Sam shut her locker and slammed her head against the door. She sighed as she slumped her body down towards the floor and for the first time in a long time, she cried. The last, and only, time she cried was when she held his dying body as he slowly drifted into nothingness. She didn't cry when the took his body away, she didn't cry when her father came to see her, when the council apologized for what had happened, or when her friends made numerous attempts to take her out and make her forget.
Why did this mission have to happen? Why now, when she was doing such a great job denying it had ever happened. Her breathing became heavy as she closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands. 'I pray you find happiness elsewhere Samantha.' She gasped at the sudden flash of memory. 'Oh God!' She thought. 'Why?! Why me? I'm such an idiot, I didn't have to kill him, there could've been some other way… there had to have been.' By then she was slamming her fist into the locker, her other hand was grasping her hair. She stopped her physical torment and sobbed harder to her heart's content. The pain was unbearable, never had her heart been so shattered. But she felt she had only herself to blame for that fact.
What's worse, her team was scheduled to visit the Tok'ra later on in the week to exchange information, just what she needed, more reminders of Martouf and Lantash. She didn't know what she'd done to deserve this sort of punishment, but it was putting to test every bit of strength she had within herself. The pain was beginning to make her nauseous. Sam ran to the bathroom and began vomiting. She was disgusted with herself, disgusted with everything. When she was done she sat next to the toilet, buried her face with her arms wrapped around her legs, it was all she could do having been completely taken over by her emotions.

Dr. Fraiser ran through the hallways looking for Sam. SG-1 was scheduled to leave for the Tok'ra world in less than ten minutes and she knew she just had to catch her friend before they left. "General! Sir, have you seen Major Carter?"

"No I can't say I have. Why is something wrong that would prevent her from going on this mission?"

"Sir, I just have something very important to speak to her about."

"Whatever it is, unless its going to put her in danger you're going to have to wait until after they come back."

"Well yes but Sir…"

"Dr. Fraiser, this meeting with the Tok'ra is long overdue. I'm sure whatever you two have to talk about can wait. Understood?"

"Yes sir." She sighed knowing she was defeating in their conversation. The General was right, Sam's current condition did not impede her from gate travel, technically she could wait to tell her friend.

SG1 was escorted to the room where several Council members were seated, waiting. In the corner Sam noticed Anise, and someone she recognized as being a healer. Sam had never spoken to Anise or Freya after the incident, as far as she was concerned they were going to be on bad terms for a long time coming. She ignored their presence and greeted her father. "Sammie, everything alright kiddo?"

"Yeah Dad, of course."

Selmak came forward, "Samantha, although I may not have known you as long as your father, even I can see your smile is feigned."

She shrugged her shoulders, "What can I say Sel, there's not much to smile about these days. Lets just get this over with alright."

/God I hate seeing her this miserable./

/As do I Jacob, but we must allow her to mourn in her own way./

/Well if you ask me, she's acting like she's in complete denial about the whole thing. What I'd give to just see her old optimistic self again./

The meeting had begun as Selmak and Jacob conversed amongst themselves. Everyone had greeted one another than Anise stepped forward to present her findings on the zartac technology. Sam, who had been staring down on the table faught the urge to vomit as she heard the mention of his name. She breathed deep and closed her eyes.

"Martouf?"

"I do not know this woman."

"But I'm right aren't I? That's your name?"

"It is. How do you know me?"

Sam had missed minutes of Anise's presentation as images of Martouf's face flashed before her. It didn't matter, she was sure that Daniel was paying enough attention to write a report about it later anyway. All she saw were his captivating grey eyes. She remembered when he had taken off his desert hat, how his hair looked so disheveled and silly, but for some reason she couldn't help but melt at the sight of it. She remembered the first time Lantash came forward and spoke to her. How at first she was absolutely shocked, but quickly began to calm down, in fact she found his words quite comforting as they sat on the dunes discussing the Tokra and what it was to be schizophrenic. Then there were times when Lantash was so passionate about his views that it scared her. But mostly, it amazed her how he can have so much dediction to his cause, after all the hardships he had been through, most people would've just given up on life. They hid their emotions well at the news of Jolinar's fate, but inside she knew they were dying, just as she was dying at this very moment.

"So wait a minute, what are you saying? Martouf's alive?"

"What?" Sam whispered as she was pulled back into reality at the sound of the Colonel's voice.

"Barely, but yes." It was the healer who answered. Sam was in shock, her eyes staring directly ahead waiting for an explanation. Beneath the table her hands were shaking uncontrollably. Tears threatened to fall down her face.

"What the hell is this some sort of sick joke?!" Sam stood and was about to storm out of the room. "Have a little respect for him, he's dead! They're dead, their gone and… Oh God!" She sobbed.

"Sam, honey." Her father said as he made his way toward his daughter.

"No don't! Don't you dare touch me!" everyone in the room was staring at her as she attempted to regain some composure. "I… I'm sorry." Was all she said as she stormed out of the room to reach the surface. Everyone stood in silence, some in complete shock over what just happened, some saddened by the thought of such love gone to waste.

"I am sorry," Anise apologized to the team, "I was not aware of Major Carter's feelings for Martouf and Lantash."

"That's just it, no one was." Daniel said bitterly. "Everyone was too goddamned focused on their own agenda… Look it can't be easy for her to always have to maintain the military persona, just 'cause she looks tough on the outside doesn't mean she's the same way on the inside."

"Daniel what the hell are you talking about?" Jack was getting a little annoyed at his friends overly dramatic mentality. He always seemed to make everything bigger than it actually seemed.

"Shuttup Jack you're one of the worst! You were too goddamn busy hating him you didn't even care what his intentions were, hell you didn't even care about what he had to say about anything. Believe it or not Jack, he wasn't just a 'snakehead,' he was a good man, they both were. And Sam, well just had too much respect for you to ever do anything you disapproved of. Including following her heart. Pull your head outta your ass and spit out all that pride and arrogance Jack, maybe you'd actually see things for what they actually are. And you!" He turned to Anise/Freya. "You're so goddamn focused on this zartac bullshit that you forget he's not your friggin lab rat! He's a person, with a life that deserves a hell of a lot more respect than what you've offered thus far. You should just be happy that one of your own is alive instead of putting all your effort into poking and prodding at him to try to find some cure that may or may not even exist. No offense, its great what you're trying to do to battle the goa'uld and all that, its noble really, but that man out there is alive, along with his symbiote, shouldn't you be focused on helping them get better? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go see if my friend is alright." He began to make his way out the room when he stopped briefly. "Oh and if you're worried about her blaming any of you for what happened, she doesn't. She blames herself for everything." He stormed out with Teal'c in tow.

Sam sat on the dunes with one hand the wrapped around her legs, the other doodling hearts along the sand surface. She had been writing their names over and over again. "I'm sorry." She said, feeling Tealc's presence come up behind her. She knew Daniel was with him too, she just couldn't sense him the same way she could a symbiote. "I didn't mean to make a scene in there."

"Nah, don't worry about it." Responded Daniel as the two sat beside her. Teal'c made notice of what she was drawing, "Major Carter, are you alright?"

"I'm fine Teal'c, its just… I'm sorry, you guys probably think I'm pathetic."

"Why would we think that?" She shrugged in response. "Sam, were you even listening to a word they said, or was it just that last part you caught?" Not hearing any response he decided to continue. "Well apparently, when they brought back the body, he was just barely alive. They put him in some sort of suspension or something and maintained essential bodily functions while Anise worked to figure out the zartac technology…" Sam ran away from the two and began vomiting again. The two men stared at each other thinking it was just a natural response to the idea that Martouf and Lantash were essentially nothing but lab rats for the past two months. She sat back between them when she was finished but didn't say a word. "I'm so sorry Sam."

"Why wouldn't Dad tell me?"

"It was top secret, not a lot of people knew about the project."

"What changed?"

"There wasn't any progress being made. Whatever was left of him being zartac was probably destroyed after the second shot of the zat. Once Anise realized this, it all became general knowledge, which would explain why we found all this out just now. It would give everyone a chance to…properly say their goodbyes." Her face was pale and emotionless, but still the tears rolled down her face. Sensing that she was about to collapse Teal'c grabbed her bod as it began to fall backward, unconscious.