And That's What it's All About

Title: And That's What it's All About

Chapter: From the Beginning

Summary: Part of Buffy's past is revealed as her true role in the Living Force… and she thought being a Slayer was bad…

Disclaimer: I own neither genre. Joss Whedon owns Buffy the Vampire Slayer. George Lucas owns the Star Wars franchise. I'm just a poor post-college graduate.

Spoilers: There are minor spoilers from both stories, especially Star Wars. This chapter includes some tidbits and quotes from a few Buffy episodes.

Notes: I honestly didn't mean to wait this long before posting. Had I actually had a chapter that was done, I would have moved it along. I'm feeling quite better now (yay!) but work has decided to kick me in the rear, literally. Combining that with the stress my family is under for my dear brother-in-law departing for Iraq within a few days, well… let's just say that March has been quite hard on me. It took forever to write this chapter out, too… nothing seemed quite right to get this point across. Rest assured, Buffy will be entering the "living world" again and more humor will ensue. This is the only "serious" chapter I have planned.

x-o-x

From the Beginning

After walking a few paces through the familiar desert landscape, I was beginning to think that this was a Slayer-dream-like franchise. Every single odd Slayer dream that required talking to someone that wasn't one of my core friends seemed to take place in this stupid desert, unless it was on Coruscant. I would take the old city-planet any day over this boring desert. Hell, I'd take another ride in Obi-Wan's fighter than trudge on behind the tall form of Qui-Gon Jinn in the vast, endless desert.

Okay. Now this was getting ridiculous.

"How much farther is it?"

"Why didn't you ask me to stop?" he asked, not bothering to glance over his shoulder and talk to her.

"Would that have worked?"

"If you had asked politely, perhaps something could have been arranged."

This was one strange Jedi. He had Obi-Wan's calm demeanor and yet Anakin's wit and sarcasm. Yes, folks… I am in hell.

"If I ask politely now, would you tell us where we're going?"

"Only you can know that answer."

Great. More cryptic.

"So if I just walk away now…"

He stopped and half-turned back towards me. "Only you could know what would happen."

I took one step off of the well-worn path, stepping over a few dirty little cacti and moving sideways away. He just watched me curiously.

"Nothing happened," I countered.

"Precisely."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that you are none the closer for discovering your true purpose here." He sounded amused now. "If you divert now, where will you go? Would you return to a battle where your skills are not needed? Or would you walk forward and learn your true purpose as a tool of the Living Force?"

"I'm a tool now?"

"That is beside the point," he added gently. "The point is, the path is long."

"Well, I'm not getting any older," I muttered under my breath.

"Nor are we moving any closer."

"Always the wise guy," I said, squinting in his direction. "And yet never all that wise."

"My hearing is still quite good despite my age," he said smoothly, smiling slightly in my direction. "Shall we?"

I sighed, walked back towards the path, and trudged along after the old man. Though I still had dark thoughts running through my head, I didn't voice them. For all I knew, then he'd walk me in circles. I'd never notice as the desert was just that… the desert. How blah.

And yet… where else could I go?

x-o-x

Night was finally starting to fall wherever we were. I'd been walking for what seemed like hours towards an endless dusk. It seemed to be mocking me. Stupid dusk. And whenever I tried to make polite conversation with the nice Jedi, he always answered in short, vague sentences. Stupid men. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He stopped walking finally, nearly causing me to run through him. I stopped just in time, glancing beyond his broad frame. With a resigned sigh, I turned to glare up at the older Jedi. "Does every single desert in this world have that stupid fire?"

"The fire is not our concern," he said, glancing down at me. He lifted his arm and gestured to a set of caverns on the horizon. "Those are your concern. Perhaps you would care to… take a walk?"

"What do you think I've been doing all day, buddy?" I snapped, neatly stepping around him and staring at the vague caverns loitering in the distance. "And what are you going to do while I'm walking? Pray?"

"A Jedi never reveals all," he replied blandly as he settled down on a rock, neatly crossing his legs.

"Meditation," I sighed.

"You know this?" he asked, gesturing to his stoic form.

"Yeah," I said dryly. "Your former Padawan does that a lot."

"To reach out with the Force is to know one without knowing."

"That made no sense whatsoever."

"You should walk," he added, dropping his elbows to his knees. "It will be dark soon."

I just shrugged and began walking. And walked. And walked some more. As the shadows began stretching out about the land, I took comfort in knowing that whatever metaphysical desert this was, there were likely no mountain lions or other carnivorous animals just waiting for me to walk by.

And then it hit me. In the normal world, I had no form. I was selfless, shapeless, identified only by my sharp wit and tongue. I had a body here. I had my clothes, my hands and my hair.

I reached up and touched my head. I grinned. My hair felt so soft and perfect. And though I was still wearing the same clothing from my dive, they looked as though I'd just washed them that morning. They smelled as though they'd been hanging out in a spring meadow for about a month. My skin had a certain glow to it from the angle of the sun just barely visible over crimson canyons in the distance and apparently the flush of afterlife.

Oh, I could so get used to this.

No hair or clothing maintenance? No worrying about sunscreen or skin care products to take away the smudged eyes and the itchy skin? If I had a closet full of clothes and a room full of shoes, this might just be Heaven.

Almost.

I continued walking…

x-o-x

And I walked some more. This was boring now. Yes, I hated this. I hated not knowing where I was going at a time where I really didn't understand anything. Oh, I understood Yoda. Something that small and green had a wicked load of power and was not a little alien to be messed with. That made two of us.

But I don't really understand why I'm being dragged around behind Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker. I mean, for men, they were bona fide hotties. But as to what I could contribute to two Jedi who had years of experience in flying spaceships and whipping out lightsabers. I was a little jealous because they had such skills and I felt like dead weight. What could I do? What am I supposed to do?

And Qui-Gon thinks that talking to a bunch of rocks will help me? He was about as cracked as… well, Spike, in a really endearing sort of way. But knowing me, what was I going to do with a mentor? Giles was my Watcher… he taught me what I needed to know to survive as a Slayer. I needed a dead Jedi to teach me how to be a dead person? Please.

At last I reached the canyons. There was a small crack in the face of one of the walls. I took a step towards it, but then paused. Why was I so sure that this was where I needed to go? My mind was telling me that it would be okay to just walk inside.

So I did.

It was surprisingly light inside. Ducking inside the entrance, I found myself in an actual room.

"What?" I asked softly, glancing around. There were arches with some weird inscriptions on them. But the thing that captured my attention was the box conveniently placed in the center. It was on a rock of some sort. "Well, isn't this a cliché?"

I walked forward to the box, but something suddenly stopped me. Bouncing back, I reached out and my hand struck something both solid and invisible. It reached out and I felt it… some sort of amazing energy. It made the Slayer inside me tingle. Evil, maybe, I thought to myself. It definitely didn't feel right.

"Death…"

I turned around, glancing about me. For some reason, my Slayer-enhanced hearing had picked up a single whispered word. Death. Well, yeah… I was dead. Couldn't get any deader than I already am. Now this is just pathetic.

"Death…"

"… is my gift," I murmured, looking back to the center rock and pressing my hand against the energy barrier. "I already bled for one portal, so I'm really hoping I don't have to do it again. Dying sucked the first time around."

"Told to you, that was."

That was Yoda's voice, sounding somewhere far, far above my head. It was ridiculous because Yoda wasn't here; he was back on Coruscant where he belonged. And I wasn't even sure where here was. Why was I always stuck with the cryptic? It wasn't fair to always confuse the one that had to save the world.

"So… what happens now?"

"You don't know."

Tara?

I turned around and suddenly I was in a different place in a different time. I was back in my bedroom at Revello Drive. I blinked and saw Tara standing there. She was gazing down.

"I've heard this before."

She looked up and smiled. "You have… because I told you. You don't know who you are… not yet. Death won't stop that. Death can't stop that."

"I don't understand though," I said with a sigh, dropping onto the bed behind me. It felt so real. "What are you doing here?"

"She chose me to speak for her."

"You're the first Slayer, aren't you?"

Tara just smiled again. "You're not dead. None of us are truly ever dead. We pass on from one dimension to the next. Sometimes it's a heavenly dimension. And sometimes it isn't."

"I just feel like an idiot though. All I can really do is talk with little action."

"Why?"

Why? I thought about that for a moment and then it occurred to me. I was a ghost in the living realm and I couldn't touch anything much less hold any form. "Because I'm… dead?"

"Death won't stop you," Tara replied, walking to my side and sitting down next to me. "Death can't stop you."

"Would you please just tell me what the heck that means, I'd really appreciate it." So I'm grumpy. I've just had far too much cryptic today and it doesn't make a Slayer happy.

"You already know the answer if you search inside yourself."

"Let's pretend I don't," I muttered.

She just gave me another smile and rose. "You think you know what's to come, but you have only begun. This journey is long but you are able. There is much to learn, so much to do before you sleep."

"Before I sleep," I began slowly, "by that you mean put my head down and show up in Heaven, right?"

"Yes."

"Glad we cleared that one up," I replied sarcastically. "I don't get what the other part means."

"I cannot tell you. Only you can know the way."

"And that's just totally useless to me," I griped, jumping up and spinning around to face her. Only I was suddenly facing the energy barrier and the rock with that stupid box on top of it. Sighing, I smacked my hand into the barrier, hearing the familiar hiss as it rejected my attempt to pass through.

Death is my gift… yes, I saved the world by dying. Now suddenly death can't stop me… from doing what? And what do I have to learn about being a Slayer that I haven't learned yet? Instead of feeling I had the answers, now I had so many more questions that my head was spinning. I closed my eyes for a moment; it just seemed like the right thing to do.

Or maybe it was just me.

"You're not wrong."

I opened my eyes and saw my sister standing in the cave in front of me. "Dawn," I whispered.

"You weren't wrong," she said, taking a few steps closer towards me. "The thing is, you saved the world when you died. But now… you can't save them all."

"I couldn't even if I wanted to," I snapped. "I don't exactly have a body to do damage."

"No," she replied. "You have a soul."

Those words made me blink a few seconds before I tried to regroup. "What could I possibly do with my soul?"

"What any other soul would do," Dawn said, very seriously. "You find a body to go along with it."

The thought of being stuffed into someone's body, especially someone like Angel, was terrifying. But before I could ask her what she meant by that, she walked until she was standing straight in front of me. "You have the power… they will show you the way."

"The Jedi?"

"Yes," she said in a soft voice. "You are a part of something larger than you ever dreamed possible. From the beginning, this was your fate. Death would come swiftly, but not before you were able to do what was necessary. You have done this."

"Obviously because I'm dead." Now I'm getting cranky again… great.

"But now…" And here she positively beamed. "Now this is just the beginning."

"The beginning of what?"

"Of the end."

I spun around to see another figure standing behind me. "What do you mean?" I asked anxiously. "Why is this the beginning?"

"Have you been a Jedi before?"

"Well, no…"

"Have you died before?"

"Once before this," I replied, glaring at the figure in front of me. "And you know when I died the first time… you brought me back."

The figure of Xander Harris stepped into the light, shrugging. "Personally, I don't really get this whole life after death thing. I find it completely psychotic how someone can choose their destiny before they die and suddenly they're on the ropes and…" He drew his finger across his throat with a rather humorous look on his face. "But the thing is… what I do get… I hear things. I see things. And you are someone that gets noticed a lot. You don't see it because you're always doing the right thing. Well, this wasn't the right place to be, but it was the smartest. They chose you. They saw something in you that made them think 'hey, this girl know what she's going'. It obviously cost them a lot to drag your soul here, even after that portal all but obliterated it."

"I don't care if they chose me," I replied. "I don't even want to be here. I have no place here… I can't even do anything!"

"But you can, don't you see?" my former Watcher, Rupert Giles, said, coming up behind me. "Can't you see that even as a soul you have the power to do great things?"

"This sounds like one of your stupid books," I sneered. I was tired of this now. My friends had no right to show up here and start demanding things and telling me cryptic bull that I wouldn't get even if I was still alive and still the real Buffy Summers.

"It's your heart, lover."

My stomach dropped as I spied a pair of shiny black shoes on the ground directly in front of me. "Oh, no," I breathed. "Not you, too."

"You have a soul… but the heart, that counts for something. I've seen it, pure and true. I've seen it bleed. I've seen it in such agony that I felt as though you were going to die."

"This doesn't make sense," I muttered, refusing to look up.

"You're not looking hard enough." Dawn again.

"If you could see what I see, you'd see that even as a soul you have great power." Xander.

"You don't have a body, but you have your mind."

"Is it adding up yet?" This was Willow. I could feel her presence next to me.

And then it suddenly added up. There was a spell done a little over a year ago to destroy Adam, using Giles' brains, Xander's heart, Willow's witchy powers and my… well, for lack of a better word, body.

"What does it mean?"

"It means that without your body, you are stronger."

This was Obi-Wan now. He was fighting for his life in the minefield and yet he was there, standing between Xander and Willow with that slightly smug smile on his face and his arms were crossed.

"It's time to let go. Let go…" Tara was back, disguised as the First Slayer.

"Let go of what?"

"You have to let go of the past," Giles said gently, stepping closer to me. "You have your strength – it is in your heart and your soul and your mind. Only your body brought it together once. You have everything you need, if only you realize that—"

"Only if I realize that I will never be corporeal again," I whispered.

The others nodded and seemed to fade a bit as I began to pace.

"You were never stupid," Giles continued in that gentle tone. "You were always smarter than you played at. You have an extraordinarily tough heart. You were never one to let others walk over you. You liked your space."

"But… the bond…" I protested. "I can't get more than a hundred feet away from Obi-Wan or else I get dragged backwards." I forced myself to glare at Obi-Wan pointedly. He just resumed looking smug and prissy-like.

"We can go around that," Willow said, stepping forward. "We'll find a way. We always do."

"It'll be like old times," Xander grinned.

"But you're not here," I said, feeling an extraordinary amount of sadness all of a sudden.

"We have never left you," Dawn said. "Buffy, we're inside you. You can hear our voices. That's where we are right now."

I turned away from all of them, rubbing my tired eyes and the back of my neck. "What do I do?"

"These answers, seek not. Your questions, ask not."

"Yoda." I closed my eyes again. "If I don't ask… how will I ever know?"

"You have to believe in yourself, pet. We always believed in you."

"Spike…" I murmured. This was almost too much; it was a reunion from Hell, literally.

"This isn't about knowing what to do or what not to do," he said, setting his very realistic hand on my shoulder. "This is about feeling your gut instinct and going with it. It's about knowing you're right and in that moment doing the right thing. If you think its right, it probably is. Your gut rarely let you down before."

I nodded slightly; this made sense. Good old Spike, always saying the thing that didn't make me feel like an idiot just because the others could talk way smarter than me.

"So you have a heart. That's always good, it means you're still capable of feeling things. A soul is always handy so you don't go all twisting evil and try to kill the Jedi you work with. Having brains isn't something you ever lacked. And without a body, you can still do the things a ghost can do."

"What are you…" And then it clicked, just as Giles said it.

"There is an extraordinary amount of research out now about possession and the dangers it causes."

"I can possess things?"

"You haven't tried it yet?" Giles asked, slightly hurt.

"I never even though about it," I replied, stunned.

"It may not have been the answer you were looking for, but it's a start," Willow said firmly.

"You will find your fire again," Giles said. "You just have to find a different way."

"And you will," Xander smiled. "You always have."

"Every Slayer knows her weapon," Tara shrugged. "You will find that weapon. You use whatever you need. You always have."

"Thank you," I muttered sarcastically, feeling more bewildered. The others seemed to fade except one. Dawn stood beside me as I placed my hand at the barrier. I felt my hand press through the barrier and stepped into the inner circle. Looking behind me, I found the cavern empty.

The box was straight ahead now. Walking forward, I got down on my knees, released the clasp and pushed the lid open.

x-o-x

Qui-Gon was still meditating when I returned. The stars seemed to have exploded overhead, casting a silver glow to the desert around us. Instead of being annoyed about the desert, I felt only a spirited sort of awe.

Although I was still feeling resentful towards my internal pep-talk, getting that all out in the open had done me some good, I realized. Though I didn't know the truth, I felt better. I felt renewed, even… alive perhaps.

"You have found what you were looking for?" he asked without opening his eyes.

"I found something," I agreed, sitting on the rock behind him. "It's just that… I still don't understand."

"In time, you will," he replied. "You have just taken the first step toward becoming something greater than you ever were as a Slayer."

"Even without shape or self, I can make a difference," I realized, shaking my head. "And here I thought I was just dead weight."

He turned and looked at me. In the deepening twilight, I saw his eyes twinkle. "What will you do now?"

In the distance, I heard the distinct rustle of the wind. With a gentle smile, I closed my eyes. My mind was telling me to get back to the fight. I could do some good there. Not to mention they'd need some comic relief right about now and I could insult with the best of them. Opening my eyes, I saw the pleased look on Qui-Gon's face as I rose steadily.

"You are ready."

"I think so," I said, shrugging. "I'm not really sure what to make of things."

"Did you really understand being a Slayer at the beginning?"

"Well," I said, thinking back to how freaked out I was about the whole Slaying thing. "No…"

"Well, then," he said, wearing a semi-victorious smile. "What are you waiting for?"

"An apocalypse?"

"You might just get your wish," he said, his face falling slightly.

"I suppose I wouldn't get a straight answer if I asked why."

"You would be right in that assumption."

"Call it a lucky guess," I replied. Looking out at the night, I felt a renewed sense of wanting to be anywhere but here.

"Go."

I turned back to see Qui-Gon looking at me. "What?"

"You should go. You long to be back out there hanging onto the end of that star fighter; I won't argue."

"Well… I guess so…" I glanced at the vast desert behind me. The thought of trudging that immeasurable expanse again wasn't very appealing.

Yet, I thought, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. And I, for one, am glad I'm a girl.

x-o-x

I think this is the end of the most serious side of things for awhile. Buffy's role is somewhat revealed, but the ultimate test is still coming… and now she returns to the battle knowing almost nothing new.