A/N What if all the principals (except the arbiter, who i couldn't fit in) lived in the same street in London a la Avenue Q. Things have been worked slightly differently though. Cast: Brian-Anatoly, Kate- Svetlana, Nicky-Walter, Rod-Molokov, Florence-Christmas Eve and Freddy-Gary Coleman. Don't own Avenue Q or Chess. I also point that I do not endorse racist taunting or taunting of any kind in any way. Peace!

When I was little, I thought I would be…
a chess grandmaster seen on western TV.
But now I'm 42 and as you can see I'm not…anymore Oh well.

It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be obscure, unemployed and turning 43.
It sucks to be me.

I'm sort of clever, I wish that I had looks.
I crave for western things, like uncensored books.
And, as you know, I'm one of the greatest cooks.
So why can't I keep a husband.

It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Tolya and Svelte. To not choose your fate.
To have your hand dealt It sucks to be me.

We work together, we're cold as statesmen can get.
We've been in collusion ever since the day we met.
So he knows lots of ways to make the Kremlin upset.
Oh, ev'ry we're planning the fallout.
Fine, just make sure you got or guys all out.

You'd better wake up, and prob'ly nuke up too.
Oh yeah?
Where did I put the H-bombs, I've got just one or two.

You make this very small planet that we share a hell.
True, we do. But, of course, we blame you.

It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be me.
Is there anybody alive it doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me.

I was forced to this country and called a refugee.
Kids in the Homes called me a "Rouski."
But I'm from Hungary.
But with hard work earned an Oxford degree in Common Law.
Then I was a second.
But now I'm a barrister.
And I have an unemployed fiance.
And for all the bills I pay.

It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be me.
I think life well and truly, definitely, positively, exquisitely and unjustly sucks!
It sucks to be me.

I'm Fred'rick Trumper. THAT LAST MATCH WAS A HOAX
At best I was erratic, cause I'm disturbed by my folks.
Now I'm broke and I'm the butt of Florence's jokes.
But I'm here…stalking my ex. Well what can I do?

It sucks to be you.
It sucks to be you.

Try having people stopping you to ask you, "How come your second's a girl, lover boy?"
YOU WILL FEEL PAIN!

It sucks to be you.
It sucks to be you.
Well what can you do.

Sucks to be me. Well what can I do?
Sucks to be me. Well what can I do?
Sucks to be me. Well what can I do?

At least it's not forever!