Chapter 15: So what are you going to do?
REN'S POV
Tonight I'm lying on the roof, looking at the stars and meditating. Contemplating, pondering, thinking. My head is in a tumult, even though right now it's the most organized part of myself. This is too hard to think about.
What makes it more difficult than anything is that it has to do with my feelings. Even saying that word in my head makes me feel dumb. It's the part of me that I try to ignore the most. I've always been essentially a logical person, I use reason for everything I do like I use air to live. I have no use for feelings.
So here I am, this clear night of full moon. Considering my feelings. Apparently, I have to. But I know is useless, I'm not reaching any conclusions. How did on earth did I get here? It all happened so gradually that I totally missed it. And in the present day everything came to a crossroad and I'm the one who has the final call.
I close my eyes as a gust of hot wind blows my hair. Slowly, I replay all the events of the day. Maybe this way I'll figure some resolution.
(Flashback)
I woke up early on the fateful day July 26th. I trained from 6 am until noon, when I went to have lunch. In the afternoon, we all got together in the coast because Yoh wanted to tell us something of great importance. When we were all gathered, Yoh started a little speech.
"After what happened yesterday in Hao's match, we all came to the definite realization of what we're facing" He looked at us meaningfully and we nodded in agreement "This is probably going to happen very often from now on. Feeling happy, then sad, being confident, then not. I know I can overcome it, getting hit by emotions. And a friend is someone who was there at that time" He finished. I couldn't help but find it kind of corny and hoping he would end and stop wasting my time. How wrong I was.
"So I decided I should tell you guys, about him and I" Then I looked at him in interest "He is……my brother"
"What? What have you been smoking?" Mariana voiced my thoughts at the moment.
"I'm dead serious. He's my twin brother actually" We all stared at him shocked "But don't worry, I-"
Horohoro interrupted him throwing himself at Yoh and knocking him down. What an idiot. "Finally, you're talking about it! But saying don't worry´ is useless"
"Hehehe" Yoh laughed stupidly. God, does he ever worry about anything?
"But, Yoh" Manta started "How…? How can he be your brother?
"So what?" Anna snapped aggressively "It doesn't change anything. We still have to fight him, right Yoh?
Yoh nodded "That's right" He turned back to us "My grandfather told me all this, he said that I'm a sort of half Hao"
He seemed so tranquil, telling all this very lightly in my opinion. It irritated me to no end "So what? It doesn't matter to us why you've kept this information to yourself?" I demanded "You should have told us the problem in the first place, even if it drags us down with you"
"Yes!" Horohoro agreed "Ren's right. No more hiding. Is there anything else?"
"Yes, I'm getting to it" Yoh continued "Silva has informed me that" He paused "Hao's furyoku is at 1,250,000" This definitely left us shaken "So that's the problem. No matter what we do, Hao will most certainly win this competition. None of us is anywhere near that number, we can't just achieve it by trying our best" At that moment is when he, somewhat predictably, he smiled "But I wont give up. The real battle begins now"
That fucker!!! 1,250,500? How the fuck did he do it?! All this thoughts accompanied me on my way back home and when I took a very long bath, attempting to relax a bit. It was pointless of course. Even though I do have the confidence that we'll figure out what to do, at that moment I just couldn't accept it.
So, after a very frustrating bath, I went down to have tea, but found no one there. I figured they were at Yoh's place. Put a pair of shoes on and left the house. I entered Yoh's distractedly and was about to enter their kitchen, where everyone currently was, but stop short at what I heard.
"I can't, ok? I just can't do it" I heard Mariana whine.
"You said you were gonna do it today!" Horohoro protested "So just do it and get it over with! This is so stupid! I don't even get what you see in him"
"Well, you probably wont if you are straight!" Mariana snapped back. Who the hell are they talking about? I don't get this. But I had a feeling I shouldn't go into the kitchen yet. That's when she said "Yes, I know how this is. For you it's like Oh, Ren, yeah, another of my stupid friends´" What?! I snapped in my head and scowled "But for me it's like Oh my god, there comes Ren!´" …………..What? I frowned in confusion, what about me?
"What does he do that is so great?" I heard Chocolove questioning "I mean, I like Ren too, he's good, but he's a bit too insulting" Yeah, well, just quit those stupid jokes and my insults will magically reduce in number. I still didn't get what they meant.
"I told you, he rarely insults me" Mariana said quietly "He's really ok with me" What does she mean? "I just like everything of him, even the thing that you all don't like that much" I frowned even more "The way he talks, how he always has an answer for everything, his sarcasm, I love it all" Then, my face started heating up at all she was saying "Even when he does insult me, I only find it funny and can't help but smile at it" No, this is….
"Ok, ok, stop it!" Horohoro demanded "You're gonna make me gag here"
"So just tell him" Said Ryu. This can't mean….
"I know!!!" Mariana cried "I'm telling him tonight!"
"You always say you're telling him but you never do!" Chocolove retorted. By then, I was completely frozen in the spot.
"I said I was going to do it today, so I am" She said angrily. I was hearing and seeing everything in a sort of blur, I couldn't think straight "But I didn't specify the hour, ok? So I say tonight's the night" I felt my heart beating fast and my mind going numb.
"How are you going to do it?" I heard Yoh say distantly.
"How about this Oh, Ren, I love you. You're the love of my life, you're the one. How about I show you my room and we make out all night long?´ That ought to go well" She answered sarcastically.
My insides revolving, my face completely red, I knew I had to flee away of the scene. Hardly hearing what they were saying, I take a few steps back, trying to get back to my senses, but, stupidly enough, I bumped into a small table. A vase fell, shattering and making a big racket. Fuck!
The kitchen door opened to reveal a very confused looking Yoh and all the gang right behind him looking curiously. Upon seeing me, everyone fell quiet and their eyes went wide. They all stared at what must've been a very stupid look on my face. No one said a word. My mind was urging me to run for it, but my feet were apparently stuck to the ground.
"Ehh, I-I was j-just…" I stammered. God, what an idiot was I.
"Shit" Mariana whispered from the kitchen and then rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. She got up slowly, approached me, took my hand and dragged me out of the house. In the numb state I was, I let her take me without protest. I couldn't care less really. My mind couldn't grasp what I had just heard.
When I returned to the moment, I realized Mariana had taken me to the beach, where the sun was setting behind the sea. Suddenly she stopped and turned around to face me, letting go of my hand.
"Bason! Celandine! Go back to the house with the others!" She snapped. Celandine had to drag Bason away "It's true, Ren" She told me clearly when they were gone "I love you. I didn't want you to find out that way, but it doesn't matter now. I would have told you anyway in a couple of hours"
I stare at herd for a moment and whispered "Why?"
"Because" She said shortly.
"You can't" I shook my head.
"I can't?" She repeated disbelievingly "Oh, trust me, I very well can and as a matter of fact I do. I've loved for some time now"
"No" I said simply.
"What? You're in denial or something?" She said exasperatedly "I do love you, Ren"
"NO!!!!!!!!!" I bellowed angrily. Why's she being this stupid?
"YES!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed back.
"I said no!!!" I shouted pointlessly.
"Ok, then" She crossed her arms impatiently "Why not?"
"Because it's stupid" This is not true, it's not. She doesn't know what she's saying.
"What's stupid?"
"This is stupid!"
"Me loving you is stupid? Or just love in general?" She glared.
"I don't know, both" I said pretending indifference. Obviously, she didn't buy it.
"Yeah, right. Why don't you just tell me what this is about?" God, how can she be so fucking retarded?!!!
"I already told you what this is about!!! This is stupid, so we shouldn't talk about it anymore!" I shouted. Please, stop it!
"I think I know what this is about" She narrowed her eyes "This is the same matter than the one you didn't say on the helicopter, isn't it?" What? What the fuck is she talking about? Probably noticing my bewilderment, she continued "When we came back from Canada and we discussed you-know-what, I asked you how that was so different from what you had gone through and you didn't want to say. Do you think I'm stupid or something? I know what you were thinking. You think I'm better than you, don't you? You think that you deserved all that. Because of what you did, isn't that right? You act so arrogantly all the time, but the only thing you really like about yourself is your physical and shaman strength. Maybe even your intelligence and your cultural knowledge. All the rest you absolutely loathe, don't you? That is why you think I'm better than you"
I just couldn't look at her as she said all this "Oh, great" I said sarcastically "Captain Obvious to the rescue. Thank god you clarified all that to me" I turned around bitterly, ready to leave.
But suddenly, Mariana grabbed my shoulder and turned me to her. I opened my mouth to object, but she gripped my hair, pulled my head down to her and french-kissed me deeply. My mind went numb once more. I felt all the air being wiped out from me and went very light headed. My legs felt weak and I started trembling a little. I couldn't think, I couldn't respond, just feel. And oh, how I felt. It was like a fire was burning inside of me. Electricity going all through my body. It all added up to an extremely overwhelming sensation.
I felt the world stop turning, time stopped at that instant. It couldn't have been more than half a minute, but to me it felt like an eternity. It wasn't long before it all became too much. I came back to my senses and pulled back, completely shocked.
"Stop" I panted dazedly, still very overwhelmed. We were both very out of breath.
"Oh, god" I heard her pant distantly, I was far too gone at the minute "That was amazing" That, it was.
A minute passed in which we couldn't say anything. I didn't know about her but I couldn't get out of my shocked state. I had never in my life felt anything that had even a mere resemblance to what had just happened. Then she started talking. But I can only remember half of what she said, I was sort of dazed. I just kept nodding, unable to hear a word at first. Eventually, her words started making sense to me, so that's when I actually managed to listen.
"You get it?" She went on "I do love you. That was my first kiss as well as yours. If you don't believe my love for you, at least believe that I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't feel anything" She took a deep breath to continue "You're not a bad person, Ren. You were so before, but now you're not. You've changed, remember? You worked hard to change and you've done well. You can't hate yourself forever for what you did. You have to let go the guilt or it will eat you inside. I'm not better than you now, ok? You're just as good as the next guy"
"Right" That was the best I could get out at the moment.
"Yes, I know you don't believe me, but you will some day, I promise" She took my hand and brought it to her chest "You have to accept this. I love you" Yeah, right "And whether you believe that or not wont change my feelings for you. The real matter now in here is what you feel" She pointed our locked hands at my chest. We were so close that it didn't help much my concentration "So what are you going to do?"
She looked at my inquiringly. I shrugged, with honesty. I was in no state to make decisions. When I failed to answer, her grip on my hand got tighter and she brought it to her cheek. As she rested our locked hands on her cheek, she gave me a longing look that sent a pain right to my chest and made me look away.
"Ok, I get it" She said regaining her strength "This is way too sudden to you. I've liked for a very long time now, but for you it's all new. You can't make a choice right now, so I'll let you think about it, until you can figure out how you feel. Just let me help you out" I looked back at her "Your options are to tell me: a) I love you too, let's spend the rest of our lives together" She said waving her free hand dramatically to the sky, which was darkening by now. I frowned and she chuckled "Ok, just listen. b) I don't love you but I do like you and I would like to try and go out with you. And lastly, c) I'm very sorry but I just like you as a friend" She paused and grinned "And, especially for you, there's also d) I don't like so get of my way you bothersome girl" She laughed.
I didn't find it funny at all. She realized this and stopped laughing "Ok, then. You got all you need to make your decision, so I'll leave you to it. Meditate on your feelings and all that stuff. Bye" She leaned up and gave me a kiss on the cheek. After that, she let go of my hand and ran off.
I stayed there in the beach for a couple of hours, touching my lips uncertainly, trying to convince myself that it had happened. Ultimately, I decided to return to the house. But when I got there, I saw from outside the light on Mariana's room and heard her singing and playing the guitar. She was probably practicing one of her songs and the guys were surely still next door.
I felt like being alone, but I didn't want to go into the house for fear of facing Mariana. Bason came to meet him, but I asked him to leave me alone for a while. Not knowing where to go, I climbed on the roof.
(End of flashback)
So that's how I ended up here. Meditating. On my feelings. What feelings? Do I have feelings? Well, clearly I do, otherwise this wouldn't have affected me so much. But the biggest mystery to me is why this has such an effect on me. Is it because I like her too? Or because she's a friend?
I have no idea how I feel about her right now. I've never even thought of being with a girl. I mean, I have imagined my adult life with a wife, but I haven't given it much of a thought. It all seemed so far. And I have focused practically my entire life to become powerful so I could be the Shaman King. I don't have time for silly things like girlfriends, I have to focus on my goal, on my dream.
Of course, I guess that being with Mariana wouldn't be so terrible. She's right here and we live together and will do so till the end of the tournament. Which brings me back to my feelings for her. Fuck, this is difficult!
The most difficult thing is I don't have anything to compare this feeling with. I have no other female friends. How am I supposed to distinguish the difference? Being with her is definitely different than being with the guys, we treat each other differently. But that could be just because she is a girl, or because we've been friends for a much longer time.
Ok, let's go to the most obvious evidence and do some real thinking here with it. The kiss. I mean…wow, big wow, what was that about? The very few times I've seen it on TV it didn't seem that tempting. But this ….. I actually went up to heaven and came back down. I was so unprepared for it, so did not see it coming. But then again, I have fucking nothing to compare it with!!! I don't know if I felt that way because it was with her or because a kiss is actually always like that. Or maybe even because it was my first one. Or perhaps she's just a very good damn kisser.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!!! I can't think about this anymore! It's already midnight and I haven't eaten anything since lunch! I'm literally starving here! But there's no way I'll enter the house. I could see her. I guess I can have something at the other guys' place and sleep there for the night. Or nights.
I get up and off the roof. I enter the other house quietly, assuming everyone's asleep. I heard Chocolove and Horohoro returning to our place some time earlier. However, there's some movement in the kitchen. I go into it to find Yoh having some coke on the kitchen table.
"Ren!" He looks up surprised "What are you doing here?"
"I……er….." God, this is awkward "Came here to have some food, if you don't mind" I say finally and casually sit down across from him.
"I don't mind but why are you having food here and not at your place?" He asks confusedly. Can he possibly get any thicker?
"´Cause Mariana's there" I sigh putting my face in my hands and my elbows rest on the table.
"Oooohh" Understanding downs on his face "Right"
"Yes, I'm also crushing on your couch for a couple of nights" I inform him.
"Alright" He nods "You can stay as long as you want"
I nod back as I get up and go to the fridge to empty it. I fix myself a couple of very complete sandwiches and devour them fast. Yoh watches me in silence, just drinking his coke slowly.
Finally, he asks "That bad, huh?"
I look up from my plate "Pardon me?"
"Did it go that bad? The talk with Mariana" He clarifies unnecessarily.
I shrug "I don't know. It was more like a monologue, I said very little"
"So? Do you like her?" He prods.
I shrug and continue eating.
"Come on! Elaborate!" He whines.
"There's nothing to elaborate!" I snap glaring at him "I haven't got a clue whether I like her or not! I'm supposed to meditate about it but I got nothing!"
"But you must have an idea or something" He insists.
"No, Yoh, I don't have an idea! I don't know!" I snap again "If I knew I wouldn't be wasting my time in here with you!"
"But what did you two talk about?" Damn him! Why can't he leave me alone?! "I mean, it was quite a while before Mariana returned. Something must have happened"
"Well, guess what? It's none of your fucking business!" I retort loudly, get up and leave the room with my plate, taking the plate with me. I sit on the couch and turn on the TV in hopes it might distract from all my thoughts. Of course, it's useless. I'm condemned to meditate on it.
Eventually, I hear Yoh go up to his room, so I turn off the TV, lie down on the couch and close my eyes. Even though I know it's hopeless. I'm not getting any sleep tonight.
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I so liked this chapter! -
I love the kiss, it's pretty much like my first kiss, and i was Ren in there lol