I found myself at her door debating on knocking. I was where I wanted to be she had all the answers that Ashley wouldn't tell me. If I heard what was going on from some stranger I could never forgive Ashley for not telling me. It was bad Ashley was acting crazy, the last time I seen her like this was when my mom made me go away for the summer only this is worse.

I had my hand to the door fully intending on knocking but something made me put my hand down. I couldn't I had to give her one more chance that was what I could give her. I turned and started walking I made it half way down the hallway when my cell started ringing.

"Hello"

"Where are you" Ashley asked in a frustrated voice

"I'm out why where the hell did you go?" I asked starting to get upset myself

"Don't worry about me; I want you back at the room now. I need to tell you something please!" she sounded a little frantic like maybe she knew I heard her

"I'm on my way now" I flipped the phone closed. Shit I really didn't want to hear what she did it really can't be that bad what she has been cheating on me. How much more could there be really? I just want to go back to the library where all is quiet and no one can yell. It's my own little solace place to go think.

I ended up in the library somewhere I took a turn that my body just did like it was its second nature. I knew Ashley would find me sooner or later. I would be alone here for a while to think no one ever came back here to this corner where all the old ancient books are. I don't even think the librarian came back here.

My mind was running on empty thinking on what it could be I know I should just face her let her tell me so this can all be over. Huh maybe it will be Ashley and I that is over. I pulled out of my thoughts by the girl from the party.

"I was told I could find you here" she took a seat "I think we should talk about our girlfriends!" she put her hand on mine, I pulled out of her grasp.

"I really don't want to talk to you about this" I said shaking my head at her

She had a surprised look on her face she must have been expecting me to want to hear her information.

"I know you must be upset with all of this I was just hoping we can talk about it"

"I really don't and I'm not upset about it" I wasn't going to let her know that I was overwhelmed with anger. I just smiled and went back to my book

She got up to leave "You must be really wiped; I'll never forgive Kate for falling in love with another girl." Her saying that word love made my head wipe up, my eyes must have been the size of golf balls.

She cocked her head and sat back down "You didn't know that this has been going on since before they were even at this school did you."

I had become speechless; I couldn't even gather a thought. My mind was spinning I felt as if I was going to faint and I was sitting. She has been with her how I was always with Ashley this has to be a lie.

"You're wrong I would have known" I stood up my voice was way above a library level. She stood up with me, putting her hands up.

"Wow don't kill the messenger I thought you knew Kate said Ashley told you, but obviously not all of it!"

I was pacing back and forth behind the table "So your telling me that when we were in L.A the were seeing each other?" "No way" I said shaking my head

She smiled a little "The summer before your senior year Ashley had a class at the hospital in Chicago. They meet there!"

"I can't hear anymore I need her to tell me this is just making it worse hearing it from you." I went to grab the book that I had been reading, she grabbed my hand.

"I'm in the same boat you are, I'm here if you want to talk!" She just smiled and left leaving me once again with my thoughts.

I just couldn't get my mind to wrap around what she said. I'm trying to think back when Ashley went to Chicago but all I can hear is that fucking word "LOVE."

I practically ran back to my room only stopping to pull out my key to the building. I made it up the stairs in record time. I stopped at my door breathing and counting to ten, I just want to make myself calm enough to hear her out not to just beat her.

When I opened the door she wasn't there, I shook my head and my breathing slowed. She said she would be here I know that was an hour or so ago but still. I walked to the bed where I could tell she sat waiting.

I lie down and stare at my ceiling, all the shit that I have put up with. The jealously her always telling me what to do I never had friends only Allie and she sure tried to put a stop too that. I never once thought she would do this I thought she loved me and only me. I started to cry only a little before I made myself stop I have to be stronger I don't want her to see me weak not know.

I must have fallen asleep because I felt my bed moving and someone lay down next to me. I knew it was her I could smell her. She always smelled like cherries why I don't know. I wanted to push her away but when I felt her hand slide over my stomach and grab a hold of my hand I couldn't move, all thoughts and anger were gone. See this is my problem I love her to much even if all she does is hurt me I can't stop myself she is like my drug.

I stayed awake until I knew she was asleep. I laid there with her for another minute or so until I crawled out from under her. She didn't move when I left her arms, she always sleeps heavy.

I went to the chair that was in the corner of my room and just watched her sleep. I knew this would probably be the last time she holds me or I watch her sleep. I didn't fall back asleep I just stared at her all night she moved a little made some faces and smiled in her sleep she must have been dreaming.

The sun was starting to come up a little light slipped through the curtains I had on my window. I made its way to her face lighting up her closed eyes. I knew it was any minute know that she would wake up.

I moved my legs from the arm of the chair and sat up, resting my arm on my knee and putting my hand to my face. I felt like I should cry but I was going to stay strong.

Her eyes flickered open and I just watched her realize I was sitting there and not underneath her. She flashed a smile at me which I didn't return.

"Hey why are you over there" she still laid staring at me with the sun now on her mouth.

"Where did you go I came back and you where gone" I asked never letting my stance or stare change.

"I went to look for you, you were taking forever" she was sitting up now

"I went to the library to think I didn't want to hear anymore of your lies just then!" She had a strange look on her face.

"Spencer come n I thought we could talk about this that's why I called you. I know we can make it through this!" She got up and came to me kneeling down on the ground grabbing my hands "I love you"

I pushed her away and started laughing it was more of a I better laugh not to cry. I got up stepping over her and pacing by Allie's bed.

"What the fuck was that for Spence" she said getting up

"Love…Hah… you don't know what love is! Who do you love yourself because all this…between us is nothing but a lie?"

She tried to grab me but I was raging now I don't think I knew what I was saying or even doing I just know it felt good. "Don't fucking touch me!"

"Spencer please don't freak out just listen" she tried to touch me again

My hand went out and struck her face I felt the pain stem through my hand to my heart I pulled my hand to my face trying to regain my composure. She covered her cheek where I just hit her. She was in shock never once have I hit her or her hit me

"No Ashley you listen I know what you did and I know you lied to me so this is your chance. The only chance I'm ever going to give you so you better just tell me, I know you think I won't leave you but I will I can't be with you not like this not if you…just tell me." I screamed at her

She stood there looking at me bewildered at what just happened. I think she didn't know what to do how to react. All I knew is I wanted an explanation a reason at why this was all happening why she did this to us.

She was quiet for a minute "Fine you say you know then why should I have to tell you make you hurt more, why am I even here you should have thrown me out last night when I came in here and held you."

"Fuck you" my tone was sad I felt my throat start to lump up

"Ok if you come here then maybe" She reached for me and this time got my wrists

"No stop you're not going to talk your way out of this, just let me go I'm not… I couldn't move from her grip and she cut me off mid sentence by her lips pressing into my mouth her tongue begging for entrance. I got away but she grabbed me again!

"Stop it Ashley, you fucked up not me!" she was losing control not only of herself but of me. I knew I was the only one that can stop her make her just relax, but everything in my body told me no.