Disclaimer: The characters are the property of the amazingly talented J.K Rowling! I'm only borrowing the characters and world that she has so brilliantly created.

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Beta by: ilovethedotgame

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Chapter Four: Realizations

James laid on his back on his four-poster bed in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, mentally kicking himself for what had transpired the night before.

How could he have been so stupid? Pushing Lily's hair back and kissing her forehead? What if someone had walked down the stairs and seen him? He would have been in more trouble than he'd ever been in his entire life, and considering the number of times he'd been sent to Dumbledore's office, that would be saying something indeed.

However careless his actions, James could not lie to himself – he had enjoyed the feeling of Lily's skin beneath his lips and had enjoyed watching her in peaceful sleep.

James groaned aloud and brought his hands up to cover his face. Bloody hell, he fancied Lily Evans.

L … J

Over the next several weeks, James did his best to forget any feelings he might have for Lily, but rather than diminish, his feelings seemed to intensify.

Thinking that avoiding her could possibly do the trick, James set out to make himself scarce each time Lily was in the general vicinity. This proved to be more difficult than he had originally anticipated since he not only had to see her in nearly all of their classes, but had to patrol the halls with her, and also see her at all the prefect meetings. And since Lily was now a more prominent figure in his group of friends, she seemed to be around quite a bit.

In an effort to keep Lily out of sight, James took to hiding out in his dormitory, the library, and the Prefect's meeting room. But after two weeks, James decided that this not only looked highly suspicious, but was also a little rude as he had always done homework with his friends.

Upon realizing this, James went back to doing homework with his friends in the Gryffindor common room. Of course, his group of friends now included Lily. And James was back were he started.

L … J

Mass Muggle Killing Near Brighton

Late last night the Ministry of Magic confirmed that You-Know-Who and his supporters are behind the latest muggle attacks near Brighton. Aurors speculate that nearly fifteen muggles were killed in the attack. Several homes were also destroyed.

The muggle government is telling the muggles that the source of the deaths is the result of a leak in the gas pipe system. Meanwhile, the Ministry is urging the wizarding community to remain calm. "Nothing can be gained by panicking," said an anonymous ministry representative.

- - - - - - - - - -

Lily lowered the Daily Prophet, her eyes staring straight ahead but seeing nothing.

"Lily?" Hestia asked, sounding concerned. "What is it?"

"More muggle killings."

Emmeline, whose mother was a muggle, snatched the Prophet and began reading.

"When will this all stop?" Hestia asked to no one in particular. "I don't understand why everyone can't just live together in peace."

"I don't know," Alice replied, pushing her untouched eggs around on her plate. "But when I'm an Auror, I'm going to make sure that the Death Eaters are brought to justice."

L … J

Lily sat in front of the fire in the Prefects meeting room; her Potions essay and several books lay forgotten on the circular meeting table.

The article in the Daily Prophet had been on her mind all afternoon, and she had found it hard to concentrate on her studies. The stories of Voldemort and his Death Eaters torturing and killing muggles…Her parents were out there, unprotected…

A few tears formed in the corner of her eyes and before Lily could stop them, they ran down her cheeks.

The door suddenly opened, and James Potter strode in with his bag slung over his shoulder. It would seem that he had just come from quidditch practice because his hair was even wilder looking than ever, and his face was red with windburn. His robes looked disheveled, as though he had dressed hurriedly and without paying particular care to his appearance.

When James spotted Lily sitting in front of the fire, he stopped in his tracks.

"Oh, I didn't know you were here," he rambled. "I was just looking for somewhere quiet to work, but if you want to be alone, I can --"

"You can work here, I don't mind." Lily wiped the tears from her eyes, and stood up to move her things so James would have room to work.

At that moment, James seemed to realize that something was wrong. He ducked his head slightly to try and see her face properly, but Lily purposefully turned away from him.

"Lily, are you okay?" he asked, moving so that he could look her in the eye.

"It's nothing."

"It's about that article in the Prophet, isn't it?"

"Maybe… Yes. I'm just so worried, James," Lily broke down. "You know my parents are muggles – they're defenseless against Voldemort and his Death Eaters. I haven't told them about any of it, and I can't help thinking that I'm wrong for keeping them in the dark. They don't know what's out there…"

Tears streamed down Lily's cheeks, and she brought her hands up to hide her face. She felt James slowly put his arms around her and draw her close. Instinctively, she leaned into him, crying into his shoulder.

"Feel better?" James asked after Lily had cried herself out.

Lily nodded. "A little."

James moved to sit down on the couch, and taking Lily's hands, pulled her so that she sat down next to him.

"I know you worry about your family, Lily," James began, "I worry about mine too. My father's the head of the Auror Department at the Ministry. But would telling your parents about Voldemort really make any difference to them?"

"At least they'd know what they're facing."

"They wouldn't be able to defend themselves against Voldemort even if they wanted to, Lily. They can't hide from them either. Why tell them only to have them live in fear? And who knows, they might not be attacked at all. Why worry them needlessly?"

Lily eyes filled with tears again, but she nodded. "You're right…I – I just…my parents and my sister are all I have," she said, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Don't be stupid," James smiled as he leaned forward towards Lily and brushed a stray strand of hair away from her face tucking it behind her ear. "You have Hestia, Alice, and Emmeline. And you've got Sirius, Peter, Remus…and me."

Lily smiled slightly at the truth of James' words. "I know, but they're the only family I have. I love my parents and even if my sister, and I don't see eye to eye on anything, she's my sister and I have a familial love for her. I'm just scared that something will happen to them, and then it will just be me. If something happens to them, I'd be all alone."

James laughed softly. "Didn't I just tell you? You would not be alone. But God forbid something were to happen to your family, do you think we'd just let you live on the streets?"

"No," Lily smiled weakly.

"We're your friends, Lily. We're here to take care of you when you need us and vice versa."

"Thank you, James," Lily smiled and put her arms around his neck, giving him a friendly hug, which he returned. "James?" Lily asked hesitantly after a second.

"Yes?" he answered, pulling out of their embrace.

"There's been something I've wanted to say to you for a while, but I guess I didn't know how to say it," Lily began. "I just wanted to say how much help you've been as Head Boy. I'll admit I had my doubts about you given your past history, and since you were never a prefect, but you haven't let me down at all. In fact, you've done more than your share of the work. I know it can't be easy when you also have your quidditch duties and schoolwork, so I just want to say thanks."

She grinned sheepishly, awaiting his answer.

"You – You're welcome, I guess," James stuttered. "You work really hard too though, and you've helped me out loads."

After a moment, Lily stood. "I'd better get to work on my essay," she motioned to her forgotten school work on the table. "But thanks, James, for letting me cry on your shoulder."

"Any time, Lily. Any time."

L … J

James watched as Lily worked on her essay. She was re-reading what she had written and frowning at the parchment in obvious frustration.

He forced himself to look away and concentrate on his own essay. Well, that was certainly easier said than done.

James kept remembering the way his heart had started beating wildly, and his hands had become a tad clammy when Lily had told him that she had something to say to him.

Then, when all she had done was thank him, he had felt a keen sense of disappointed at the thank you. Certainly, he appreciated the thanks, but even if it was impossible, "thanks" was not what he wanted to hear her say to him.

L … J

James sat eating breakfast in the Great Hall with Sirius, Remus, and Peter, (the girls had chosen to cluster at the far end of the table with some sixth years) when a large screech sounded the arrival of the morning post.

Owls of every size and breed swooped into the massive room, delivering their letters and parcels to the students. A small, tawny owl with snow clinging to its feathers dropped a letter onto James's plate and settled on his shoulder, nipping his ear in an affectionate manner.

"Hey, Seeker," he greeted his owl. Taking a piece of bacon off his plate, James fed the strip of meat to the bird. Clamping the bacon securely in her beak, Seeker hooted in thanks and took flight again, disappearing from sight.

James picked the letter up off of his plate and examined it. He recognized the writing as his fathers, and flipping the letter over, he saw the Potter crest in the scarlet wax seal. Opening the letter, he read through it, frowning at what was written.

"Something the matter, mate?" Sirius asked, noticing James' stormy expression.

James folded the letter and stuffed it in his bag. "The same as usual: just my parents assuring me that Hestia is a wonderful girl, and that I'm lucky to be marrying her."

"Another one of those letters, huh?" Peter sympathized.

"Hogsmeade weekend coming up," Remus reminded the three boys. "What are we doing?"

"Well, we all know what I'm doing," James reached for this fifth slice of toast. "Pass the jam will you?"

L … J

The day was sunny, but deceptively cold. The students wandering about Hogsmeade were all bundled up in their winter cloaks, scarves, gloves and hats.

"How do you like working with Lily?" Hestia asked as she and James strolled down one of Hogsmeade's many winding streets.

James grinned. "She's so efficient and organized it's scary. But she does her share of the work and keeps me on my toes."

Hestia smiled and pulled her scarf more tightly around her neck. "Sounds exactly like Lily. She always was the most organized in our group. She tries to make the rest of us organized – you can guess how well that goes. In spite of this defect in her personality," Hestia joked, "she is still my best friend and one of the nicest people I know."

"She is that," James agreed whole-heartedly as the two passed Gladrags Wizarding Wear.

"I wish she would go out with someone; then we could double date," Hestia said, almost to herself. "Maybe Sirius…he seems to have taken more than a passing interest in her."

James stumbled on a slippery patch of ice and ended up on his backside in the snow. Feeling his face and neck grow rather warm, despite the cold, he hastily scrambled back on his feet.

L … J

Lily was walking alone down one of the many side streets of Hogsmeade on a quest for Christmas gifts for her friends, when a pair of muscular arms circled her waist and lifted her clear off the ground.

Lily screamed and kicked wildly, trying to get away from whoever held her. Swinging her arm back with all of her might, her balled fist met someone's face. With a grunt of pain, her captor released her, and she fell to the ground.

"Bloody hell, Lily!"

Lily picked herself up and turned quickly around, pulling her wand out of her pocket. A young man with black hair knelt in the snow, clutching his right eye.

"Sirius Black! I ought to hex you into the next street!" she seethed, teeth clenched, pointing her wand at his face in a threatening manner.

"I was just joking around with you," Sirius explained sheepishly. As he rose to his feet and approached Lily, he was startled to her see that she was shaking.

"Lily? Are you okay?" He gently laid a hand on her arm.

"I'm fine," Lily explained. "I was just so scared for a moment. It could have been anyone…"

A door was flung open and a tall, spindly wizard came running out of a shop on their right, his wand at the ready.

"Are ye awroight there, miss? Is that lad botherin' ye?"

Lily had half a mind to tell the man that yes, Sirius was bothering her, and to feel free to take defensive action, but refrained from saying such.

"No, no, I'm fine. I just saw a spider."

"A spider?" The man let his wand drop to his side.

"Yes," Lily nodded. "You see, I'm terribly afraid of them. But he," she pointed at Sirius, "saved me from it."

The man shrugged his bony shoulders, and giving Sirius one last apprehensive look, returned to his shop, closing the door with a loud click.

"Good of you not to turn me over to that bloke," Sirius thanked Lily, giving her an appreciative look. "So…what are you doing wandering around by yourself like this? A pretty girl like you shouldn't be walking about the village alone."

"I'm doing Christmas shopping," Lily replied suspiciously. "Why?"

Sirius grinned in the charming manner he had that attracted so many girls, but did nothing for her. "Mind if I tag along with you? I need to do my shopping too, and I can't do it when I'm with my friends, now can I?"

"No, I guess not," Lily consented, although she rather wished he would leave her alone. He'd shown a romantic interest in her lately, and at the moment she felt that she could do without him following her around. "But you scare me again, and I'll be forced to hurt you."

"You couldn't hurt a fly, Lily," Sirius laughed, his smoky grey eyes crinkling at the corners.

Lily reached up and touched the area directly below Sirius's eye, which was already turning black and blue.

Sirius winced at the light pressure to his injury. "I'll behave."

L … J

"Mind if we stop into the quidditch shop for a moment?" James asked, gesturing to the shop, where a group of students were standing in front of the store window, staring at the latest broom model.

"Fine by me," Hestia consented, and the pair made their way towards the building.

As soon as they entered the shop, James' gaze was drawn to two people standing in front of a display of broom polish. As James watched, Sirius moved closer to Lily and set his hand on her shoulder. Leaning closer to her, he said something in her ear. Never before had James felt such an urge to haul off and punch his best friend in the face.

To his extreme surprise, when Sirius turned around, James found that his friend's eye was already a bit puffy and bruised looking.

"Prongs!" Sirius greeted his friend, slapping him affectionately on the back.

"What happened to you?" James asked, pointing to Sirius's right eye.

"That would be my fault," Lily admitted as she joined her friends.

Hestia and James stared at the small redhead in disbelief, both unable to comprehend the fact that Lily would hurt anyone, let alone one of her friends.

Lily saw the disbelief in their eyes and laughed. "Believe me, he had it coming."

James stared long and hard at Lily. "You punched him in the eye?"

"It's a long story. Let's go over to Three Broomsticks and discuss it over a nice, warm butterbeer," Sirius suggested, already making his way to the door.

L … J

The morning post arrived halfway through breakfast and Hestia's owl, Mercury, dropped a letter on her plate. Picking the letter up, Hestia flipped it over and broke the wax seal with her fingernail.

Reading the letter, her face broke into a wide smile, which was a rare occasion when the letter was from her mother.

"Lily!"

"Hmm?" Lily responded, looking up from the textbook she had been reading.

"Mother says that you can come for a few days during holiday after Christmas. You can come three days before the term resumes, and then we'll take you to King's Cross."

"That's great," Lily replied. "But I'll have to owl mum and dad and ask them first. When does your mum need answer?"

"Um…" Hestia scanned the letter. "She doesn't say. But I'd say at least a week before break."

"All right," Lily agreed with enthusiasm. "I'll send mum a letter tonight."

L … J

"James Potter in possession of the quaffle, he passes to Spencer, who passes to Thompson…Thompson scores! Gryffindor leading Hufflepuff 130 to 60!"

Lily cheered as James flew by and waved at their group. Our house colors really do look very nice on him… Lily found herself thinking the same thoughts she had during the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin match.

"Hufflepuff beater Finch aims a bludger at Potter, but Potter dodges it –a superb piece of flying from Potter there – Spencer steals the quaffle and passes to Potter who scores! 140 to 60!"

L … J

"You played a good game today."

James glanced at Lily as they patrolled the halls. "Thanks," he felt his stomach perform an uncomfortable flip fop at her praise.

Lily stopped and listened. "I thought I heard something. I'll go check it out real quick – be right back."

Making her way down the dark hallway, Lily held her wand aloft. Turning to the right at the end of the corridor, she came face to face with a sixth year Slytherin by the name of Joshua Ricketts.

"What are you doing out of bed, Ricketts?" Lily asked, trying to sound intimidating.

"What do you care, Evans? It's none of your business what I'm doing."

Lily raised her chin in defiance. "I'm the Head Girl – it is my business why you're out of bed."

"You may be Head Girl, but you're still a mudblood, and you can't tell me what to do, Evans. Why don't you just go back and live with your muggle parents where you belong?"

"She belongs here."

From out of the darkness came James. His eyes were bright and blazing with anger. His wand was tightly clutched in his right hand.

"You're such a mudblood lover Potter," Ricketts sneered, his hand drifting toward his side, where his wand was undoubtedly located in a pocket.

James raised his wand and pointed it right between the Slytherin's eyes. "Don't you ever call Lily that again or you'll answer to me. Ten points from Slytherin for being out of bed after curfew. Now get back to your common room where you belong, or it'll be ten more."

Ricketts gave Lily one more glare, then turned on his heel and strode away into the darkness.

"Come on, Lily," James took her hand and led her away.

Lily looked up into James' soft hazel eyes and felt her heart skip a beat. "Thank you, James."

"Don't mention it," James smiled, giving her hand a squeeze. "You're worth twenty of him, and don't you ever forget it."

Lily smiled and knew that James meant every word that he said, and that what he said was true.

L … J

"So…what's going on with you and Sirius?" Hestia asked Lily as the two girls searched the library for books on the Goblin Wars of 1586.

"Nothing," Lily replied truthfully, reading the spine of a book that looked like it was covered in mold.

"What do you mean nothing?" Hestia demanded. "Something has to be going on. Everyone notices the way he looks at you."

Lily sighed and turned to face Hestia. "Whatever feelings Sirius may have for me, I don't return them."

"Are you sure about that?" Hestia asked lightly. "I mean, he is quite good looking, and he's brilliant of course…"

"Yes, I'm sure!" Lily loudly replied, causing several people to look her way with curious expressions. "I do not fancy Sirius Black in the least," she continued at a softer volume. "I just…when I think of someone who could spark a romantic interest in me…it isn't him."

"Well then you better let him know you're not interested, because right now he thinks you are. Or could be, at the very least."

"I know," Lily covered her face with her hands, thinking of someone she could have more than platonic feelings for. When Lily thought of a guy she could have feelings for, she thought of someone who would let her cry on his shoulder, who would always find a spare moment to spend with her, someone whose smile could brighten her day…

She thought of James.

Review Responses

Queen Of Day Dreams: Well, I think after this chapter your questions about James liking Lily and Lily liking James are answered! Although Lily really wasn't in denial last chapter, se just hadn't realized her feelings yet.

All About Eve: At this point, I really don't know how long this story is going to be. I'm sure it won't be more than fifteen chapters though. Maybe ten? Thanks for the review!

Abarraine: Thanks, I will!

Boo Bear the Small: I promise that Sirius won't be hurt too badly. His interest in Lily doesn't run as deeply as James' does; it's more of a passing interest. So he may be a bit bummed for a bit, but he's not going to pine after her or anything.

rubic-cube: Well, by now you know that Lily is not going to go out with Sirius, so that should make you happy:-) I don't like them together either. Sirius liking Lily was just a plot device to help James to realize how he felt about Lily.

rainbowishprincess: Thanks! That was such a nice review! I'm glad that you think the characters are still "in character" even in an AU story! I am trying!

sumrandomperson: I agree with you about parts of "In This Journal" not being very good. I really look back on it and I don't like it very much anymore. I like "This is Not a Journal" much, much better. But I think that is my best work. I've put a lot of effort into it. Thanks and please keep reading!

sugur-huny-bun: Thanks!

Cilverblood: Don't worry; Sirius and Lily are not going to go out. It would ruin it for me too! I don't like Lily/Sirius pairing much either. Sirius having a thing for Lily is just for plot purposes; it's not going anywhere.