Chapter 12:Looking at one self
Reminding myself of hate doesn't work. Only the old familiar feeling that had compelled me to kiss my brother sat there along with depression. I had betrayed myself. This was the man that took away my family, my normal life. When I was little I used to care so much for my nii-san, I felt like I was his world, his only reason for living. I took pride in that, but now I fear it. I'm still his world, his only one, and it scares and confuses me. Did this feeling he has—this love— is it just a recent occurrence? Or has it always been there, and I was just too blind and ignorant as a child to recognize it?
For weeks I dwelled on these new yet old feelings toward my brother. The emotion I refuse to call love. The old feeling I had put away long ago in a box, in the back of my mind. Which I replaced with hate, which no longer exists but I wish that it hadn't disappeared. It's just easier to hate, but I can't anymore.
During these weeks Kakashi was concerned about me. I know I must look brain dead, and in a way I am to the outside world. Not wanting to take anymore in until I sort out what's already inside. Once again I find myself in my room, performing the ritual of opening and closing the gift my nii-san gave me. Remembering all the strong feelings of love I had for him, the feelings of protection. The kind an older brother should posses. That almost selfish protective feeling, that kept Itachi from taking his life. The relationship we had back then…was it inevitable that we fell in love? Were those innocent yet strong feelings towards my brother, foreshadowing something more? Something he's felt since then, and that I have just discovered? No, I'm not in love.…I scull myself. I feel something for Itachi, I know that much. A brotherly bond that's all I'm sure, but there's still a hint of confusion within me. Maybe it's just my imagination. Or maybe I can't completely accept those feelings yet. Not until I know 'why'.
But I will not go seek Itachi to ask him. It's obvious he doesn't want to tell me yet. I lay back and think, searching my mind for memories, anything that could shed light on this question.
This soon brought up thoughts of my brother as a whole. Along with these thoughts came a question I had to ask myself. Am I living in a dream? Am I blocking out things to try and keep myself under control? It's funny how I pick and choose questions, those questions never really directed at me, but my brother and his behavior. I take the locket around my neck, and start my ritual as I think on things. Opening and closing the piece of jewelry as I do something I should have done earlier; analyze myself.
First the question of love. Yes I must say I feel a strong emotion towards my brother. Possibly love, there's no question behind that. I had even told myself that I couldn't accept it yet until I know why. But that brings up the question of why I can't just accept it now? Am I just stalling, because I don't feel ready yet or comfortable about the whole situation? Will Itachi answering my long sought after question really change anything? No it won't, I'm just hiding the fear I have. I couldn't love my brother so deeply it just isn't right. It's not a sin unless I look at it as such. How easily he had said it, but I can't just look at it purely. It is wrong not only because he is my brother but also because he is the murder of my family; even if he did have good protective reasoning behind it, it's still a fact. I let out a sigh. Yes I…care for my brother. And something like that can't simply go away, can it? Can't I just ignore this feeling, and go on without acknowledging something so immoral? This topic got confusing fast, seeing as my feelings for Itachi were all jumbled up. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to accept my feelings, and I didn't exactly know what or if I should do something about that.
So next question. The whole 'don't live in the past' thing. I don't understand it. It's perfectly normal for me to seek answers for his actions, therefore I must live in the past. To try and find out who my brother is now, here in the present. So I can better understand him. But along with the past comes past ideas, and concepts. Because I had already made up my mind, that everything is Itachi's fault. Which created a hatred for him, that I now no longer really posses. By living in the past, I could only see what I already told myself. My eyes open a little wider and I stop my opening and closing of the locket.
By living in the past I still have the mind of a child. Not yet intelligent enough to be able to read between the lines. Only knowing that his nii-san and father yelled a lot, not knowing why, therefore blaming Itachi. Only understanding that his presence kept his brother from killing himself, not understanding or wishing to know why. But I think I know why now. My brother had loved me, he did everything out of love for me. Now I must open my mind, and stop living in the past, and look at the new possibilities.
At the new answers to why. Not the close-minded simple and quick answers like, it was the medicine. Or blindly hating Itachi. Not caring to listen to his point of view, because I had already marked him a murderer.
I close my eyes, satisfied with the answer I had come up with. I'll look at things through new eyes, not ones with hate, or simple one-word answers. I'll look at flaws in my parents, not only my brother. Because it wasn't only his fault, like I had told myself. Depression and madness doesn't just come out of nowhere, there had to be a reason why during that time my brother snapped.
I get up and change, telling myself that was enough thinking for one day. I hadn't come out of my room all day. I didn't want to face Kakashi's concern, and I didn't want to face Itachi at all. Though I still want to know why, so I must face him again one day. The thought didn't seem as scary anymore though, neither did my confusing emotions
I yawn and crawl under my covers, exhausted.
It was the day that my nii-san would become 'sick'. It was the day that all the yelling and crying would start. It was still a happy time for me, though it would be the last day of childish innocence. I would be around my mother a lot, and I would play with Itachi too when I got the chance. Which wasn't very often. He always seemed to be busy then, but he tried to make time. Tried to build that brotherly bond. I thought nothing of his busy schedule back then. Just accepted it like a child would, when not given a proper answer.
Either way it was mostly on weekends that we had time together. This weekend Itachi was playing tennis with me. Well actually it was feather ball, and he was the only one using a racket. For in my childishness I found it more fun to chase after the ball with my bare hands. This was a time where I didn't have the responsibility of making sure my brother was happy and wasn't going to hurt himself. He showed no emotion, no sign of unhappiness then. I only found out that my brother wasn't happy after he had made my mom cry while he was arguing with our father.
"Itachi you have a tennis match today. Get dressed, it's almost time to leave," my father tells him, completely ignoring my presence. I hadn't questioned that when I was little, just accepted it, and in a way enjoyed the attention given to me by my father once the relationship between him and my aniki went downhill. Itachi gets up, and I walked up to him, eyes sad. He ducks down to my level, handing me the racket he was holding along with the feather ball.
"Put it away. Later tonight I'll read you a story," he promises, taping me on the forehead before leaving to go get ready for the tennis match he had. I find out later when the yelling starts that he didn't like tennis, or any of the sports my father signed him up for. He played soccer and tennis, he was on the chess team, and on top of that, two grades ahead of where someone his age is supposed to be.
He came home around six o'clock. I watched as he went into the bathroom to take a shower after getting a change of clothes from his room. I waited for him to come out; I wanted him to read the story he had promised me. It was my bed time after all. He comes out and spots me peeking around the corner waiting. He looks at me with no sign of feeling on his face, but if you knew what you were looking for you could see amusement in his eyes. I giggled and hid behind the wall I was looking around, a little game of hide and seek. I could hear my brother come toward me, and I sat there for a while in silence thinking he would overlook me. But he sat next to me, amusement still in his eyes, no matter how cold he looked on the outside. He smirked at me, and was about to tell me something when my father came down the hall.
"Itachi, me and your mother wish to speak with you," came my father's voice. I look up at him, but like usual his eyes are on Itachi not me. My brother gets up, and the two male role models in my life walk away. After they are out of sight, I go to sit on the top of the stair to eavesdrop.
"We've seen your grades Itachi," my mother starts. "We're very proud of you."
"But we also think it's not a challenge. You're getting an A in every one of your classes, along with balancing sports, and being the top chess player in the county. We don't believe that this is entertaining your intelligence." Itachi said nothing, though I believe my father expected him to since he took a pause. Either way he continues, "We want you to think about skipping another grade," my father states bluntly.
"What?" Itachi ask in a monotone voice.
"You teachers agree that you could handle another boost, if not even thrive a grade ahead," my father explained.
"I don't want to," Itachi states plainly.
"What do you mean you don't want to?"
"Stop trying to live through me. I'm already the youngest in all my classes. Stop thinking about your own ego for once, and let me do what I want."
"Itachi we only want the best for you," my mother reassures him. But it was to late, that day something in Itachi snapped.
"The hell you do," he said in a way too calm of a voice. "I'm not skipping any more grades, I'm not taking any more advanced classes, and I'm not doing any more damn sports." The arguing went on for about another half-hour, and when I heard footsteps coming I went to my room. I peeked out from the same corner I was hiding behind earlier. Watching my brother come up the stairs, I remember thinking he looked like a corpse. He walked into the bathroom and walked back out to go into his room, razor in his hand. I didn't think of it then. I didn't think my nii-san would have ever hurt himself, but I know now that's when he started to get 'sick'.
The next day he hadn't spoken to me or anyone else for that matter, and it went on like that. For the longest time he had withdrawn himself from the family. But, soon enough his ice wall broke when it came to me, and I was his only salvation.
A/N: I had trouble with this chapter. I wrote one version, then deleted it and wrote this one. I hope it flows smoothly because I did use some parts of the old chapter in this version. I also hope you enjoyed it and that it wasn't too bad.