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The Bodyguard
Chapter 31: Muggle-baiting
"My mother was in love with Severus Snape!" Harry said, sitting bolt upright in bed.
"Could Snape be your real father?" asked Draco, sitting up next to him.
Harry choked. "No! How can you say that? James Potter is my real dad. At least, I thought he was ... no, he MUST be! Everybody keeps telling me how I'm the spitting image of him." Harry took a deep breath. "My father and Snape HATED each other. They were in the same year together at Hogwarts, and they were school rivals, just like you and me."
He felt Draco's eyes trail up and down his naked body, reminding him of what they'd just been doing. "Exactly like you and me?" teased Draco, his eyes bright.
Harry spluttered. "No, nothing like us, come to think of it. My father and Snape were definitely not shagging!" It took him a moment to regain his composure. "And Lily Evans must be my real mother because I've got her eyes."
"Mmm, beautiful eyes," said Draco dreamily. He added, in a more normal voice, "This explains why Snape hated you on sight, Harry. I saw the way he looked at you, in that first Potions lesson. You're the spitting image of his school enemy and his ex-girlfriend." He stared and a line appeared between his eyebrows. "I wonder why Snape and Evans broke up?"
"Probably because he called her a Mudblood," said Harry angrily. But vague memories of a ghostly Bertha Jorkins rising out of a Pensieve surfaced in his mind. "I know Snape was seen kissing a girl called Florence, by another girl called Bertha Jorkins, who was a terrible gossip," he said. "Snape hexed Bertha, so she must have told everyone. Dumbledore showed me all that in his Pensieve."
"When did Snape called your mother a Mudblood?" asked Draco.
"At Hogwarts, some time," said Harry. He didn't want to go into detail about Snape's worst memory.
"A strange thing to call your girlfriend," said Draco. "They must have broken up by then."
"Must have," said Harry distractedly, because he was thinking hard about his mother. He knew almost nothing about her. What had she been like, if she'd been able to love Severus Snape?
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He was still thinking about her, when the quartet Apparated, under Harry's invisibility cloak, outside the Dursleys.
"You have far too many friends, Harry," muttered Draco. The four of them made their way towards the front door, but they were forced to crouch and crawl, in order to fit under the cloak. With a wicked grin, Draco pretended to push Ron outside the cloak. Ron grinned and pretended to push back. Hermione gave an irritated sniff.
"Settle down," whispered Harry. He looked around for Muggle observers. The deserted, suburban Muggle street was lined with dull and regimented houses, and Harry's old home was the most average-looking house of the lot. He could only guess how much of an effort his aunt and uncle had put into making their house look as normal as possible.
Uncle Vernon's new company car, a showy, convertible red sports car, that broadcast that its owner had a very small penis, was parked in the driveway. They crawled past it. Uncle Vernon must be having his midlife crisis, thought Harry bitterly. Or he's got more money, now that he no longer has to pay for cold, tinned soup for me.
"So this is where your Muggle relatives live?" asked Draco, glancing at the house and car with a faint sneer. "I'd love to get revenge, for what they did to you."
"So would I," said Ron.
"I would too, but Muggle-baiting is a crime," warned Hermione.
"Only if you get caught," smirked Draco. "I won't tell if you don't."
Hermione looked annoyed.
"Besides, what they did to Harry is a far worse crime," said Ron. His shoe slipped out from under the cloak as he spoke.
A small, fluffy white dog, which had been sniffing along the fence, caught sight of the disembodied shoe, and ran off yelping.
"We've got to get inside," said Hermione, staring distractedly after the dog. "If we're seen by Muggles, the Ministry will be furious."
"Let's get this over quickly, then," said Ron and started to straighten up, but Harry stopped him.
"Wait! Put your Occlumency on first. We need to practice before we see Snape. And Draco, take your cloak off. Your clothes will pass as a Muggle business suit without it."
Draco struggled out of his cloak, and rolled it up. Glancing around, to make sure no one was looking, he thrust it under the pruned privet hedge.
"Now," said Harry.
The four of them straightened and marched towards the Dursleys' front door. Harry knocked, and put his invisibility cloak into his pocket. He could hear heavy footsteps approaching the door on the inside and further off, in the kitchen, the unpleasantly familiar sound of his aunt and uncle chatting.
The door opened, and a massive, thick-necked, blond teenage boy filled the doorway. He looked every inch a bully. But despite his intimidating bulk, he cringed, when he saw who his visitors were.
"Hullo, Dudley," said Harry.
Dudley's stupid, blue eyes focused on Harry, Hermione and Ron, and he took a step backwards as though he were about to slam the door in their faces.
But Draco quickly wedged his foot in the door. "Good afternoon," said he coldly. "You're Dudley Dursley, I presume? I'd like to ask your mother a few questions." He was the only one of the group apparently wearing Muggle clothes, and he exuded an air of icy authority.
Dudley blinked at the Slytherin, and looked nervous. "Hullo," he said thickly. "You look like a cop! Are you going to show me your badge, like those cops on American TV shows?"
Harry didn't need Legilimency to know Dudley was thinking about the kids he'd beaten up lately and wondering if he were going to be arrested. It amused no end Harry greatly to see his big, brutish cousin squirm, and the thought of making his life more uncomfortable was too tempting for words. Diving in, before Draco could give the game away, Harry sneered, "Of course he can't show you his badge! How stupid are you, Dudley? British policemen don't have badges. Do they Detective Longbottom?" he asked, staring hard at Draco, then Ron and Hermione, and telling them, through his eyes, to play along.
In return, Harry sensed a powerful sense of disapproval from Hermione, and mental cheers from both Draco and Ron.
"I knew that! Just testing," said Dudley sulkily.
"Please excuse my prisoner, Mr Dursley. He won't speak out of turn again, if he knows what's good for him," said Draco, narrowing his eyes at Harry.
"Prisoner?" Dudley was suddenly jubilant. "You've arrested these three?"
Prisoner? Harry asked Draco silently. He received a mental smirk in reply.
"Yes, prisoner," said Draco impatiently. "Now, are you going to let me in, so I can speak to your mother? I don't have all day."
"Okay, Mum and Dad are in the kitchen." Eagerly, Dudley ushered them inside. He lumbered ahead of them as they walked down the corridor, and he didn't see Harry indicate the Cupboard Below The Stairs with his eyes, to his friends, nor did he see Ron's face twitch, momentarily, into an expression of rage.
Dudley burst into the kitchen, with the quartet close behind. "Mum!" he bellowed. "Detective Longbottom is here to speak to you. He's arrested Potter and his friends!"
The kitchen was as spotless as ever; Harry wondered if the Dursleys had gotten themselves a new slave, since he had left.
Aunt Petunia looked up with a horse-faced expression of curiosity, at her son's news.
Uncle Vernon put down his cup of tea, and his thick moustache dripped on his shirt. "So the police are rounding up the magical freaks? At long last, all those taxes I pay are being put to good use," he said, taking in the sight of the apparently business-suited Draco, standing tall, with Harry and Ron apparently cringing behind. Hermione had her arms folded, but the disapproval on her face might have been shame. Uncle Vernon's moustache bristled and he thrust out a meaty hand in Draco's direction. "I'm Vernon Dursley," he said. "And this is my wife, Petunia. You've met my son Dudley."
Draco shook his hand, with an unreadable expression. "Charmed..."
The Slytherin's upper class accent had an electrifying effect on Harry's relatives. Uncle Vernon's eyes widened as he shook Draco's hand, and an ugly, ingratiating grin spread over his face. Aunt Petunia stood up straight, making herself look bonier than ever.
It was then that Harry remembered that the Dursleys were permanently upwardly mobile. They had money now, thanks to the success of his uncle's drill company, but they longed to enter the upper echelons of society and were forever looking for the person who would be so kind as to introduce them. The light in their piggy eyes, as they took in Draco's chiselled features, commanding air and expensively cut clothes, made it clear they thought he could be that person.
"Would you like a cup of tea, Detective Longbottom?" asked Uncle Vernon, suddenly hearty. "Or perhaps some brandy? Of course, I won't tell your superiors you're drinking on duty." He gave Draco an obnoxious, obsequious wink.
"I wouldn't mind some brandy," said Ron. He was examining at the refrigerator, and didn't see the look of intense dislike the Dursleys threw at him. They clearly remembered the time the Weasleys had visited, and Dudley's tongue had ended up four foot long. "This is a re-fridge-er-ray-tor, isn't it?" asked Ron, glancing at the Dursleys. He tugged at the refrigerator door, and made its restaurant menus, stuck on with flower-shaped magnets, flap. "Wizards don't use re-fridge-er-ray-tors. They just stop time around food so it stays fresh." Ron turned around, and started reading the menus with interest.
Uncle Vernon looked at Draco, nodded at Ron's back and made gestures indicating insanity. They're all mad, he mouthed silently.
"I'm not thirsty, thank you," said Draco coldly, as if Ron and Uncle Vernon hadn't spoken.
"I must say, you sound very well bred, Detective Longbottom," simpered Aunt Petunia. "Know a few lords do you?"
"I used to serve a Lord," said Draco, and Harry wondered why his relatives didn't immediately freeze solid at the coldness in the Slytherin's voice.
But Uncle Vernon wasn't the most empathetic or observant man. "Wonderful, do you think you could introduce us?" he asked eagerly.
"I could, but I doubt you'd find the experience particularly enjoyable, or even of long duration," said Draco. His voice, if anything, was colder, but Uncle Vernon rubbed his hands together with anticipation.
"Thank you very much! I'm looking forward to it!"
"So am I," Harry piped up, imagining the looks on the Dursleys' faces if they met Lord Voldemort.
Draco gave Harry a quelling look and turned back to the Dursleys. "Pardon me if I don't introduce you to my ex-employer right away, but I need to know anything you can tell me about Severus Snape."
"That horrible boy?" asked Aunt Petunia.
Everyone looked at her.
Horrible boy? Harry wondered. He'd heard his aunt talking about overhearing her sister speaking with a horrible boy, but he'd always assume that boy was his father.
"He wouldn't be a horrible boy now. Horrible man, more likely," Aunt Petunia continued. "Oh, he was ghastly! Weird, soft voice, and a horrible, greasy mullet haircut! Lily, my sister, HIS mother," she gestured in Harry's direction. "She told me Snape washed his hair all the time and it only looked greasy because of magic. Then, if you please, Lily went and married a man whose hair stuck up all the time because of magic, and her son has exactly the same deformity." She glared at Harry.
"Magic people are thoroughly revolting! It's a good thing they're finally getting rounded up," said Uncle Vernon. He was picking his nose.
"I must say, your hair looks lovely slicked back like that, Detective Longbottom. What styling products are you using? I'll buy some for my Dudley," simpered Aunt Petunia.
Behind his Occlumency mask, Harry stifled a grin. The styling product Draco was using was a Grooming Charm.
"Can I please steer the conversation away from my hair and back to Severus Snape?" asked Draco, with an irritated sneer.
"Oh yes," said Aunt Petunia guiltily. "Lily was in Snape's year at Hogwarts." Contempt filled her voice. "That awful wizarding school, you know. I hope you'll be shutting it down. Snape and Lily were best friends in First and Second Year. He used to come over and visit Lily during the holidays. It was awful how they showed off to my parents. Turning teacups into rats!" Harry could hear the jealousy in his Aunt Petunia's voice. "Then they started dating in Third Year, and they'd been dating two years, when Lily found out Snape was cheating on her."
"It's shameful how that lot carry on," said Uncle Vernon and his wife nodded smugly.
"Cheating?" asked Draco.
"Yes. Some stupid, gossipy Hufflepuff, called Bertha Jorkins, saw Snape and Florence Avery kissing behind the greenhouses," said Aunt Petunia dramatically. "You'd think an ugly boy like Snape would have stayed faithful, but no!"
"Avery..." Draco said the name, as if something made sense. "So Lily broke up with Snape?"
"She dropped him like a hot potato! That Potter boy kept pestering her to go out with him, but she was heartbroken and she turned him down. Then, I heard she gave up on Snape completely. She found the Potter boy torturing him, probably jealous that Lily would date Snape but not him! Lily tried to stop it, but instead of thanking her, Snape called her a name! He was getting very deeply into the Dark Arts at that time. Hard to believe, isn't it, that some kinds of magic can be worse than others? All forms of magic are bad enough!" said Aunt Petunia, with a delicious shiver.
Draco managed a credible expression of surprise.
"My sister never had anything to do with Snape again. She started dating Potter a year or so later. Then she married him and had that boy." Aunt Petunia gestured again at Harry.
"I see," said Draco. "Have you seen Severus Snape since Lily and he broke up?"
"I have!" said Aunt Petunia. "The cheek of the man! He actually came to my house, asking for Lily, a few years after they'd finished school. Lily was out on a date with James Potter. I tried to send Snape on his way, but he pushed his way in. He was babbling that he'd been fooled into cheating on Lily and tricked into joining the Death Eaters. That's the organization that killed the Potters, you know. Very low class! All the members have a tattoo of a snake going through a skull's mouth on their left arm. Snape showed me his and it was hideous! The sort of tattoo a truck driver would have." She simpered at Draco again. "The sort of thing a fine and upstanding young man like yourself would never have!"
Draco stared at her.
"I told Snape I'd tell Lily he visited. But I didn't quite get around to it," said Aunt Petunia primly. "I didn't want to encourage him."
"Quite right," said Uncle Vernon. "We wouldn't want someone with tattoos in the family."
Harry got a weird feeling in his stomach, as he wondered what would have happened if Aunt Petunia had told his mother that Snape wanted to get back with her. Would he be standing here now, with a permanent, greasy mullet, instead of sticking up short hair?
"So what are you going to do with the magic people you've caught, Detective Longbottom?" asked Dudley, sneering at Harry, Ron and Hermione.
"They'll have to hang them," said Uncle Vernon brutally. "Goodness knows locking them up and punishing them doesn't work. We tried it with that one," he indicated Harry. "Locked him in the Cupboard Under The Stairs, but it didn't stop his abnormality." He snorted and shrugged.
"Show me this cupboard," said Draco smoothly.
"Of course," said Aunt Petunia. She stepped out into the corridor and opened the cupboard door. "We keep it exactly the same, in case Potter is forced to move in with us again."
Everyone stepped forward and craned their necks to look. The pathetic, tiny, dusty bed Harry had slept on, was still in the cupboard. Harry had spent most of his childhood in there - a little boy with big, green eyes, unloved and uncherished, parents dead, hungry, crying and alone, with a great cut across his forehead...
Draco's Occlumency-induced expression was bland, but he was playing strangely with his left sleeve, as they all walked back into the kitchen.
Ron's Occlumency wasn't sufficient to conceal his current state of emotion.
"What's wrong with you?" Uncle Vernon asked Ron suspiciously.
Making an effort with his Occlumency, Ron managed to look merely sulky, instead of ready to throttle the Dursleys with his bare hands. "Nothing. But I could really fancy a pissa," he announced.
The word seemed to drop through the Dursleys' composure, like a brick through a glass coffee table.
Uncle Vernon licked his lips, as if they'd gone dry. "Upstairs, first door to the left," he said.
"No! He shouldn't leave Detective Longbottom's sight," said Aunt Petunia. "It might be a cunning escape plan! He might shimmy down the drain pipe!"
"We don't have a drain pipe, there, Petunia, dear."
"He might fly away! He's a freak, I tell you."
"What is upstairs, first door to the left?" asked Hermione.
"The toilet, of course!"
"But I don't want a pissa in the toilet. I want to have one right here!" cried Ron.
The entire Dursley family was mortified.
"Don't you dare! This is my kitchen! I've just cleaned it!" exclaimed Aunt Petunia.
Ron looked both alarmed and puzzled at their reactions. "I could always have a pissa in your lounge room, if that's okay," he suggested meekly.
"Not in my lounge room, either!" wailed Aunt Petunia despairingly.
"I don't understand," said Ron. "I thought Muggles had pissas everywhere!"
"We do NOT pissa everywhere!" bellowed Dudley.
This is a real test of my Occlumency, thought Harry. I should be rolling on the ground laughing, but I'm not.
"Aren't wizards disgusting?" said Aunt Petunia to Draco.
But Draco had had enough of the pretence. "What's wrong with Ron having a pissa in the kitchen?" he snapped. "Muggles do it all the time! I read about it in a Muggle newspaper!"
Harry's aunt and uncle went pale.
"You don't sound like a detective!" growled Uncle Vernon. "You said Muggle!"
"You're one of THEM," said Dudley.
"Oh no," said Draco lazily. "I'm far worse." He yanked out his wand and pulled his sleeve down, revealing the burning red skull and snake on his left forearm.
The Dursleys gasped, and took a step backward. Aunt Petunia squeaked in terror, pushed her big son behind her and grabbed the arm of her husband. "That's a Dark Mark! Longbottom is a Death Eater," she cried. "They've come for us, Vernon!"
"Now I'm going to have a pissa in the kitchen with Ron, and a big bunch of Muggles like you aren't going to stop me," said Draco, in a low, threatening voice.
Uncle Vernon looked at the knife rack, but he saw Draco's wand twitch, and he froze, with what he apparently hoped was an ingratiating smile. "No need to be hasty!" Uncle Vernon said, his voice high-pitched with fright.
Dudley looked desperately in Harry's direction, as if asking to be rescued. "Don't look at Harry to save you. He's under my control!" shouted Draco. "I've magically enslaved all of them!"
Ron's face twitched under his Occlumency mask.
"Yes, Master Longbottom," said Harry. He was enjoying himself immensely.
The Dursleys were shaking in their shoes.
Draco eyed them coldly. "There's plenty I could do to you, but you're not worth it," he said. He flicked his wand at the door. "Get out! I want all three of you out of my sight, while Ron and I have pissas! All over your house!" He laughed maliciously.
"Not in my room-!" began Dudley, but his mother elbowed him where his ribs would have been visible, if they weren't buried in muscle and fat.
"Of course! Thank you! We're just leaving. Vernon, the car keys," said Aunt Petunia.
In a tight group, the Dursleys walked very slowly and carefully towards the front door, facing backwards so they could keep their eyes on Draco's raised wand. They slipped out the door, and the moment it shut, they could be heard sprinting to their car.
The quartet raced to the window. The red sports car was reversing, with screaming tyres, down the driveway. Dudley had been too slow getting in, and was half hanging over the side, kicking his thick legs in the air. With all of the Dursleys shouting and screaming, Uncle Vernon driving like a maniac, and Aunt Petunia trying to drag her son inside, the car tore off down the road and out of sight.
Door opened all down the street, and curious faces poked out. The Dursleys' reputation, as the most normal family on the street, had just been blown to smithereens.
"Technically, Draco, that was Muggle-baiting," said Hermione severely, turning away from the window. She glanced at the Cupboard Under The Stairs. "But I won't tell if you don't," she added, with a wink.
Ron stared at her. "Who are you and what have you done with Hermione?" he asked, deadpan.
"We should leave," said Hermione, ignoring Ron. "The Dursleys will call the Muggle police any second."
"No, they won't," said Harry scathingly. "They wouldn't want to risk anyone finding out about me. What they'll do is go to a hotel, and come back in the morning, hoping we'll be gone."
"Good," said Draco, with satisfaction. "We've gotten rid of them. Now let's all have a pissa."
Harry burst out laughing. "It was a great joke, but you and Ron can stop now. The Dursleys have gone."
"Don't you start, Harry. I'm deadly serious," said Draco. "I want a pissa."
"The toilet's just upstairs," said Harry, with a grin.
Draco and Ron looked at each other, frustration written all over their faces, and then they looked at Hermione, who shrugged, clearly mystified.
"I'll SHOW you," said Ron impatiently. He pulled a leaflet off the refrigerator, sending a happy daisy magnet flying, and waved the flimsy bit of paper in front of Harry's nose.
"Oh," said Harry, suddenly understanding. "Pizza!"
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Author's Notes: Is Snape Harry's father? Snapey's turning up in the next chapter, so maybe Harry will find out soon.
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Thank you to the following people for reviewing: keske, Fmh, Potter's Wifey, roxietheroxie, Riku-Rocks, InTheTelling, rekahneko, Yellowwolf, 6tigercubs, ThePotionsMiss, dracoizumi, GreenEyedCatDragon, draconian snowangel216, Car, HecateDeMort, Crowley Black, creativekhaos, NinjaoftheDarkness, thrnbrooke, Iset, Anissina June, Your Mom Is My Heart., ProperT, LunaSky, and Fred kissed George.
Norwegian MoonShadow: Thanks for voting for The Bodyguard at quilltoparchment dot com. I haven't won a fanfic writing award before and it would be incredibly cool if I did.
ThePotionsMiss: Thanks! Yes, 30 chapters already! After this current chapter, only six chapters and an epilogue to go! Twenty-three days until Deathly Hallows, and I want to finish before that comes out. One chapter every 3.2 days...
bellajen94: Thanks for your review! 3. Your wish is my command! 4. Sorry, the weekend got in the way. Only about 3 days between updates this time. 5. Hmm, perhaps you already have solid proof, one way or the other? ;-) 6. I'd like to work Pansy and the twins shagging into the plot. 7. Jumping down Snape's throat is never a very good idea at the best of times (as Rowling says, he's not a nice guy) and it's even less advisable now. The quartet aren't school kids any more, and Snape isn't their teacher and responsible for their welfare. Let's just say the greasy git doesn't have to stick to expelling them or deducting house points. Bwahahahah! ;-) 8. Can't say yet! 9. Really can't say yet! Bwahahahaha! ;-) 10. Thanks again.