her, a natural peasantry is brought forth.
"Hey there, Pam." She looks at him as if he's an apparition, which he's pretty sure he's not.
"Hey." She sounds unsure of how he's going to react. Like he could just pretend they weren't best friends for three years. Again.
"I've seen you here around late-" She cuts him off before even the thought can be completed,
"My apartment's just five minutes away." The way She says that, too quickly and with too much emphasis on the part that the absolute truth of that statement makes his smile remain, because they're not too different with all this changing, and he feels like maybe they can still fit.
Determined that there won't be any awkward silences, he says the first thing that comes to mind,
"What're you buying?" And She does the cutest thing, She holds up the basket, and with a nod, invites him to look. He doesn't waste a second. Rooting through the normal items (toilet paper, lettuce, wheat bread, cake mix?) He spots something odd. Picking it up, he meets Her eyes, Her beautiful expressive eyes that are so so full of hope, "Really Beesly." A shake of his head makes Her smile. A real smile, Her white teeth gleaming, and Her head tilted just a little bit to the left. He joking told Her once that when She was happy She got a whole new perspective of the world. Pam immediately fired back that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to Her.
He thought She was kidding him. She wasn't.
"I like them."
"They're sour." Trying to justify Her opinion, She continues,
"Not if you put sugar on them, and.. half a grapefruit a day is known to increase brain function." The way She's looking at him, it's doing strange things to his heart, and making it hard to think properly.
"And where'd you get that bit of information from?" Nervously tossing the fruit between limbs, it's making Jim calmer, and right now he feels as if this is important. He needs to be calm.
"The grapefruit people." Her confidence is returning, he notices, and is glad. Because a scared Pam is frightening to him.
"You're too trusting Beesly, what if the Grapefruit People were lying?" Her laughter bubbles out, and it sounds so good, so normal, so right, that he joins in with a chuckle of his own. And for that perfect moment, he thinks he's going to be able to survive this, unscathed. That he can become friends with Her again. And then Her posture change, as if She's gearing up for something, but he doesn't notice. Not really.
"Did it hurt?" She's looking at the grapefruit as She says this, so without real thought, he gives Her a raised eyebrow, and answers truthfully,
"Naw, a grapefruit couldn't hurt me."
"I meant watching Roy and I. Together." The grapefruit drops to the ground, but neither lean to pick it up. Neither even act as if they heard it drop.
"Pam." He can taste the longing in his voice. He hopes to Gd She can't hear it.
"Because it hurts me. When I watch you and Karen. I feel like I'm breaking when I see you together." He knows this is monumental, they never talk about anything important, at least no without very bad results, but all he can think about is, here?
"Then why do you come every Tuesday?" And why is this question so so important to him?
"Because." And he can see the tears are beginning to pool. He feels like it's his fault. Like every tear belongs to him. Pam blinks them back, tries to, but they're too fat, too big, and some slide down Her cheek. "Because I hurt you. Right? Unintentional. But there it was." If She isn't careful about how She says the next few words, he's going to start crying with Her. Already his throat is closing up, and he only just manages a,
"Pam."
"And I'm sorry. More sorry than when I cut off all my hair in the tenth grade. More when I first started driving and backed up into a pole. More so than when I told you that swaying wasn't dancing. That's why I didn't call you after I canceled the wedding. Because how do you apologize for that? How do you apologize for falling in love with someone and not realizing it? And then I missed you so much when you were gone. No buffer for Dwight, Michael, no companion, no best friend that understood me so completely and I never realized it. I never realized it. Months past, and I couldn't seem to work up the nerve to call you. And then I thought I was being tacky, telling you in September that I ended my marriage in June. Trying to explain something that I'd run through my head so many times I was sure it'd sound rehearsed." He forgets about trying to cry as every atom of his body correlates to memorize and imprint this moment into his memory. If there's one thing he needs to remember for the rest of his life, it's this. "So then you were coming back, and I was so happy. I could explain it. Explain my behavior, ask your forgiveness, get you back. I wanted you back."
"Pam." He tries to beg Her with a single word to not continue. He can't hear from Her own words what a complete ass he was to Her. As angry as he was with Her, he realizes with amazing clarity that he doesn't want to cause Her any pain. He doesn't want Her in any pain. Not even a paper cut.
"But you didn't want me. You know that quote, absence makes the heart grow fonder? It seems like absence has the opposite affect on you. We were broken, and I didn't know how to fix it. So I waited and I watched. I'm still waiting, still watching." He isn't totally sure when they broke eye contact, truthfully everything looks a bit fuzzy, but Her eyes are on his again, and he can't look away. Won't.
"And I'm going to continue to wait. To watch. Until you fall in love with me again. I don't care how long it takes. I'll get you back. I'm going to get you back." It takes amazing willpower right there to not just go at Her. Push Her into the cereals and kiss Her for so long and with such passion that they can't think clearly. Instead he makes a lame attempt at a joke.
"And so watching my shopping habits is going to help you with that?"
"Remember when Kevin was waiting to see if he was going to be diagnosed with skin cancer so we went off to buy him gifts?" How could I not?
"Yeah."
"I miss stuff like that. This reminds me of it." All of a sudden, it seems Pam can't look him in the eye, and She does a half turn. What is She looking for? And it comes snapping back, they're in WinCo, and Jim dropped Her grapefruit. He grabs it without thinking, his long fingers grasping the fruit with a level of deftness previously unknown to him. Suddenly, this grapefruit is very important to him. He plucks Her basket from Her hands, and lays the fruit between the cake mix and toilet paper. He lays the basket on the ground, and finally, after so long, he stops thinking. He isn't paying attention to the future, how this action could have an equal and/or opposite reaction, the thousands of permeations to this one event, instead, he takes Her face in his hands, and Gd. does it feel good.
"I miss stuff like that too." And then he's kissing Her. He isn't paying attention to where his hands should go, or the laundry he needs to pick up at Arnie's, like he sometimes does when kissing Karen, instead he just focuses on Her. On the woman right in front of him, who makes the most delectable noise when he hits a particularly sensitive nerve ending. He notices that She needs air before his own desire for the substance, and releases Her mouth with a short kiss. Their breath seems to come out in synchronized gasps, and he smooths down Her hair as he speaks,
"So this is what it's like to get seduced by Pam." His thumb strokes Her cheek, and Her laughter bubbles, a most interesting reaction he needs to test out later.
"It wasn't my intention, I assure you."
"Well that's good to know." Karen says, and Jim realizes he's taking too long to look over at her, his girlfriend, but he does it anyway.
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