Chapter 3: The guilt is too big

A few weeks later, Scotty got a call from the FBI Agent. He was on a walk outside and had totally forgotten to go to the appointment in the office. He didn't want to see that building - that room - ever again. He wished he could travel back to that day. That he had persuaded her when he visited her at home that she needed some time off. To leave Philly maybe… or go to his flat. What if he had gone into the building sooner? Before Lil went with Ed into Observation? Or what if the shot from the SWAT had been perfect and Ed would be dead before everything started?

He decided to stop at a Bar, just to have a drink. Then, maybe, it would be easier to hear what they had to say. He knew the whole team would be there…

Two hours later Scotty arrived at Homicide. He still could see some flashbacks… the SWAT Team outside when Kat and he arrived and then the shot. Glass broke, then another shot. The one that almost killed Stillman. But only almost… he was alive… he was not the one who had to live with the guilt. Yesterday he had visited her grave, beside her mother. He took some fresh flowers with him. After awhile he had gone.

Stillman's Office

"Scotty. Nice to see you. How are you? I know it's not easy to come here again but the investigation is over now. Please sit down," the FBI Agent said.

Scotty did what he told him to. Stillman was sitting behind him, his face said it all. The others were outside, working on a new case they had. It seemed like they had forgotten what happened. When he walked in, they just said "hey", nothing more. No "how are you" or "can we do anything for you?". He wanted to know what they thought… Stillman had called him after he had talked to the team. He thought it would be better if he had asked him before but he couldn't change it. Stillman was the boss.

"Okay, I'm ready now. Please start."

"Okay… after our intensive investigation we found it's true, you're the one who killed Lillian Rush. The first bullet you fired to destroy the window ricocheted on the wall straight over and flew into Ms. Rush's chest. The other one from you flew in the back of Ed, the bullet from Will killed him. I think it's possible that she said "he got me" because she thought Ed was the one who shot her. He fired two bullets after you shot the window but both went into the floor. We think she didn't look at him, she looked in the direction she heard the first shots. I'm so sorry, but you have to visit our psychologist 3 times a week 'till he thinks you're recovered. I know about the thing with Elisa, and we're not sure what this will bring back. And you're suspended for 3 more months. That's all I have to say. You can have a copy of our report if you want. I have to go right now, another appointment, but I wish you a good day."

With these words he left, and Scotty sat there. He couldn't believe that this could be said so easy. Lil was dead and the only thing was to suspend him and to say sorry. Before Stillman could say anything, Scotty stood up and left Homicide. He didn't want to hear what the others had to say. This had to have an end.

Remember the times together we swore: Never give up this life.
Still hanging on, still going strong, here I belong.
And maybe I'm crazy but I just can't slow down.
And maybe I'm crazy but at least I'm still around.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! yeah! yeah!

He stands at her grave, and he knows it's the last time. To say his goodbye… maybe to see her in heaven again.

"Lil, please don't punish me for the thing I'm going to do now. But it's the only way out. I can't live with the guilt, to know I've killed you. And maybe I'll see you in heaven..."

When Scotty arrived home, he went to his bedroom, just to cry one last time. Then he wrote a letter to the others.

I'm so sorry to chose this way, but no one of you know how it feels to know you killed the love of your life. After Elisa's death I had, for the first time, the thought to kill myself but I lived on… just because Lil was there for me… to help me over it. But now she's gone. And I want to leave. Sorry. The best thing is to forget me… that day and everything I did.

Scotty Valens

Philadelphia, July 6th, 2007

Then he took his gun, and no one heard the shot that killed Scotty.

Still feels like the first time
to stand here by your side.
Together regardless
we'll walk through the darkness.
Still feels like the first day of my life.

Only ten minutes later, Stillman arrived at Scotty's home. The door was unlocked so he went in. He knew something was wrong in there; then he found the letter in the kitchen. It was too late.

He stepped into the bedroom to see Scotty laying there. Blood was all over the pillow. The gun still lay in Scotty's hand. He had committed suicide. Stillman called the others, then he went out of the apartment. He couldn't see this any longer. This stupid hostage situation had destroyed his whole team.

Two days later

The medical examiner had probated what the letter said, that Scotty committed suicide. So the funeral was shortly afterwards, and he was buried near Lilly's grave, beside Elisa. The whole team decided to take 4 weeks off, just to recover and try to find a solution as to what to do next.

After the funeral they all went to First Thursdays. Most of the Detectives had heard about the drama that happened in Homicide.

Just to remember that, and for everyone to see, they pinned a private photo of Lil and Scotty on the wall for the dead detectives. The good memories would be never forgotten.

The end

A/N: Song is by The Rasmus. I think it's "First day of my life" (I'm not sure). It's over now. I think this story is too sad to write more about it. And I'm not sure if Scotty would really kill himself if that happened on the show what I wrote… but dunno… I think it's just possible. We'll see what the first episode of Season 5 will bring. Some spoilers are already out. Title is "Thrill Kill" and it will be a 1994 case. Nothing more to say. Thanks for who reviewed and/or read my story.

And thank you very much to my Beta Reader!