Richard Webber had had many trying days throughout his career as a general surgeon and even more after he was appointed chief of surgery. Some of those days stuck out in his mind and hurt like a sore tooth. The three that hurt the most were the day his teenage niece passed away, the day Meredith came into the ER blue and unconscious, and today, when Addison carried into the hospital covered in blood. Addison is like a daughter to me. She, Meredith, and Camille are the daughters I never had. I've already lost one. I don't think I could bear to lose another. What on earth was going through Addison's head? And Meredith's? He pounded his fist into his desk, frustrated and worried. Rubbing the now sore knuckles, he stood to go see about Addison. She's going to be fine. She's talking and physically fine. He couldn't convince himself.

"Addie?" he knocked lightly on the door before peeking his head in.

Addison was sitting up in bed, watching The Little Mermaid and eating chocolate pudding. Yes, physically, she is fine. But, I don't want to risk losing her again, even if that means doing something she will absolutely hate. He stepped over to her, listened to her heart and lungs and took her blood pressure. Her temperature was normal as well as everything else. He sighed, knowing that she would more than likely be very angry. He was almost sure that he would get a nice glimpse of the temper she kept well hidden most of the time.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm good. Alex Karev keeps bringing me anything I want," she smiled deviously.

"Well, I'm glad to see he is treating you well. Ummm," he cleared his throat. "Addie…"

"Just spit it out, Chief, if you're planning on making me mad."

"Well…okay. You're in perfect condition to go home today."

"Except?"

"Except that I want to keep you here for a little while longer."

"But I'm fine. And, I'm bored. I'm watching the Disney Channel, Richard. The Disney Channel!"

"I know, but I think you need to be where some…er…where I…"

"You want me to be where you can keep an eye on me," she sighed, frowning.

"Yes, I do. I'm sorry to do this to you, Addie, but we'll have to transfer you to psych."

"NO!" she screeched. "I'm fine, Richard. I don't need to be in the psych ward. It's been way more than twenty-four hours. I'm not on…well…I'm fine now."

"I'm sorry, Addie. As the treating physician here…"

"Don't give me that bullshit!" she was definitely angry now. "You just want to make sure I have a baby-sitter!"

Hot tears sprang to her eyes. She'd only yelled at Richard one time that she could remember in her past. Sure, he'd yelled at her plenty of times, but she'd never yelled back. As an intern, she was scared of him. As a resident, she respected him. Now, as a fellow surgeon, her respect for him was stronger than ever, but she yelled anyway. She continued to do so until a nurse came into the room, followed by Alex and Meredith. When she realized she had an audience, Addison stopped screaming and turned to sulking and glaring.

"Chief? Can I try to handle this?" Alex was shocked and a little unnerved at Addison's outburst.

"Good luck. Remember, you're dealing with a red head."

"I know," he ushered the others out and turned to Addison. "Well?"

"I'm sorry I yelled."

"You need to tell the chief, not me."

"I know, but he wants to put me on the psych floor!" she said indignantly. "I'm not crazy."

"Honey, the psych floor isn't just for crazy people. It's also for people who just need…"

"A baby-sitter."

"No, not a baby-sitter."

"I don't want to go to the psych floor!"

"I know," he sat down next to her, and she curled up between his legs. "Is there any other way?"

"I don't know. He said I was well enough to be discharged, but he doesn't want to let me be alone."

"Hmm. Would he let you go on the promise that someone would always be with you?"

"I don't know. Maybe," she looked hopeful. "It would probably depend on who would be with me."

"What about me? Would he trust you to me?"

"I don't know. Go ask him. He's probably waiting to make sure I didn't eat your soul."

"You're too sweet to eat souls."

"Are you sure about that, Captain of the Vagina Squad?" she teased.

"I'm sure," he grinned and kissed her on the nose. "Let me go find out."

"The answer is no, Karev."

"But, Chief, you don't even know…"

"Addison is staying here."

"What if I promise to be with her at all times. Everywhere she goes, I go."

"I think you should ask her about that."

"She doesn't mind. She'd do anything to be able to go home."

"I don't know," he looked at Meredith, who nodded and Derek, who had just joined them and nodded as well. "Okay, but you really do have to be with her all the time. Stand right next to the bathroom when she's in there. Don't let her close the door all the way. Put away anything sharp."

"I will, Chief. I'll take good care of her."

"You'd better. She's like a daughter to me."

Yikes! No pressure! I can do this. I'll make sure she's completely okay. Maybe she'll even talk to me about what's going through her mind. Alex and Richard stepped back into Addison's room, where she was anxiously awaiting their decision.

"Well? Can I go home yet?"

"Yes," Addison started to cheer, but Richard made a motion to stop her. "On a few conditions."

"Anything."

"Let Alex go wherever you do. Don't argue when he's staying too close or putting things away."

"Okay. I promise. I'll be really good."

"I know you will," Richard smiled and patted her shoulder. "But try and give him a bit of a rough time. Make him spoil you a little," he whispered into her ear and she nodded enthusiastically.

"Thank-you! Thank-you so much. Oh, and I'm sorry I yelled," she apologized, and he waved as if to say "no problem".

After Alex helped Addison settle into her bed at home, he wasn't sure what to do with himself. Someone had come in and cleaned up the blood, probably Callie. He wanted to be close to her, but curiosity was driving him insane. Why did she want to die? She's so amazing. Why would she want to end it all? Asking was out of the question, as he'd promised her and himself that he would let her come to him. They lay in bed watching TV and cuddling. Occasionally, she'd ask him for something to eat or drink, and he would get it so fast that it surprised her the first few times. She laughed when he returned carrying both orange and grape juice merely seconds after leaving the room.

"What? I didn't know what juice you wanted."

She laughed again and took the grape juice. He finished off the glass of OJ, secretly glad that she took grape because he hated grape juice.

"Alex?" she whispered, just as he was ready to doze off.

"Yeah, Babe?" he thought she had been asleep as well.

"I want to talk."

"Okay."

"No, I mean I want to really talk."

"Oh, okay," he sat up a little more, relieved that she was going to tell him.

"There's something you should know about me," she paused, watching his facial expressions carefully. "I was raped as a kid. I was in third grade."

She watched his expression change from concerned to what looked like embarrassed to angry and back to worried. He didn't look revolted, and she felt nothing but relief. However, when he didn't speak, she began to get upset. Why won't he say something? Is he really that revolted? I shouldn't have told him, but I really like him and…Tears filled her eyes for what seemed like the hundredth time as of late.

Dude, you have to say something. Tell her that you're cool with it. Tell her how much you love her. Enough with the shocked silence. I want to kill the bastard that hurt her. I. WANT. TO. KILL. HIM. Just do something. Hold her. So, he did. He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. I'll never let you go, Addie. As long as you want me to be here, I will be. He kissed the top of her head, tracing figure eights along her back.

"Is that what brought all this on?" Why didn't she tell me about that sooner? I wish she would have.

"That's part of it," her body seemed to curl smaller, and she was playing with the sheet.

"You can tell me whenever you're ready."

"I'm ready. I just…don't know how to say it," she took a deep breath, and I took her hand in mine. "Iwantedtohaveababyandireallymissmyhusband," it all came out as one word ending in a sob.

"You…what?"

"I really did want to have a baby."

"A baby?"

"Yeah. I was pregnant. Twice before. The first time, it was Derek's baby. We had this big fight, and I didn't know yet that I was pregnant. A little too much alcohol later, I had a miscarriage. The second time, I aborted Mark's baby. I'm not really sure why I did it. I knew he would make a terrible father, but I also wanted to believe that I still had a chance with Derek. It's selfish, I know, but I love my husband."

"Er…uhh…"

"Well, you know what I mean. I've been with him almost as long as I haven't been with him. I love him, but I know now that we'll never be together. I don't want to be his wife anymore, but I still miss him."

"I'm sorry, Addie."

"It's not your fault."

"I know, but I do feel bad for you."

"I found her sonogram picture. Mark's child's picture. That day, I was cleaning out the pockets of a jacket that hadn't been worn in a while, and I found the sonogram picture. I can't tell for sure because it's still a little too early, but I think the baby would have been a girl."

"Oh."

"She would've been about six months old now."

"Oh."

"But instead of saving my marriage, I killed my child. Either way, I lost because my marriage ended less than a year later," she sighed and sniffled a little. "If I'd kept that baby, at least I would have a daughter. Or son. Anyway." Sigh.

"You don't know that. Things happen the way they do for a reason. Maybe the spirits that be led you down that path so that you wouldn't have to deal with something worse."

"Maybe." Hiccup. "I was overcome with guilt and emotions. I didn't want to have to deal with them again."

"Is that why you…?"

"Mostly, yeah. I was also thinking about something else. You."

I made her want to kill herself? That's not right. I wish med school offered chick logic instead of All You Need to (and probably don't want to) Know about Old People 101. Alex was unsure of how to respond to that, so he sat in silence, hoping that she would clarify. Addison realized that she'd just told her boyfriend that he made her suicidal and immediately began to figure out a way to explain herself. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. Oh, crap. He probably thinks it's his fault now.

"Alex, I didn't mean that you made me want to…hurt myself. I've just been thinking about you a lot lately. I really like you, but I've heard things and…"

"Addison," he interrupted, "How many times do I have to tell you that you're not a piece of ass to me? You're one of the most amazing people I have ever met, and if you think for one second that I'm going to let you get away, well, you're really wrong. I've wanted to be with you for a while now, but you're too good for me."

"No, I'm not. Did you not see the scars?"

"I noticed them when we fell asleep on the couch, but everyone has a past. If I'd had any idea that you were still feeling so down, I would've been there for you more. I wish you had told me. I want to know things about you."

"I only did it one other time." Only?! He thought as she continued. "It was right after the miscarriage. Derek blamed me for killing our child. He wouldn't even look at me, but I didn't know I was pregnant. He was supposed to do a special program about alcohol for a high school in Manhattan, and he'd brought home some organs in formalin and a dissection kit. It was sitting right there in his office. Before I knew what I was doing, I'd put the scalpel into both arms. Mark came in to get something for Derek and found me. Derek wouldn't even come to the ER to check on me or anything. It only made him madder. We never discussed it. He pretends it didn't happen. I wish it hadn't," she felt like crying again, but there were no more tears to cry.

"Addie, when you're feeling that way, you need to tell someone. So many people look up to you, love you. Hell, I think Izzie would be you if someone gave her the chance. If we lost you, there would be a whole of babies that wouldn't make it. You're the best. Plus, it would be a really bad day for me. And I don't like bad days."

She smiled a small, watery smile.

"I can't promise that I won't ever want to do it again."

"That's okay. You're allowed to feel overwhelmed, depressed, hurt, and angry. Just don't forget that you're also allowed to feel happy." She didn't say "try to do it again"! You're getting somewhere, man.

"Thanks, Alex."

"Anytime, Babe," he kissed the top of her tangled red head.

She put her head on his chest, and he began lightly humming a song that she made him think about from the very day he met her.

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me
of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by

AN: So, if you've been reading my fics, you'll see that I am quite the Guns 'n' Roses fan. You'll also notice that I'm getting into writing kicks that yield much longer chapters. Up next: Who raped Meredith and what shall I do about him…?