Chapter 24 - Poised for Destruction

Author Notes:

Many many thanks to all reviewers, you've been a source of BIG pick-me-ups and self-confidence restoration.
A big welcome to those who have added me to their favourites and alerts list. I keep seeing the numbers grow on my Stats page.
Twenty-two thousand six hundred hits and counting... (grin)

This Chapter is potentially filler-ish, there was too much thinking going on behind the writing scene
I was actually thinking of not posting anything until I finished writing this to the very end but my muse is throwing a fit (literally, I've been having nightmares) so here goes...

--

He'd left.

He had left Eiri. Shuichi gave a sharp bark of wry laughter and shook his head, catching the glance the taxi driver threw at him in the rear view mirror. He ignored it; covering his mouth with one hand and trying not to be sick. Stomach turning somersaults in his abdomen, his thoughts of how it was all over closed a tight fist around his heart. He felt almost physically ill with despair, and there was nothing he could do about it. He couldn't even turn back.

There was never any turning back.

Leaving hadn't been something he had wanted to do, but he'd done it anyway. It was the… correct course of action. Of course it was. Through the hurt he wondered how he could feel, his heart seeming too dead to contain his emotions. He should feel sad, shouldn't he? Just sad, and he had every right to. Instead there was a storm, a strange collection of heaviness and pain so drastic it seemed he would never feel normally again.

It was over now. He had done it and walked away. Eiri wouldn't have him back now after he had thrown the writer's love back in his face --it had probably dented Eiri's pride. Lost in his thoughts, it took him a few moments to realise his phone was ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey Shu,"

Closing his eyes, Shuichi forced some semblance of calm into his voice, "Hey Tasuki."

"You sound like shit."

"Thanks," he chuckled but it was humourless, and his voice cracked. He swallowed then sarcastically but good-naturedly added, "I needed that. Hold on." The cab stopped and Shu got out, paying the fare and trotting up the steps of the hotel where he had just arrived. He made for the elevators directly, knowing where he needed to go. He shoved the phone to his ear, "Yeah, so… It's late. What's up?"

"You could say I had a feeling." Tasuki sighed, "Sensei asked me to check on you too. You know, new meds, you're still touring and all. We haven't heard from you in a while."

"You got hell of a good timing. But yeah, well, no headaches. Not yet anyway." Was that even important now? Oh yeah… his life was on the line. Then it occurred to him to wonder, what life? As Shuichi ambled slowly through the hotel lobby toward the elevators, he joked wearily, "Since you cured my head aches, maybe you can find me something for my heart."

"Uh oh…"

"I left him," Shu said with difficulty. He stepped into the elevator and pressed for Hiro's floor.

"Now? This evening?"

Taking a tight breath, Shu leaned back against the wall. He rubbed his eyes with one hand as he forced himself to say, "Just got out of the cab from his hotel."

"Whoa."

"I know." Shu swallowed, trying to force the screams and tears in his throat back down.

"What happened?"

"Not anything I want to discuss right now," his voice cracked, threatening to go hoarse and Shu realised he would not be able to speak properly much longer.

"Right. Okay…" He seemed to understand suddenly, voice quieting and concerned. Then hesitantly, worriedly, "Hiro?"

"I'm in the elevator of his hotel, I'm on my—" Shuichi's voice gave out. And the tears spilled forth.

Clutching the phone tightly, he let his suddenly boneless arm drop and when his hand hit the floor it was only then he realised his knees had given out. Slumped, Shuichi wept, ignoring Tasuki's faint calls for him. Tasuki cut the call eventually and the beeping echoed a tinny whine in the enclosed space.

Shuichi reached for his chest as he sobbed, clutching at the acute stab of pain within. This hurt was different from anything else he had ever ached over before, bringing new meaning to 'heartache'. His heartbeats echoed in his ears, melding with the whirr of the elevator. He chuckled wryly, darkly amused that even then, he could not stop composing.

His world was crashing down around him and he wanted to think only of music.

The elevator gave a load ping and the doors opened. But before he could even think to haul himself from the floor, he heard running footsteps from up the hall. In the upper rims of his vision he saw Hiro, not the slightest bit out of breath, skid to a stop before the open doors right on time to catch them before they could begin to shut.

Shu raised his head, thinking Tasuki must have called Hiro, finally using the emergency number Shu had left just in case. He dimly registered the wince his best friend gave at the sight of his face, and whispered brokenly, "I'm sorry… It's over. I tried, I really did Hiro, I'm sorry…"

Over and over again, he begged to Hiro, saying that he was sorry and that he had tried to take care of himself. Through being helped to Hiro's room, onto the bed and cradled in the semi-darkness, he spoke through his tears. He could not say everything he wanted to, because even now he knew he had to keep some parts of his breaking heart to himself. Instead he told his best friend, his one solid rock throughout his adult life, about his lover and that he had done everything he could so that now there was nothing more that could be done. It was over and that he had left Eiri.

Patiently, Hiro listened to his sobs and near-incoherent words. He tried to tell Hiro more about his sudden confession not too long ago, of the 'possibility' he was leaving their band. Hiro, bless him, hadn't asked him why or pressed him for more details. And he knew the guitarist hadn't told Suguru… not since he was still alive because surely the little tight- ass would have killed him by now had he known.

With his best friend's arms around him, giving love and support, he almost told Hiro about his… condition.

Almost.

A long while later, he couldn't see very well anymore, though he'd run out of tears. He knew what it meant and he knew Hiro knew too. Because his best friend whispered to him, a soft pardon to let him know he'd be back, and when the guitarist did it was with ice wrapped in a small towel which was placed gently over Shu's massively swollen eyes.

As his mind began to shut down from the emotional torment, he dimly heard the bedside telephone being lifted off the cradle and the swift exchange of hurried whispers. He knew.

This had all happened before.

Soon enough, there was a knock on the door. In moments, Suguru's voice whispered to him, just off beside the bed telling him everything would be alright, that they would take care of him. He didn't know where Hiro had gone, wondering briefly where the guitarist was now as there was no other sound in the room. But he knew when Suguru climbed into bed with him and pressed against his back, arms cradling him comfortingly. His ears were buzzing, he realised. He hadn't noticed until just then, wondering why Suguru's voice seemed full of static,

"Rest, Shuichi," Suguru stroked his hair back from his face. "Rest, and when you wake up, its all going to be better."

It was a testament to their friendship that the synth-master knew to sing him to sleep, a low slow tone with lyrics that spoke of brighter days and better tomorrows.

--

"I'm not leaving," Eiri stated, firing first Hiro then K each a dark glare.

He completely ignored the discomfort of facing these two in his own hotel room with only his trousers on. He might have lost his lover, his purpose for being on this damn trip. And he might have lost the one person he'd thought would believe in him and who he would believe in, but he would be damned if he gave in to that desolation now.

"You're going if I have to knock you out and drag you onto the train myself," Hiro said tiredly, scrubbing a hand over his face. "You can't stay here, you just can't."

Eiri scowled, "You were encouraging me to be with him!" The guitarist looked away and even Eiri had less than his usual fight in him. He sat on the foot of his bed and buried his face in his hands, wanting anything other than to fight with Hiro… especially so soon after his confrontation with Shu. He said, "And you do happen to know I want to work this out with him."

"He is not going to listen to you, Yuki-san," Hiro said softly. "He is not going to work this out with you, because right now it would do him better if you were gone. Can you understand that? He cried himself to sleep, he's a wreck. Again. And we have a concert next week."

Head snapping up, the writer glared, "The concert—"

"Can go fuck itself, yes I know. I agree." Hiro paced the room a little as he continued, "But that's not what I mean. Concerts are good for Shu, you know that. He needs this and he won't be able to perform with you here."

Eiri sighed, knowing it was the truth and hearing the desperation in the guitarist's voice. He shook his head and growled.

Hiro stopped and pleaded to Eiri with his eyes, "He's breaking, Yuki-san. I thought it was because of all the work he'd been hiding but this is bigger than that, whatever it is. So I'm asking you for some time enough for him and us to start repairs so he won't shatter. And for us to find out what the hell is going on, shit, he's thinking of leaving the fucking band!" Eiri noticed K stiffen at these words, but he noted it was not with surprise. Hiro continued, "But we need you gone." There was a slight pause then, "He needs you gone."

Looking away, Eiri hated his helplessness. He couldn't think of a single argument to press. Everything was going to shit and he had no idea how to handle any of this! He muttered, "If it's so damn important, I should be here. I don't want to leave him. I… I promised."

"We will tell him we made you leave. You are not going to take the fall for this." Hiro waited for the writer to meet his eyes before saying, "That I promise."

"I…" He looked away but he wanted the guitarist to know. He wanted Shuichi's best friend to understand, but his voice sank into a soft and barely audible whisper anyway, "Hiro, I… love him."

"I know." There was a soft scrape as Hiro pulled out a chair from the hotel room desk. He huffed with frustration before saying, "Just let us figure this one out. As close as you two have become, Shuichi is still mine and Suguru's best friend. And we are his."

Eiri fired the guitarist a quick glare, "That stung."

"Sorry," Hiro murmured, sheepish. A moment after meeting Eiri's gaze, Hiro looked away, but there had been sympathy in his eyes.

K, who had remained surprisingly quiet the entire time, nodded and pulled out his phone, "I'll make the booking."

Eiri pulled out his own phone as he dragged out his suitcase. Listening to the rings, he gathered his belongings and began to pack. He wanted to scream by the time Touma's silky calm voice interrupted the ringing to say, "Hello?"

"He left me," was all he could think to say. He blocked out K's chatter behind him.

"I'm sorry, Eiri. I know. I spoke with Mr K earlier as he and Nakano-san were on their way to you, and just now with Suguru."

Immediately, the words flew out of his mouth, "How is he?"

"Asleep." The clipped word spoke volumes.

Eiri admitted softly, "Touma, I don't really want to leave him. Hiro said—"

"Trust me, Eiri. I will do all I can for him and for you."

"No." It hit him suddenly –hard, his eyes widening a little. "He's not going to take me back ever again. I don't… I shouldn't have expected him to."

"Eiri, it's not like that…"

"It is," he contradicted. "I knew. When he left me because of that scandal, I knew he was never coming back. I was just too selfish to accept it." He pressed his eyes, one with a thumb and the other with his index and middle fingers, as though suffering a headache. But really, his eyes pricked with hot tears. He continued, the sadness and regret rising to his throat, "I badgered him and he let me close because he still loves me, but he knows; like I know. I'm… I'm not good for him and he's never going to take me back."

It was a surprise to feel Hiro's hand on his shoulder but while he would not turn and accept the comfort, he could neither bring himself to pull away.

"Eiri, you know his feelings for you more than anyone—"

"Touma?" He was angry for a moment. There was a knowing pitch to Touma's tone that irked him, brought ideas of conspiracy to mind. Or was he just too desperate? He reigned in his patience and asked as politely as he could, "What do you know?"

Sounding as though Touma was hedging the question came through loud and clear, "I will tell you, but not now and not while you are there."

With barely concealed patience, Eiri asked, "Will you tell me… if I go back?"

"In the morning, when you arrive, I will pick you up," Touma sighed. "And then I will tell you the whole story."

Relief like none other flooded the writer and despite his annoyance with Touma's meddling ways, he didn't have to force himself to say, "Thank you."

"Oh, you won't thank me when you hear this, Eiri." Touma grated, sounding frustrated, "You're going to hate me and Shuichi both."

The unguarded words slipped past on a whisper, "I could never."

"Thank you," Touma said softly. "Let's hope you remember those words when we speak in person."

"Is it…" For Shuichi to reject him because of it, he really out to already know the answer to this one, but he asked anyway, "Is it… so bad?"

There was a pause, while Touma seemed to weigh what he was about to say. "I didn't really think so. But Shuichi would tell no one. Not Hiro, not his family, no one is aware."

The truth of Touma's intentions dawned and Eiri wondered how Shu would take this when, and not 'if' he found out. Hiro's gaze snapped to meet his when he said into the phone, "You're breaking his trust."

"You are still my priority, Eiri. You always have been," Touma insisted. "Remember that if nothing else."

With a scoff, he growled, "More of the 'it was for your own good, Eiri' bullshit, then?"

"I'm afraid so."

Eiri scowled fiercely at that. The cogs and gears ran on over-time for a moment, and his temper began to simmer. Rolling everything he knew over in his mind, Eiri came to a sudden decision. He almost snapped when he said, "Touma."

There was a slight pause, as though Touma had heard something in Eiri's voice, before he slowly spoke again, "Yes, Eiri?"

"I've changed my mind." The writer snapped his phone shut with a sharp click and tossed the phone aside onto the bed. He turned and continued to pack.

"What?!" Hiro squawked. "What are you doing?"

K growled, annoyed, "I already bought the damn tickets!"

"I never said I definitely would leave anyway," Eiri said with a loftiness almost as snotty as his usual temperament. "And even if I had promised you, I still would not get on that train now."

Hiro burst out, "For the Gods' sake!"

"What changed?" K asked, ignoring the exasperated and frustrated guitarist at his side.

Eiri didn't pause his movements as he spoke, "I'm not going to help Touma break Shuichi's trust." He shut the suitcase and turned to dress. "And I am not going to leave… him."

"We've already covered this!" Hiro raged.

"You're either awfully brave," K chuckled, "Or incredibly stupid."

Hiro declared his choice, "Stupid!"

Eiri rolled his eyes, buttoning up his shirt. "K's not going to shoot me," He glanced over at Hiro, "You can't do anything," Eiri tucked his shirt in to his trousers and buckled up. "And I refuse to let this be the end of it."

Hiro deflated. Pleading, he asked, "Can you just… stay away from Shuichi?"

"I will not--" Eiri cut himself off. In a gentler tone he said instead, "Tell you what, I will if you tell him some things for me. Tell him I'm not leaving and…" He screwed his brows up for a moment and turned away to rummage in his briefcase. "Screw that, I'll write it."

"What for?" Hiro said exasperatedly, "Just tell me already."

"I'm a writer, moron," Eiri reminded him and K chortled despite Hiro's burning glare. "And this way he has a choice to read it when he wants to; you'd just forget most of it anyway. Just tell him it's important." He pulled out a notepad and took it over to the desk. He scribbled quickly, his penmanship nearly perfect despite his hurry. When he was done, he read over his words and, satisfied, folded it and handed it to Hiro, "There."

"What are you going to do now?" K asked as the guitarist frowned at the letter.

"Don't you dare think of not giving that to him," Eiri told Hiro then turned and picked up his briefcase, setting it to sit on his suitcase. He told K, "I'm going to pass Katsuya my keys, and cash in that Shinkansen ticket for one to Hiroshima." This was the next concert location and Eiri knew they would be following in a few days anyway. Even he had to agree to Hiro's point that Shuichi could really use the break. Eiri brushed past them as he said, "I'll see you there."

Hiro called after him as walked out, "What are you going to do meanwhile?"

Shuichi's last words to him rang in Eiri's ears. Without pause in his step, he called over his shoulder, "Figure out how to raise the dead."

--

Though Touma would never admit it, even he did not always know precisely what he wanted at all times.

Circumstances, people and just everything simply had too many factors to consider. But when it came time to make a decision, Touma would make it considering everything he knew. If circumstances changed later then he would adjust if necessary but once a decision was made, very little would alter his course unless a better result could be had.

In this particular case, Touma knew precisely what he wanted to end up with. To get there, however… well, that was where things got complicated.

And Touma hated complicated.

"I understand," Shuichi said monotonously, making Touma pause, the calm resignation so not what he had been expecting.

Shuichi never just calmly accepted people making decisions for him, not normally. Not normally. Touma had learned, however, that when Shu got down, it became all the easier to beat him further down. His mood and frame of mind almost always affected both his decision making and performance, which was why early on he, Mr K and Sakano had learned that a happy Shuichi was the best kind of Shuichi to deal with.

And right now, a happy Shuichi was very hard to come by. Certainly, it would be even farther out of reach now that the singer was more aware of what the band knew of him, as per K's latest report. The band, Eiri and (worryingly) Mika, had too many figures and Touma knew both he and Shuichi feared they would add up the numbers and arrive at the correct sum.

He tried again, "Did you hear everything I said?"

"Yes," Shuichi sighed. "I heard it all."

"And what is your decision?" Touma asked as gently as he could, wary of the little singer's too easy acceptance of his conditions.

"Tell him, if you wish. He knows quite a lot already," Shuichi said tonelessly.

"I see," Touma murmured, sensing the edge of hurt in Shuichi's voice. He observed, "You're upset with me." Shuichi remained silent, his breathing so even that Touma knew the singer was consciously controlling it. "I can understand that."

"I am sure you can." There was no mistaking the bitter edge in the singer's voice at that and again Touma regretted forcing Shu into a corner like this.

"Shuichi, I'm worried about you. I just—"

"Yes, of course," Shu interrupted. "It's about what you want. I can understand that, too."

Startled, Touma let the interruption slide. He pressed, "From what I understand of your situation this is the best course of action to take."

"Of course it is."

The sarcasm was beginning to grate. "Do you have another idea in mind?"

"You know my stand on this," Shuichi said, and Touma could practically hear the singer close his eyes and rub them with his fingertips.

"Things have… changed," Touma said slowly, "Don't you agree?"

"Many things have," Shu wearily replied, "But not everything."

"Shuichi—"

"Do what you please," Shu exasperatedly interrupted. "After all, you are my boss, Seguchi-san. All I ask is that I don't want to deal with him when he knows. I don't want to see him again if you tell him."

The implications of the change in address form did not escape Touma. And the stipulation… that didn't really surprise him. He closed his own eyes and softly said by way of farewell, "I apologise, Shuichi."

Setting the phone down on its cradle, he propped his elbows up on the desk and folded his hands beneath his chin, staring off into space. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise Eiri had changed his mind; he would have unknowingly permanently removed his life from Shuichi's had he left. And the writer knowing the full truth would have set too many dangerous wheels in motion --Touma already had it from the writer's mouth he would be calling Hiro and Suguru to spill whatever Touma had to tell him.

The proverbial shit was just poised to hit the fan.

--