Chapter 18: Do you know what I know?
I lay awake, it's Saturday night. It's long past midnight, and Itachi hasn't come to me yet. The itching emptiness creeps from my chest to my feet, and I get out of my bed. Why hasn't he come? I think to myself as I reach for my bedroom door. Looking around in the dim hallway I see and hear nothing that would give reason to why Itachi hadn't visited me yet. I strut across the hallway and go up to my brother's door, quietly I open it. Peeking inside, I find my brother sitting on his bed wide-awake. I go up to him.
"What's taking you so long?" I ask.
"Kakashi's light was still on last I checked," he explains, as I make myself comfortable on his bed.
"Well I didn't see anything," I tell him. This really wasn't enough and I felt angry. This can't keep going on like this, I'm getting tired of sneaking around, and I should feel no shame. I'm treating this relationship like it's something to be ashamed of. I want so much more, I think to myself as I tilt my head up to kiss my brother. I want to freely hold him, touch him, be with him. That's what I want, and these thoughts and this kiss seem to make the itching go away just a little. Still I feel restless, still I feel empty, because even though this is exactly what I hunger for, I also know I can't have it. I know there'll be some sort of consequence. That's why Itachi's going along with it. He knows if we get found out something bad will happen, that's why he's also keeping this a secret. After all, he's already told me not to worry about others' thoughts and opinions, about society's view on us. So the consequence, whatever it is, is bad, and that's why he's hiding along with me. Is this the only way?
How I want to ask you, ask you what could at all happen. Tell me the consequences, I want to know. Then I'll judge for myself if it's worth it. But most anything is worth giving up for you.
I lick his lips, wanting entrance and impatient for permission. My breath's warm and heavy as Itachi opens up. I waste no time, I wanted so much more, yet I don't want sex. I let out a throaty moan, and I seek to hold Itachi's hand. My kiss becomes more forceful, and I feel that itch, being surrounded by anger. This just isn't going to work like this anymore. I can't stand it, I want so much more. Yet I can't do anything, I want to but I know that… something's in my way… the unknown is in my way. The knowledge I do not hold, but Itachi does, and he doesn't want us to break out of this secrecy. Not because he's ashamed but because once again he's protecting me, from something I have no clue about. From the consequence that forces my brother to make a decision for me, the same consequence I cannot begin to imagine.
I part our lips , and just look into my brothers eyes. So much like mine. I turn my gaze away and rest back on the pillows. I just wanted to stay here, just one night do I want to sleep next to him and wake up with him by my side. Just one night, is that too much to ask?
Itachi looks at me, with that expressionless face of his, which ironically holds so much emotion. This time I can't unravel them though. "He knows," he tells me.
"What do you mean?" I ask with a start, sitting up on the bed.
"It's obvious he was waiting for me to exit the room," Itachi pauses, looking in the direction of the door. "I don't know how you coming here has changed his view, or if he even noticed that you entered my room. He may have thought you were going to the restroom. Either way it would be best if you went back," he tells me. I open my mouth to protest, and I receive Itachi's full attention.
"What is he going to do? What will he do to stop us?" I ask, I know he knows and is just not telling me. I don't want to leave, I could care less if it sounds childish.
"You're not ready, Sasuke," I look at Itachi in confusion. "Just go back…" he pauses and I look at him still confused and defiant, "Not yet Sasuke, go on," he tells me. I couldn't help but do so. He has everything planned, and I do trust his words. But, why can't he tell me about what would happen? If I'm not ready, shouldn't I know why I'm not? He's planned everything, he knows every scenario, and I know nothing. A little angered, I leave the room, though I do it quietly, not at all hinting to my displeasure.
I lay under my covers and try to sleep. But there it was again that itch, and that slight hint of anger still remains. Eventually though sleep graces me. A lonely sleep…
The next morning I get dressed and head to the kitchen like my usual routine. I find my brother there, and Kakashi nowhere in sight. I felt some anger, mainly because I feel like Itachi's treating me like a child, when he should be treating me like his partner, equal, his lover. Or maybe it's all for my protection, maybe he has his reasons. Yet it's this thought that doesn't help my disapproval.
"Is Kakashi still asleep?" I question, getting out a carton of milk.
"No, he had started early with is grocery shopping," he explains. I nod my head in understanding, and sit down with a glass of milk across from my brother.
"Itachi…" I start, looking briefly at my brother, seeing I had his full attention. I didn't know how to go on, I didn't really want to start complaining and put my emotions out there. It's hard for me, and I didn't know how to start, but I clearly want him to know that I don't want to be treated like I was treated last night. "Last night," I pause, having a hard time putting words together.
"I was only looking out for your best interest," Itachi says interrupting my pause. "The situation we are in is far from favorable.
"And what exactly is that situation?" I say with a hint of anger, and annoyance. I was acting dumb on purpose to provoke my brother.
"You know very well."
"Obviously we have two different views of what our situation is. I can make my own decisions, I choose when I'm ready, not you," I say in a dominate tone.
"If you are ready or not, it doesn't matter, the situation is complicated and we can't risk anything. It's better this way Sasuke," he says calmly leaving no room for argument.
"What would happen if he found out?" I ask simply.
"Separation," was my answer. There's no need for me to be upset, and I'm acting ridiculous. We have no time or need to fight over this. I suppose it's due to the stress, and the lack of alone time I have with my brother that I'm a little high strung. I can only imagine what kind of stress he's under. His mind must be working nonstop, working out every possible solution to our predicament. Though I feel left out, I can't help but wonder, is it in our best interest if I just let Itachi handle everything? I don't know, I suppose it's like Itachi had said, we'll deal with problems once they arise.
I can see how Itachi got to the solution of separation, once Kakashi is sure that something suspicious is going on under his roof, he'll try to stop it. After all, he's part of society, I can assume he may not look at us in a positive light. Then again, I've lived with Kakashi for so long, I have some doubts, and maybe Itachi is over thinking this too much. Could separation really occur?
I just want to be at peace, at peace with everything, and have no worries about being caught or anything like that. Finishing my glass of milk I put it in the sink, and walk over to my brother, who gets out of his chair as well, and leads me into the living room.
"It's best not to worry about it, we'll—"
"Deal with the problems once they arise," I finish the sentence for him. My brother gives me a nod.
"Doesn't' this all bother you?" I ask, just simply because I didn't want us to fall into a silence.
"Very much, but some things can't be helped. Not for the moment at least," he tells me in a monotone voice. Those words were simply beautiful, yet plain. I know how my brother feels about me but sometimes I need to be reassured, and that emptiness I've been feeling just seemed to get filled a little. I know now that it's there because I'm not getting enough of my brother. This secrecy thing doesn't give me an opportunity to have enough of him. As we sit in the living room, for once I do not turn on the TV, but instead sit very close to my brother who's opening a book. I rest my head on his shoulder, and read the same words he reads. If this annoyed my brother, he showed no sign of it. We finish ten pages, and I keep up with him, both of us keeping at the same reading speed.
It's a simple position we are in, being close not only in body but mind, for the same words of the book in front of us is running through our heads. There was a sense of danger again, that annoying yet existing danger of being caught. I try to ignore the feeling and just relax, indulge in this moment with my brother, such a simple moment. I feel Itachi's head slightly turn, causing me to lift my head a little, but I don't take my eyes off the page I finish reading. I wait a couple of minutes for Itachi to turn the page, but when the action does not come, I look questioningly at my brother, who only answers with a soft kiss upon my lips. There it was, that short shoot of adrenaline at the though that we could be caught. An at-ease feeling tried to take over, but it didn't succeed, and it completely shattered when the sound of the door opening echoed through my ears like the sound of a bomb hitting a peaceful hamlet.
I pull away from my sibling quickly, and sit up straight, obvious that I wasn't in the position just a few minutes ago. But my action was too delayed, and as Itachi slowly closed the book and set it on the table I knew we had been caught. I see Kakashi eyeing us suspiciously, and even though I was far from calm, I let my tense shoulder sag just a bit.
Itachi knew, and that's how I knew—from the look on his face—that it's over, separation was near, the problem had arisen. Kakashi walks toward the kitchen, in death silence. Once he reappears, one sentence leaves his lips.
"Itachi I need to speak to you, Sasuke go to your room," it was an order, not a request, but I pondered the idea of staying. After all, this concerns me too and I don't really understand why he just wants to speak to Itachi. Reluctantly though, I get to my feet and slowly, in no hurry, head up to my room. Or at least pretended to go to my room, because the moment I reached the top of the staircase I sat to see if I could hear some of the conversation. I could hear small mumbles of words, but I couldn't pinpoint what words they were. As I strain myself to hear, Kakashi raised his voice only a tad bit. He's not one to start yelling, but this only proves that he is very angry, and a worried feeling creeps into my gut. The emptiness inside seems to grow like it knows that separation is coming, and that it couldn't handle that. That I couldn't handle that, and that I would be completely consumed by the spreading ache of nothingness.
As Kakashi proves his point in a much louder voice—though a very bad omen—I can understand the words he's saying.
"I want you to stay away from Sasuke until then." The simple words 'Until then' made my heart jump and pound a thousand miles per minute. 'Until what?' I ask myself. I try to look down the stairs to see if Itachi was coming up, so that I can ask him. But I knew nothing good can come from such a sentence. The only sure thing it told me is that Kakashi wants Itachi to stay away from me, until something happens. The thought of maybe having a few more days or weeks together, but not being able to be near him was far more then aggravating.
The sound of footsteps break me out of my thoughts. Little geisha steps slowly drive Itachi forward towards the top. I frown, giving my brother the same expression he holds. I couldn't read his emotions in his eyes, but the atmosphere was dark. I figured he's trying to think, but I had to know what was said. Itachi lays eyes on me once he reaches the last steps, I had long since already gotten to my feet.
"Relocation," He says in a monotone voice, "Until then I'm expected to stay away from you."
"He can move you to another foster home, but I'll be damned if I stay away from you. What's the worst he can do?"
"Nothing, the worst is already done." There was a pause, "He didn't fully think out the punishment. He seems to expect me to obey and stay away from you. There's no guarantee how long it'll take him to find a new foster home for me, and there's no possibility that he can keep a watch on us twenty four seven." I nod, expecting Itachi to have more to say, his words bringing me a sort of hope and comfort, even if he is to leave. But no more words are said, and my brother walks to his room. I wanted so badly to follow, but I stopped myself from doing so. Why hadn't Kakashi called me down to talk to him? Why did he only talk to Itachi? On top of what was said between them, Itachi had only given me a summary really. What makes him so sure that we'll stay away from one another? Or does he just want Itachi to stay away from me? Why so much emphases on Itachi? I give a small sad smirk. I suppose he blames him…just as expected, they wouldn't understand. They'd turn it into something ugly, this love.
A/N: We are very close to an ending, and please do tell me how this chapter was. Sorry it took so long, I wrote pretty slowly and carefully. Please tell me your opinions, thank you.