Chapter 15: From supple lips, past revealed
I lay in my bed, unwilling to get up. I had the most pleasant dream, and I wish only to turn over and go back to sleep. But the sunlight pouring into my room made that action difficult. My eyes won't stay shut, and I wasn't tired, no matter how badly I wanted to go back to my dreamland. Today was Sunday, and the last day of the weekend Kakashi would be working overtime. Saturday night, was a paradise. Though specifically recalling what I had done with Itachi was hard. Some conversation on some subject that the viewing of the news brought up, along with other bonding activities that just seem to slip my mind. All I know is that I'm laying here very happy and that can't only be because of the dream that had graced me.
I finally get out of bed and head to get ready for the day. Taking a shower sounded good, and I did so. Afterwards I just threw on some casual cloths, today was not special or anything. I then walk down towards the kitchen, in the mood for a small breakfast. This happy fog was an odd feeling to have indeed. And the fog only seemed to become denser once I laid eyes on my brother, who was also having breakfast in the kitchen. I ignore him of course, and he does the same.
I try hard to recall all of the activity of last night. I remember earlier in the evening, I had inquired about Itachi's time in the mental facility. Still thinking on my dream I had so long ago, and how badly and miserable it all seemed. Itachi hadn't said much, not really answering anything. It made me worry a little, it was like he didn't want to tell me at all. As if it were too horrible to mention. I finger the locket I wear religiously, while putting down my bowl of cereal. I had other conversations with my brother and 'why' had turned its ugly head once I was really into the conversation. I had not asked Itachi, but there was a burning feeling. I wanted to know, but ignored the urge to ask then. The more I talked to my brother, the more rational he seemed as if the touch of a mental imbalance had never fazed him. He sounded not at all insane, and even though his tone of voice held no excitement or happiness, the possibility of him still having depression was far from my mind. Or at least I couldn't imagine the depression to be leading him to insanity.
Itachi is a mystery, pure and simple. A complex creature whom I know only little of, but still know him better then anyone else. I was the only one who understood him when we were children, and it seems I'm the only one who would be able to solve the mystery that is my aniki. Though I have no desire to completely crack my brother open. I want him to stay a mystifying breeze, whispering his knowledge in a language unspoken.
I look up from my cereal bowl, taking in the sight of the person I'm thinking of. He graces me with eye contact, a gesture I shy away from. I lower my eyes, not being able to hold his gaze for long. How pathetic. I didn't raise my eyes again while I was at the table, only eating my breakfast peacefully. I don't know why I couldn't hold his gaze. But it made me feel submissive, weak, and the urge to stare into his murky pools came over me. To show that I'm far from weak and didn't think myself beneath him. Of course Itachi doesn't think me beneath him, only in a cold way teasing me and taking slight amusement from my inner conflicts with myself. I'm sure he finds me even now amusing.
The rustling of clothes is what makes me look up once again. Itachi was leaving the kitchen. I look after him, and 'why' seemed to creep into my head. It's so simple to ask, I know he'd tell me. I no longer live in the past, yet now it's knocking at my door. It's easier to leave past ideas behind, but past questions must be answered before you can fully escape the times of yor. I wonder if Itachi thinks the same, and if he's waiting for me to question 'why'.
I put away my bowl, and peek into the living room. I take in the sight of my brother for only a moment, before thinking it best to go back to my room. After all, I don't want to raise any suspicions.
Once I reach my room, I scan for anything that could occupy me. I grab a book, and rest on my bed. But it was hard to keep my mind on the book, the talk of love only making me think about Itachi, and in turn I think of 'why'. It's come back to haunt me, but it can be so easily taken care of. Just right now is not the time to ask, and once again a little bit of fear creeps into my chest, when the thought of asking tonight enters my mind. I don't understand, there should be nothing to be afraid of. But there it is, just a tinge. I wonder if it's natural for me to feel like this, or it's just my emotions being conflicting again. I want to know, but maybe the fear of an answer is giving me this discomfort. I think back on our conversations, telling myself Itachi isn't insane, and even if his answer is insane, he's far from such. He may not have changed, he may still be in a cloud of depression, but he's my aniki, the only one I want. I refuse to accept that insanity would bother me so much. He's shown no sign of it. There's nothing to fear. He'll still be my aniki.
These words didn't seem to help, and it worried me. How can I ask if I'm not sure I want to hear an answer? I don't want to think about it anymore. I'll ask Itachi, it has to be done. It can't be overlooked. With that I focus once more on my novel.
The time for Kakashi to leave came slowly. But once he called from downstairs telling me that he would be leaving, I felt relief. I shout back an all right, showing that I had heard him. I now sit in my room, wondering if it's my way of stalling for time. After all, I did say that I wanted to speak to Itachi, to ask my question. Though my novel didn't seem to be that good of a distraction anymore. My eyes glance up from the page to my door, wanting Itachi to come in. After awhile of attempting to read in this state, I finally give up and get off my bed. I put the book on my desk, and was about to head for the door when it opened. It was my brother of course. He lets himself in, closing the door behind him.
"Why don't you come down?" He asks simply, as the door clicks closed behind him.
"I was busy," I say rudely. Holding his gaze, I'm determined not to look away. In the back of my mind making a wager, if I can hold his gaze I'll ask 'why'. If I can't I will wait for another day.
Itachi's eyes seem to look around shortly, and then they land on me once again, as if looking right through me. "I see," he says it so calmly, as if mocking me. I find myself not blinking any more, and my eyes water. All because I wanted to hold his gaze, though that doesn't mean I should stop blinking.
"Is there something troubling you?" Itachi's tone of voice hardly changed. I let myself blink, and rub at my eye. In my mind it was good enough, I hadn't looked away from his eyes. I open my mouth, and no sound came out. I was excited yet nerves. How can I go about this? I still look Itachi in the eye, as if hoping he'd understand. Feeling desperate like I had when I confessed my love to him. I want him to understand, not because I can't bring myself to ask, but I don't know how. It seemed as if my actions somewhat confused Itachi, and his eyes run over me as if looking for the answer. In my nervous state, the habit came and I finger the locket he had given me. I was thinking of a way to ask, and that little bit of fear seemed to have grown. Then it hits me, the reason why my earlier words hadn't comforted me.
If Itachi were only a little ill, and he could still think rationally it would make him a cold-blooded murder. I lower my eyes, looking at my silver gift. I can't think of him as such. That's why I stall even now to ask. If he seems to have been in his right mind…no he's not a murderer…he has a good reason. He's not the type to just do something like that out of amusement, no matter how much others' troubles and self-turmoil amuse him. He never showed a side of himself to me that would make me think he'd have tortured our parents out of amusement. But…what if? I thought I've grown past this, and a big part of me is screaming, "Don't doubt him! Don't go back to the one minded thinking, don't lock yourself in the past."
The touch of a hand is what snaps me out of my thoughts. I look up into dark eyes as pale fingers slowly glide down my cheek. I felt a lump in my throat, and I swallow.
"Ask," one word, one simple word, he made it sound so easy.
"I must be acting so pathetic. I guess I didn't become strong like you told me to," I insult myself. This was so hard, and it shouldn't be. I can only think of myself as pathetic. I shut my eyes and pull away from the slow moving hand still on my face. I felt shame. Why couldn't I just ask? I'm not strong enough, I'm….
"Pathetic is ignorance. Not acceptance. Ask," he says. What does he mean? Is he insulting me as well? A tinge of anger comes over me, and I give my brother a glare. I was once again in that confusing state of mind, where emotions just come up out of nowhere. I leave my glare behind, once Itachi only stays calm. Waiting patiently for me to ask. I don't say anything, rather withdraw into my mind. Thinking on Itachi's words, they weren't meant to be an insult, I can see it in his eyes. Was it an encouragement? I had accepted my feelings for him, I hadn't pushed them away. Well at least not for all my life. I had been confused, but I accepted it. I accepted myself, and him. I started that small step, I can't just stop in the middle of the road. I will not ignore my past, my question. I will accept the answer, and I will still accept Itachi.
I look up at my brother, and two simple words came from my lips, "Aniki…why?"
Though Itachi didn't look away from my questioning gaze, he also said nothing. It worried me, does he still think I'm not ready? No, it can't be that. Is he preparing himself? Does he also hold some fear about this conversation? I reach out my hand, and our fingers touch, I come closer to him.
"Empty words of comfort can only go so far," his voice sounded like a whisper, but I know he's talking in a normal tone. I say nothing, and just wait for him to go on. "Once the inside disturbance seems to settle, another comes up. Nothing was learned from the Civil War before. Then there is scouting, and eyes reach beyond to find other followers, not protected by walls. Purity and innocence can be so easily tainted Sasuke. It's a shame." I wait as if expecting more, but nothing else was said. I turn and go to sit on my bed. I look at the floor, Itachi only stood near my desk, unmoving. I rest my head in my hands, I wonder if all this was making Itachi nervous?
But I only need the time to think, nothing more. He speaks of our father, and how he seemed to have tried to live through Itachi. Pushing him, not caring. Only caring about hearing praises, having a smart son was an honor after all wasn't it? But you can't control people, you can't shove your wishes onto them. That's the weakness Itachi saw in himself, that's what he meant when he told me to become stronger than him. He was weak, for he ignored his own wishes. For following our father, for so long, and then only having the strength to kill them when something triggered it. That something was me. I was what made Itachi snap. Father started showing an interest in me, like he had shown in Itachi, who was now doing as he pleased and they were on bad terms. I was the only one who tried to understand Itachi. I don't know when exactly Itachi had started to feel things for me, but this all triggered the murders.
There's and ache in my chest. I clutch to my shirt, and continue to stare at the floor. I heard footsteps coming toward me. He did it all for me, he was…It was the right thing to do in his mind, it was the only way he could…
Itachi stopped in front of me. He had been deprived of a childhood, he was always busy, never near anyone his own age. He saw what it had done to him. And now he was the cause of all the crying, all the worry. He didn't care if Mother cried. He did, however, care when I did. He was making me grow up too fast, did he see that? His depression made me take on a responsibility that even our parents didn't take. I looked out for him, I tried to understand him. He was making me grow up too fast. But he himself was like this because of father, and then seeing father take an interest in me, it was too much for him to take. He had loved me, he didn't want me to be controlled, he didn't want me to grow up too fast, he had to do something. He had to take responsibility, repay me, and show me he loves me. He had to….
"…protect me…" I lift my head to look at my brother in front of me. The pain in my chest only increased, when I look upon my brother's face. To anyone who didn't know how to read him, they would say he was stoic. But I saw it, the relief, and the pure love and devotion he held. It hurt, and the ache in my chest didn't go away as I saw a tinge of pain in my brother's countenance.
He may never speak sweet nothings to me, or as much as say 'I love you.' But this moment alone reassures me of the emotion he claims to have for me. Itachi takes a seat next to me on the bed. It seems as if everything has come full circle. I rest my head on my brother's shoulder. Once again that lovesick feeling overtakes me, and I feel so strange. I would have never imagined myself here only months ago. Itachi takes my hand into his. We are silent, nothing needs to be said. We know the other well enough, to know we have nothing to fear.
I tilt my head back and look at my brother's face. He was looking at our hands, but once sensing my gaze he directed his towards me. I tip my head up only a few inches, and our lips meet. There was something inside of me begging to come out. It's as if I am completely empty except for that one feeling, which also wants to leave me. It's not a bad thing though it seems, and I want to listen to this feeling. I'm at peace, a peace I thought I would never have as long as my brother was near. But it's ironic, how the symbol of my turmoil, hate, and pain, is now my relief, protector and salvation.
The hand my brother isn't being used to holding mine comes up to cup my face. Our kiss becomes deeper, and I push on him. I adjust myself so I can better push him. Standing on my knees on the bed, I make myself taller. I part for only a brief gasp of air, before once again kissing my brother, now towering over him. I push my brother once again, now having the perfect position to knock him down. He falls back onto my bed, and I cover him with my body. Parting our lips, I trail butterfly kisses down his throat.
Our hands hadn't ever untangled during these actions. But soon they will. The feeling inside of me trying to escape seems to be driving me into a blissful madness, as I once again ravish my brother's mouth.
A/N: Lemon next chapter! Aren't you all happy? Review if you like, thank you.