My hands are shaking. I feel sweat beads forming. My stomach feels nauseas. What's happening? I haven't been this nervous around him in years, why now? I've been staring at my teacup since we sat down together. Finally, I look up at him to see his eyes locked on my own, but something in them makes me uneasy. This isn't the Zuko I've known for the last four years, this isn't the same boy that watched with yearning eyes. Something is different. Nervous, I look back at my teacup. The silence is killing me, but for a change, I am at a loss for words.
"You look…good." He finally said, perhaps feeling the same tension. I look back to him and smile softly, then raise the teacup to my lips to take a sip, trying not to shake.
"I'm glad you're here." I say, setting the cup back on the table as I rotate it around to watch the contents swirl.
"With a trade agreement as important as this one, I had to make sure it would go through." My stomach twists slightly as I look back at him, his eyes now on his own cup.
"Well, I meant, here, with me, right now." His golden orbs flicker to mine; in a warning or agreement, I can't tell. "Because, you know, having someone to talk to other then Aang is welcome." Nice, Katara. I couldn't help it, I'm nervous; I needed to cover up my confession. He nods and slightly smiles.
"Yeah, I figured he would have grown up by now." I laugh, probably more then what was warranted.
"He's still the same kid I found in the ice! Hardly anything is ever serious." I laugh again, lighter this time. "Just last week we went down the chutes here in the city." Zuko raises a brow at me, as though chastising my behavior. Perhaps I'm reading too far into it. "How are things in the Fire Nation?"
"Good." He simply states as he drinks from his cup.
"Good." I reply, looking back down at my own. I don't even know what flavor it is; if there is one, I can't taste it right now. The silence settles back in for a few minutes, each passing moment growing more agonizing then the last. Finally, when I can no longer stand to keep words to myself, I speak, placing my hands on the table firmly. "I miss you." I say, my mind sounding alarms to stop before I make a fool of myself. He looks up at me, surprised. "I do, I can't help it." He just stares at me. "What if…why can't we just start over again? We'll keep it a secret, you and I, and no one will have to know!" His eyes close tight, in pain or annoyance, I'm not sure, everything is so hard to read right now. "You can do what you need to for your people, marry someone else, fine, whatever, but that can just be a show!" He's staring at the teacup in front of me, not saying a word, not acknowledging me…damn the teacups! "Zuko, I love you." I can feel the bitter sting of salt as tears begin to brim my eyes. "Don't you understand? I cannot just ignore that!" My nails are now digging into the wood as I bite my lip, trying to fight the tears. Just say something!
"Katara…" He finally says, his eyes still not meeting my own. "Katara, I'm engaged."
That's the exact moment it happened.
In my chest, my heart shattered into pieces and it hurt as if he'd taken a sledge hammer to it. His eyes finally meet my own, my blue orbs imploring him for more information, waiting for him to say this is some kind of cruel joke. He's not saying anything! He just stares at me, when he should be holding me, wiping the tears falling down my cheeks, kissing my pain away.
"Who is she?" I hear myself ask. "WHO?" He snarls at my scream, but I don't care. His eyes catch the liquid in our teacups as they tremor with my emotions.
"Katara, we both know it can't work. It never would. Maybe if I were anything but Fire Lord…"
"No, shut up Zuko. It could work, you just never wanted to try hard enough!" My jaw begins to shake as I reach a hand up to swipe at the wetness. "I was willing to give up everything for you!" He looks down at the liquid again and closes his eyes.
"You are still Water Nation. You can't just give that up." My eyes close into slits as I glare at him.
"You mean peasant. I'm still just a peasant, I can't become anything more." I spit, my voice lowering dangerously.
"No, that's not what I—"
"Admit it, Zuko, I'm just not good enough for you! Just say it!" He slams a fist down on the table as he leans forward on his knees, towering over me.
"I never said that!" He growls, as I feel the tears have stopped, and my temper rise.
"You didn't have to!" I shout as I stand, not willing to allow him to even try to intimidate me.
"You're over exaggerating this like you always do! I knew me doing the right thing and telling you in person wouldn't matter to you!" He says as he stands as well, his fists clenched next to his sides.
"You, you, you! You're right, Lord Zuko, you're the most magnificent person to ever grace my presence, and you fucking with my head is just such a fucking gift!" As I raise and throw my arms up and down, the water in the tea cups and vases around the room follow my command, and while I'm not purposely causing it, I know its happening.
"What else was I supposed to do? My Nation expects me to wed a noble, Katara! I had a decision to make—"
"So you choose her?" When his eyes flicker for a moment, his face paling for only a second, I know my gut was right. "And you've already made up your mind." My vision is blurry from the anger I'm feeling as I try to stop my uncontrollable shaking, and then determine there's no use. I head for the door.
"Where are you going?" He asks, as dumb as a question it is, and it only makes my blood boil stronger. As if he wanted me to stay and continue such a thrilling conversation full of so many pleasant topics.
"Anywhere you aren't." I leave through the door, slamming it behind me, and then leave my bedroom all together, storming down the hall faster then he could catch up, dodging into a side corridor and around a corner before he could see me, even if he were chasing after me. I'd like to think he was, but knowing him, he's still standing in the room, steaming by himself. Fuck him.
The farther I walk, the deeper into the city I go, the slower my steps become and the heavier I feel. My legs are feeling like goo, and as such, it feels as though they're sticking right to the very ground. My chest is hurting and my face is wet from tears. Before I know it, I'm collapsed against the backside of a building, the shattered pieces of my heart feeling like they're slashing their way through my chest, and the sobs alerting residents of my pain.
This is it; this is the end of my life, as he was all I wanted to live for.