Warning: Pairing Hints. Readers are advised not to lash out at the Author.

Dear You Who Read This,

This is a chain letter, a spam, the thing you shouldn't read on Potions lesson unless you fancy a detention.

The last line was dead serious. I mean it. It was seriously serious.

How to Win a Woman's Heart

By Neville Longbottom, Dork Lord (Okay, my self-esteem was dangerously low these days)

Okay, you could start saying 'EH?' now.

I

am

waiting

for

you

to

Done? No?

be

over

with

it.

Okay, it's over. Okay, I realize that the title of the How-to seemed so off. Well, it was. Putting 'Win a Woman's Heart' and 'Neville Longbottom' so close was like gossiping that You-Know-Who molested children. Oh well, it was just that…with all my dorky (if there was anyone out there that fancies me, which was impossible from the start, admit it, I'm dorky) actions, I managed to get a (stunningly, staggeringly cute) girl on the Yule Ball, and currently the one I had a crush on was warming up to me. So, I guess if with my dorky attitude I could get the attention of the woman I had a crush on, why couldn't you, the handsome and smart ones, do it?

Be wary though, in this How-to, I will not:

1. Guarantee 100 Percent that It Will Work
If you're even dorkier than (who could beat my title of The Dorkiest Student of the Year, anyway?) me, try 74,917293682 percent.

2. Tell You the Name of my Crush
I will only tell this: She was not from Ravenclaw. She was from…uh…Slytherin! Yes, that's it! She was from Slytherin.

3. Not Let Her Read This
As if she cared anyway. She would instead look for Narg…nothing.

4. Give the Best Details
Remember, I write this based on my memory. 'Nuff said.

Now, let's start.

1. Know 'Who' She Is.
Know which house she's in. Know her birthday and hobbies. Know her previous boyfriends slightly so you could learn why she broke up with them and try to not doing the same mistake. Any grammar mistake on the previous line?

2. Don't, However, Furiously, Stalk Her
Girls tend to stay far, far away from stalkers. They hated dorky stalkers even more. What they hate the most was crying, stupid, dorky stalker. So if you're one, take this step to heart. Not literally!

3. Be Cool
Dorks and alike, this would be the hardest step for us. Be wary of trying to do things we couldn't, and do your best on your best subject, like Herbology, for mine. It's too bad there's no phrase 'chicks dig guys who took care of Mimbulus Mumbletonia' though.

4. Stay with Her
But make sure it looked like an accident. I get on the same compartment with her on my fifth…I'm saying too much!

5. Never, Ever, Gets Freaked Out by Her Unusual Habits
Pretend that you believe there was something that took nest on mistleto…Mist Let Our Customers Happy bar. That bar was too darn misty for its own good!

6. Give Her Presents
Just don't give her your pet. Especially if your pet was a toad.

7. Never, Ever Give Up
Fortunately, there was a 'Give Dorks a Chance' phrase. God bless the phrase maker! 'Phrase maker' sounded dangerously close to that Muggle's candy brand's slogan.

8. Stay Cool on Close Proximity
Don't let your heartbeats race when you're about forty steps away from her. Don't let your face get red when she's looking at you. Don't faint when she smiled at you. Let, however, her helped you into a seat on your Headmaster's funeral after you were hurt by the Death Ea…I've said too much, aren't I?

Well, that's it. I am sure some of the steps were furiously inaccurate, but bleh, it was my best.