Author's Note:
CraftyNotePad: Yum, this cookie rocks! (laughs) In my mind it is just a teensy weensy bit scary waking up and realizing you can't move. I know Lily should be happy but just wait there's always more! I'm glad you liked the chapter personally I think I could have done it better. I spent a little too much time mulling over it.
Music: Norah Jones- Not Too Late, Schuyler Fisk- Lonely Again… for the end of this chapter I used silence. (I find most of my music on Myspace. Personally, I don't have one but they have a ton of cool stuff so go under indie or folk rock … or just type in the artist and bam! Music!)
…..
(October 28, 2034 Oliver/Lily: 43 and Beatrix: 8)
OLIVER: I throw another load into the washing machine and press start. I watch clothes spin around and around getting faster with every turn. All I can hear is the ground slightly vibrating and the spinning noise of the machine.
I don't hear her footsteps.
I don't hear her laugh.
All is quiet.
"Daddy?"
I jump and turn around to see Bee looking up at me with worried eyes. "Yeah? "I ask scratching my neck.
"Is mommy okay?"
"She will be, just don't bother her too much okay?" I say bending down to her level. Beatrix shrugs and walks away. I walk out of the laundry room and into the kitchen. Bee is sitting at the table eating breakfast.
I pass her and slowly make my way upstairs. Our door is slightly open. It's cloudy this morning so it's dark and cold inside the room. I get to the door and push it open. Lily is lying in the bed. Eyes closed, pretending to sleep.
I go into the master bathroom and grab the painkillers the doctor proscribed. I snap off the top take two and fill a glass with water from the sink. I walk over to her. Lily and I haven't spoken much since we've gotten home from the hospital.
I come in every morning before I take Bee to school and give her the pills and then again at night before I go and sleep downstairs on the couch. I can't help her, she won't let me. I don't know if she thinks I'll turn her away. I don't know if she's embarrassed. I don't know!
"Lily?" I sit on the chair next to the bed and hold the green pills out to her. She opens her eyes. They are so dim, they are lifeless.
She takes the pills and water. I wait until she's finished and get back up and walk away. Although Lily is here, I can see her, touch her, she's disappeared.
"Come on Bee let's go."
We walk out and I shut the door.
LILY: My mother is sitting at the edge of my bed. I don't want her to know, I don't want her to see. I cover myself with the blankets and hope she will just leave.
"Lily? Come on I know you're awake." She says. "Rise and shine."
I turn over. "Mmm. Mornin'"
"Its 2:40 in the afternoon you should get out of bed."
I laugh, it's not a pretty laugh, it's dry. "I don't have legs."
"Sure you do, they just don't work… where's your wheelchair?" Mom asks looking around. She finds it folded up in the corner. She pushes the seat down and rolls it to my side of the bed. "Come Lily you smell, you need a bath."
Mom peels the covers off of me and I cringe. She helps me sit up and slowly slides me off the bed and into the chair. She wheels me into the bathroom.
The tub is already full of water. The sun is peaking through one of the window at the very top of the wall. My mom puts her hands on her hips and stares at me.
"What?" I frown at her.
She shakes her head and begins to pull my shirt over my head. I push away from her. "I have hands you know!" I hiss at her.
My mother backs away from me and sits down on the edge of the sink and waits. I pull my shirt off and look at her with a sour glare. She turns away and begins looking through my drawers taking out my toothpaste and comb.
I look down at the water and then at my legs. I try to pull my pajama bottoms off. I try to move, but silly me, I can't. I get frustrated and lean forward too fast and too hard and fall into the tub. A huge wave splashes onto the tile. Hallelujah! I'm in the tub.
Mom comes over to me and helps me readjust my queer position, my head against the wall and my legs dangling outside of the tub. She pulls my shorts off and picks my legs up and gently places them inside of the tub.
I wash my hair. The water is nice and warm as my mother pours a bucket over my head to get the soap out of my hair and eyes. I feel like a small child. I'm cleaned and shaved when Oliver walks into the room.
I've just about clasped my bra on when he pocks his head through the door. My mother is cleaning up the water on the floor. He smiles at me and I look up at him. Oliver's face is wrinkled and tired. I lean back in the chair.
I want to stand and run to him. I feel trapped more then ever. GET ME OUT! OUT! And then suddenly I start to cry. I'm alive, and I should rejoice but I can't fucking move! I can't twirl Bee around. I can't walk with Oliver down the path at the park.
"Lily?"
It's my mother's voice. I whimper and put my head in my hands. She wraps herself around me and holds my head to her chest. "Don't cry. Don't cry." She whispers soothingly in my ear.
But I just keep sobbing.
I release myself from my mother's grasp and rub my red eyes. Oliver is no longer standing in the doorway. I push the wheels of the chair forward and roll out of the bathroom. I get to the hallway and stare at the stairs.
Suddenly I feel strong arms wrap around me and lift me up. Oliver picks me up from the chair and carries me down the stairs. My mother grabs the wheelchair. Oliver places me gently on the couch in the living room. He hands me my book that I was reading weeks ago but never finished. (Of Mice and Men by Steinbeck.)
He kisses my cheek and then goes back to making dinner. I watch him. My mother quietly says goodbye and walks out the door. Bee waves at me from the kitchen table, she is coloring.
"Ollie?" Hearing my voice is strange. It is shaky and cracks at his childhood nickname.
In a spilt second he is at my side caressing my cheek. "It's so good to hear you…" He whispers.
His fingers are warm from the heat of the stove. I begin to nod my head but then it shakes back and forth. "I just…" I begin, but I can't say it. "I just can't do it anymore… I'm so tired… Ollie I'm dying."
Oliver shakes his head quickly. "Pish Posh darling we are all closer to death every day." He tries to keep the moment light. I kiss him. I need to remember exactly what he tastes like.
The kiss is hard and forced. My hands run through his hair, pulling and tugging. His arms circle around me like a fitted belt. And then I forget. I'm dizzy with love for this adorable boy. He is still just as boyish and clumsy.
"I love you." I tell him, pulling away oh so slowly.
"Forever and always." Oliver smiles. I touch his rough face; I run a finer along his jaw line. He kisses me again and then I fly, I' am released: being wells up in my heart.
(November 1, 2034 Lily/Oliver: 43 and Beatrix: 8)
OLIVER: I realize, once again, just how much I love her laugh. We are sitting at the dinning room table with Miley and Jake drinking and playing scrabble when Lily just throws her head back and laughs. She's sitting next to me with one hand on my thigh and another in her lap. She looks wonderful.
I'm playing with her endless hair. Her wheelchair is pulled up very close to my side. Miley took the news of Lily almost the same way I did. She couldn't meet Lily's eye for about a week. And then one day all of us broke down together and then… well here we are; back the way it was in high school: laughing.
One of Miley's old Hannah records is playing. Jake reminds us of the good days- sneaking into premieres disguised as different people (Lola and Owen) and plotting evil schemes on how to get Ashley and Amber back.
Lily giggles as she recalls a time traveling and ending up naked in the men's bathroom at a Hannah concert. I chuckle remembering when I found her running down the back stage hallway hiding behind a trashcan.
Thump.
We look to the kitchen. Lily pushes me forward, telling me to check it out. She hands me the blanket that was draped over her legs to me. I take it and see a nude Lily leaning up against the bottom cabinet.
"Hey buddy." She waves while trying to sit up; her legs lying helpless, and useless. She winces as she finally succeeds at pulling up her weight. I wrap her in the blanket and pick her up.
She snuggles into my chest and kisses my neck. "You smell good." She smiles.
"Anything for you." I wink charmingly. I bring her into the living room and I place her gently on the sofa and kiss her forehead. Miley and Jake are very quietly watching the scene. The Lily of my moment just keeps smiling.
I turn back to the traveling Lily and whisper in her hair. "Need anything?"
"No thanks Ollie, I just want to sleep." She yawns. I nod and kiss her again and then turn and sit back at the table.
"Wow." Miley breathes.
"What?" I ask looking around confused.
"You're so…" Miley trails off and Jake blinks dumbly.
My Lily kisses me fully on the lips and quietly says to me. "You're perfect." I don't understand but Lily looks so happy, so I don't question it. She holds my hand tightly and doesn't let it go for the remainder of the night.
LILY: Oliver is tracing the lines on my face. His fingers tips lightly brush across my eyelashes, my lips, the wrinkles around my mouth and the corners of my eyes. He is careful and warm.
"Thank-you." I whisper after a moment.
"For what?" He asks, still tracing.
"For being tender and true."
I feel his lips on my cheek. I take his face in my hands and pull him to me. He rolls on top of me, our lips crash together. I love him this way, his weight crushing me and pushing me deeper into the mattress of the bed.
I want to wrap my legs around him. I want to feel him in that way. I want him to stroke my thighs and kiss my ankles, I want to feel. But instead we pull away and he holds me close to his chest. He runs his hand up and down the side of my arm.
I feel my throat close up, choking me. I can't do this… I don't want to leave him. I can't imagine a place without him. No heaven could be complete without my Ollie.
"Oliver?" I whisper, scared. "When it comes… when I go everything is taken care of… I've made arrangements."
His hold on me tightens and I wince, it hurts.
"Please don't talk like that." Oliver sighs
"… I'm sorry." I cringe barring my head in his blue shirt. I breathe in shaky and let out harsh and fast. Tears are slowly falling. I can't do this. "Don't let me go… Don't let it get me…" I cry softly.
Oliver puts his face in my hair. "Lily… Lily… I won't let it… never."
We fall asleep, me clinging to his shirt and Oliver holding me, safe and sound.
(November 3, 2034 Oliver/Lily: 43 and Beatrix: 8)
LILY: I'm lounging lazing about. My legs are dangling off of the chair arm. A warm blanket is covering me and my book is just getting to the good part. I turn the page and smile, good old Kurt Vonnegut gets me every time!
"Again with Slaughterhouse five!" Oliver laughs walking down the stairs staring at me.
"Well he is a genius!"
"Or not." Oliver fights back playfully. If I could I would have jumped up and punched him, but I can't. For a moment it hurts, but then I look up and meet Oliver's warm eyes and suddenly I don't care.
"Here." Oliver bends down and holds out his arm. "You know you want to."
I laugh and punch his lightly on the shoulder. "Thank-you, I feel much better."
"Always the abuser tisk, tisk." Oliver sighs walking off into the kitchen. "How does chicken sound for tonight?" He yells to me from the other room.
"If I say no what would we have?" I smirk.
"Chicken!"
I laugh and look back to my book. Bee is taking piano lessons from Miley today. Oliver and I will have to pick her up promptly at six or Miley will have out heads. I hear something crash upstairs. Oliver hears it too and goes sprinting up the stairs. I have to wait.
"It's Bee!"
"MOM!"
"Bee?"
Beatrix comes bounding down the stairs and races to me out of breath. She's wearing one of my The Shins t-shirts. "What is it?" I ask placing my book down and sitting up, with much difficulty.
She wipes a few tears away and I'm having flashbacks of another November day one year ago.
"I-I… when was it? Tell me the date, place, everything! We can beat it!" She talking so fast I have to blink twice and turn to Oliver who is standing on the bottom step.
"Bee what are you talking about?" Oliver says slowly. She groans, frustrated and sits next to me and looks at my legs and then at her hands clasped together tight.
"You haven't traveled there yet have you, to the party this New Year?"
"No." I tell her and she puts her head in her hands. Bee begins to shake from her tears. I pull myself closer to her and hug her.
"I try… I try every time and every time I fail. I can't win. This isn't fair!" She screams.
Oliver walks over and pulls her head up by her chin. "Tell us everything Bee."
"I know there are alternate universes out there… or were, once mom was well paralyzed that screwed everything up. All of the other possibilities flew out the window. And now I'm trying to find where it is mom goes. The place where she dies. I think I can save her but I don't know where to go."
I pull her blond hair back behind her ear. "Can I talk to Bee alone for a minute Oliver?" I ask him. Oliver looks hurt but walks off anyway to check on the chicken.
"How old are you Bee?"
"Twenty-seven."
"So you're married to Robert?" I ask softly. She sighs and leans back into the couch
"Yes, but we're fighting right now… he thinks I'm spending too much time trying to save you. He says that I should let it go and move on… like a normal person."
I take a good look at my daughter. What punches a hole through my heart is that she's beginning to look like I do now. Thin, frail, sickly.
"I love you Bumble Bee you know if I could I would stay with you and your dad but… I just don't see how this can truly be over…" It kills me to tell her this.
"But there is! If I can stop what's coming then we'll be free!" There's excitement in her voice.
"But what about you Beatrix? How do I save you?"
She looks at her feet. "I'm already saved. Doctor Brown found something for me…just me… I'm just not… well I'm putting it off, I have to save you first." She's determined.
I grab my daughter fiercely by the arms. "Listen to me! You get back to your own time and take whatever the hell Cindy has for you. Stop traveling."
Bee looks scared but shakes her head. "No." And then she disappears.
Oliver walks back into the room and we stare at the t-shirt lying on the floor. "Did she have any solutions?"
"No, I'm just ruining her life."
(November 14, 2034 Lily/Oliver: 43 and Beatrix: 8)
OLIVER: Lily has been in a funk ever since the visit from older Beatrix. She still smiles at me and kisses me good morning and good night but something is missing. She doesn't hold my hand.
Currently I'm at the shop. Lily is rolling around with Bee on her lap. They are zooming into and out of the back rooms. I can hear Bee squealing with delight and begging Lily to go faster.
We've had fifteen customers today. The sun is already down and it's closing time. I finish recording the buys and close the book. I lock the door and pull down the shades and turn the open sign to closed side.
"Daddy!" I hear Beatrix cry.
"What?" I ask grabbing my coat and slipping it on.
"Mommy's gone!"
It's funny but every time I hear that it's like the first time. My body shrinks and my heart hurts. "Ok sweetie, let's fold up her clothes and go home. I'll get the chair…"
(January 1, 2035, Lily/ Oliver: 43 and Beatrix: 8)
LILY: Not two seconds ago I was playing with Bee. We were on my wheelchair skating across the music shop's back rooms. Now, I'm in the hallway of my house. I hear people cheering: "Happy New Year!"
My arms hurt; I'm pulling my dead weight across the wood floor trying to find someone.
"Lily?!"
It's Jake; he sheds his black jacket and wraps it around me. "Take me to the living room." I demand just as I hear Miley scream.
He picks me up and runs. Everyone is in a circle gathered around the other me who belongs in this time. The other me is bleeding from a gun shot in the chest. She is shivering a shaking.
Jake tells everyone to get the hell out of the way. For a split second I'm very happy to have him around and then all of my attention goes to the me dying on the living room carpet.
Jake places me next to myself. I take her hand. "Where, tell me!"
"O-October 27, 1992…" She breathes out. Her face is scrunched up and pained. "I-In the woods… Oliver!"
Suddenly Oliver comes running through the front door. He is at her side in a moment. His eyes glance to me and then to his dying wife. He's crying. He cradles her in his arms.
"Mommy!" Bee screams trying to fight her way through the people.
"Love you…" The other me whispers to him.
"Lily-" Oliver cries.
"Always…"
"Oh God, oh God."
"And forever…"
"No! Lily!" Oliver's voice rings out amongst the silence. Everyone is still, frozen in place staring. I cradle Bee as she whimpers and reaches out for her other mother. The woman who is me in a matter of months.
I shut my eyes. There is so much blood. I put my face in Beatrix's hair, she smells like raspberries. Home… Home… Where is my home?
(November 3, 2034 Lily/Oliver: 43 and Beatrix: 8)
OLIVER: I'm putting Bee to bed when I hear Lily sobbing. I kiss Beatrix's head and tell her to stay and sleep. I run to our bedroom and find Lily crying into the covers.
"I saw it!" She says not looking at me. "Oh God I wish I hadn't!"
I get onto the bed and crawl up next to her. "Don't speak just… let me hold you."
"No, now all we have to do is wait for Bee… wait for her to come back and then it'll be ok…"
I'm running my fingers through her hair. "You sure about this?"
"It's all I have to work with. I can't die yet, I'm not ready… I love you Oliver."
"I love you too Lily, so much."
…..
Author's Note: Blah! I'm not sure about this chapter… Also (sad note) I won't be able to update for a while. I'm going out of town. Truly, I'm sorry. So hang in there and stay faithful to me, you'll like what's coming… well… I hope you do. Leave your thoughts.