Chapter 5: Where does depression hurt?

I wake up to the sound of birds chirping outside my window. I stretch and get out of bed, to see I was still in jeans and a shirt. Then I remember what I thought was a dream. Itachi had carried me to my bed after I fell asleep on the couch.

I pick out some clothes and then go to the bathroom. I turn on the hot water and strip all of my clothes off. I step into the waiting shower. I let the hot water wash over me as I think back on last night. The small conversation Itachi and me had. I thought back to the possibility that he may still have his mania, that he's still sick. I don't know why the thought bothered me so much, but I decided I'd go and do some research. Though the possibility of the doctors letting Itachi out of the hospital if he wasn't cured was slim. It still bothered me. I had to be sure on my own. Because I'm not going to deal with the same shit over again. I'm not going to do what I did when I was little. I'd just wait and hope he'll cut a vein in his wrist and bleed to death.

I turn off the water, and put on my cloths. I walk down stairs, Kakashi must have just woke up. "Hey, Kakashi, drive me to the library." I demand, my guardian looks at me lazily. He lets out a yawn.

"Why do you need to go to the library?" He asks, sipping on his coffee.

"Because." Is all I say.

"Fine, let me finish my breakfast." He announces. I sit down and wait. I look around wonder where Itachi was. I shrug it off and when Kakashi was done with his breakfast he got his car keys. He wrote a note for Itachi and stuck it on the fridge for when he woke up. I guess he's still asleep then. Once I got to the library I separated from my guardian. I went to the medical section and look for a book on depression. Once I found a couple I brought the stack to a table. The first one I looked at had the title, "Bipolar; Manic depression."

This is what I overheard my father and mother talk about. They said my aniki had this and he was suppose to get treatment. I wonder if he did back then, I don't think I remember my nii-san ever having to leave to go to a doctor. I shrug it off and flip through the book, until I get to a list of the symptoms. I scanned through them, only certain ones stood out…

Feelings

Irritability, excessive anger over trivial things, overreacting to stimuli (the list went on, but this was the only one that seemed to fit to my aniki)

Thoughts

Inflated self-esteem, grandiosity, thinking one is more powerful than one really is

Loss of touch with reality, hearing voices (hallucinations) or having strange ideas (delusions)

Those were the only things that really stuck out, but I picked up another book in titled "Depression hurts". Once again I flip to the list of symptoms and it sounded more like the way Itachi acts now and how he used to be. I read through the list, intrigued by how many of the symptoms fit to Itachi, or is it just my imagination?

Feelings

Loss of feelings for family and friends

Inability to experience pleasure, or have fun

Thoughts

Loss of touch with reality

Thoughts of suicide and/or homicide

Behaviors

Withdrawal from social contacts

I close the book, my eyebrow nit together in thought. So…my parents though he had manic depression. If that's what was on his medical records, then when he was taken to the hospital after the murders, is that what they treated him for? But he didn't have that many of the symptoms. It sounded more like he had depression, he wasn't manic. I close the books and put them back where I got them from. Then I sit at the table, thinking. Would it make a difference of what depression they treated? Wouldn't they catch the mistake? Is Itachi still sick?

I get up and put my hands in my pocket. Why am I getting so bent out of shape about this? Who cares if he's still sick. As long as he doesn't kill Kakshi or me. Like I said I'll just sit back and hope he slits his wrist and drains himself of all his blood.

I go to find Kakashi in the part of the library I expected him to be. The 'romance novels'; the more graphic ones. "I'm ready to go."

"Ok.." He says his nose still in the book, he walks up to the Liberian to check it out. Then after that we drive home. I still think about the possibility of Itachi still having depression. After all I haven't spent that much time with him, so I can't come to any conclusions. I'll have to keep an eye on him. Not because I care for him, but because I don't want his illness to ruin my life again.

I go up to my room. How will I be able to keep an eye on Itachi, without him becoming suspicious, or him having false hope. I still hate him, yes I gave him a chance yesterday. Yes I spoke to him, but the hate is still there. And I suppose it always will be, I myself don't want it to go away. After all, he doesn't deserve anything but my hatred. For all the things he's done, like take away my family, take away time for myself. He's drained me, when I was little I was so worried for him. But, not anymore, now there's only hate. Now I couldn't careless if he wants to kill himself. I'm not giving him a reason to live, I'd rather encourage his death, his inner turmoil at least. Yes I want him to suffer for what he did. Maybe wishing him death is a little extreme, but I do want him to pay. For taking away our mom and dad. Let him be depressed, let him loath himself as much as I do.

"Sasuke?" I jump a little bit out of surprise. I look at the door to see my brother.

"What?" I ask annoyed."

"Lunch is ready, Kakashi wants you to join us." He explains coldly. Then drifts off down the hall, leaving my door open. I follow the elegant figure. All the while studying him, to see if I can't find a sign of his illness. The way he walks brings back memories. My aniki always had such an elegance about him. When I was little I would always think of him as a geisha. He walked slowly in small steps, giving you a false sense of helplessness. Or maybe he is, maybe he is helpless to a point….

"Sasuke become strong. Stronger then me."

I shut my eyes, as if that would stop my mind from showing me the image of that night long ago. Of course it didn't. I open my eyes again to only find my brother staring at me. He then turns swiftly to walk down the steps and to the kitchen, me not fare behind. We all sit down, lunch is quiet. Seeing as I was studying my brother for any cuts, Kakashi had his nose in the book he had just gotten, and Itachi sure as hell wasn't going to start up a conversation.

I sit on the couch, it's about three o'clock. Itachi is next to me, painting his nails. I watch him do this, I haven't noticed any cuts. But I'm sure that my brother isn't healthy, I can just tell. But at least he's not as bad as he used to be, so I'm safe here with my brother. But for some reason I still felt concern, for what I didn't exactly know. Maybe it's him? No, of course not I could care less about his safety. I sigh watching as Itachi runs the brush over his nail leaving purple nail polish behind. Well I could understand my uneasy feeling, my strange concern. Just because he seems fine doesn't mean he won't snap. After all he seemed fine and incapable of murder when I was young, but he did it. There was a small fear in my heart and the concern lingered too. Yes that must be it, that's the reason for my worry.

"Is watching me entertaining to you little brother?" Came the emotionless, indifferent voice of the man next to me. I just snort and turn my head to the TV. There's nothing to worry about, Iachi's stable…..I tell myself, but it doesn't seem to ease my worry.

A/N: Sasuke doesn't know it yet but he's slowly starting to care for Itachi, shhhh. Don't tell him. Anyway, this chapter is mainly based of my own thoughts about my sis. I did at one point dislike her after her 'treatment'. Also she was diagnosed with depression, but I have come to my own conclusion that she's actually manic and still is. So it's the opposite of what I wrote in here. Just little fun facts, I thought I'd share. Please review.