Chapter 17: Small fears
Fingers loosely laced together, soft pillows surrounded me. This much I could comprehend. But I became far more awake when that hand slipped away from mine. I tried to open my eyes but the weights of sleep wouldn't let me. When movement jostled the bed, I forced my eyes to open.
"Go back to sleep," came Itachi's calm voice. My mind seemed eager to follow his command. It's usually like this, Itachi leaving a little bit after I've fallen asleep. It saddens me, because even though I know he cares for me, there's still a pain to waking up alone. A sort of hopeless feeling, or like everything the night before was a dream. In the morning I'm hardly reminded that it wasn't a dream. Having to act distant, so we won't raise suspicion. It's tiring, and I love it when Kakashi is out of the house, and Itachi and me can act like the lovers we are. I never thought hiding our relationship would be hard, but it is. We can't have it any other way sadly. Keeping this a secret is for our protection, we don't know how others would react. Still sneaking around, acting like this, it makes it seem like we're hiding something dirty.
"Itachi, is this wrong?" I ask tiredly, wanting reassurance from my brother. So I know we are protecting our relationship from being looked upon as dirty, not that we're hiding it because it already is.
"It depends on who's standpoint it is. To many it would be wrong. To others in a similar position it might be like any other love. Incest is mainly looked down upon because of reproduction. More than likely the child will come out deformed."
"But we won't be able to reproduce," I state simply, before waiting for Itachi to go on.
"Yes, that's why we'll be looked down upon even more. To most they can't comprehend why two of the same gender would like one another, because there are no 'benefits' to society. That or they simply fear what they don't understand, a normal human instinct. So yes Sasuke, this is wrong, from societies standpoint. That shouldn't matter." With that he leaves. I look up at the ceiling. How long has it been? About a month or so since I realized my affection for my brother. I feel no regrets, yet it troubles me keeping this all hidden. How long can we go on unnoticed? A foreboding feeling enters my chest. I clutch my locket, even though still broken I refuse to let it come off my neck. This act provides me with comfort that holding Itachi would bring, but seeing as I don't have that opportunity often, the locket makes for a good replacement.
Flipping the locket open wider, I look at the contents. The word, "don't live in the past" no longer reside in the jewelry. A picture of my brother, instead, is right next to the picture of my parents. I neither hate them nor Itachi. My father may have been pushing Itachi, and only looked to me because Itachi stood up for himself, but he's still my father. It's more that I pity him, it's like he didn't really know how to bond with his sons. Then there's Mother, who knew about all that was going on in the house, and she knew how it was affecting Itachi, yet she only gave him words. Maybe Itachi had even asked for her help, and she did nothing. But most wives don't go against their husbands. It's sad, your children are always supposed to come first. She was in an awkward position, she probably had no clue what to do. Therefore only trying to comfort Itachi with words, which didn't help in the long run.
I shut my eyes, and try to go back to sleep, but it was hard in such an empty and cold bed.
Vacation seemed a far away dream. If spring break would come then during the day while Kakashi was at work I wouldn't have to put on an act. With all my ability to read Itachi I honestly don't know how he feels about this situation. If it at all gets on his nerves sneaking around and such, I have no clue. If he's keeping up with the act for our sake, his sake, or my sake, I have no idea.
I press down on my pencil hard, as I write the answer down to a literature question. To be honest the situation's playing on my nerves. Yet I would do nothing to even slightly risk being caught. It's not out of shame, and I could handle the evil looks, seeing as I hardly have much of an attachment with anyone else other than Itachi. I can do without friends and such, they're not a necessity like for some social teenagers, but Itachi is a necessity. In a way he's always been. It's my life and I choose who I want to love, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Naruto has of course no clue about my brother and me, and I don't feel like I need to tell him. It doesn't effect him in anyway after all.
As I sit in school I have an empty feeling, and at lunch Naruto expressed concern. Saying I looked more emo then usual. I just shake my head, indicating I don't really want to talk, and also reassuring him it's not a big deal, so he doesn't need to worry.
The feeling inside of me was that sort of feeling, where you don't really know what's wrong but you want to do something. Like an itch you can't scratch. I know it has to do something with the way me and Itachi are going about our relationship, I've already admitted it's irritating me. But, what could I possibly do about it? Nothing, and that itching emptiness only seems to get deeper with that statement. I can't wait till school's over and the last bell rings. Maybe at least being near Itachi will get rid of this annoying feeling. It could possibly just make it worse, either way I was starting to get angered. After all what could I do about this feeling? I can't rely on Itachi to make it go away, it's my problem and I can handle it, I don't need help. But still it seems hopeless, as the bell signaling lunch is over rings.
Indeed that empty itching feeling only got worse when I set eyes on my brother. My hands just wanted to move and felt so empty without his in it. I'm being whiney, and I should just stop. What if Kakashi noticed me looking in the car rear view mirror practically staring at Itachi, who was simply looking out the window?
Dinner went by with small talk, about school and grades. Thought it almost seemed like Kakashi was trying to get me and Itachi to talk to one another, as if he was looking for some sort of answer from us. I wonder have we not been acting our part right? Have we failed at portraying ourselves as hateful brothers? Or is it simply another plot of Kakashi to try and bond us together?
After dinner Kakashi had beckoned to me, wanting to talk to me privately. "Sasuke is there something on your mind?" He questions.
"Why should there be?" I ask with a smart tone.
"You haven't been..how can I say it…so angry towards Itachi. It's like you've grown up a little," he explains with a pat on my shoulder. "I was just hoping it was out of maturity and not some other reason."
"I'll stand the bastard since I have to live with him," I say coldly, but somehow it hurt for me to say it. Kakashi gave me a weak smile followed by a sigh, and left me to my own business.
I ran into the living room, Itachi was sitting on the couch reading a book, gracing me with his presence. Of course Kakashi wouldn't question why he was reading in the living room, and we could be in one another's presence this way. I turn on the TV, not putting it on low volume, it didn't bother Itachi at all. I watch CSI, it was fetish week, and Spike TV was showing all the weirdest CSI sex crimes. I have no clue where Kakashi had gone off to, but he wasn't in the living room.
While engulfed in the plot line of my TV show, I feel a touch. I jump and look at Itachi, still holding the book in one hand. Our fingertips were touching. I take his hand in mine, and lean in just a bit closer, the risk of being caught high, yet somehow the idea was very thrilling. I didn't indulge myself too long and scooted to the other end of the couch, and Itachi casually turned the page. Not too long after Kakashi came into the living room and sat down in-between us, saying something about CSI, like he'd already seen the episode or something along those lines.
"Watch what you want," I tell him, getting up and heading to my room. I still had some homework to take care of after all. I had a big pile of homework and willingly ignored it till now. I've come to hardly do any homework at home, finding the time in school to finish it easily. But I had to at least finish my outline for history, it's always very time consuming, math and science can wait for tomorrow.
It was around eleven that my door opened slowly, followed by a, "You're still awake?"
I look up from my history book and nod. One more sentence and I'll be done with my outline. It was always at this time me and Itachi had our night time meetings, to be sure that Kakashi was asleep. Itachi came to my desk, just as I finished up. I close my book.
"You should go to sleep, you have school," He says just like any mother would. Usually I've already had an hour and a half's worth of sleep by the time Itachi entered my room.
"I will," I tell him, pulling him to my bed to sit down. I just wanted to be close to him, hear his heartbeat. Rest my head against his chest and tell myself this isn't a dream, no matter how much it seems like it sometimes. The next day, any signs of the night spent together, gone, no words and defiantly no reassuring embraces. I felt like expressing my worries and thoughts about us being together, the things that I had thought about during school. I didn't say anything though, not really wanting to confine in my brother. Somehow wanting to deal with this on my own. I can't always rely on Itachi, just because we're together doesn't mean we have to share everything. I'll be strong on my own, and deal with my worries. There's no reason to bother anyone else with them.
"Kakashi doesn't seem to have noticed anything, yet," Itachi says in a monotone voice, running a hand through my hair. I didn't even have to say anything, it's like when I'm thinking of something he knows. Or maybe he's just thinking of the same thing? Either way I let out a sigh and lean into his petting.
"He's bound to get some sort of clue sometime," I muse.
"What are you so afraid of?" Itachi asks. I look up at him, isn't it plain to see? I don't want to be caught by Kakashi, I just have this foreboding feeling. This can't go on like this for long, it's only a matter of time. What would he do if he found out?
"Of the unknown," I tell my brother. He understands completely.
"We'll worry about problems once they present themselves," he says calmly, but it wasn't good enough for me. I know he's thinking ahead, I know even now he's playing out all the possible scenarios. He has a better idea of what might happen then me, and I want him to tell me.
No more words are spoken, and we just indulge in the others' presence for a little while. Not too long, Itachi leaves earlier than usual, obviously telling me I need to sleep. My door makes a squeaking noise as my brother leaves me. How I wish he could stay for just one night, so I could know what it's like to wake up next to the person you deeply care about. But that simple fantasy is out of reach for now, and the fear of being caught is both thrilling and frightening. How odd.
A/N: Nothing real big in this chapter. Well please review, thank you.